


He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

by Phenix_Demitto



Series: Scorpion grass [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Aftermath of Torture, Consent Issues, Controlling, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Hurt Loki, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Intersex Loki, Isolation, Like seriously Loki is depressed, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki-centric, M/M, Manipulative Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Not a healthy relationship, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Physical Abuse, Possible Mpreg though not technically, Post-Avengers (2012), Psychological Torture, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thor Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Torture, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, domestic abuse, implied PTSD, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:54:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 123,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9137110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phenix_Demitto/pseuds/Phenix_Demitto
Summary: Loki’s lover has a temper. He can get violent but that wasn’t his fault. He says things he promises he doesn't mean but Loki knows it's a lie. Loki was everything he told him he was, he was pathetic and useless, but Loki would do anything to keep him because without him Loki was nothing.But when a normal day for The Avengers gets Loki noticed by a Supervillain, his relationship with his lover is tested. The perfect life Loki has set up is unraveling. His past isn’t as buried as he had first thought and things that were supposed to stay dead are very much alive. No matter how much Loki says he's happy, he can't convince himself anymore but he can't bring himself to walk away.Secrets are revealed but Loki prefers the term omission rather than lies.





	1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

Loki spent two months on Midgard as a recluse. He wandered New York, a ghost like the ones he had created. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, he didn’t want friends or _family_. He barely even wanted to move.

Loki was not hunted by Shield or Asgard. There had been meetings and meetings between the two parties until banishment and magic restriction became his punishment. It didn't feel like punishment after what he had experience at the hands of the Other and Thanos, losing magic – a part of him – was nothing. Loki couldn’t even begin to compare it with Thanos' work. 

Every night Loki relived the void. Each time he was taken apart and remade over and over again. Each cut and slice, he felt again. Loki would wake in pools of sweat knowing the pain would never end, that he would have to live it again until one day he lived it for real once more.

This was until Loki met Sean. Sean was a drunken one night stand Loki had met when sleeping became something to avoid. Loki took Sean home and Sean never left.

Loki couldn’t pin point the thing he loved about Sean. It was something about the way he spoke, never before had he met someone who could keep up with him let alone try to surpass him. Sean was just so charming and Loki would be lying if he didn't find Sean attractive. 

The days to follow Loki agreed to meet Sean again and one date spanned into many. Loki fell for Sean by accident. He never meant for him to let Sean into his life, let alone his heart.

However when Loki found the littlest things about Sean endearing that was when he knew it was far too late to back out. Loki loved the way his blue eyes caught the light and sparkled with interest as he listened to him. How Sean sang softly in the shower thinking no one could hear him (but Loki could hear every word). He adored the way Sean’s voice went low and rough after they had reached the early morning of a strange late night conversation. Or the little surprise kisses Sean gave him when Loki was too absorbed in a book to realise Sean was talking to him.

Before Loki knew it he had moved in with Sean. He had less nightmares when he slept in Sean’s arms, he felt secure knowing Sean was there to keep the past at bay and instead push him into the future. Loki felt different like a weight had been lifted, like there might actually be something in his life to look forward to rather than just more pain. 

Loki no longer hid away from the world. He left the apartment and took walks as the city was getting dark, enjoying wandering through parks and closing shops. Loki visited libraries and bookshops just to sit among so many books, breathing in their relaxing smell. Loki was almost happy.  

Loki couldn't pinpoint the moment their relationship changed. Perhaps it was gradual or he never paid proper attention. Looking back it was probably the latter, he was blind to Sean.

Maybe it didn’t matter if Sean squeezed too hard in the middle of sex, leaving bruises around his throat, or bit him despite him telling him not to. Some people were into that sort of thing.  

Maybe it didn’t matter that Sean had a bit of a temper. After all he couldn’t judge since his rage had ended in genocide. Sean hardly ever laid a finger on him but his words always made Loki feel like he was torn apart by Sean’s words. It wasn't as if Sean was lying, he _was_ pathetic and useless. In fits of anger Sean would break things but they weren't Loki's anyway and Sean always apologised afterwards. 

It didn’t matter. 

It was worth it in the end, being pressed into the sheets. His legs wrapped around Sean's shoulders as he was slowly worked undone. Lips against his neck as Loki threw his head back to let out a silent scream of pleasure. Those were the moments Loki remembered it was all worth it. 

Sean would look at Loki like he was his world, telling him it wouldn't happen again, that he hadn’t meant a word of what he had screamed at him. Loki would drag him into a kiss to stop himself telling Sean his words had been right. 

Loki wanted Sean’s touches to last forever because one day Sean would work out Loki wasn’t worth it. Sean would realise that each word he said in anger was true and would finally find someone truly worthy to bathe in his love and affection, and Loki would be left with lingering fingers against his skin.

Yet Loki came to realise an issue within himself, another flaw. For him, sex was not a big part of a relationship for him, in fact he could easily go without. Having sex wasn't a big thing for him, Loki was more interested in the intimacy rather than the pleasure. Loki just couldn't get himself to be as interested as Sean seemed to be.

He found he would much rather they just lay intertwined on the couch and watch some crappy TV. But Sean would pepper his neck with kisses, murmuring sweet promises but Loki would refuse, promising another time. Yet Sean kept pestering until Loki got frustrated and shoved him away. Next thing Loki knew Sean was letting out a snarl, another mug was broken, and possibly the door as he slammed it. It was made worse when Sean didn't return for a whole day. 

Maybe that was when sex changed for him. Or perhaps it was when Sean ignored him when he said _no_ and took him anyway. Or maybe it was when he let Sean take him because he was sick of being pestered and found it was easier to get it over with. Or maybe it was the last time Loki said no, and instead let Sean have him even though he didn't enjoyed it.

After that, Loki found sex sometimes left him feeling odd inside. He found himself staring at the ceiling until Sean was finished. Loki told himself he enjoyed it, he was just happy sharing the same space as Sean. Giving himself to Sean like this showed how much he was loved, it showed how unselfish he was.  

Soon Loki stopped his walks, in fact he hardly left their home. It was easier as it stopped Sean’s worry. Sean became convinced Loki was cheating despite Loki never doing or even thinking of doing such a thing. Sean was also convinced he would get hurt, which Loki found unlikely. The most dangerous thing to Loki was himself.

Loki leaving their house lead to arguments.  

This ended when Loki snapped at Sean that he should trust him. Sean backhanded him so hard across his face that he slammed into a table then to the ground. It ended the argument pretty quickly when it sparked memories of the void and the way it stared back at him.

Loki found it was easier not to go out.  

Loki only left to get groceries, his mobile on at all times with the understanding that if Sean texted him he would immediately respond so Sean knew he was okay.

It showed Sean cared.

It showed Sean loved him.

It wasn’t even as if Loki deserved that from him. Loki knew Sean deserved more than him and if he could just be worthy of Sean Loki knew he would truly be happy.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Loki unlocked the backdoor, closing it softly. His heart was hammering so hard in his chest that it hurt. He could feel the rise and fall of nausea inside him.

He let out a soft breath before quietly setting the shopping bags down on the ground and packing the food away, trying not to be too noisy. His hands were shaking so much he was sure he was being too loud.

Loki could only hope Sean wasn't home yet. That way he wouldn't know Loki was late or better still, he wouldn’t even know he had gone out at all. He didn’t want to deal with any of this right now.

He swallowed, trying to control his nerves. He should have just stayed home. Why was he always _so_ stupid?

Loki pulled out a chopping board, starting to make something to eat. This mostly consisted of trying not to cut his fingers open with hands that would not stop shaking. 

" **Luke?** " Came a yell. 

Loki swallowed, stuck between calling back and curling inwards on himself. He became aware that he didn't respond quick enough when Sean was stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room. The doorway seemed dwarfed by his lover as he stood, arms crossed, with a face rivalling one of Thor’s storms

"Where the _hell_ have you been?” Sean demanded as he stepped into the kitchen and Loki could feel the pressure of the room suffocate him.

"Just to the shop." Loki said neutrally, keeping his expression blank. 

He couldn’t stop his fingers from nervously fiddling with the food he’d been preparing. Sean’s face twisted and Loki flinched as Sean smacked it out of his hands.

"I’m not stupid, I know where you were _supposed_ to be. That wasn’t what I was asking." Sean’s eyes were narrowed, becoming flat and void.

Loki broke eye contact, staring down at the shiny work surface, as he held back a retort that he knew would only make things worse for himself. Sometimes if he was silent Sean calmed down. Sometimes.

"Why are you late?" Sean asked, each word slowly formed like there was a visible full stop after each one or a sharp guillotine.

"I wasn't-"

Sean’s eyes flashed and Loki was struck across the face with so much force he was sent reeling back. His cheek burnt from a strike he didn’t see coming but should have.

"Ten minutes!" Sean roared, his knuckles almost white now.

"It was busy, I got held up!" Loki lied, taking a step back as Sean seemed closer all of sudden.

Loki didn't make a sound, despite sharp pain crashing through him, as Sean hit him with a hard closed fist again and again.

He backed himself up against the counter, trying to put some distance between them for Sean to calm down. 

"I'm sorry." Loki choked, his gaze lowered.

He flinched at the sound of Sean’s frustrated huff followed by the sharp slam of the door.

Loki sagged for a moment with a quick sigh. His face felt sore, a wave of burning, to remind him of how useless he was. He couldn’t do one damn thing right.

He returned to what he was doing, finding comfort in the act of cooking. Loosing himself in the act of sorting each ingredient, cutting, slicing.

It wasn’t long until the kitchen was filled with smells. It didn’t take the pain away but it calmed his stomach enough that he didn’t feel like his skin was itching with razor blades beneath the surface.

He set the food out and hesitated unsure if calling for Sean would be worse than not calling for him. He tensed up as he sensed something behind him. It was only when Loki felt arms wrap around his waist that he relaxed.

"You made all of this?" Sean murmured into his ear.

Loki pressed his cheek into his chest, nodding slightly. He felt fingers slowly run through his hair and let a smile fall across his face briefly. 

Sean's mood improved considerably as it always seemed to when Loki made good food. Sean even helped load the dishwasher. 

Later they sprawled out on the sofa with his head resting on Sean's chest. It was so warm and comfortable that Loki would have almost been lulled by Sean’s soft breath if he wasn’t tensing with anticipation. Keeping his eyes fixed on the TV, Loki ignored the way Sean's hands seemed to be sliding lower and lower. 

He knew what came next and he let it happen. They became nothing but skin against skin. Sean slowly kissed his neck, moving up and along his jaw line where it was still tender. Loki smiled at him as he murmured apologises and promises it wouldn't happen again.

Loki let his eyes go straight through him as Sean lined himself up. There was brief pain as Sean entered him but it soon faded.  Gripping at his shoulder, he waited for Sean to finish. 

_This was love._

Sean quickened his pace, wrapping his hands around Loki's throat. He looked up at Sean's face above him, his unblinking blue eyes seeming to have darkened. Hints of sweat ran down Sean’s face as he learnt down and kissed him. 

_Sean loved him._

Sean squeezed his neck harder until Loki couldn't breathe. Loki didn't struggle against Sean’s, just counted the seconds until he heard Sean climax and finally let go of him. 

Loki stifled a sigh of relief as Sean rolled off him. Loki gave him a short kiss before sliding off the sofa for a shower. Loki slowly washed away all the evidence of sex. He felt numb but the need to be clean made him scrub and scrub at his skin, even though it felt like he would never be able to wash it all away. Eventually he just stood under the spray of water letting its warmth consume him.

Over the next couple of days Loki didn't leave the house. He spent most of it in bed reading whatever happened to be on the nightstand (which was a lot as he had piles of books everywhere). The only time he got up was to cook because he didn’t want to make extra work for Sean because of his own laziness.

Loki avoided mirrors. He didn’t want to watch the way his bruises only seemed to bloom and grow darker each day, changing colours rather than fading like he wanted them to. They stood out so clearly against his pale skin that the bruises seemed to scream insults at him.

Sean promised it wouldn’t happen again but Loki knew it wouldn’t happen again if he wasn’t so useless. If he could just do one thing right maybe he wouldn’t make Sean so angry. He _deserved_ this.

The patchwork of purple against his skin was another reminder of how he would never be good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback is welcomed :)


	3. Chapter 3

Loki heard the click of the door of Sean leaving for work and let out a long sigh. He could finally go out. They had run out of coffee and there was half a dozen other things he needed to go out to buy. He knew he couldn’t keep cooped up in here permanently, it was starting make him a little stir crazy. 

Loki quickly got dressed, pulling on his long coat with the high collar to hide the worst of the bruising around his neck. He resisted the urge to shove his hair into a messy ponytail and instead left it to fall across his face instead. 

It was still early so Loki stopped by a local coffee shop he liked, picking a seat near the window to sip his coffee. Staring out the window, he watched people move back and forth on their way to work, shopping or doing whatever happened in the bubble of their lives. With so many people surrounding him in the city it always made him wonder what was happening in their worlds. Was that hurried man in a ruffled suit late for work, having a fight with his girlfriend or hungover? Was the lady sat at the bus stop working an office job or selling things under the table? There was so many possibilities, all trapped in their little worlds, too busy to ever look up. They always looked like they had places to be but for once Loki was content just to sit with his coffee. There was something nice about sitting in his quiet place observing the world go by, whilst being separate in his moment of stillness. 

Loki took the last sip of his coffee, enjoying its bitter taste on his tongue and the buzz it was sure to bring. He set his cup down, debating whether to sit a while longer, when his peace was shattered - literally. The glass of the windows imploded with a deafening explosion. Shards of the window shot through the air, becoming a sharp shower of glass. Loki threw himself onto the ground to avoid the rain of splintered glass. 

Loki was already rolling to his feet as another explosion rocked the building. Bottles and cups from above were falling from shelves and tables only to shatter, whilst customers knocked tables and each other in a mass of confusion. Loki bolted for the door, brushing past the first person of the stampede that would block the entrance and surely trample many.

Out on the street it was worse. Gunfire was raining down, striking windows of cars and people alike. Cars were swerving to a violent stop. Some were not so lucky, making sickening crunching sounds as metal vehicles collided and bent around each other. 

Explosions rocked across the street as a parked car exploded, becoming a mass of flying metal. People too close were sent flying back and Loki knew the people impaled were the lucky ones.   

Loki’s heart was hammering in his chest as he ducked behind cars. Where he could he ran full pelt, ducking around people, and avoiding gunshots as best as he could.

The sky above was filled with a swarm of mechanical creatures, who rained down a brutal attack. Loki couldn't count how many people fell around him. He didn’t want to remember the ones who were torn apart by bullets and explosions. It seemed to change the feeling and taste of the air. There was something about the way their screams seemed to echo long after they were gone that made Loki want to run faster. 

The ground shook with a deafening explosion right above him. Loki could only stare as the building above him shuddered and fell.  It was one thing to dodge gunfire but he couldn’t run from a falling building cut in half by explosives. Bricks and building material tumbled and cascaded down in what seemed like slow motion. He let out a shout, throwing his hands up over his face as the building crashed down over him. 

Loki was engulfed in darkness. Sound became nothing as gunfire became silence.

This was it. 

In a single moment he was dead. He had passed from Midgard to Helheim, crushed to death by a building. It had been such a quick ending that he hadn’t felt a thing. It was finally over. One minute he was there, next he was gone. 

There was a cry. 

A whimper. Scuffling. A cough.

The metallic smell of blood. The taste of dust in the air.

Loki opened his eyes and he felt his heart fall when he saw he wasn't Helheim. Above and around him was a shimmer of green light surrounding him in a dome. Loki stared at the bricks and rubble above him, held in place by his magic, unable to see through into the daylight. He could already see the edges of the dome fizzling as the green light dimmed.

He didn't know how long he could hold this spell, he didn’t even remember summoning it. Ever since the restrictions to his magic he had only ever been able to do rudimentary spells and even then they only occurred for protection or defence. He had no real control over it, it was like being a child, his magic lashing out with a mind almost separate from his own. This was what must have happened – his magic lashing out as a last attempt to save his life. However even with its protection, the flow of magic was cut shorter, a lot shorter, by Odin’s restriction. Without the restriction's Loki could have held this protective dome for days but now he would lucky if he could hold this building off him for a couple of hours.  

Loki heard another whimper. Turning, Loki spotted a woman at the edge of the dome. Her leg- by the Norns - it probably wouldn't survive being crushed under the whole building. Her leg was unluckily just outside his small dome of green light. She was out cold, her face twisted into a face of agony, yet it was not her who had whimpered. Clutching to her were two Midgardian children, Loki could only assume were hers. One a young boy was whimpering into her chest and the other was just staring. Loki had to do a double take to spot the child’s blood. 

Loki slowly approached the boy, lowering himself to his knees as to not startle him. The child looked him straight in the face, face crumbled into small pained whimpers, before staring down at the blood on his fingers like he couldn’t understand where it had come from, let alone what it was. Loki could see the wound properly now, a large piece of wood had become lodged in the small child’s stomach and blood was leaking out, spreading across the child’s clothing like thick ink. Loki pulled off his coat and pressed it against the wound to stop the bleeding. He wanted to pull the wood out but he didn’t want the child to bleed out any quicker.

Grabbed at his shirt in a tight fist, the child burst into tears. It was loud and messy, more like wails that turned into choked sobs. Loki gently drew the boy into his arms, careful to keep the material pressed to the wound, as the child sobbed. 

In that moment Loki knew if he could have healed the child with magic he would have but it was no longer possible. He could only hold off their deaths as long as he could hold a whole building off them.

Loki didn't know how much time passed as they sat trapped in their stone tome. He couldn't check the time on his phone for fear of jostling the child since the child had finally settled down into little hiccups and there was no natural light to read the time by. 

Loki failed to ignore the smell of death when it entered the air. He didn't have the heart to pull the second child off the corpse of his mother. The exact moment she had died Loki didn't know but at some point she simply stopped breathing. The children hadn’t noticed and it was probably for the best. Her death made the air feel heavy, made the light seem darker.

Loki stared up at the dome around them, watching the way it flickered and dimmed with each passing moment like a dying candle flame in the wind. Loki could feel his strength waning, the spell weighing down on him so hard it was like he was holding the building up with his own bare hands.

Loki knew he was a coward. He couldn't do what needed to be done. He couldn't let the spell go and let them be crushed or suffocated under the rubble. No, he had to drag it out. Letting the child bleed out in his arms because he couldn't quite bring himself to let go. There was some part of him that didn’t want to die trapped in a cage of stone. 

Time stretched and stretched, dragging out for what felt like forever. Loki began to count time by the slowly dimming dome and the intervals between the children's cries.  

Loki could feel the hope of escape draining from him as his magic was sapped. He knew he wouldn’t feel the end, he wouldn't even be conscious when his magic finally gave out and the building crushed them. His only regret was the death of the two innocent.  

Despite all his attempts to calm the child, the one clutching his dead mother would simply wail and wail. It only got worse as the dome lost its brightness and the darkness seeped in. Loki could barely see in front of him anymore, let alone the boy in his arms who hadn’t cried for so long he was starting to think he had passed as well. 

Blood started dripping from his nose and he knew it wasn't long now. His magic wasn’t unlimited and eventually it would give in and it would be over. 

There was a scraping noise to the left of them. The sound of brick against brick. The child seemed to wail louder to the point of screeching. The grating, crumbling noise got louder and louder and Loki swore his heart was mimicking the same beat. His breath was quickening and the dome around them was flickering dangerously, dust was raining down on them now.

_Please.. please..._

He could barely breathe as a crack appeared. It grew bigger and bigger, each time he was waiting for it to tumble down, to be suffocated by rock and dust. He stared in disbelief at the blinding light that poured from the opening above.  

"There's a kid down here!" A man shouted.

"Move out the way!" Came a different yell, sounding muffled.

The rubble seemed to be violently pulled away and Loki could have cried as even more light poured into their hole.

Loki set down the barely breathing child in his arms and quickly scooped the boy clinging to his mother. Loki squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, gathering his strength, before carrying the kicking, screaming child to the hole above.  

Loki saw their rescuers were three men but couldn't bring himself to care as he recognised one to be Rogers. He thrust the screeching child at them, who was immediately taken.

Above him he saw the green dome almost fizzle out as it dimmed to the point it was hardly emitting light anymore. Loki moved quicker, worried it would collapse moments before he got out. His walk was drunken as he picked up the other child wrapped in his coat. Crawling up through the hole, the child clung to him loosely whilst it could barely keep its eyes open. Strong hands under his arms helped to tug him out of the dark hole and into the light. The fresh air was cool against his skin and felt so amazing he might have believed he had made it to Valhalla, if only for a moment.

He took a couple of steps before he felt a tearing sensation. He grunted falling to one knee, hearing the loud sound of the rubble behind him collapsed in on the dome. The spell finally was broken but it still left him feeling worn out.

Loki panted for a moment, trying to fight a wave of nausea, before feeling a hand on his shoulder. Glancing up he saw Steve Rogers beside him.  

"Loki?"

Loki gritted his teeth and with some effort pulled himself up again, "This child needs healing." He said over whatever the Captain was about to say. 

Roger’s eyes lingered on the boy wrapped in his coat and only hesitated for a moment before directed him with a sharp gesture to a tent set up to the left of him. Loki took off, going as quick as he could in his tired state without jolting the child and injuring him further.

As Loki crossed the street he could see it was very different from how it was this morning. The robots were gone but the evidence was everywhere, from the scorch marks to the two building collapses, where people were still being pulled from the wreckage. A lot more cars than he remembered were now burnt out wreckages, shells of their former selves. 

Loki entered the tent Rogers had pointed out and saw it was some sort of healing tent. It was still busy, the injured being taken and treated in different corners, healers moving back and forth with relative speed. Loki found the closest healer and handed the injured child to them. In the commotion of healers rushing to help the child no one noticed him disappearing from the tent.  

Loki continued down the street in the opposite direction of the Captain. Loki felt lightheaded and weak but he didn't want to stop until he was as far away as possible.  

Loki checked the time on his phone and swore when he saw it was 3:34. He had spent nearly all day under that rubble. If he wanted to make it home before Sean he needed to get home now.

Loki heard a click. He could feel something cold pressed to the back of his neck. Loki tensed before throwing his legs, tripping whoever was behind him. He was grabbed roughly and pulled partly down with the man. Loki head butted the man in the face sending him flying. The man went to aim a shot but he lashed out with a rough kick at the man’s hand sending the gun skittering across the ground. 

Loki heard a hurried footsteps behind him and spun, his hand grabbing for his knife. 

"Drop it." The man ordered, his gun aimed directly for him.

Loki gripped the blade, judging how quick he would have to be to throw the knife before the man shot him. Loki heard more clicking and with a side glance saw there were now three other guns aimed at him, one of them being Barton. 

"Drop the knife," Barton said, with an expression that bled with him dying for a reason to shot him. 

Loki eyes went back and forth between the men. After a moment he let out a sigh and dropped the knife, raising his hands in front of him. 

Loki’s arms were roughly yanked behind him with a metal click of handcuffs. He cursed them under his breath but didn't resist when he was roughly shoved up against the wall so one of the agents could feel him down for weapons. They found most of his knives and on any other day he might have been amused by the ones they missed. Yet today he was so done, he barely registered that he was being dragged into a vehicle until the van doors slammed shut behind him. 

Loki kept a blank mask over his face for the whole journey despite a deep urge to glare at the wall or Barton. The silence in the van would have been tense if Loki wasn’t so exhausted and relieved for a moments peace.

Eventually he was dragged out and lead into some sort of facility. As Loki was lead down the long corridors, he thought it was safe to assume it was a Shield base from all of the people with its crest on their uniform. 

He was half shoved into a room, which was more of an interrogation room if the table in the middle, two chairs and _mirror_ , were anything to go by. Loki rolled his eyes as he was forced into one of the chairs. His hands were unclipped and then clipped in front of him to a rung attached to the table, which he thought was a little redundant.

The door slammed shut behind him and he was alone. He looked at the long mirror and corrected himself- probably not fully alone. He looked away from the mirror when he caught sight of himself. It made his skin crawl to see the bruises covering his pale skin and that look in his eyes – the wild vacant type - he didn’t know how to get rid of.

Staring straight in front of him at the blank wall, he could feel his patience waning and irritation seeping in. He knew they were probably aiming for this. Hoping to wear him down so he would tell them everything. What they thought he had to tell them Loki didn’t know.

He hadn't done anything. 

The robot attack wasn’t his fault and it certainly wasn’t his fault a building fell on him. Then again they'd probably find a way to make it so. Everyone always did. Something goes wrong and the cause must be Loki.  

 _Beep. Beep._  

Loki froze. He swallowed. The room seemed so much smaller all of a sudden and his heart seemed to pound so much harder. He focused harder on the wall, keeping his breath deliberately slow, as he willed himself to stay calm.

_Beep. Beep._

His breath stuttered as his phone went off again. There was only one person who could be texting him. No one else but Sean. He must be wondering where he was. He was going to be so angry. _Damn it._ He couldn’t do one thing right. Sean was going to be worrying and it was _his_ fault. If he hadn’t let Shield take him in he would be home by now and Sean wouldn’t even know he had gone out, let alone know what had happened today.

Loki dug his fingers into his palm and swore under his breath. Shield couldn't keep him here. He hadn’t done anything, surely they would see that. If someone would just come in, he was sure he could get them to understand but instead they were holding him here, to break him down, and causing Sean distress. What would Sean think? Loki wasn’t in and wasn’t responding to messages. He was going to be in some serious trouble when he finally got home.

Loki stared down at his clenched hands that were still covered in blood. The blood was dried now but it was still bright against his pale skin, starting to peel at the edges. One of the only pieces of evidence on his body of what had occurred under that building.

The door was suddenly flung open and Loki had to resist snapping at the agent for keeping him waiting so long. Loki had to simply watch in silence as the agent calmly sat opposite him with a pile of files, that Loki assumed he took everywhere so he felt important.

He forced his expression to fall flat and blank, not letting his irritation show as he answered the agent’s questions.  He explained where he was when the attack occurred and that no, he didn’t know who was behind the robots. Loki told him how the building collapsed on him and how he was able to keep himself from being crushed long enough for him to be dug out. Loki told him repetitively that he didn't know who did it and it wasn’t him since he didn’t even know how to build such technology. He was made to repeat the story multiple times, in different order, to the point of him wanting to attack the man. He could feel his stomach becoming tighter with each question as each was another minute that Sean didn’t know where he was. 

Every time Loki finished he was asked who was behind the attack until eventually he snarled, "I don't know!"  

A grin ghost the man’s face for a moment, "Are you sure? We have reason to believe that you were involved-" 

"How by the Norns could I possibly be involved?" Loki snapped, rattling the hand cuffed in frustration, "Check your bloody surveillance and you will _clearly_ see I haven’t even left my house for days!"

The agent smirked across the table at him, seeming unaffected by his outburst, "It's not your house though, is it?"

Loki just stared at the agent with his little smug expression that he wanted to wipe off.  e was going to kill him. He was going to stab the Agent through his eye, he didn’t even care if he got in trouble for it, at least it would shut him up. 

"I live there," Loki said through tightly gritted teeth, "So I think it's my house.” He slowly folded his hands over each other, looking at the man as calmly as he could,  “Admit it - you've got nothing on me. I've never built a robot in my life and you know this, so how could I have possibly been behind the attack?"

"We’ve got nothing on you?" The agent leant forward over the table, in what Loki assumed was supposed to be threatening but Loki just found irritant, "What about the agent you attacked?"

Loki narrowed his eyes, "It was self-defence." He spat, "He attacked me first."

_Beep. Beep._

Loki dug his nails into his palm, not caring as the skin painfully split. Sean didn't know where he was and this agent was wasting his time. This was completely unnecessary. At this point it didn’t matter how soon he was released, Sean was going to be so disappointed in him. He probably wouldn’t even trust him to go out on his own for a very long time.

The agent’s gaze flickered to his phone and this just sparked a whole new level of questioning. It took all of his restraint to continue answering his questions, let alone doing so with some level of calm.

It must have been a whole hour of extra questioning before the agent had to admit he had nothing on him. The agent didn’t say that out loud but it was written on his face as he left the room. Even then Loki was left chained to a table for longer still. If he didn't feel sick to his stomach he would have fallen asleep from how drained he felt. 

Over and over, his mind went back to Sean and how angry he was going to be. He didn't want him to be angry. It wasn't even his fault he was going to be so late home but it wouldn't matter. Loki was so stupid, he should have just stayed home. If he had done that, none of this would have happened. 

He felt sure he was going to throw up at any moment from the way his stomach was spinning. Sean was going to know how stupid he was and would probably leave him for real this time. It wouldn’t be like the times where he threatened to leave but came back days later or the times Sean told him he was going to kill himself. Although those were always the worst moments and his fault. He was always so selfish.

When an agent came back with a key, he almost didn't want them to unlock him from the table, at least this way it halted his return home and what waited. Yet he was out of luck as the cuffs were finally removed. He forced one foot in front of the other, feeling more like he was being lead to his execution, rather than what in reality was just agents escorted him out of the facility. 

Down one of the last corridors Loki spotted Stark stood talking to someone, his hands flying in erratic gestures. Stark caught his eye as he moved past and shouted his name after him. It was then Loki realised how much his patience had really vanished when the only response he could give was his middle finger.

He declined the Shield issued vehicle they offered to take him home with and took a taxi instead. He didn’t want their help, in fact he wanted to rid his whole life of everything Shield related.

The evening traffic was slow and filled with angry car horns and the stopping and starting of the car to match the everchanging traffic lights. Despite the length of the journey Loki couldn't bring himself to look at his mobile. He didn’t want to see how late it was. He didn’t want to see Sean frantic or angry texts or the number of missed calls. He knew there was no point torturing himself because it was already too late for an apology text to work. 

He would be lying if he said his heart wasn't almost pounding out of his chest as he unlocked the backdoor. His legs were shaking slightly but he couldn’t tell if it was from worry or fatigue. The overuse of his magic was really beginning to take its toll as Loki stepped into the kitchen.

His stomach dropped as he saw Sean waiting for him, dwarfing the kitchen table he was sat at.  Sean's eye bore into him accusingly as he swallowed, letting his gaze drop.

He shouldn't have come back. He shouldn't have come back at all. Loki didn’t want to look at that disappointed gaze. He gripped onto the kitchen counter shakily, feeling light headed and suddenly sick to the stomach.

He didn’t remember how but one moment he was half leant on the kitchen side and the next there were arms were wrapped around him. There was a warm body pressed up to him. The embrace was so soft and encompassing that he almost melted into it, just to hold onto that feeling of being safe.

"Luke, what happened..?" Sean murmured in a low voice.

Loki buried his head into his chest for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned into his embrace to savour each moment in case he lost it in the next moment. Sean held him as if Loki would vanish if he ever let go. He didn’t pester him or shout at him like Loki thought he would, instead he let him have his silence. After the day Loki had had he was grateful for a moment to stand still, he felt so drained that he knew if Sean got mad he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Sean lead him upstairs and steered him into the bathroom, gently telling him to get cleaned up. Loki stood staring in the mirror, barely recognising himself. His hair was messy, covered in dust from the building and his clothes were filthy and covered in dried blood. He gripped the sink when he realised the bruising on his neck was almost fully visible without his coat. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin so pale he looked sick.

Loki numbly took his clothes off and quickly showered himself. He washing all the evidence of what had occurred from his body and if he could have washed away the memories too he knew he would have. 

Loki pulled on some loose clothes and allowed Sean to guide him to the bed. He settled against Sean, laying encircled by the larger man.

After a while, Loki broke the silence and told Sean of what had happened over the past day. He left out most of the details, not mentioning it was Shield who had questioned him or what had to occurred with the building, only that he had been caught up in the attack. 

Sean didn’t push for any more details, only pulled him closer, telling him how glad he was that he was safe. Loki rested against Sean’s chest and that night fell asleep to Sean's fingers slowly running through his hair, feeling at peace for just a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback is welcome as always :D


	4. Chapter 4

Loki lumbered down the stairs towards the kitchen only half awake, he could feel sleep still clinging to him, making him regret getting up. This was only added to by how physically drained he felt from the magic use the day before. The worst part was that their screams still rattled through his mind, the scent of blood lingered just out of sight and half remembered dreams of robots tearing through flesh still floated in his mind. 

Loki could hear Sean moving around the kitchen. Yet it was only when he reached the doorway that he hesitated. He could now see the loud sounds were Sean slamming cabinet doors and knocking things off the counters with violent sweeps of his arms. 

Loki took a step back. Sean's head swung around and Loki found a coffee tin hurled at his head. Loki instinctively ducked and the tin sailed over his head, slamming into the wall and clattering across the kitchen floor. This seemed to drive Sean over the edge because he was storming towards him. His body crowding Loki up against the wall, making Loki unable to breathe from how suffocate he felt. Sean glared at him so hard Loki wished the floor would swallow him up.

"You piece of shit," Sean snarled, causing him to flinch in response.

Loki tried to edge out from between Sean and the wall but without warning he was yanked back by a violent tug of his hair. His breath stuttered against the burning sensation of having his hair pulled so tight and yet Sean pulled harder until he was forced to look up at him into his sharp gaze.

"I don't expected a lot, Luke." Sean hissed, his grip tightening to the point Loki was sure he was going to tear clumps of his hair out, "But when I've been working all day, I expect there to be food in the fucking kitchen.'"

"Sean-"

Sean struck him across the face causing him to jerk. He let out a half cry of pain  when he almost wrenching his hair out from the jolt. Squirmed in his grip, he could feel his chest shuddering, as he realised he couldn’t get away without losing clumps of his hair.

"I don't want your lies!" Sean screamed in his face.

Loki could feel his head spinning and he struggled to think straight as words echoed in his head, mixing with the present pain and the lingering threat of more.

Sean didn't mean to do this. Sean didn’t mean to do this.

It was just his temper.

After a moment Loki felt his hair released, allowing him to properly look up at Sean. Swallowing, Loki carefully put a hand on Sean’s shoulder.

"I can go out today and get some more food," Loki promised. 

Sean’s face twisting was the only warning Loki got before he was slammed back against the wall with enough force to knock the air out of him. His shoulders were pinned to the wall making it impossible to move. 

"You’re not going anywhere, you hear me?"  Sean said, his voice dangerously low, "Not after that stunt you pulled yesterday,"

"But-"

"No." Sean snapped, "You can't be trusted." He stared down at him, his gaze seemed to pin him more firmly than any amount of physical force. After a moment his expression seemed to soften and his tone became lighter, "It’s for your own safety. I'm just trying to look after you, you know that right?"

Loki swallowed, glancing up at Sean, but not quite meeting his eye as he nodded.

"It's just until things settle down. If I don't know where you are I can’t keep you safe." Something in Sean's eyes seemed to change, it was like they didn’t shine anymore and instead the eyes gazing down at him were predatory even though his voice stayed exactly the same, "And I need you safe. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you,"

Sean leaned forward and kissed him. It was the hot and fast kind that made it feel like his lips were being claimed. It left Loki gasping against Sean’s lips, feeling more like he was falling off a cliff rather than being kissed. There were hands in his hair again but they were softer, fingers twisting through the strands and gripping onto it rather than pulling.

Pressing him up against the wall, Sean deepened their kiss, slowly making it become more and more desperate. Loki could feel Sean's hardness against him causing him to shiver as his skin began to crawl. He pulled away from the kiss but Sean simply started kissing down his neck instead, his fingers sliding under his shirt. 

Loki pushed at Sean's shoulders in an attempt to get him off him, "You're going to be late for work," Loki tried.

Scoffing, Sean pulled his head back by his hair so his throat was completely bare and began to suck and nip at his neck. The new sensation caused Loki to shiver at each touch.

"We're not going to be that long." Sean promised as he started dragging Loki's trousers down.

Loki could already feel the dread building inside of him and yet all he could manage was to push at Sean's hands in attempt to stop him. His stomach was flipping violently, making him feel nauseous, the sensation of entrapment crashing over him.

_Stop it. Stop it._

Sean grinned at him, pushing his hands out the way with ease and yanking his trousers completely off, "Playing hard to get, huh?" He purred into his ear, before nipping at it.

_No._

Loki bit his lip to hold back a gasp as he felt the hard pressure of fingers entering him. His hair was pulled painfully tight causing him to bump his head against the wall. With his head pulled back it made his throat fully visible, leaving him feeling entirely exposed. His heart was pounding unbearably fast as the burning sensation seemed to become more and more painful. 

_No._

Loki tried to shove Sean off but he couldn’t really see where he was aiming for or put enough force behind his shaking hands. 

_No._

Sean's eyes were inches from his own when they narrowed and any protest in Loki’s mouth died long ago in his throat. He couldn't quite breathe properly, his chest felt too restrained, as if it was burning up. It felt like his arms were frozen in place, as if his body was no longer his own or perhaps it was that he wasn’t a part of his body anymore.

He wanted to move away from Sean but he couldn't. He wanted to tell him he was too tired for this but who was he to do that? He was so selfish sometimes. So selfish. So _pathetic._ He needed to think about Sean and not himself. This felt good. It was supposed to feel good. He wanted this. He must want this.

"You know you want me," Sean murmured in his ear, hot breath against his neck. Loki felt a hand around his throat, pinning him in place, "You’re so perfect like this."

That was all the warning Loki got before he felt something larger breach him. A burning pain shot through his body that almost promised to overwhelm, had it not been for his practiced gulps of air. His back was pressed against the cold wall and he had to dig his nails into Sean's shoulders to keep himself up right. It was a struggle for air as Sean's hand only seemed to get tighter and tighter around his throat. 

Loki closed his eyes to avoid Sean's piercing gaze that seemed to take him apart piece by piece, ripping away all of the walls he threw up around himself, making him feel stripped of his skin. 

The grip on his neck disappeared and was replaced by lips as he felt Sean's thrusts become more erratic. Pain rocked through him as Sean gave one final forceful thrust and sank his teeth deep into his neck. Loki bit his lip but couldn’t stop himself from letting out a small pained gasp, before he felt all the pressure leave him. 

Loki eventually opened his eyes to see Sean staring down at him with a faint smile on his lips, his breath still ragged. 

"You're so beautiful," Sean murmured and Loki felt a warmth rise up in him and a smile starting to form. 

Sean did up his jeans and gave him one last kiss. Sean told him he loved him before apologising that he had to go, otherwise he was going to be late for work. The door shut and Loki was left stood in an empty kitchen with his trousers around his ankles.

Loki didn’t stay long and instead moved upstairs to take a shower. He scrubbed and scrubbed at his skin until it was red and sore and even then he couldn't stop. He just kept rubbing at his skin, trying to wash himself clean but he couldn't be clean, he would never be clean. It felt like his whole body was filthy so he kept washing. He could see his skin becoming raw and damaged and yet he still felt like there was something he needed to wash off but he didn’t know what it was. He felt so numb. It was like it wasn’t his skin anymore and he couldn’t understand why he felt so dirty. The water was running off him clean and the soap was nearly gone and yet he wasn’t clean.

Loki stood under the shower, his breath becoming ragged. Why was he still here? He was such a coward. He should have just let that building topple on top of him and crush him. If Loki had done that, he wouldn’t still be _here_. He wouldn't be messing up the one good thing in his life. He wouldn't make Sean so disappointed in him. If he could just make it one week where Sean wasn't angry at him for something he had done wrong… but that's all he could do was make mistakes. His existence was a mistake; mistakes were all he knew how to do. He couldn't do a single thing right. He couldn't even do what he should have done. If he had let that building fall, he would save everyone a lot of trouble.

Loki turned the water off, the cold air hitting him instantly as he stepped out of the shower.

If he wasn't such a coward he would do it. It wasn't like anyone would miss him anyway. They’d probably be glad, relieved even, and then all of _this_ could finally stop.

He lay on their bed in only a towel, staring upwards. He couldn’t find the strength to get dressed. He just wanted to sink into the ground and be swallowed up yet the chances of that happening were thin. So Loki just lay there, half curled, not even caring at how cold he felt. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. 

Hours later, Loki eventually pulled himself up to get dressed but felt so drained from the effort he went straight back to bed. He fell in and out of sleep, never moving that much, not getting up to eat despite how hungry he felt.

Loki didn’t even move when Sean came home and chose just to stay in bed, not doing anything because the very act of breathing felt like such an effort. Sean didn't comment on him being in bed so early or his lack of movement, not even when it spanned for days on end. 

He didn't leave their room for a whole week, let alone the house. This seemed to calm Sean, he didn’t have to worry about him being safe because he didn’t go anywhere. Sean never mentioned the fact Loki didn’t do _anything_ and instead brought him food when he realised he wasn’t eating and just sighed when he didn’t eat half the food because even that was too much effort.

Afterwards Loki let Sean have his way with him because it meant when it was over he could lay in Sean’s arms and the world didn't feel so dark, even if his mind tried to convince him otherwise. 

Eventually, he broke the routine and found some semblance of strength to drag himself out of bed. Loki pulled on a hoodie, that might have been one of Sean’s because of how loose it was on him, and dragged on some old jeans before sinking onto the stool in the kitchen, a mug of hot coffee between his hands. 

Loki stared down at his coffee, though he wasn’t really looking at it but more through it. Loki couldn’t work out why he felt so tired despite not doing that much. He let his head drop with a sigh and just sat there, sipping at the scalding coffee, trying not to let his mind sink into darker thoughts as it always seemed to do these days, so really he didn’t know why he bothered.

A loud knock on the backdoor made him startle so hard he spilt some of his coffee. He tugged his hoodie up and glanced at the clock on the wall to see it was only 3:11PM. Whoever was at the door wasn't Sean, he wouldn't be back for another two hours, depending on how long his shift was and Loki couldn’t remember what he had said this morning. Besides, Sean had a key for the backdoor so wouldn’t knock and he was sure Sean would have told him if he had ordered something online.

Loki let out a sigh, hoping whoever it was would leave soon and yet as he rested his forehead against the counter he could only listen as the knocking got louder and louder. Surely whoever it was would get bored soon or think no one was in and leave.

But they didn’t. 

The knocking just went on and on. It did not stop. It would have been fine if it was three knocks and then break but no, this was non-stop knocking that only seemed to get louder and louder. It felt like someone was hitting him on the head over and over with no end in sight.

Loki growled, slamming his drink down and stoof up. He yanked up his hoodie up to obscure the worse of his bruising and flung open the backdoor, narrowing his eyes about to tell whoever it was where he was going to shove their knocking when he froze. All his words seemed at a loss, this was the last person he would have expected to be stood there. Yet as he blinked he had to accept that it really was Tony Stark stood on his doorstep, with a wide grin across his face like a child in a candy shop. 

Loki came back to himself and tried slam the door in his face but Stark stuck his foot between the door and the frame, managing to hold it open.

"What no hello, reindeer games?" Stark asked with a raised brow. 

Sliding through the gap, Stark slipped into his kitchen and seemed completely oblivious to all of the glares Loki was giving him or perhaps he didn’t care, the latter being most likely.

"Get out, Stark." Loki demanded, pointing at the door whilst debating if he could just grab Stark and drag him out. It wasn’t as if Stark was known for his feats of strength outside his metal suit. 

"I've only just got here." Stark whined, giving him a look as if Loki had just asked him to kill a puppy, which Loki knew for a fact he hadn’t.

Loki grounded his teeth together and slowly punctuated each of his words, "Get. Out."

"Is this how you greet all your visitors?"

"Yes. Get out."

Stark actually stuck out his tongue at him. Loki stifled a groan, perhaps he had finally found someone more childlike than Thor.

He didn't have the energy for this argument and he guessed he probably wouldn’t win it without getting physical and right now all he wanted was to go back to bed. So he managed to produce Stark’s first look of surprise by going back to where he was sitting. This only lasted a second before Stark was off again, seeming to have the same attention span as his maturity. Loki simply sipped at the last of his coffee whilst watching Stark wandered around the kitchen and peered into the living room. He was like a child in a toyshop, touching everything in sight. 

"Are those CDs?" Stark asked, his voice rising, in what Loki could only assume was in surprise, as he pointed at the huge rack against the far wall of the living room. 

"Obviously." Loki sighed.

"I didn't think people owned CDs anymore." Stark replied, folding his arms and peering at them as if they might vanish at any moment before his lips twisted in disgust, "You have some seriously bad taste, Rudolf."

"They're not mine." Loki muttered into his coffee. 

"Well, whoever you stole them from has terrible taste in music."

"I didn't steal them." He said, his voice becoming taut as he tried not to snap at Stark, "They're Sean's."

"Sean has bad taste then."

Loki narrowed his eyes, "Just get out of my house before I forget my manners and stab you."

Stark raised his hands, "Touché.” A smirk formed on his face, “Sooo you and Sean… are you..?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. 

"What do you want?" Loki asked flatly over whatever he was going to insinuate.

Stark let out a huge sigh that became a full body sigh ending with him flopping onto the counter. After a moment he propped his head up with one hand and fiddled with the mug tree with the other hand.

"Well ever since the incident last week with the robots and the building-"

Loki set his coffee down and sent his a cold glare, "Which I had nothing to do with." Loki interjected, "So if you're here to arrest me-"

"Hey, hey!" Stark butted back in, "I'm not here for any of that. Quite the opposite.” He paused, “Well… I mean it isn’t like Shield didn’t want to break your door down..."

Loki threw his hands up, "So you do think I had something to do with the attack!"

"Shield! Not me! Look, Lokes, you were in the middle of the attack _using magic_ and you weren’t seen for days before the initial attack and then you disappear for a week after, presumably in this house and well, Shield are always a bit trigger-happy when they’re nervous, suspicious and don’t have all the answers they want, which I suppose is most of the time,” Stark let out a snort which was cut short by another glare he gave him.

“Anyway,” Stark said, looking like he was trying to be serious again, “Shield wanted to make sure you weren't up to anything because that would be a nice convenient explanation with less paperwork.” Stark raised his eyebrow at him, “Do you think Thor wouldn’t lose his shit if they tried to arrest you? So to stop an attempt at World War 3, Alien Edition, I cashed in a favour and said I'd check on you myself.” He tapped his chin with a frown and said almost to himself with an absent sounding voice, “How this place hasn’t been bugged yet is beyond me,"

Loki squinted at the strange man, "What do Midgardian insects have to do with this?"

Tony snorted and went to open his mouth, probably to explain what he meant, when he just froze. It was as if someone had pressed a pause button on Stark and he had become he eerily still, like a puppet with all its strings cut. He had stopped fiddling and had instead had turned his full focus on him, eyes piercing through him. Loki resisted the urge to shift around uncomfortably at the intense attention. 

"What the hell happened to your face?" Tony stared at him, "It looks like you've been playing real life Super Smash Bros.”

Loki scowled, resisting his urge to bury his face out of sight, "You try having a building fall on top of you and see how you look." He lied under thick sarcasm.

"No no," Stark shook his head, "You didn't look like that when I saw you just after."

"Bruises don't always show straight away." Loki gritted out, he could feel his heart rate increasing and a dread starting to seep under his skin. 

"Yeah but..." Stark reached forward and tugged the side of his hoodie down so he could get a better look at his neck. Loki jumped away like he had been scalded, pulling his hoodie back up as he scrambled back, trying to block Stark from getting a proper look. 

"You can't have got those bruises from the building collapse," Stark accused.

"Well, I did." Loki snapped.

Starks arm reached out again causing Loki’s heart to nearly pound out of his chest. Before he even knew what he was doing Loki had his knife drawn and pointed threateningly at Stark. 

"Wow!" Stark exclaimed, "Chill! No need to go full ninja on me!"

Loki advanced towards him, finding it hard to think straight, and yet with each stride Stark was backing up fast. 

"Get out of my house, _right now_ ," Loki said coldly, "Or I swear by Mimir's head, I will slit your throat.”

"Hey, Loke, I didn't mean any-"

"Leave, Stark." Loki snapped, "You've achieved what you wanted. I am here minding my own _fjandinn_ business and not plotting my next revenge robot attack.” He took another step towards Stark, “Now leave me alone, before I lose my patience and you lose your head."

Stark rolled his eyes and pulled on his shades, probably to hide the wary looks he was giving the blade in his hand,  "Note to self - showing concern for an ex-supervillain equals getting threatened with a knife." He let out a dramatic sigh, "Who've guessed?" 

Loki stepped closer, the tip of the blade nearly touching Stark’s chest. It would take just a flick of the blade and Stark would be giving the kitchen a new paint job.

"Okay, okay, I'm going," Stark muttered, "I know when I'm not welcome."

Start stepped out the door and was about to close it when Loki replied dryly, "You were never welcome."

Stark placed a hand over his heart, "Ouch!" But before he could say anything more Loki had already slammed the door in his face to cut off whatever smartass answer he would have had. 

Loki let out a sigh and slumped back down against the work surface, slipping the blade away. He could still feel his heart thumping in his chest and something building up in his chest – disgust - not at Stark, but at himself.

_Dirty._

_Pathetic._

_Worthless._

He tugged his hoodie up higher and buried his face into his folded arms, trying to maintain his composure but he knew it was failing with each passing moment. He could feel waves washing over him, crashing down, each one threatening to drown him. A clenching built in his stomach whilst worry and fear gripped him. He could only hope Stark hadn’t noticed the obvious dark purple and yellow finger shaped bruises covering his neck and the red bite mark, and instead just saw purple marks on his skin. 

Loki squeezed his eyes shut, choking on his breath. Stark should have minded his own business. Who was _he_ to show concern? Everything was absolutely fine. The bruises were an accident. Sean had just been a little rough. Sean loved him so he hadn’t done it on purpose.

Besides, it won't happen again, Sean had promised. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience for the next chapter! Thank you for all your lovely comments it really pushed me through the editing of this chapter. Please let me know what you think of this one!


	5. Chapter 5

Another week came and went and his bruises finally faded but nothing else changed. Stark didn’t return with more words, Shield didn’t come to drag him away nor did Asgard or Thor. Loki suspected Stark had got what he wanted, he had seen Loki wasn’t the threat they had been looking for, that he hadn’t been planning something or been behind the attack, so he no longer had use for him. 

More importantly Stark hadn’t come back with more questions. Loki felt like he could breathe a little more with each day passing as a testament that Stark had taken his excuse that the building collapse had caused the bruising, despite the fact his magic had protected him from all the damage. 

It made Loki relieved that he wouldn’t have to explain himself and Stark wouldn’t see him for he was. It wasn’t that he cared what Stark thought but he didn’t want to add him to the list of people who knew him for what he was – pathetic and worthless. Loki was not worthy of Sean and he couldn’t bare for anyone else to know that or for them to tell Sean that. It was selfish but he couldn’t lose Sean, he couldn’t let someone convince Sean to leave him. The second Stark knew those bruises were Sean, he would know how useless he was, how he wasn’t even good enough for Sean. 

It seemed that Loki proved the point to himself when he tried to leave the house the next Saturday. Sean had flown into a rage, he wanted to know where he was going, who he was seeing. Sean had smashed one of the lamps in the living room nearly taking Loki’s head with it when Loki had argued he was just going to the shop and that he wasn’t cheating on him. This only made it worse because it lead to a glass being hurled at him and Loki could only watch as glass shattered behind. Glass shards scattered across the ground and Loki felt his resolve shatter along with it. 

Sean later admitted he didn’t want him to go out because he was worried something would happen to him. Once again, Sean was too good for him. Sean was so worried about him and yet all Loki could do was argue and only think about himself. 

The days that followed he spent most of his time in bed or laying on the sofa. He didn’t do anything since his energy had abandoned him, like any good mood had. 

The days that proceeded left him permanently fatigued and he found he couldn’t motivate himself to do anything. Loki couldn’t even bring himself to read because he couldn’t focus on the words, they just seemed to blur and he found he couldn’t make it through a single paragraph let along a chapter. If the TV was on Loki would watch that but if it wasn’t he often couldn’t even bring himself to switch it on so instead chose to just lay in the comforting silence. He could go days without eating properly. If he was honest the only time he ate was when Sean thrust food on his lap and made him. 

It got to the point where Sean started to try and convince him to go outside, he seemed to think it would be good for him because apparently spending all his time in bed wasn't healthy. Even then, when Loki finally left the house he only went to the shop and back. It wasn't particularly exciting and even if Sean trusted him he doubted he would have wanted to go anywhere else. He didn't have enough energy to go to the shop let alone go anywhere else. Besides, he didn’t even want to go outside anymore. It was much easier to stay in the house, it was quieter and less crowded. The outside was just so exhausting. 

Sean still made him leave at least once a week on the ruse of getting food, even though he knew Sean was quite capable of getting it himself. Sean had almost stopped worrying about Loki getting hurt on these trips outside and of course that was when it happened. 

It was late afternoon and he was striding through the crowded street, heading to the nearest shop. It wasn’t as if this amount of people surprised him, after all it was New York, it was always busy. 

Cutting through into a side street, Loki was able to break away from the worst of the crowds. Yet despite it being quieter down this particular street he still felt uneasy. It was as if there were eyes burning into him. That feeling in itself wasn't usual. He was pretty sure there was always a Shield Agent trailing him to some extent or using security cameras to track him, though that part he couldn't prove and was mostly paranoia but that didn’t stop him from feeling watched.   

It was the little things Loki would spot. The same man staring a little too long at him in every shop, despite him going to different food shops around the city. A pair of men trailing after him no matter how many times he changed directions. Or the most memorable, a woman who always seemed to be reading the same page of her book. 

There was no way that Shield didn't keep tabs on him. They were waiting for him to slip up and the agreement between them and Asgard to become void. They knew he wasn’t fully responsible for the attack he had led on New York but that didn’t mean they weren’t holding a grudge. It didn’t mean he wasn’t responsible for the damage in New Mexico. It certainly didn’t mean they wouldn’t love to exploit him for _other_ uses.   

However this felt different. It didn’t feel like he was just being watched. It felt more malicious. 

He glanced behind him but no one was there. That wasn’t exactly true, there was a young mother with her child, a couple of stray men and a possible homeless person or hipster but none of them were Shield, they were just New Yorkers. Even then he couldn’t rid himself of this feeling; a feeling of foreboding. 

Quickening his step, Loki continued to carefully scan his surroundings but found nothing. So he looked in the one place everyone seems to forget - he looked up. 

Above him, eerily silent, was the eyes he'd been looking for. They were cold, empty glowing eyes lit by red LEDs lights – fake eyes watching him. The eyes were part of something bigger, a round grey sphere made of metal that was floating in the air. Loki swore under his breath, a hovering metal object that looked distinctly robotic, was never a good omen.  

Metal appendages shot out and Loki dodged but wasn't quite quick enough. They clamped around his legs, nearly taking part of skin off in the process, before the machine shot upwards. It was so fast that Loki couldn’t adjust as he was violently flipped upside down and dragged meters and meters into the air in a matter of moments, the ground moving further away with each passing second. His legs hurt from the painful pressure of metal around his legs and his stomach seemed to drop at the sudden climb.  

Loki pulled his knife free and slashed at the robot above him but he couldn’t find purchase as it swung side to side with each arch of his blade. It flew higher and higher until he was above busy streets once more. The robot held him with an iron grip despite how erratically it had to swing side to side to avoid his attacks.  

Loki heaved himself up and after couple of times of throwing himself, he managed to grab the circular base and cling onto it whilst he tried to drag it down with his weight. The metal arms tightened on his legs causing him to grunt in pain as he felt his circulation being cut off but he ignored it, prying open the casing of the machine with the edge of his knife. 

The circular robot started beeping aggressively and shot forward causing him to lose grip and tip back upside down. Upturned, Loki could see the ground and people below and it was then he realised they were watching him. They were pointing and shouting, a commotion beginning to build. To the true spirit of the city some just ignored him but there were too many watching him for this to be going completely unnoticed.  

Loki managed to pull himself back up but he was slower under the continue strain of folding himself in half so that he could reach the casing. Another sphere pulled up next to him and Loki quickly pulled more casing away from the robot holding him. 

The robot tried to twist out of his grasp but he gripped tighter, staring at the mass of wires above. He scowled unsure where to start, before thinking he might as well just take Thor’s approach to everything. With only a moment of hesitation Loki jammed his knife inside and started randomly slicing and cutting open the wires. Sparks flew and horrible beeping noise erupted from the machine until it started to fizzle and its red eyes faded to black. The metal clamps fell away and it dropped like a brick. 

Loki leaped, grappling onto the other sphere. It dropped under his weight as his legs swung sided to side before the robot chirped and rose up.  He grappled for purchase to stop himself falling to the ground. He was so high at this point that if he was to drop he was sure he wouldn’t survive it. 

The beeping only seemed to get louder as the robot rose and twisted and it wasn’t until he glanced to the side he realised it wasn’t just this robot beeping. From between buildings he could see more spheres appearing. They became a swarm in the air, their synched beeping becoming a loud chorus of aggressive bleeping.  

As Loki desperately clung to the sphere, his grip waning, he could only watch as the swarm descended downward. It was worse when the beeping stopped and they just hung in the air above the crowd as an eerie metal fog. Then the silence was broken first by a loud click and then the deafening sound of the robots opening fire. Screams from below pierced his ears louder than any beeping could and he didn’t look to see the damage, he could hear it loud enough. 

Loki could only clutch to the machine as it swung across the skyline. It flew over the tops of buildings, swinging ever so slightly as it turned. Loki braced himself before letting go of the sphere. He dropped for a moment before letting himself fall into a roll to break the drop onto the rooftop. The robot let out high pitched chirp and shot downwards. The robot was quickly joined by one after the other. They stared beeping increasingly quicker until the sound was more of an angry buzzing as the swarm of robots glided through the air down towards him.  

He swore and took off running. He only had his knifes which weren't going to be very effective against metal and cutting them open one by one wasn’t going to work. He should have carried more weapons, he was becoming careless. 

Loki leapt from the rooftop and landed on the other lower one, immediately sprinting across. He ducked and dodged as blasts barely missed him. The ground around him became blackened by the energy blasts they let off. 

He pushed himself as fast as he could and threw himself across the next building. He had to throw all his weight into it, his legs kicking through empty air and hands reaching out, as the gap between the building was so wide, he only manage to catch the edge with his fingers. He hauled himself onto the roof and continued speeding across the next roof but by the time he was ready to leap the robots had already caught up with him, having the ability to move a lot quicker than he could on foot. 

He ducked away from the edge, running for the other side but found that from this side of the building the gap was too wide, if he jumped he wouldn’t make it to the other side. Loki was backed up against the edge, unable to jump but also unable to go back because he was surrounded by robots, their glowing red eyes piercing him and weapons already showing, ready to shoot at any moment.  

Loki narrowed his eyes at the robots before him as they slowly closed around him. He flung a throwing knife at one of them but it bounced uselessly off the metal and spun across the concrete, only to fall off the building. 

He ducked an energy blast aimed at him and then leapt upwards, kicking one hard in the centre.  The weight of his kick sent it flying back to collide with another robot behind it. They both let out chirps but corrected themselves, undamaged.

Metal arms shot out from all directions to grab him but he threw himself down and slid out of reach. Loki started to run but metal arms latched onto him. Each of his limbs were pinned down by metal and he let out a snarl, twisting and turning under the restraints. There was a loud beep and the restraints tightened and Loki threw himself around to try and free himself from the metal. His heart was pounding against his chest as he found he could not move. He was trapped.

A robot hovered over him, a compartment opened on it left side and Loki could see something silver glint in the light for a moment before it shot outward. There was a sharp pain as something foreign pierce his skin, nestling itself underneath. The pain dulled and then a burning sensation washed over him as his veins began to blister as he felt his blood scorch.

His chest felt so tight it became impossible to breathe. He tried to move in attempt to get air and free himself. Loki struggled and struggled but _he couldn’t move_. Something was boiling up inside him, burning him as he remained entombed in metal and fire. 

He reached out, reached up, trying to free himself from the metal arms, from whatever was inside. He let out a scream as something in his veins seemed to turn his blood to acid, eating him up inside, sending searing pain rushing through every nerve in his body. 

He was burning up. It was too much. It hurt too much. 

Then everything erupted out of him. His vision was filled with green as he was washed clean with pure power. The spherical robots rocked back in an inferno of blinding green light that blasted out of him in one uncontrollable wave. The closest robots crumbled in on themselves whilst those on the outer circle were instantly blackened as if they had been set on a fire. All around him they dropped from the sky like flies. There was no metal arms around him, they had disintegrated into black ash, and there was no robots surrounding him except their torn metal carcasses. 

Loki felt no sense of achievement. He might be free but in that one blast he felt like a thousand years of his life had been torn from him. The very act of standing felt like he was holding up the weight of the world. Every scrap of energy had been taken from him so he wasn’t surprised when dizziness took him. He welcomed the darkness as it crept in. Falling into its cold embrace, Loki crumpled under his body’s attempts to keep functioning and let the darkness take him. 

Loki couldn’t be sure how long he was unconscious but he knew it wasn’t long enough. He would have preferred to linger in the darkness even for a moment longer. He could have stayed in there for a whole lifetime if he had been allowed but it was not to be. 

When Loki came to, he was met with a piercing headache that made every previous hangover seem pathetic in comparison. It took his eyes a moment to focus through the fuzzy light for him to realise that above him, there was a woman staring down at him looking like she was hyperventilating. 

Loki pulled himself up into a sitting position and nearly fell back from the way his head span. Groaning, Loki scanned around him as best as he could in his dazed condition but despite his search he only found the dust of charred robots and nothing else in sight. 

"The robots?" Loki rasped, finally turning his gaze back on the woman .

The woman stared at him, a hollow horrified gaze, as if he was a ghoul. It took her a moment to snap out of it and comprehend what he had said. 

"Gone," She said before pressing her face into her hands with a huge shaky sigh, "God, I thought you were dead. I mean all those... those... things. I thought for sure they’d killed you but there wasn’t any blood,” She stared down at him again, “And if the Avengers hadn't put a stop to it… I don't even think want to think what would have happened to this city.”  

Loki pulled himself up abruptly to his feet, rocking back and forth for a moment, "The Avengers destroyed all of the robots? They are all gone?" 

The woman nodded, straightening her hair with her fingers nervously, "They stopped the attack a while ago, it’s just the clean up now," 

 _What?_  

Loki looked at his phone and saw it was 4:55PM. There were 6 missed calls flashing on the screen and 11 new text messages. Loki swallowed, shoving his mobile away as quickly as he could. 

"I need to go," Loki said urgently, his eyes flickering around the roof. 

The woman peered at him and chewed at her lip, "Just follow all the stairs down," She told him, pointing to the door leading down into the building below, "But I really think you should-" 

Loki didn't catch what she said because he was already racing across the roof. Admittedly his movements were a bit unsteady and nowhere near as fast as normally but it didn’t stop him throwing the door open, flying down the stairs, taking flight after flight with no pause, until he reached the bottom feeling like he was going to collapse from how light-headed he felt. He actually felt worse than when he had first been on the roof. 

Loki tugged his coat up and rushed out into the street. The streets were once again packed, looking completely normal as if a large attack had not occurred. If it were not for the scorch marks Loki would suspect people couldn’t even tell there had been any attack. 

Loki growled under his breath whilst shoving his way through crowds of people, unable to move as fast as he wanted. He was angry at himself for having to stop a number of times when his vision shrunk to the point he stumbled into something and nearly became lost to the dizziness that washed over him. These spells left as quickly as they came so Loki kept pushing himself forward, despite how tired he felt. 

He was hoping if he got back quick enough Sean wouldn’t be too mad, not when he explained what had happened. Sean was bound to have already heard about the incident and would be worried not angry. He might not even make him leave home for a while, which could be a positive, but right now all he could think about was getting back as quickly as he could so that Sean didn’t have enough time to work himself up into a massive rage.  

Loki kept telling himself all the way home that he wasn’t worried and he might have convinced himself it was true if it wasn’t for his pounding heart, his inability to keep his hands still and the way his breath kept catching in his throat. 

Loki lingered by the backdoor for a moment, composing himself as best he could, before quietly opening it. He shut it gently, scanning the kitchen but everything was where it should be and Sean was nowhere in sight.

As Loki delayed in the kitchen he caught the sound of voices in the living room. Loki paused and held his breath as he tried to distinguish the voices. After a moment Loki found he could hear Sean’s voice but he couldn’t work out who the other was, it was too loud and clear to be coming from a phone or the TV, and yet Sean never brought anyone into their house.  

His hand went for his knife. His fingers against its hilt, comforting himself with the knowledge that the blade was there, as he stepped through the archway leading into the living room, finally pulling himself into view.  

On the sofa closest to him, Loki could see Sean sat there with his narrowed eyes still focused on the other person, his posture uncharacteristically straight. Loki’s gaze fell onto the other man but before he could get a proper look Sean had turned to him and Loki broke eye contact, tensing up, preparing to step back but before he could he felt himself freeze as arms were thrown around him.  

"Luke!" Sean tugged him into a tight hug, "Why the hell didn't you call?" 

Loki blinked at his tense concerned tone and felt guilt wash over him. Sean pulled back, cupping his face in his hands, "Do you have any idea how worried I was?"  

Sean’s thumb slowly stroked his cheek and Loki couldn’t help but lean into the touch, "I nearly went mad, we didn’t know where you were, and even Agent..” Sean paused, with a frown. 

"Coulson." 

Loki flinched out of Sean's grip, his eyes flying to the man on the other sofa, realising the suited man was indeed Coulson. He cursed himself for not recognising the Agent instantly.

"You let _him_ in?" Loki hissed under his breath.

"Lok-Lu-Luke." Sean stumbled over his words.

Loki’s eyes widened in horror when Sean didn’t meet his eyes and seemed to be searching for the right words. He could feel a cold chill running down his spine as burning rose up him.

Loki glared at Coulson, clenching his fists, "You told him didn't you?" Loki accused, barely holding himself back from snarling.

"It was not intentional," Coulson said, raising his hands in a soothing gesture.

Loki turned for the door, trying to make a quick escape, but as he went to move Sean grabbed his wrist and physically prevented him from leaving. Loki was about to wrench his arm free but as he met Sean’s eyes he found himself hesitating.

"Luke – Loki - whatever, whoever," Sean let a huff of annoyance at his fumbled words before he became serious and gripped his wrist tighter whilst staring directly at him with an unblinking intensity, "I don't care, okay? Agent Coulson had no idea that I didn’t know who you really were… but it doesn't matter."

Loki felt his face twist for a moment as he tried to keep himself under control. Loki tugged but it only caused Sean to tighten his grip almost to the point of pain.

"How does it not matter?" Against Loki’s will, he felt the edges of his voice shake whilst he searched Sean’s face for the disgust that he knew should be present if he looked hard enough.

This changed everything. To Sean he wasn’t Luke anymore, he wasn’t a mortal, he was Loki, the one who destroyed everything he touched.

His guise had been torn away and Sean would see him to be the liar, murderer, deceiver, the silver-tongued trickster, that everyone else saw him to be. Sean would realise he was unworthy of being loved. After all he had tricked Sean into believing he loved him but he would see the truth now, he would see he was sharing a bed with a _monster_.

"I’m not going to lie, I’m not happy you felt the need to lie to me about who you were, that you felt the need to hide from me,” Sean's gaze narrowed but the grip on his wrist seemed to ease, “But it doesn’t change anything for me. Loki or Luke you're still the same person to me. None of this matters because I already _know_ you, it doesn’t change how I feel about you."

Loki stopped tugging, staring up at Sean instead, and saw he the conviction behind his words. He felt his chest tighten as he waited for Sean to realise his mistake, for him to turn from him.

"Sean," Loki kept his voice low so only Sean could hear him. He brought his eyes up to meet his, “It should matter. The things I’ve done…”

Sean gave him a sad smile, “So you have a bit of baggage, that-“

“A bit?!” Loki stared at him, an odd numb feeling grasping hold of him in a way he only experienced when everything was moments from crashing down around him, “Did Agent Coulson tell you nothing? If you knew only half the crimes I have committed, you would not even _touch_ me!”

Sean grasped his shoulders, “Enough.” Sean said firmly, and it was only then he realised he was shouting.

He fell silent, swallowing as he tried to gain control of himself but only managed to some extent. The thought of losing Sean made him feel sick to his stomach.

“I know what you’ve done,” Sean murmured, “The Agent told me about New York,” He went to reach for his face but Loki backed up, not wanting him sully himself but Sean persisted and cradled his face between his hand, “But he also told me about what really happened, the mind control-“

“That doesn’t change the fact I killed people! I’m a murder, Sean,” Loki gasped out, the force behind it barely rising it above a whisper. He wished he could bury the words away and beg Sean to forget everything he had heard, not that it would change anything.

“No,” Sean insisted, “It’s not that simple, you did what you had to do.” Sean stared down at him for a moment, “I forgive you.” Sean pressed his forehead against Loki’s for a moment and Loki let his eyes fall shut, until he felt Sean draw back.

“Let us leave this in the past. Worrying and fighting over it won’t change it,” Sean insisted.

Loki was about to argue but Sean interrupted him, “Finding out who you really are doesn’t change anything for me. You’re still _you_. “ Sean let out a little laugh, it was the soft kind that Loki didn’t hear often, "The whole dating an Alien God, who’s also a Prince, might take a while to get used to but we have plenty of time.”

His expression turned serious again but Loki could still see the amusement lingering behind his eyes, "But we can discuss it more later if it makes you feel better," Sean said, “Because I’m not going anywhere, you’re not going to scare me off or push me away with whatever things you think you have done, okay?”

Loki just stared at him, trying to comprehend him. He didn’t know what to say. Did this mean Sean _wasn’t_ going to abandon him? He knew some of his worst crimes and he wasn’t turning away from him. This shouldn’t be possible. No one had ever stuck around after realising who he was. He supposed if anyone was going to be this forgiving, and be this perfect, it would be Sean. He couldn’t believe he had found someone like this, let alone kept them.

He wanted to push Sean away, throw words in his face that would surely turn him against him, but Loki was selfish and greedy and instead he silenced his tongue. He wanted Sean and if he could have him for a moment longer before Sean realised his mistake in giving him love, he would take it. Sean would realise eventually the monster that Loki was and he would leave but for now Loki would take whatever Sean would give him, and add it to the list of his crimes.

“Okay?” Sean repeated.

Loki looked up at him, staring into his blue eyes that seemed to glisten in the light giving off hints of grey that he had never noticed before, “Yes,” Loki murmured, “Okay,”

Sean gave him a soft smile and pressed their lips together into a kiss. It was a short one but it spoke silent words between them, it spoke a promise that Sean wouldn’t allow Loki to push him away and as the warm kiss lingered on his lips Loki let himself believe the lie for longer than a moment.

Sean let out a sigh and turned to look at Coulson and Loki couldn’t believe he had actually forgot he had been standing there. However Loki couldn’t really bring himself to care, allowing himself instead to feel amused by how awkward Coulson looked after witnessing what he had. The poor man was staring at the wall like it was the most interesting thing in the world, his expression poorly veiled to express indifference.

"I take it you want us to go now," Sean said to Coulson in one of his more neutral voices that Loki could tell from experience was partially forced.

Coulson gave a stiff nod as his serious gaze turned on them both.

"What?" Loki blinked, shifting his gaze between the two men, "What are you talking about?"

Loki span, his eyes shooting around the room, and for the first time his eyes fell on the one thing out of place in the room - packed bags sat in the corner. 

Coulson stood up, his suit not even ruffled, looking completely out of place in their house. His immaculate suit looked odd against the backdrop of Sean’s clutter and his own muddle of half-finished books stacked everywhere but the conventional places.

"We're taking you, and now Sean, into protective custody."

Loki backed up a couple of steps, glowering at the man, "I'm not going anywhere." Loki said coldly.

"Then what happened today, will happen again." Coulson said calmly, checking his watch with no expression at all.

"I don't understand." Loki replied slowly. 

_I don't even know what happened today._ He felt words trapped at the back of his throat as half formed screams.

"We have reason to believe someone may have taken interest in you," Coulson said crossing his arms, "There is evidence to suggest that it was not a coincidence you were caught in the robot attack."

"Who is interested in me?” Loki narrowed his eyes, “And why?"

"Victor Von Doom. As for the why, there is a number of reasons, neither bode well for any of us."

"Doom?" Loki asked in confusion, not sure whether to laugh at the ridiculous  name or not.

Coulson nodded, "Doctor Doom, Ruler of Latveria.” The Agent took a step forward, “He is the creator of the robots I'm sure you've become acquaint with."

Loki observed Coulson with a tight expression as the Agent folded his arms.

He eventually spoke, letting his displeasure seep into his words, "I am not going into _protective custody_ or whatever fancy word you want to use. I do not care about Doctor Doom or the threat you think he purposes, I am quite capable of looking after myself."

"You think Doom will only go after you?" Coulson asked, his eyes lingering on Sean, “When he sets his eyes on something or someone he doesn’t give up easily. He will use any means to get what he wants and doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process.” 

Loki felt a biting comment rising up but he managed to hold it down. Instead he gritted out, "I have never met this Victor Von Doom nor do I plan to,"

Coulson pulled out a file from Norns knows where and handed it to him, "This should tell you everything you need to know about him." 

Loki flicked open the file, glaring down at page after page of text and images hoping if he stared long enough they would burst into flames.

“For your safety and those around you I really must insist you come into custody,” Coulson said stiffly, breaking his attention from the heavy file.

"You should take his offer." Sean said, "It won't be for forever, it’s just until things calm down."  

Loki scowled, shutting the file and dumping it on the side with a heavy thump, before crossing his arms not caring if he seemed petulant.

"Besides, I've already packed." Sean said.

Loki could sense there was some annoyance beginning to ooze into Sean’s words.

"Where is the protective custody?" Loki gritted out, carefully watching Sean from the corner of his eye.

"We have a couple of safe houses but under the strains of this particular situation, Stark Tower is the only viable option."

Loki glared, clenching and unclenching his hands. Stark Tower was where all the Avengers were, he was _not_ living in the same place as Thor.

"Loki," Sean said warningly, "This is for the best."

Loki’s attention turned back to him as he felt a shiver running down his spine at his tone whilst the rest of him tensed. Sean had that look in his eye, he could see the irritation burning under the surface, ready to rear into the open the second they were alone. 

“Coulson said Victor Von Doom isn’t going to stop.” Sean said, “This is the second time you’ve been caught in an attack and I know you think you can look after yourself and you probably can, but I can’t have you on high alert all the time. I don’t want you looking over your shoulder every time you go out.

“It is just you against all these robots and there’s only so much a person can do, even if you are a God. What if one comes after me or they catch you unaware?” Sean paused and swallowed, threading his fingers together, “At least in protective custody you would have back up. I can’t bear the thought of you getting hurt, because of pride or stubbornness, you’re better than that Loki.”

Loki was about to disagree but Sean gave him a hard stare. It was the type of look Sean only gave him when his patience was waning from him being difficult.

"Fine." Loki said in a flat voice, keeping his gaze from meeting Sean’s again, "But, I'm not stating permanently," _And I don't ever want to see Thor._

Coulson nodded, an odd expression crossing the man’s face for a split second that Loki could not decipher. Yet before he could question it he was already being herded into the car with Sean carrying the bags behind him.

The car ride was silent and awkward. It seemed as if Coulson wanted to anywhere but sat in the car with them. This became abundantly clear by how eagerly he exited the car and how quick his pace was leading them to the lift.

The ride up the lift was as silent as the rest of the journey and Loki was beginning to wonder if Coulson’s face had got stuck at some point because it stayed permanently stone-faced. Sean stayed quiet as well and he found himself wanting to lean against him, feeling somehow freed by not having to hide who he was anymore, but he didn’t feel comfortable showing any degree of affection while was Coulson watching.  

When the elevator doors opened they were instantly met with noise and less maturity than a puppy.  

"Welcome!" Stark grinned, his arms spread wide, "You never call Agent!" 

"I do, you never answer," Coulson replied dryly with a raised brow. 

Stark smirked as he looked at them all. Loki could have sworn something in his expression faltered when he looked at Sean but it vanished so fast Loki assumed he must have imagined it. 

Instead Loki became distracted by Stark squinting at Sean and pouting, "How the hell did find someone taller than you, Loki?" He let out a loud sigh and muttered, “I’m surrounded by bloody Melman copies,” 

Loki rolled his eyes not bothering to give Stark an answer as he noticed Coulson slipping out of the apartment, showing the Agent had some kind of self-preservation. Instead of escaping as well, he was forced to watch with feigned amusement as Stark seemed to dance around the apartment they would be staying in for the period of time the protective custody would last.

Loki noted that the bedroom was bigger than their whole living room at home, that was without taking into account the en suite. The rest of the apartment was open plan and ridiculously modern, sleek and styled. 

He could already tell Sean was impressed by the place but Loki all he could do was resisted the urge to sigh, already regretting agreeing to this. The apartment didn’t feel like home. The living room felt cold and fake, reminding him of the way Asgard’s gold halls seemed to overcompensate for the emptiness that lingered in its rooms. 

He was assured of the safety of the place. There seemed to be more security measures in place than Loki thought necessary from reinforced glass to the all-seeing being that resided in the ceiling, going by the title of Jarvis. 

When Stark finally left them to get settled Loki let out a sigh of relief. With a grunt he flopped face first onto the large bed. He caught the sound of Sean snorting and he suspected he was probably rolling his eyes as well. 

"What?" His was voice muffled because he refused to turn his head.  

"We're staying in _Stark Tower,_ " Sean said, as if that was supposed to be exciting or something. 

"Exactly." Loki muttered. 

He didn’t want to be here and he wasn’t going to pretend he did or act like he was impressed by Stark wealth, everyone else be damned.

"Have you seen the tech?" Sean pestered.

Loki could feel Sean's fingers through his hair, which sent pleasant shivers up his body. The touch was slow and pleasing but ended too soon. Slowly turning, Loki peered at Sean with only one eye. 

"You don't care, do you?" Sean smirked.

Loki raised an eyebrow at him, giving him a look that caused Sean to laugh. Loki twisted and grabbed Sean’s shirt, pulling him down on top of him. Sean smirked as he was dragged down, lazily resting his hands either side of his head. 

"This won't be for long," Sean said in a more serious tone, seeming to be a failed attempt to comfort him, "We'll be back home before you know it, just think of it as a holiday."

Loki rolled his eyes, "Shut up, Sean."

Sean grinned at him before moving down to kiss him. Loki felt his eyes flicker shut, melting into the kiss, grappling and searching for more. 

"Don't be mad," Sean murmured, "I just want to keep you safe."

Loki leant up, his fingers sliding through his hair to guide him into another kiss. Sean went to meet him but let out a pained yelped when Loki bit down hard on his lip. Loki sniggered as Sean bolted up, swearing, as he pressed his hand to his lip. 

“Loki!” Sean protested.

Yet despite his complaints, Loki found he couldn’t stop laughing, even when he tried to muffle it. Sean attempted to shoot him a disapproving look but he couldn’t hide the amusement in his eyes. Eventually Sean gave into the smile he had been trying to conceal and pressed their lips together once more, murmuring his name, his _real_ name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your feedback, it's helping to push me through editing! Sorry for the delay on this chapter, I went to edit it and I ended up adding to it and doubling it in size. I can't wait to share more of this story, I have 50,000 words already written pre-editing, about to enter the climax of this story and I don't even know where this story came from sometimes!
> 
> Anyhow please let me know what you think of this chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

When Loki woke up he found himself staring at an unfamiliar room in a bed he didn’t recognise. He sat up with a start, confused for a moment, before enough sleep fell away that he remembering where he was. Loki let out a sigh, already hating the place after less than 24 hours. He wanted to go home and this place couldn’t feel anything less. 

He could hear the shower running in the bathroom as he padded across the room to the bags in the corner. He tugged out the jumbled clothing, searching through it until he could find some comfortable jeans and hoodie to pull on. 

Loki sat in front of the mirror, braiding part of his hair out of his face so he could drag it back out of his face before wandering into the living room to wait for Sean to finish in the shower. 

"Sir has requested you join him in the meeting room." The ceiling said. 

Loki flinched, having forgot Stark had a servant that resided in the ceiling.

"Why?" Loki scowled.

"The Avengers have requested your presence for the briefing on Victor Von Doom. It is vital that you attend." 

Loki let out a sigh, letting his head drop against the back of the sofa. He really didn’t want to go to the meeting. On one hand he could find out some important information about Doom yet at the same time there was a high possibility that Thor was there. It was very tempting not to go but he doubted he would be able to get away with not going. The last thing he wanted was for them to come and harass him or even try to force him to go, which he knew they would. 

So against his better judgement Loki followed Jarvis’ instructions to the next floor, trying to get a hold of himself so that he would be in control if Thor was there and prepare himself for the others. He may have been pardoned for some of his crimes but that wouldn’t stop some of the Avenger’s holding grudges against him or still blaming him for his actions under the control of the sceptre, not that he blamed them.

Loki came into the meeting room after lingering in the doorway for a couple of moments. The only things in the room seemed to a long table in the middle with chairs around it, a smaller one covered with piles of paper and some sort of viewing device along one wall.

The only person who seemed to have arrived so far was Stark, who seemed to have turned to see who had entered, a bottle still in his grip as he continued to pour himself a drink.

Stark smirked over at him, "Drink?" 

"It's not even ten in the morning yet," Loki replied dryly.  

"Exactly," Stark replied, holding a drink out to him. 

Loki eyed it for a moment before internally sighing and against his better judgement he took the drink from Stark’s hand. He took a long sip, finding it was stronger than the other Midgardian drinks he had come across but it was nowhere near strong by Asgardian standards. Stark’s action made him think back to the last time Stark had offered him a drink but he pushed it aside, he wouldn’t let his mind linger on it for too long, some things were best left to be forgotten. 

He settled in one of the seats around the empty table, thinking he was probably going to need this drink to get through this meeting.  

An awkward silence passed over the room but Loki couldn't be bothered to care enough to fill. He sat drinking, staring at the wall in attempt to pretend he hadn’t noticed the way Stark’s gaze wouldn’t stop lingering on him.  

As he finished his drink, Stark finally spoke, "You look better." 

Loki raised an eyebrow at him as he set his glass down without a sound. 

"Well, you know, you weren’t looking that great last time we met,” Stark elaborated, “You were all bashed up by that building." 

"That was weeks ago, Stark." Loki said bluntly, resting his head on one of his hands. 

"Those kids you saved-" 

Loki waved his hand dismissively, "I don't care." 

"That's not what it looked like to me," Stark replied, “I thought you would want to know that they’re doing really because of you.” 

Loki sighed, pulling his phone out and shoving headphone into his ears to block the Avenger out. Stark gave him a look that he couldn't quite place but he didn’t care because Stark seemed to get the message and left him in peace in favour of fiddling with the viewing device on the far wall.  

Loki kept his eyes on his phone under the pretence of reading, ignoring each Avenger as they arrived. Unsurprisingly Barton and Romanoff were first to enter. Loki could feel Barton's eyes burning into him which seemed so much hotter compared to Romanoff's indifferent gaze. Somehow it was her gaze that made him the most uncomfortable, which was likely due to the way her expressionless mask revealed nothing about how she felt. 

Next was a tense looking Banner who wandered past to talk with Stark. Loki’s music was quiet enough that he could hear them talking however too loud to catch the words. 

Coulson arrived not long after, his face void of expression, with his usual suit on as he took a seat at the head. He exchanged words with a couple of the Avengers which only seemed to be pleasantries. Loki was sure Coulson was looking over in his direction when he thought he wasn’t looking, which made him focus harder on his phone. 

The last people to arrive was Thor and Rogers. Loki felt his stomach sink at the sight of his false brother. This was the exact reason he didn’t want to come to the Tower. He didn’t want to see him. It brought up things Loki would rather not have dragged to the surface. Loki shot Thor his best glare when he noticed Thor attempting to take steps in his direction. Loki felt no guilt as he watched Thor’s expression fall as he turned to take a seat further away with his shoulders dropped.  

Loki pulled his headphones out to silence his music moment before the meeting started and immediately wished he could put them back in but knew he would probably be hindered from doing so. Loki stayed quiet, listening closely as Coulson broke down the events of the different attacks. Apparently there had been three other attacks Loki didn't know about, each leading to casualties and deaths, but he supposed Midgard was too big for him to know what was happening in every place. 

Loki still hadn't read the file on Victor von Doom but through the information Coulson provided Loki was starting to build up an understanding of the mortal in his mind. As each piece that made up his image of Doom slotted together Loki found he hated the mortal even more than before. 

Loki discovered the Avengers were unable to fully confront the mortal due to his political position and the turmoil it would cause. They were instead focusing on disabling his robots and putting up protective and preventative measures. Loki found this all a bit ridiculous, he thought everyone knew the most effective method of stopping something was striking at its source. He was almost positive that even Thor with his lack of visible intelligence knew this tactic. Yet they were choosing not to because of a bit of difficult politics. They were better off killing Doom and dealing with the consequences later, it would be easier. After all it was always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. 

Still Loki listened as well as he could, trying to gleam as much information as he possible. He wouldn’t know what information he would need if he ever came into contact with the mortal so he needed to know as much as he could. He didn’t like facing anyone that knew more about him than he knew of them. It left him at a disadvantage. 

"Which brings us to Loki," Coulson continued, causing Loki to lose his trail of thoughts, "How is it you were able to take out Victor Von Doom’s robots?" 

Loki gave a dismissive shrug, "I just cut all the wiring I could find." 

Barton made a noise of disbelief just as Stark butted in, leaning across the table towards him, "That's impossible, the only effective way we've found to take these robots down is with Pikachu over here," He motioned over to Thor, "We have to use a lot of gunpower just to even make a dent. There’s no way you _just_ cut the wiring inside." 

Loki rested his chin on his head, stifling a sigh, as he explained, "I pulled back the casing with my knife and hacked away at the wiring until the machine dropped."  

"Well that isn't true," Barton muttered, his eyes narrowing at him as if he could glare the lies out of him. 

Loki drew his knife. 

Stark let out a yell but Black Widow in a matter of seconds had a gun pointed to his head. Her gaze was boring deeply into him as her finger twitched over the trigger. 

Loki raised an eyebrow and slowly set the knife in the middle of the table so it was fully visible, "This is the knife I used," He said, smiling innocently at everyone as if there wasn’t a gun pointed at him.  

Loki hid a smirk when the gun was put away and had to resist the urge to look in Barton’s direction, not wanting to antagonise the Agent further despite how fun it would be.  

To his surprise Stark reached out and picked up the knife without flinching. Loki regarded the man whilst he examined his knife. There was more to this mortal than first met the eye, he would have to keep closer tabs on him. 

"Mother made you that one," Thor broke in. 

Loki nodded with a little hum before saying to Stark, "There's runes along the hilt, it makes the knife stronger, long lasting and resistant to magic.” 

Loki was so surprised how focused Stark’s gaze became on him that he couldn’t stop himself saying more, “The runes keep the blade sharp. They can be enhanced to make it return to my hand in battle but at the moment it is charmed so that those with bad will against the user cannot touch it.” 

Which is why he would have to revaluate Stark. The runes didn’t lie but this turn of events certainly brought some things into question. He didn’t like surprises, he liked to be able to predict things. 

Stark’s eyes lit up and he twisted the blade in his hand to look at the other side, "The runes… this mumbo jumbo might be why you were able to gut that robot." Stark grinned, “Of course, it makes sense now! Mjolnir is the reason Point Break is so effective against the robots so having a knife like this with runes giving it that extra advantage.. this might be why you were able to stop Doom’s robots so easily.” 

There was no might about it, the blade was the reason he had been able to take out the robots. The All-Mother's weapons were unfailing and so potent that few were made and even less used. This knife was only one of a couple in existence that Loki knew of.  

Barton craned his neck get a better look at the knife better but was unable to see due to the way Stark was holding it. Barton reached out and grabbed it. He’d barely got his grip on it when he let out a pained yelp and he dropped it. Loki could already see runes burning deep into his fingers and palm as the glowing knife clattered across the table..  

Thor bolted up from his seat, looming above the table. 

"Thor, don't." Loki warned, taking the knife back.  

"What the fuck?!" Barton cursed, clutching at his branded hand.  

Thor predictably ignored Loki, choosing instead to storm straight into Barton and slammed him hard up against the wall. Loki was surprised Barton didn’t end up going through the wall but there was still time where Thor was concerned. Loki found all he could do was groan into his hands as the situation unfolded.  

"You dare harm my brother?!" Thor thundered.  

"Me? Harm him?" Barton's voice was high as he struggled against the arms holding him in place. His face remained frozen in a twisted expression of confusion for a moment before his eyes went cold and he snarled, "Get off me! I'm the one who got hurt here! I didn’t do anything!” 

"Thor, get off Agent Barton **_now_**."  

Something in his tone must have resonated with Thor because it caused him to slowly turn.  

"The runes on the knife allow it to sense the intention of harm not the action." Loki reminded Thor, “Just because Barton wishes me bad will doesn’t mean he will actually follow through. You can’t condemn him for something he hasn’t even done yet.” 

Thor stepped away, freeing Barton from his grip as he turned from the wall to fully face him, "Yes but-" 

Barton let out a snarl, his face twisting into an expression more suited for an animal than a man. He launched himself at Loki with so much force that they were sent crashing to the ground, barely missing the table in the middle of the room. Before Loki could think he was rolling across the floor and flipping himself onto to his feet, his body poised. 

"Barto-" Loki ducked a flying punch and tipped his body back to avoid a kick. 

Barton took another swing before pursuing forward, forcing Loki backwards.  Loki evaded his grasp but was grabbed when Barton hurled himself forward. Loki let himself drop so that he became deadweight in Barton’s grip. The sudden weight caused Barton to tip forward as he was almost unbalanced. Barton’s face warped into a mask of rage as he brought his fist hard into Loki’s face. Pain rocked through him as his head cracked back. Loki snarled and slammed his knee into Barton’s stomach, causing him to jerk forward with a pained grunt. Loki immediately launched forward, shoving the man to the ground.  

Loki glared down at the Barton for a moment before pulling himself up and off him, hoping this was the end of the fight. Loki took a step away from Barton but the man shot upwards and yanked him back by his neck. Barton twisted his arm around his throat but Loki clamped down on the arm with his teeth, hard enough to draw blood. Barton screeched and loosened his grip enough for Loki to slip away. 

Loki made it a couple of seconds before he found himself slammed against the wall, his throat pinned by Barton's forearm. Loki cocked an eyebrow. Loki could already see five ways out of this position and was sure there were multiple others. Loki could feel his hidden knife against his thigh and the one hidden up his sleeve, it would take just one move and he could end this and Barton. 

The pressure on his neck increased making it hard to breathe properly. Something in Barton's eyes had become wild, they were seeing him but at the same time looking straight through him. The man’s breath was fast and ragged, uncontrolled in a way Loki had never known it to be. He could feel the sharp tip of metal pressed against his skin, Loki suspected it to be one of Barton’s knives.  

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Came a growl and Loki suddenly found  Barton being dragged off him and was nearly thrown to the ground. 

Standing over Barton was a furious Sean, his eyes were darkened and a predator look in them, his face was distorted into a vicious snarl. Loki was sure Sean would have killed Barton with his bare hands if it hadn’t been for Romanoff grabbing Barton’s wrist in a firm grip and dragging him away whilst she muttered rapidly into his ear. Barton’s gaze seemed to stare off to the side, going through everything and everyone. 

"I thought you were supposed to be the Avengers!" Sean accused, his fists clenched so tightly Loki could see the whites of his knuckles, “But you let one of your own attack an innocent-" 

"He's not exactly innocent I'm afraid," Stark broke in, seeming unconcerned when Sean glared at him, instead stared right back in what Loki almost mistook for a challenge. 

Sean’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly before his expression soften and he turned towards Loki, "Are you okay?" Sean murmured so only the two of them could hear. 

Loki nodded but froze when Sean gripped his chin gently and frowned as he touched his bruised cheek. Loki slowly drew away from his touch. 

"I’m fine," He insisted, his gaze not moving up to meet Sean’s. 

"Who the fuck are you?" Barton snarled, trying to push forward but was unable to free himself from Romanoff’s firm grip.  

Stark said, "Boyfriend." Just as Loki said, "Roommate." 

Loki shot Stark a glare but he didn't even have the decency to look even slightly sheepish.  

"Boyfriend?" Thor thundered. 

Loki gritted his teeth, trying to edge between them to stop Thor towering over Sean. Thor glowered down at Sean looking like he was moments away from crushing him into the ground.  

"Yes," Sean said with a raised an eyebrow. There was a smirk across his face but it never fully reached his eyes, "Have you got a problem with that?" 

"You would dare lay your hands on my brother?" Thor growled, his hammer in hand and partially raised. 

Loki took a deep breath, trying to calm the burning feeling building up inside him. He knew that look in Thor’s eyes.  

"I really don't think it's any of your business." Sean said firmly, stepping forward into Thor’s space.  

"None of my business?!" 

Thor let out a roar and swung Mjolnir but Loki was already shoving Sean back out of range. 

Loki grabbed Thor by the shoulders and yelled, "Stop it!" 

He could feel his hands shaking with rage and he fought with himself to still them. A single hit from Mjolnir could have seriously injured Sean and it would have been his fault for letting him get in the middle of him and Thor. 

With a growl Loki roughly shoved him. Thor stumbled back. There was a confused look in the back of his eyes that mixed with anger for a moment before they became narrowed again. 

"Stop trying to kill everyone I try to court!" Loki snapped, his fists clenched into balls. 

Thor blinked, staring at him for a moment, "I don't." He insisted. 

Loki glared at him, "Seriously? You're going to lie to me. _Me?_ " He hissed, taking a step forward, "How about the Vanir I was seeing that you tried to kill?" 

“I don’t know who you mean...” Thor said, trying to sound innocent but failed due to the sheepish look ghosting across his face. 

“Sigyn?” Loki grounded out, forcing himself not to strike out at him, “You’re denying that you tried to kill her?” 

"I didn't truly kill her," Thor said defensively, his expression beginning to resemble a pouting child rather than a grown Aesir. 

“Oh and that makes it so much better, doesn’t it?” Loki spat, his lips curling as his voice dripped with sarcasm. 

He narrowed his eyes at Thor before asking slowly, "What about the elf I tried to court from Ljosalfgard?"  

Thor must have found the floor the most interesting thing in the realm from the way he was staring at it. 

"He wasn't permanently maimed," Thor tried. 

"You broke his leg.” Loki said through his teeth. 

Thor cleared his throat, shifting on his feet, but didn’t deny the accusation. 

Loki glowered at him, “And that was before you pushed him out of my window!” 

“You can’t prove I did that.” Thor rumbled, folding his arms. 

“I saw you do it,” Loki struggled to keep his voice levelled, “I was in the room, Thor.” 

“He tripped….?” Thor said, though it sounded more like a suggestion than a statement. 

Loki buried his face in his hands for a second. He couldn’t decide if Thor thought he was that stupid or was just this bad at lying. 

He let his hands drop and instead told Thor firmly, "You are not so much as touching Sean. My relationship is _none_ of your business." 

Thor gave him a look that told him quite clearly that Thor thought the complete opposite but was trying to conceal it. 

"What family does he come from?" Thor attempted.

"It matters not." Loki snapped. 

Thor’s expression became serious as he rumbled, "I cannot allow this to continue, you do not have the All-Father’s approval." 

Loki stilled for a moment, feeling the urge to scream but instead let out a quiet, "Oh?" Before letting a cold smile spread across his face, "So you got permission to court Foster, then?" 

Thor’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before Thor protested, "That's different." 

Loki scoffed, “It always is.” 

“Bro-“ 

Loki growled, turning away to hide how much his body was beginning to shake. Thor grabbed his wrist but Loki yanked his hand out of his grip for him, immediately striding away before he gave into the urge to pull his knife out on him.

"Fara til helvítis!" Loki snarled at Thor when he tried to follow. 

Loki stormed out of the room to avoid Thor’s reply that he knew would only aggravate him further. The door slammed behind him so hard that it shook the whole frame but even that didn’t satisfy him.  

He strode down the corridor hearing footsteps behind that after a while he recognised as Sean’s. They didn't speak to each other as they moved down the corridor to their apartment, Sean remained silent for the whole journey but Loki was too caught up in his own thoughts to give it too much notice. 

He knew moving in here had been a bad idea. He had ended up putting Sean in danger because of him. Thor could have killed him and it would have been his fault. He couldn’t do a single thing right, not one thing. He was such a fool. 

Loki could still feel himself vibrating with emotion even after they made it into their living room. Loki slumped onto the sofa with a sigh, glaring down at the ground.  

"Interesting brother you have." Sean said dryly, standing in the middle of the room. 

"He’s not my brother." Loki muttered, fiddling with his sleeve. 

Sean sneered, "Well, it's not like you've ever told me is it, _Luke_?"  

"Sean-" 

Sean was already gone, disappearing into the kitchen. Loki buried his face into his hands for a moment, cursing himself, before swallowing and going after him.  

He stood, lingering in the doorway as Sean stood preparing something. At least Loki assumed that was what he was doing but really it seemed to just be a mass of slamming things. Loki could have sworn Sean was trying to rip off the kitchen cupboard from the way he was handling them. Sean slammed down a jar onto the counter and it took everything not to flinch at the sound. He felt the urge to step back out of the room and deal with this later but he knew from experience that it would just make it worse for himself. Instead he stepped into the room, his heart skipping a couple of beats. 

"You said you weren't mad at me... for not telling you who I was." Loki said softly, shifting on the spot as Sean’s gaze burned into him. 

"I'm not," Sean's eyes seemed to flash.  

"Then why-" 

"'Why?'" Sean snarled suddenly getting right up close to him.  

Loki couldn’t stop himself backing away and nearly pressing himself up to a wall as Sean followed him with each step. 

"I was worried about you, you didn't tell me where you went. You just left me," Sean’s gaze darkened, his voice was level but Loki could hear its tense tone as Sean attempted to keep his anger from leaking out, "And then when I finally found you, you managed to get yourself into a fight." 

Loki swallowed, "I didn't think I had to tell you where I was g-"  

Sean struck him hard in the face with a closed fist causing his head to crack back into the wall. Everything span for a moment. He clutched at his face to ease the pain burning across it and tried to ignore the metallic taste filling his mouth. 

"You didn't think? You didn’t think? You **never** think!" Sean roared, "I need to know where you are all the time. How else am I supposed to keep you safe?” 

Loki pulled himself up straight, ignoring the stinging sensation lingering on his skin. He could feel his hands shaking despite his attempts to still them. Loki raised his eyes to meet Sean’s gaze but found he was unable to hold it and let it drop again. 

After a moment Loki found himself able to protest even if his voice was barely level over his shaky breath, "I.. I don't need you to keep me safe." 

"Yes you do!" Sean screeched, causing Loki to flinch. 

"I don't," Loki insisted, his breath hitching when it abruptly felt like there was no air in the room. 

His voice died in his throat. Loki could already feel the regret for his rebuttal even before he saw the way Sean’s knuckles turned white. Loki tried to step back but his back knocked against the wall. There was nowhere for him to manoeuvre when Sean struck him again. This time it was harder and he was sent reeling from the pain, yet he was relieved he barely even gave a gasp, even as Sean’s fist collide with him almost immediately after.  

"All you do is get yourself into trouble." Sean’s grip on his shoulder was tight enough to leave bruises, "You just keep walking yourself into dangerous situations like a complete fucking idiot." 

"It’s pathetic," Sean slammed him back into the wall, towering over him with his eyes blazing,  “You’re pathetic. You’re a walking fucking disaster.” 

Loki could feel a lump forming in his throat as he struggled for a reply but it was as if his throat had closed up.  

Sean’s face twisted and he was violent shoved to the ground. Loki tried to catch himself but fell awkwardly, jarring his body painfully. He partially dragged himself up but was kicked hard in the stomach. He let out a grunt, curling inwards, his arms half up which only seemed to anger Sean further because he kicked him again and again. 

“You’re a complete fuckup,” Sean’s breath seemed almost ragged, “You never think about anyone but yourself, do you? Do you even think about how I feel when I don’t know where you are? I bet you don’t even fucking care.” 

“Se-”

Sean’s foot collided with him but this time Loki didn’t even raise his arms. He let out a grunt and tasted blood between his lips. 

“Selfish prick,” Sean spewed, “That’s what you fucking are.” 

Loki flinched under the words but barely moved as he heard the door slam. He slowly dragged himself up but he only stood for a moment before he slumped back against the wall and just let himself slid down it. He could feel his eyes burning but didn’t bother to stop the tears from running down his face. He remained silent. His face was unmoving as he buried his face in his hands, trying to ignore the wetness between his fingers.

He was completely useless. All he did was screw up. Sean was going to leave him this time and he wouldn’t even blame him. He was too selfish. He was a screw up. He knew that. He was stupid to even think he was worthy of someone like Sean. But it didn’t matter now, he had screwed up, that was the only thing he could do. 

When Loki was able to focus on his surroundings he realised he was on the bed with no memory of the clothes he was now wearing. He felt too numb to bring himself to care. Loki lay there staring at the wall and became aware of the way parts of his body throbbed and ached.

He couldn't see the point of any of this anymore. He just wished he wasn’t a coward and he just got it over with already. But he’d screwed that up as well. When Loki had let himself embrace the void he had been so sure that he would… but no he couldn’t even do that right.

He was such a fool. He deserved this.

Loki didn’t know how much time past before Sean came back. He could feel a part of him rise up just as another part of him fell. Loki remained still on the bed with his eyes closed as if he was asleep. He couldn’t deal with the rejection he would get or the words Sean would give him that he already knew. He would have to work so hard to get Sean to forgive him and even then his effort wouldn’t be enough. He would never be able to make himself worthy of Sean.  

He felt the bed dip next to him and arms wrap around him as Sean let out a little sigh. 

"I'm sorry..." Sean murmured.

Loki slowly turned his head to look at Sean and saw him staring back at him, his eyes filled with regret as he said, "I just, I can't lose you."

Loki felt the tension in his stomach leave him. Feeling something in him relax and a tiny bit of hope seep in. Maybe everything could go back to normal. 

"It won't happen again," Sean promised, caressing his hair, "I don’t know, I let my emotions get the better of me. I know it’s not an excuse but I’m sorry."

Loki nodded, resting his forehead against his shoulder and tried to bury himself into his familiar warmth. Loki relaxed against him as Sean murmured sweet nothings and apologises. 

This would be the last time Sean hit him. He would try harder, he would be better. It was his fault Sean had hit him in the first place. If he didn’t make Sean so angry, if he just listened to what he told him and let him look after him, then he wouldn’t lose control and hurt him.

He didn’t blame Sean for it. Somehow just having him here, next to him was enough. Not being alone, having someone warm against him made it all worth it. To know someone finally loved him, he would do anything to keep it.

The next day when Loki looked in the mirror, he knew he wouldn’t be able to leave the apartment for at least a week. Across one cheek was a small bruise that was due to Barton but along the other cheekbone a large bruise rose up to his eye. It was dark purple and yellow and stood out against his pale skin. He could see ghosts of bruises along his arms and stomach marking the place of bruises yet to come. 

Loki reminded himself it wouldn’t happen again. They weren’t even that bad, they were just a few bruises and they would fade in time.

He felt his stomach sink. The bruises across his skin were his own fault. He deserved every single one and probably more. If he hadn’t been so full of himself, so selfish, if he had just thought about his actions for once, he would have realised how much he had hurt Sean. Sean had got so angry because he had been so concerned about him, so worried about where he had been that he had lashed out. This just showed how much Sean loved him.  

Loki turned away from his reflection and ignored the damp feeling against his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, this chapter should have been out weeks ago but lets just say life exploded in my face big time. But I've pushed on and here's the latest installment, I'm going to get on with editing the next chapter asp.
> 
> Thank you for all your lovely feedback, it really helps push me on with getting chapters out quicker for you. I listen to music a lot while writing and 'Words as Weapons' by Birdy seems to be the track for this chapter *shrug* just thought I'd share


	7. Chapter 7

For the next week Loki didn't leave the apartment. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to and more that Sean wouldn’t let him. Even under the guise of shopping Sean refused and went out himself to buy all the things they needed. 

Loki could tell Sean was worried about him and didn't want him to get hurt again but this place was nothing like their house. It wasn't like being at home and he hated how foreign everything felt. The apartment was making Loki feel stir-crazy. He needed to go outside but even if he wanted to the image in the mirror reminded how he couldn’t. He could lie about the marks on his skin, he knew he could pull it off, but it was so much easier for the questions not to come up in the first place and so he remained in the apartment instead. 

The week dragged on with little in the apartment to keep him entertained, not that it mattered much as he couldn’t muster any energy. His lack of interest in doing anything didn’t stop the apartment feeling smaller when Sean was called away for a night shift at work, leaving him alone in barely half an hour notice. 

Loki tried to go to sleep but he couldn’t quite make himself. The bed felt empty and the room felt so alien that Loki found himself tossing and turning, unable to shut off his mind. 

Around 3AM Loki got sick of staying in bed for sleep that probably wouldn’t come and instead got out of bed. He stood in the dark for a moment before throwing on a hoodie and deciding he would take a quick walk. Sean wasn’t here to see and it might actually help tire him out.  

He opened the door to the apartment and felt his heart thudding in his chest as an uneasy feeling seeped under his skin. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, if Sean found out he didn’t even want to think how angry he would be. But Loki pushed on anyway, it was just a little walk and what Sean didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. 

As he wandered through Stark’s many halls Loki didn’t come across a living soul. He supposed it was because it was too early but either way he was relived for it. There was something comforting in the silent rooms and walkways. It made him feel like he was the only person left alive in the realm and it reminded him of when he used to go exploring different realms alone, where he knew no one and no one knew him.  

Loki followed a set of stairs leading down and found himself walking through  darkened labs, most of them locked but he could see into them through the glass. The labs seemed to go and on as he wandered through the dark floor. 

The darkness of early morning seemed to making the halls longer and closer together as he continued his walk.  Moving to the next floor Loki found room after room, except these rooms seemed more lived in. Loki spotted half empty coffee mugs littering surfaces, stacks of thing everywhere and in one room it was filled with artwork stacked against dusty furniture. 

At some point he found himself stood over a swimming pool. It was a long deep one that seemed to go down and down. The water was eerily still and grey from the lack of light. The only sound was a faint hum of the filter and the echo of his boots against the tile. 

Further along Loki discovered a gym. It was a huge room with equipment everywhere, half of which Loki didn't even know what there function was but decided they looked more like torture devices than anything else.  

Targets against the far wall of the gym caught Loki’s eye.  He moved towards it and discovered there was a whole set of throwing knives spread out on the table next to it. Loki picked up one of them and twisted it in his hand to watch the way it glinted in the dull light.  

"Can you turn the lights on, Jarvis?"  Loki murmured.  

"Certainly." The voice in the ceiling replied coolly. 

The lights flickered on and for a moment his eyes stung from the sudden bright light. Loki stood for a couple of seconds to allow his eyes to adjust before he stepped backwards until he was some distance from the target. 

Loki weighed the knife in his hand for a moment before throwing it across the room at the board. The blade spun through the air and stuck deep into the board, almost dead centre. Loki threw the others in quick succession, satisfied with the noise they made as each landed to form a perfect circle.  

Loki tugged them out and threw them again. He found himself falling into the comforting repetition. It was just him, the board and the thud as each blade met with it. There was something relaxing about throwing knifes. He supposed it was familiarity, something he had been doing so often over the centuries that he barely had to think about what he was doing. Instead he let his mind melt away and just let his body do the throwing. 

When Loki managed to throw them all in a seamless line he heard a whistle behind him. Loki tensed, his grip on the next knife tightening. 

"You have some skill, McCready." Came Stark’s voice behind him.  

Loki hid his scowl, already hating the shattering of his privacy. He should have known his peace couldn’t last forever but he had hoped for a while longer since it was too early for any normal person to be awake. Loki supposed that explained why it was Stark of all people.  

"I've had centuries of practice," Loki muttered, throwing a blade in the centre harder than necessary.  

"Nah, there is definitely some natural talent there." Stark said with a thoughtful edge to his voice.  

Loki ignored him and threw three knives in quick procession, trying not to throw them too aggressively but not succeeding too well. He was hoping if he ignored Stark long enough that he would get the hint and leave him in peace before he had to go back to his apartment.  

"Can't sleep?" Stark asked, leaning against some of the equipment. 

Loki didn’t reply and instead flung the next blade with such force the thud echoed loudly and he was sure that the knife was so deeply embedded in the board that it would be difficult to remove without causing more damage. 

Stark sighed at his silence, "Look, I'm sorry for outing you to your brother. I didn't think Thor would have a problem with you being gay-" 

"I am not gay." Loki said coldly, lowering the blade in his hand, "Besides, Thor already knows of my interest in courting men." 

"Oh." Stark paused for a moment before replying in a puzzled voice, "I thought because you hadn't shown up to any of the other meetings that…" 

 _What other meetings?_  

Loki froze for a moment as he searched his memory but couldn’t recall Jarvis or anyone else telling him about meetings. He had no recollection of any meetings after the first one otherwise he would have gone to them. He wouldn’t have liked to but he would have done it anyway. 

Loki quickly strode forward and tried to ignore the unease sinking into his stomach. 

"I have no interest in your so called meetings. The mortal Doom is your issue to solve, not mine," Loki tugged the knives from the board, "Now if you'll excuse me." 

Loki placed the knives back on the table, lining them up the way he had found them, then he made for the opposite door away from Stark. He kept his head turned away as much as possible but as he passed by the mortal he found Stark suddenly gripping his wrist and tugging him around.  

"Let go." Loki snapped, yanking his hands from his grip as he flinched away from his touch. 

Loki tried to turn away but it was already too late. Stark was staring at him with a look of horror as his eyes trailed across his whole face for the first time.  

"What the hell happened to your face?" 

"Barton." Loki lied, hiding the way his hands were beginning to shake slightly. 

Stark frowned, his eyes lingering on the bruises across his face before his gaze skittered away with an unreadable expression in his eyes. 

"He only punched you once, there's no way it would cause that amount of bruising." Stark said with a softness Loki had never heard from him. 

"Well it did," Loki gritted out. 

He could feel his chest tightening as Stark’s brows rose up in disbelief. Loki swallowed. He couldn’t let Stark know. He couldn’t let anyone know. He wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye anymore. It would just make it all that much real. It would show them all just how weak he was, how pathetic he really was under it all. 

Loki took in a stuttered breath. It didn’t matter anyway. He would be the one blamed. Rightly so, this was all his fault. It always was and always would be. 

“Bullshit,” Stark countered, taking a step forward as Loki took one back, “That wasn’t all Barton. No fucking way.” 

Loki’s heart was pounding in his chest, “It was all him.” Loki insisted but the words sounded weak even to his ears. 

"Loki, I get if you’re scared but is there something y-" 

"Stop it." Loki snapped. 

His heart felt as if it was pounding in his chest and all he wanted to do was run. Loki’s limbs felt cold and numb and the room felt so far away. He didn’t like the way Stark was looking at him. It was like he _knew._ But that was impossible, he couldn’t, no one did and he was going to keep it that way. No one would understand the way he did. 

"Stop pretending you actually care.” Loki shouted as the whole room started to sway to the side, “You don't. None of you do! Not you, not Thor. So stop treating me like a fool. I’m not here for your entertainment. If you can't deal with the fact Barton did this, then that isn't my problem!" 

Loki glowered at Stark as the mortal stared back wide-eyed and he took the moment of shock to storm towards the door.  

Stark broke from his stillness and shouted after him, "Loki!" 

Loki threw up his middle finger and disappeared out of the gym with a slammed door as his last response.  

Stark didn't bother him after that. No one did. He was honestly surprised. He was sure Stark would have gone after him. The mortal never seemed to have a good track record for leaving things well enough alone but Loki definitely was glad to be proved wrong, the last thing Loki wanted was to have Stark sticking his nose where he wasn’t wanted. 

He was more surprised Thor hadn't broken his door down by now. That’s what the oaf had done in the past when he had been avoiding him but Loki supposed things between them had changed. Loki almost wished.. _No._ The change was good, he didn’t need him or anyone, not when he had Sean. Other people just got in the way of what was important. 

Loki didn’t see any other Avengers after his encounter with Stark but that was mostly due to Sean telling him he shouldn’t leave the apartment. Loki had tried a week later but that had only caused an argument that spiralled out of control. Sean had hit him and asked why he had wanted to leave. Sean had accused him of sneaking out to cheat on him. Loki had insisted he wasn’t but that had only made Sean angrier, making him call a liar as well as a half dozen other things. Sean told him he was nothing without him. Sean described every way he was useless, every way he fucked up until Loki couldn’t see because his vision had become too blurry. Then Sean had struck him again for being so pathetic.

It was only when he promised he wouldn’t go out that Sean’s anger simmered. Loki was eventually accepted back and was allowed to curl into Sean, his head resting on his chest and the calming feeling of Sean’s fingers through his hair as Sean told him how much he loved him without saying a word.

It was another three days until Sean left again for a night shift at his work. He gave Loki little notice, one minute he was there and then the next he was kissing him goodbye with his workbag slung over his shoulder. 

The apartment felt quiet and empty in a way that made him feel uncomfortable but Loki couldn’t find the energy to go anywhere else. Instead he stayed at the kitchen table, flicking aimlessly through a Stark Tablet that had come with the place. He was almost impressed by some of the technology that the mortals had created, yet at the same time he felt disappointed in them as they could do so much more with it. 

It was already late in the night and the long windows along the walls would almost be black if it wasn’t for the lights of the city around him. Staring out at the city Loki thought he should probably have gone to bed hours ago but he couldn’t bring himself to. He couldn’t decide if it was because of the weight he felt inside him or his inability to face an empty bed.  

As Loki turned his gaze from the window back to his tablet he felt a shiver down his neck. He froze in his seat to stop himself from jerking at the sensation washing over him. There was an odd feeling of dread oozing into the room all around him and threating to seep inside him. The apartment didn’t feel so empty anymore and Loki was sure he wasn’t alone anymore despite knowing he had been only moments earlier. It felt as if there were eyes on the back of his neck, like he was being watched and examined. He could feel every muscle in his body starting to tense as his fingers started to itch to grab his weapon but he remained perfectly still. 

Behind him Loki could hear the faint echoes of what might have been footsteps, until they suddenly faded away and was replaced by a quiet whirling and an odd clicking sound.  

Loki yanked his knife out and jumped from the chair, spinning around, to come face to face with a huge metal face. It had cold blue lights for eyes that stared from its expressionless frozen face. The huge humanoid robot rose over him with metal arms twice the size of his own and a huge body that towered down. There was a creaking clicking sound of metal sliding against metal as an opening revealed itself on its shoulder to expose what looked like the barrel of a gun.  

Loki snapped back from his staring and flung his knife at the creature. Its head flicked out of the way of the blade unnaturally fast. Loki swore and flipped back over the counter to avoid the spray of bullets from the robot’s shoulder. The robot undeterred, fired another round as Loki rolled out of the way of the shower of bullets. 

As Loki took off running  he noticed imbedded in the walls were not bullets as he had first assumed but what looked like arrows made of long pointed metal with a slight feathered edge to the top.  However Loki pushed on, keeping his movements zigzagged and random as he avoid the robots attacks across the living room. 

"Jarvis!" Loki shouted but his reply was only silence.   

Loki cursed the lack of response. The only reason he had stayed in this Tower was for so called _protective_ custody and he wasn’t getting that right now. In fact he seemed more at a disadvantage in this place than he would have been at home. At least at home he would have been more familiar with the layout. 

Loki could hear the whirl of motors as the robot kept coming at him with such speed it would outrun him in moments. Loki swore and twisted on the spot. Grabbing a chair Loki smashed it over the robot’s head. The chair broke and splintered but the robot remained undamaged as it reached out with its huge hand. 

Loki darted back a couple of steps to avoid another spray of projectiles before throwing himself forward, slashing at the creature with his knife. Sparks flew and the metal dented under the blade but otherwise the robot remained unharmed as it slammed its metal fist into the empty air where Loki’s face had been. 

Loki threw his arms up as the window behind him shattered, sending sharp glass flying at him. Loki barely dodged the robot flying in through the broken window. He ducked away as it grabbed for him but felt a sharp stab in his leg as he was unable to avoid the shot it fired. 

Loki scrambled away and almost stumbled as his back hit the wall. With a pained grunt Loki yanked the feathered needle like arrow from his leg in one swift pull, trying to ignore the odd tingling sensation running up and down his leg. 

Loki looked up at the two huge robots converging on him as he realised that he had backed himself up into a corner. He tried to weave between them but his movements were sluggish and before he could fit past the robots were already blocking his path. Loki took a step back to avoid their grasp but stumbled, his body falling against the wall.  The leg beneath him had become numb and unmoving as if it was no longer part of his body. 

The room seemed to dip and spin and he found he couldn’t focus on the robots in front of him as a strange dizziness crept across him. He could feel the leg that had been shot being to fold under his weight. Nausea washed over him as his body became cold and a wave of sharp pain entered his lungs.

The robot’s huge arm reached out for him and he tried to throw his arm up in defence but the limb didn’t response. He felt his breathing spike as he realised there was no way out of this. Loki tried to shout out but he could even get his lips to respond. He knew his heart should be racing in his chest but it was beating unnaturally slow.

He braced for the creatures blow but instead a single powerful wave of green light, a pulse of raw energy, shot from him. The green light engulfed the robots in one blast that rocked the room. 

Loki was blinded for a moment but his eyes adjusted as the green of his magic faded. In the place where his magic had struck the robots remained standing, green mist seeping between the cracks of their metal whilst their blue eyes glowed brighter than ever before.

Another arrow pierced his shoulder as the robot struck him with one hard swipe of its metal arm. The blow sent Loki’s body tumbling to the ground without an inch of pain since he couldn’t even feel the ground beneath him.

There was a heavy weight pressed against his chest that seemed to seep under skin. It made him want to give up but just as Loki was going to let his eyes fall shut he caught sight of red on the wall. Loki forced himself to push himself up onto his shaky arms. He pulled himself along the floor with his legs dragging uselessly behind him. Each pull of his body and panted breath brought the narrowing of his vision closer. Yet the sound of motors whirling and metal footsteps behind him made him push himself quicker as the robots drew closer.

Loki pulled himself up after a couple of moments of grabbling with the edge of the stool and managed to hoist his body to the correct height. He took in one gasping breath and with the last of his strength slammed his fist into the red fire alarm. The glass shattered and a shrill shrieking sound screamed from the ceiling, echoing across the room and Loki hoped the rest of the building.

He managed to hold himself up for a moment longer before his arms gave in and he simply fell to the ground. His whole body ceased up and he was unable to move or make a sound from his numb lips.

With the last of his blurry sight Loki made out a pair of legs obscuring his vision. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've edited this as much as I can without screaming so I'm sorry for any errors.
> 
> Please let me know what you think, your feedback pushes me to edit quicker :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you read the tags because this chapter isn't going to be icecream in the park

It was cold. Everything was cold. _No._ Loki could feel heat brushing against his skin, it was inside where he felt frozen as if he was nothing but ice. His body ached and throbbed as if it had been dragged for miles tied to a horse. His arms were heavy weights, feeling numb and weak. The ground beneath him was hard but somehow didn't feel solid, almost like he was floating and drifting through the floor.  

Loki slowly opened his eyes and instantly regretted it when he had to shield them from the bright light blazing down on him. Except that was what Loki tried to do but instead of him throwing one arm over his eyes he found both hands came together. Loki let out a sigh that was threatening to sound like something else. He could feel the familiar sharp bite of metal around his wrists. It seemed everywhere he went lead to this, his wrists bound and explanations left unsaid. It seemed no matter what he did, or what he said, Loki couldn’t bring himself to end up on top. He always ended up here with his wrists in shackles. 

Loki felt cold arms seize him from behind and roughly drag him up in one swift movement. He tried to twist around to see who had hold of him but all he caught was the glint of metal before he was yanked forward. 

Loki was dragged down a long corridor with his legs trailing uselessly behind him whilst he struggled under their grip, trying to find purchase until he was able to work his legs into some parody of walking so he could move in a more dignified manner. Even then Loki still stumbled from their fast pace and the lack of control of his movement, which was probably an aftereffect of the drug in those arrows that made him feel weak, dizzy and made everything take a misty edge.   

As Loki was forced through into a room Loki was hit by the overwhelming smell of artificial chemicals and of bleach. It felt like there was nothing alive in the room. The walls were a mass of white tiles and the floor equally white, there was so much white it hurt his eyes. 

Loki couldn’t make his body move fast enough to fight against the arms pushing him down into the chair. It felt like he was floating as he was strapped down with his wrists chained to the arms. He felt the air trapping in his throat as he found he couldn’t move his body against the bindings. Loki twisted and pulled but it was as if he hadn’t even moved. His body seemed to be trapped first by the drug that stilled his moments and then the bindings that held him in place. 

Loki winced as he felt needles piercing his wrists. He struggled against the sharp pain but couldn’t move away when the needles were put into place nor could he dislodge the long tubes now stretching  across the ground from his wrists. Loki felt a wave of dizziness fall over him as his attempt to wrestle against the restraints slowly weakened. 

Instead Loki twisted his head to establish his surroundings but all he saw were the cold blue eyes of the robots. He spotted a huge metal device nearly out of  his sight which he swore the tubes were curling towards but he couldn’t keep focused as his mind seemed to slip in and out of consciousness whilst the drug ran its course.  

He didn’t know how long he lay there, it could have been only minutes or it could have been hours and he would have been none of the wiser, since the drug seemed to distort his senses and perception. 

Yet even as the drug still ran in his system it didn’t stop him startling as the door slammed shut. Loki threw his eyes open to see there was a newcomer now stood in the room. Above him was a metal face but this one was unlike the other robots, the metal seemed more like a mask and instead of cold lights for eyes, the eyes were real, they glistened under the bright light making the brown of the man’s eyes look lighter. The eyes stared down at him rather than through him as the robots did but somehow that was worse, Loki felt he could see the gaze taking his body apart without moving an inch.  

Loki averted his eyes taking in the rest of the man, finding him to be entirely coved in metal armour and if it were not for the faint sight of skin from the eye slits of the man’s mask Loki might have mistaken him for a robot as well. The man sported a long green cape and tunic but no weapon hung from his hip, yet from the presence Loki felt from him and the way he held himself Loki suspected he _was_ the weapon. 

"At long last we meet." The man said with an accent Loki couldn’t quite place but held a faint metallic ring to it. 

"It wasn't that long." Loki replied dryly. 

Loki eyed the man and even under his slightly drugged haze he recognised the figure from Shield file pictures. There was no denying who this man was, even before he confirmed it aloud. 

"Doom wishes to collaborate." 

"Well, Doom cannot always get what he wants." Loki spat, clenching his fists despite the twinge the inserted needle caused. 

"You would refuse Doom?" He demanded, his cape twisting around him as he swept forward. 

Loki eyed the man, who had to be Victor Von Doom, with a raised brow as another odd sensation washed over him. It was as if he was floating again, the chair beneath him didn’t feel solid despite how tightly he was held down. He suspected the drug was still at work and he wished it was out of his system quicker, it would have been if he had his normal healing factor. 

Loki left out a huff and shifting under his restraints, “You are not surprised by my unwillingness,” Loki murmured wryly, “Otherwise I would not be in these chains or is this how you greet all your guests?” 

“One cannot be too careful when dealing with your calibre of being, it is but insurance until you swear your allegiance to Doom.” Victor Von Doom replied coolly, “We will achieve much together. You should be honoured that Doom has chosen you.”

"I do not work with _mortals_."

Doom seemed to glare through his unmovable mask, “Doom is not simply mortal,”

“No,” Loki agreed, a smirk forming across his face, “You lack any of their better qualities, you are something much lesser.”

“Insolence!” Doom glowered and took a threatening step forward.

Doom’s hand was reaching out in a way that filled Loki with dread. There was a look under the surface of his eye that looked as if it was about to break through and Loki was acutely aware of how trapped he was, how defenceless he was to any sort of attack.

Loki twisted his hands and attempted to force a defensive spell to the surface, anything to protect himself, but calling to his magic was like grappling for water with his bare hands, no sooner had he grasped the edge of his seidr was it gone and lost to him again. Yet with each passing moment Loki was forced to watch in horror as something sparked at the edge of Doom’s fingertips and the mortal’s eyes glowed with a burning fury purely aimed at him. All Loki could do was desperately call to the little defensive magic the All-Father had spared him behind the restrictions and for the first time tried to consciously force it out. 

He felt the edges of magic starting to spark and then build, burning inside him, but before he could try to attempt to form it into a defensive spell it stopped. In fact the half formed spell didn’t just stop, it was no longer tethered to him, it wasn’t that he had lost it but more that he had lost control over it. 

It was torn from him. 

It felt like his skin was ripped from him and his flesh laid bare to the open air. It was as if his bones had been crushed, grinded and torn straight from their sockets and then jammed right back in. His organs felt like they were smashed against his ribcage and pulverised whilst his soul was wrench out, exposed and burnt with hot iron before being crumpled and squeezed until it bled dry.  

Loki let out a long scream. He could barely hear his voice over the sound of his essence being ripped open, spilling forth like a bleeding wound before instantly rotting and becoming putrid.  

The only sight Loki could see was the tubes connected his arms filling with green magic and draining from him. Warm blood was dripping from his nose and down onto his lips as he writhed and screamed, his whole body searing and boiling from being shattered open and fed upon.  

This went against anything natural. Magic, Seidr wasn’t just something that Loki used, it was part of him. Not even the All-Father in all his wrath would do this. No one was this depraved. No one had ever dared debase him in such a manner.  

“If you won't work with Doom,” Victor Von Doom told him emotionlessly, “You will be used by Doom.” 

All Loki could do was let out a single laugh before he screamed through the pain once more.  

~ 

Loki was only semi-conscious as he felt himself being moved into the adjoining room. There was no light in here. Compared to the painful white of the other room this room was its stark opposite, it was so black that Loki knew he wouldn’t be able to see his hand even if it was held up to his face. Despite having his wrists pinned behind him Loki curled in on himself and finally let himself sink into the darkness from the exhaustion and shock. 

When Loki came to he found he was still surrounded by pitch black. Loki couldn't tell if his eyes were open or closed but in the end it made no difference at all. The dark was thick it felt almost alive, drifting and floating in an ominous silence. Shivering, Loki pressed his palms into the hard ground simply so he could feel something solid, something real, under his hand. 

With his hands still restrained behind him Loki awkwardly felt his way around the room. After feeling around Loki found he was in a small rectangular space with one wall that felt cold like some sort of metal and the others were hard wall. There was nothing else. He could feel no door, window or crack in the foundation. Loki needed to get out of here but there was no way out he could find. He didn’t even know where he was, no one knew where he was, but he knew he couldn’t stay in here. Loki couldn’t let Doom do _that_ again. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

Loki could feel his breath coming out too fast as he quickly shuffled back until he had himself pressed into one corner, with the comforting feeling of the hard wall against his back and shoulders. The feeling grounded him and it was the only way he knew anything was real because in this darkness he could be asleep or awake, anything could be next him, he could be anywhere. For all Loki knew he could be in lit room and he had just gone blind. Maybe he was still in that room with Doom. 

He didn't know how much time past in the suffocating darkness, left only to his thoughts, when he heard a beeping sound. Loki’s head shot up at the shrill beep and suddenly one of the walls was sliding up and he was half blinded by the light.  

Before Loki could recover two tall robots dragged him up and back into the bleach white room. He found himself strapped back down to the chair and the needles slid back into his wrists despite his struggle against it. 

Silently he watched Doom at the far end of the room. The mortal was completely ignoring him in favour of tinkering with the large machine that the tubes from his wrists connected up to. Every once in a while Loki would feel a bite from one of the needle as if a current had spiked through it but from the way Doom held himself Loki suspected it was not the desired affect that the mortal wanted. For all the amusement he knew he should have felt at Doom’s current failure Loki couldn’t stop the feeling of unease slowly leak into him, and he knew the feeling wouldn’t leave him until that machine was destroyed. 

After sometime Doom disappeared from the room, followed by the silent robots, leaving Loki completely alone with the quiet hum of the machine. Loki instantly started to squirm against the bindings. He pulled and yanked with all his strength until he felt his skin split and even then it only made him fight harder. Loki let out a huff of air as he stilled against the chains that held him fast. 

Loki frowned to himself as an idea came to him, if he could just burst the bindings, perhaps in the same way he had destroyed those robots all those weeks ago and reduce them into nothing but dust then maybe he would be able to escape. He hesitated for only a moment before ignoring the part of him screaming at him to stop. 

He closed his eyes and focused on the remaining magic inside of him. It almost hurt to feel how empty he was, only sensing the faint muffled song of the seidr locked under the All-Father’s chains. He missed the feeling of it singing through his veins, it wasn’t just the unreined power but the familiar warmth it brought, with it locked just out of reach and only scraps remaining it left him feeling cold. 

He pushed the thoughts away and grasped at the lingering seidr and tried to gather it until Loki felt magic leak to his fingertips. Now all Loki had to do was convince it to burst forward in defence and break his bindings in the process. 

He focused on the scraps of magic, willing it to pool in his hands, and yet to his shock his magic poured out. It flooded. It became a powerful current, dragging from his body in a powerful wave. It felt like a sword was being drawn out of his heart as he felt his magic being ripped from him. 

He watched in a detached horror as the tubes from his wrists turned green once more. The machine hummed to life but the room ceased to exist. He was screaming, he knew that, even if he couldn't hear it.  

Every drop of his magic was drawn from him and yet Loki couldn't make it stop, he couldn't make it _stop_. There was no damn to stop it, his soul was being hacked apart. He was vaguely aware of a metallic taste in his mouth but his whole focus remained on the way his whole body felt as if it was on fire, and all he could do was scream and scream. 

When he was finally put back into the dark room it was a relief. At least in the dark it didn’t hurt anymore.  

The next time Loki was taken out, he didn't use an ounce of magic. He wasn’t going to let Doom draw his magic out for whatever purpose he intended. Not even when Doom threatened him. 

Loki laughed in his face, "You know not what you play with, mortal."

Doom regarded him with a cold gaze, that seemed almost dismissive, "You may give your magic to Doom willingly or Doom will take it." 

“Imbecile.” Loki spat, "You will have to pry it from my dead body, even then your simple mind will never comprehend what you are tampering with, what forces you play with that are not meant for foolish minds of Midgardians, but it matters not, I will separate your thick skull from your shoulders soon enough." 

Everything seemed to take a downward spiral when Loki asked him if he had sustained a head injury or he had really been born so defective and witless. 

Loki not for the first in his life was reminded that he didn’t know when was the right moment to keep his mouth when he found himself chained to a post and whipped as Doom looked on with disinterest. 

At first it was bearable after all it wasn’t the first time he had experienced this though Loki had hoped it would be last. He had thought he knew what sort of pain to expect yet it seemed his memories had dulled the pain from himself. 

Loki tried to brace himself and tried to distance himself from what was happening, and to start with he did since it was merely a sharp sting to his back but it wasn’t long until it became unbearable. The action was repeated over and over and soon Loki felt his skin separate under the whip. He couldn’t stop a grunted escaping his lips at each new hit. He tried to control his breathing when each new hit cut into him just a little deeper. 

Pain bloomed through his body and all his senses stung and burned. His back was in shreds but the whip never failed to continue for the one who held it was not made of human flesh. 

His body was beginning to sag against the pole that held him up. Over the blinding pain Loki was on some level aware of how much blood was on the ground as it pooled at his feet but at the same time he was reeling from the pain he couldn’t quite process what it meant.  

Under a particularly hard strike Loki let out a cut off scream and his knees gave in but he still remained suspended painfully by his wrists. He could feel skin separating in strips from the force of the blow. The pain was making it hard to think straight, he was sure he was almost delirious from it. 

All at once Loki felt a soothing sensation and he let out a sigh when the skin on his back started knitting itself together. Loki could feel his magic washing over him and slotting everything back into place. As his mind started to become his own again he had a single moment of realisation before it all fell apart and Loki could only scream as his magic was yanked from his body. Everything went to black long before all his magic was drained or he got to see the dark room again.  

After that came the drowning and the cutting. Loki didn’t see Doom again, he supposed he didn’t need to as the mortal had found a solution to his noncompliance. Instead Loki was left in the hands of Victor Von Doom’s robots. They never spoke nor show any facial changes let alone facial expressions, in some ways Loki might as well have been in complete isolation. 

Everything fell into a twisted routine that Loki found himself powerless to break. It always started with the mechanical beeping and the metallic shudder of the door rising up to pour blinding white light into his dark cell. Then Loki was dragged out by the silent robots and chained up to whatever they had planned next. Every new method was designed to draw his magic out as every new treatment caused his magic to either lash out as a last defence or stop his body shutting down from the injuries he sustained, and that was when his magic was torn from him and harvested. 

Loki could’ve survived this better, he could have held his head a little higher and not made a sound from any of the treatments if it wasn’t for what came after. Loki could have dealt with being drown over and over, until his lungs were burning and dripping with water, if it wasn’t for the moment when his magic would rise up and be wrenched from him and he was filled with the worst pain he could imagine. 

Loki tried to resist. He tried to stop his magic from healing him and coming to his defence but in the state he was brought to he had little will left to fight it since even at his normal state he had little to no control over his remaining magic. It simply had a mind of its own. 

With each new cycle of the routine Loki became increasingly aware that Doom’s treatment was worse than anything he had experienced before. It wasn’t that Doom would slice him open, beat him and burn him, after all he had experienced and survived that before, no what made this was his thievery of his magic. His magic was a part of him and every time it was drained and taken, Loki felt himself unravel that little bit more.  

At first the only relief he found was being thrown back into the darkness of his cell as it was soothing compared to the harsh light of the adjoining room and in there nothing could hurt him. Loki should have realised how foolish these thoughts were, he had been in the void, he knew that sometimes being left in such an empty place did things to people. Loki had always known the most dangerous thing to him was himself but at some point he had forgotten that. 

It wasn’t long until Loki fought against the robots as they tried to put him back in the dark room. He found he would rather face their treatment than what faced him in the dark but once again he was too weak and injured to stop them from throwing him back inside. 

So Loki lay there on the ground unable to tell if his eyes were open or closed because in this room it made little difference. He just stayed there, floating in the dark, until he summoned enough strength to pull himself across the rough ground. With pained panting Loki dragged his wounded body across the room in a slow agonising process that eventually led him to being wedged in the corner of the room. In this spot he could feel both walls on each side of him so that he had a firm surface to remind him of where he was. 

Loki didn't know how long he was going to be left in here this time. Sometimes it was only hours but other times it could be days, yet since there was no way to track the time he could never be sure. In here there was nothing. His only comfort was having the wall to fight against his mind filling in the empty space.  

_“Loki.”_  

Loki flinched and pressed himself so hard against the wall he could feel the burn from the cuts still there.  He focused on the pain and tried to remind himself that he was here, here in his cell, and he was alone.

_“_ _Loki._

_**LOKI.** ”_ 

He caught a flicker of red out of the corner of his eye but he curled tighter to the wall with a shiver. 

There was no one there. There was no one there. 

_"I am never coming for you.”_

Loki squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, trying not to listen. 

_“Why would I waste my time looking for you? It is so much easier without you. I don’t have to pretend to care about an argr._  

Loki choked on his breath as he found Thor was inches from his face. Yet it was all wrong. Thor’s eyes glowed an unnatural blue, that seemed glassy, but all Loki could see was the half of his face that was caved in. He could see the broken bone, the hanging flesh, and the fresh blood dripping down his cheek that instantly congealed and rotted.  

Loki slammed his eyes shut so he did not have to stare at the _thing_ that was not Thor. Loki let out a gasp as he swore felt strong clammy hands gripping at his shoulders so tight he could feel sharp nails digging into his skin. 

_“You are not my brother, you never were. Everything you are is a lie, you are not even Aesir, are you?”_

He could hear the fall of light footsteps across the stone floor and the echo of a child’s giggle off the darkened walls. 

A singsong voice sang, _“When I am king, I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all! I will protect you from them little brother. When I am finished, there won’t be a giant in a-aaaaalll the Nine Realms!”_  

He could feel Thor’s hot breath against his ear as his grip tightened. Loki tried to claw Thor’s hands off him but his fingernails only tore into rotting sticky flesh.  

_“Jotun.”_ Thor accused, _“Monster.”_

"You're not real." Loki whispered. 

The room was filled with loud booming laughter loud that clashed against the walls until it slowly broke down and became drier and cracked and the laughter sounded more like metal scrapping against metal. It was inhuman and alien. 

Loki’s breath was faster now and he was struggling to breathe. 

_"Do not worry,”_  Came a murmur, “ _I am coming for you, little Godling."_  

Loki opened his eyes and scanned the room but found only darkness.  

_"Did you think you would ever really stop falling?"_ Came a cackle, _"You are still in the void, you are falling between the realms forever.”_  

**"No."**  

Laughter started again and this time it was thick and grating. 

_"How would you know, little one?_

_Can you not feel your body falling?_

_There is no air here. You can’t breathe._

_There is nothing, except me and you. I will make you beg for my touch. You will plead for something as sweet as the pain I can give you.”_  

Loki could feel his body shaking, his breathing rough and broken. He couldn't tell if he was sat up or he was lying down, he couldn’t even tell if there was ground beneath him, perhaps he was falling and had never left the void. He was falling forever. 

Loki started clawing at himself until he felt the wetness of blood against his skin and only then did he bury his face in his hands, trying to block out the voices that he knew he never would be able to. They would never stop.  

It was almost a relief when Loki heard the loud beeping and the creak of metal rising because it let light burn the darkness away and took the voices with it.  

Yet what followed was just as bad. His arms were chained down so he couldn’t move and the familiar hood was placed over his head. He could hear the faint whirl of the robots and the slushing of water behind him. It only took moments for the water to be slowly poured over the hood on his face. 

Loki held his breath, trying to hold off the inevitable. The hood clung to his face as more cold water ran over it until his lungs were burning and he could no longer resist the urge to gasp for air, except there wasn’t any air and all Loki could do was choke on nothing as he desperately tried to get oxygen. He could feel his body twisting and his head jerking in attempt to throw the hood off but he was trapped as he suffocated. 

Water started pouring down his throat and it felt like his lungs and sinuses were filling up. Breathing was impossible. Loki twisted and wrenched but he was held in place, choking on land with no chance of relief. 

Every time Loki reached the point of unconsciousness the hood was pulled back and he weakly coughed and sucked in the cool air. Loki could only glare into the blue eyes of the robots who had robbed him of the peace of unconsciousness, only to put the hood back on and drown him all over again. 

Over and over Loki reached the point where it felt like his lungs were bleeding and the panic of not being able to breath burned through every cell in him until he was thrashing under his bindings but every time he fought for control over himself and held back the magic trying to lash out to protect him. 

It became harder when they added a burning metal to the treatment so that every time his body convulsed and fought for oxygen the movement would bring his skin in contact with the scorching metal. The intense pain would cause him to howl and he would choke on water. Even then they didn’t stop until he fell into unconsciousness and receive more burns. 

Eventually it all became too much, the burning and suffocation took its toll, and Loki slipped up when he lost focus. He no longer was able to hold back his magic from trying to break him from his bindings and everything became fire. 

It was like his veins and arteries had been ripped from his body when every drop of magic was taken from him. He was thankful he fell into nothingness longer before the last drop was gone because he couldn’t bear to face the pain of having himself torn in half. 

He awoke in the dark once more with his throat raw and his limbs still shaking from fatigue and rough treatment. Taking his time Loki dragged himself up and pulled himself back into his corner. Once he got himself as comfortable as he could managed he pressed his head deep into his knees. 

He couldn't do this anymore. He didn’t want to do this anymore. Over and over again he was taken apart piece by piece, first his blood spilt and then his magic was stolen and violated. Loki was always ached all over because he never quite healed and was never fed quite enough. Loki lived in extremes, there was either blinding white light or pitch-black darkness, each brought a different kind of torment. 

His only company were Doom’s robots but they never spoke nor reacted to anything he did. Loki couldn't remember the last time he had spoken to another being or what he had said. He didn’t even care who it was he just wanted to talk to _someone_. To just hear the sound of someone’s voice that was something he never thought he would be craving but he did. Loki had not seen another soul in so long, his whole world had become restricted to two rooms and mute robots and Loki couldn’t take it anymore. 

Loki took in a shaky breath and pulled his knife from its hiding place. He ran his fingertips along the hilt, feeling the outline of the running wolves that he knew were carved along it. Then he traced the runes along the edge that had allowed it to remain hidden whilst on his body. He often caught himself wishing that this would be enough to free himself for his captures but one blade against robots and reinforced doors in his state would never be enough, he could take a couple of them but never all of them. 

In the end there was only one use for the blade that he knew of. Loki pressed the blade to his palm until he felt its razor sharp bite and the warmth of his blood as it dripped down his arm. Loki swallowed and slowly raised it to his neck, closing his eyes when he felt the cold blade against the soft skin of his throat. He could almost feel the final slice from the singing blade and the peace it would bring him. All it would take was one quick slice to slit his throat. It wouldn't be instantaneous but it would make all of this end.  

Loki held his breath and took a moment too steady his hand, ready to draw the blade back in a quick arc. He braced himself and willed his hand to move. He could almost taste it. He would finally no peace and no one would know. He would fall into nothing, he didn’t care for Valhalla or Helheim. He didn’t – he let the blade drop to his lap with a long shaky sigh that sounded too much like a sob to his ears.  

_Coward._  

He couldn't do it. There was so part of him that clung to.. Loki didn’t even know what to call it, he wasn’t childish enough to cling to sentiments like hope, so maybe it was stubbornness or the promise of vengeance. 

He cursed his weakness. Loki could save himself so much pain if he just killed himself. Loki wouldn’t have to be brought lower than he already was if he did it but even now he couldn’t do it. Not here. Not even when it was better for everyone that he did. He was such a coward.  

Staring out into the black, Loki ran his fingers up and down the handle, feeling each groove and etching.  

Sean, Thor, Frigga... everyone would be better off without him. They all seemed so far away, Loki could almost believe he would never see another living person again. He could make it true if he could just raise the blade but there was something stopping him. He didn’t want to die here. No one would ever know what had happened to him, Sean would never have closure, and he would have just given up. He couldn’t give up.  

Loki’s finger ran against the hard surface of the jewel imbedded into the wolf’s eye and suddenly froze, gripping the handle of the blade tight. Rubbing his finger back against the crystal of the eye he found himself letting out a groan. He wasn't just a coward, he was a complete idiot. Loki couldn’t understand how he had forgotten but he had. He had forgotten that when his mother had made this blade she had made it with him in mind, hence the insertion of storage crystals. They were supposed to be used for pre-storing magic to give the knife that extra kick and make it more deadly but Loki was already forming a completely different plan all together.  

He sliced a rune into the inside of his hand and brought his bloodied palm against the rune next to the eye. He let a faint gasp when he felt a small pull and watched as the wolf’s eye glowed a dull green colour as the remainder of his magic was sapped by the crystal. The glow faded and his magic settled inside and fell dormant.  

Over the next couple of weeks or perhaps months, as Loki could not tell night from day, Loki started storing his magic within the crystals in small spurts. It was only every small amounts because Loki found out the hard way that if he expended all his energy before he was dragged into the light the robots would not stop their torture until they had drained him. There was no way for Loki to give them his magic when it wasn’t there so their treatment continued until he was able to supply some, his voice long since torn and broken. 

So Loki only stored little amounts each day. He never knew if anyone noticed the drop in the amount of magic they took in the sessions but it wasn’t as if the robots ever spoke. 

Sometimes he wasted some of his store to take edge off the pain but even with these small indulgencies his supply was building too slowly. The amount of magic he was going to need to get out of this place was too much for him to even think about. It was going to take too long with the little amounts he was able to spare before each session in the light. 

Loki was completely drained and exhausted all of the time. The constant physical torture in the light and voices in the dark gave him little time for rest. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had attempt he speak, be it a sarcastic comment or insult, he just wanted to avoid the pain. He knew deep down, that the amount of magic he would need was unattainable, the amount of time he would need was not something he had, he wouldn’t last that long in this place. If it was himself or under the cold hands of metal he wasn’t even sure he cared what killed him first. 

There was no escape from these rooms. There wasn’t even a chance that Victor Von Doom would allow him join him now. 

Loki could hear soft cackling from the corner of the dark room that sounded more like grating metal. Harsh scrapping of claws against the walls brought Loki’s eyes to meet the glowing eyes in the darkness. Loki pressed his body hard against the wall and squeezed his eyes closed to avoid the creature, the apparition. 

Loki was going to die in this cell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I'm feeling on my characterisation of Doom but I suppose it's still early yet. I'm kinda excited and nervous to share the next chapter with you. Thank you so much for all of your feedback so far, I look forward to hearing what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

For Loki what he called day started with bright lights and ended in the dark. It was a routine Loki knew so well that it blurred together. Only the intervals between days changed, nothing else about his day was different, except for the one day that it was. 

The day began as it always did with the rising of the door. However there was no beeping to signal the doors opening instead the door shot up unnaturally fast. There was no blinding white light. Instead an odd red light was pouring into his cell, the normal lights above remaining unlit. 

Loki pressed his back hard against the wall, his hands trembling, whilst he waited poised for them to drag him out. Yet as moments stretched out into what felt like an eternity nothing happened, no one came and no light burned onto his face. 

Loki raised his gaze but he found he couldn’t process this new situation. Loki swallowed and rose into a crouched position. He knew this was probably part of some test or a new method they had come up with but he couldn’t help a feeling washing through him, he refused to call it hope so instead he insisted to himself that it was curiosity. 

Loki edged towards the entrance of his cell and peered into the adjoining room to see the lights above were black and a new one was pulsing, a red one Loki had never seen before. 

Loki slowly moved through the empty room, stopping briefly to stare at the black computer screen next to the device. His eyes flickered to the machine that was normally lit up but now wasn’t. He moved to the light switch and switched it back and forth but the lights above didn’t react. 

Loki’s attention was dragged away when he spotted something odder, the keypad next to the metal door leading out of the room wasn’t illuminated. Loki frowned and tried the door handle and to his shock the door swung open with no input from the keypad. 

There was something not right about this situation. Loki couldn’t decide if this was to his advantage or it would all end badly. However Loki couldn’t waste this chance, even if this was a test or a trap, Loki couldn’t throw away his one chance at freedom.  

Loki ignored the flipping of his stomach when he stepped out into the dark corridor and instead moved quickly down it. The red light casted shadows that made the corridors eerie but Loki found his eyes were so used to the dark at this point that his sight easily adjusted. If nothing else, Loki was more caught up with the fact that he wasn’t in his cell anymore. 

Loki kept moving as fast as he could through the maze of corridors and couldn’t quite admit that he was partially limping from the unhealed wounds he had sustained. His back was still a mass of lashes that pulled and tugged with each step but he pushed on, trying to find an exit in the identical corridors stretched before him. 

That was until Loki came across Victor Von Doom’s robots. Loki could only stare in front of him at the mass of scorched metal limbs and decapitated heads with blue eyes that no longer glowed. There was something chilling about standing over dismembered robotic body parts all over the ground. Loki shivered and decided following the trail of metal bodies was not a good idea, Loki did not have enough allies in all the Nine Realms to risk finding out who or what had destroyed them all. 

Loki turned away, choosing a different corridor to go down and regretted his choice instantly when he was grabbed. He reacted quickly by slashing at the darkened figure with his knife. There was a grating sound as his knife scrapped across metal instead of skin. Loki twisted and knocked back what he realised was one of Doom’s robots with one hard kick. He winced in pain as the motion tugged at his wounds but didn’t stop his assault. With only his blade Loki hacked at the robot, dodging its violent attacks, until it fell under his blade as nothing but a broken heap of metal.  

Loki spotted blue glowing eyes at the end of the corridor and took off running. As Loki turned a corner with the robot still in pursuit he grasped hold of a cabinet and overturned it. The cabinet fell onto of the robot just before he twisted around and slammed his knife straight through the robot’s head with a loud yell. Sparks fizzed from its form before the light in its eyes faded to black.  

Loki leaped up, launching himself onto the back of another robot. It twisted and shot blasts at him but Loki clung to its shoulder and began stabbing into it. He sliced through its back and hacked at its arm until it fell. 

Loki dropped back to the ground, catching his breath, with his knife still clutched tightly in his hand. He could hear more clanging of metal and energy blasts too close for his comfort. Loki wanted to stop and rest, his body was fatigued and aching but he knew he couldn’t stop until he had gotten out of here. 

There was a scream.  

Loki froze to the spot. That was not the sound of a human voice nor had he ever heard a robot make such a sound. That was a scream of a horse. 

Loki could hear the distinct pounding of hooves over the sound of crashes and energy blasts. As the sounds grew louder Loki ducked into an alcove, pressing himself hard against the wall. 

Loki was barely hidden when he caught the glint of metal in the red light as the robots swarming past to clash with another force. In the red darkness Loki’s eyes were solely focused on the silhouette of the horse. He watched in detached horror as the horse reared, lashing out at the mass of robots with powerful kicks. Within moments there was a blaze of red light that shook the corridor and sent robots blasting back into fragmented pieces.  

Loki edged from his hiding spot, trying to find a way to duck down the other corridor, expect Loki found the horse wasn't there anymore. In its place stood a tall armoured man in the centre of the robots. The man was a frenzy of movements, barely still for a moment with his hands clasping a long metal staff that he equally twisted and slammed into robots and used to knock them back with red energy blasts that he shot from the top. It was almost hypnotising to watch the man slashing his way through the robots in such fluid but powerful movements that resembled a dangerous dance more than an attack. 

Loki felt his body go cold. His whole body became hostage to the horror that filled him and Loki could only stare as he caught sight of the man properly for the first time. Everything clicked in place when Loki made out the familiar face. Despite his braided hair looking red in the light Loki knew it was brown. His eyes traced the tattoos along his bare arms that glowed with every new energy blast he sent. Loki found himself regretting leaving his cell and all that he had become familiar with. 

As the last robot fell under the man's blade, Loki found himself finally able to back away. His heart jumped as the man raised his head and his eyes met his own. They looked red and demonic under the red light, instead of their normal blue.  

"Loki?" Came a hesitant voice from the man.  

“No.” Escaped from Loki’s lips. 

A shiver crawled down his body. Loki struggled to hold his composer against every part of his body willing him to run. 

“You cannot be him,” Loki’s voice came out as a whisper as all the breath in his body left him. 

Loki stood staring at the silent man who stood meters away from him but was still far too close. The man held his staff firmly in his grip but his body was no longer poised, he had become more still than Loki had ever seen him, it was almost eerie. His expression was unreadable but his eyes met his unwavering. 

Despite all the centuries that had passed there was no denying the resemblances to the man he had known. His face was forever burnt into Loki’s memory, an image he would never escape. 

"Svadilfari." Loki managed to choke out. He swallowed and more steadily said, “He died a long time ago, you cannot be him.” 

“I didn’t die,” The figure said softly. 

The spell was broken as the man moved from his stillness to step forward into the light. Bathed in red light Loki couldn’t deny it to himself that the man was not a ghost but Svadilfari. Svadilfari was living and breathing in front of him. 

Svadilfari tilted his head to the side as a frown slowly formed on his face. With his staff fully lowered Svadilfari reached out to him but Loki flinched back from his grasp. Nausea was already rising inside him, his legs beginning to shake as Svadilfari slunk forward.  

Loki drew his knife threateningly in front of him, trying to hold his ground despite his ragged breath and shaking hand. Loki could almost feel Svadilfari's fingers on him, the way they trailed across his skin and poisoned him, stripping him of everything. 

"Loki…" Svadilfari murmured soothingly.  

A snarl spilled from his lips and he let loose the magic trapped in the blade. Loki caught the surprise in his eyes before a green wave sent Svadilfari flying back through one wall after another. There a sickening final crack and the green light of his magic faded to leave dust hanging in the air. 

Loki bolted. His feet pounding against the ground as he flew down a corridor he had chosen at random. No matter how fast he pushed his body it still didn’t feel fast enough, it would never be fast enough. 

Tremors wrecked through his body. His breathing was completely out of control. Loki wasn't even sure where he was running, only that it was a way from Svadilfari. 

Svadilfari was dead. Svadilfari was supposed to be dead.  

The one who had stolen more from him than maybe Odin. Svadilfari had been executed for he had done to him, the All-Father had made sure of that, and yet there he was. He would never forget that face, eyes burning with lust as he took- 

Loki fell down on his knees and vomited. He had lost all control of his breathing, he couldn’t stop his body from was quivering and shaking. His heart was hurting from how fast it was pounding, he was sure it wasn’t working properly, he must be dying. 

Loki dragged himself to his feet and forced himself to run, despite his trembling legs.  

 _You can never run fast enough._  

Loki stumbled on, gasping and gulping for air with each fleeting moment. The corridors became a blur of black and red. The red light made the walls look like they were dripping with blood.  

Hands were in his hair yanking him back. Loki collided with the wall so violently all the air was nearly knocked out of him. He slashed out with his knife into bare flesh, trying to get a good hit, but strong hands closed around his arms and crushed his wrists until the knife fell from his grip and clattered to the ground. Snarling, Loki clawed, twisted and kicked, trying to dislodge the body but its impossible weight pinned him firmly in place.  

"Stop, fighting." A sharp voice ordered.  

And Loki found himself flinching and his body stilling. His breath coming in and out so fast that his body felt like it was vibrating. Hard hands held his shoulders in place whilst Svadilfari towered over him. His sharp blue eyes felt like they were taking him apart with just a look. 

Loki could feel his body beginning to float as his mind became a frenzy, a muddle of thoughts that he couldn’t process. Loki shut his eyes, his breathing only just beginning to slow, but everything felt distant and blurred. He shuddered under a hand caressing his cheek and when Loki opened his eyes, he felt like he was no longer there. It was as if he was drifting out to sea, drowning among the waves, the terror was there but he had lost connection with his body.  

"You were never supposed to see me," Svadilfari sighed almost to himself, “Not yet, this wasn’t part of…” 

Loki pressed himself against the wall, trying to get himself as far away as was physically possible. He was vaguely aware his body was still trembling but he felt oddly weightless.  

"I'm not going to hurt you, Loki." Svadilfari assured him, his fingers ran through his hair making Loki grimace from his touch, "I... I'm not who you think I am.” Svadilfari swallowed, “Everything was so perfect, I just wanted to live in this lie for a little longer.”

"If you hadn't seen me," Svadilfari murmured, "I would have rescued you without you knowing it was me and everything could have gone back to how it was," Svadilfari gripped his tightly, something leaking into his voice, "But seeing you after all this time I don’t want to lie anymore, I am sick of lying."

"But these lies it was the only way to show you how you really felt." Svadilfari smiled at him, “You cannot deny it, I know how you feel now.”

Loki tried to push Svadilfari away but this only made Svadilfari press closer into him. Loki struggled under his grip, hating the feeling of his hands on him. 

Nothing made sense. All Loki felt was a distant horror at Svadilfari’s words that he didn’t fully understand. 

Svadilfari reached out to touch him and Loki bit down on the hand. Svadilfari grunted and struck him hard enough that his head hit the wall. Loki thrashed, trying to get free but he couldn’t fight against Svadilfari’s hands. When Svadilfari moved in range Loki tried to bite him again but it only earnt him getting slammed hard against the wall. 

"Stop it!" Svadilfari snapped, “Don’t you see? I love you, Loki, and you love me. I know you do.” 

Loki flinched and shook his head. Svadilfari didn't know what love was. He would never know what it was. 

"See?" Svadilfari said. 

Loki stared as red light poured over Svadilfari’s form, moulding and changing him. His hair became shorter, his height too but his build filled out. His eyes darkened into the blue Loki knew. The face became softer, younger and more familiar, it was a face he knew almost as well as his own. 

"Sean?" Loki said hesitantly, his breath hitching, “No…” 

The form of Sean faded seamlessly back into Svadilfari. To his horror there wasn’t as much difference between than he would have liked. His features were sharper, he was taller, thinner and his eyes a different shade, his hair longer but Loki could see the lingering ghost of Sean in his features. 

Svadilfari nodded, "I knew you wouldn’t give me a chance if you knew who I was but as Sean you gave me a chance,” He gave a half bitter smile for a moment, “I refuse to hide anymore. This wasn’t just an illusion, me and Sean are one and the same. You love me, I have you at last."  

Svadilfari cupped his face and kissed him. Loki twisted away but Svadilfari tugged his face back to him. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Svadilfari whispered, “I won’t let them hurt you anymore, it’s just me and you now.” 

Loki shivered against Svadilfari’s hands, unused to the feeling of warm skin rather than metal. Svadilfari went to kiss him again and this time Loki didn’t stop him, not that he could have. 

He felt cold inside, empty. Everything was too confusing. Sean couldn’t be Svadilfari. He _couldn’t_ be. 

“I’ve missed you so much,” Svadilfari purred, fingers trailing under his shirt. 

Loki recoiled from the touch but he couldn’t stop Svadilfari’s hands. He was all over him, he could feel him taking him apart already with just his touch. 

Loki went in on himself and everything faded into background noise. There was an outside world somewhere but it was far away. His mind was floating and separate, his body was no longer his own. 

Loki couldn’t accept any of this, he couldn't, otherwise it meant he was in love with... No. It couldn't be true. This had to be a lie, a manipulation, a game he hadn’t worked out yet but maybe it wasn’t. Loki knew he deserved this. Love wasn’t for him, it wasn’t something he was given or something he could earn. This was all he would get. 

Svadilfari had come for him when no one else had. Everyone had left him in that cell but Svadilfari hadn’t. Sean would have done that for him, and he had, it was just the was no Sean, there had never been a Sean. The man he had come to love was no man or even a mortal, he was a shadow of his past brought back to life. He had saved him. The one who had once brought him so much pain had come for him when no one else would. 

Loki was vaguely aware that his clothes were pooling around him. He could feel the open air against his skin as each layer came away. His back fell against the hard wall and he could feel Svadilfari’s lips against his skin but he didn’t know what it meant. 

He didn’t want to go back to that cell. Loki couldn’t take the white room anymore, he didn’t want to go back to the pain. He couldn’t go back to the darkness, where the voices hid and no one came, no one talked. 

Svadilfari was here, he wasn’t alone anymore. He wasn’t going to hur- He was. He was. He was going to do it again. Sean wouldn’t do this because he loved him but all Svadilfari had done to him was hurt him and steal from him. 

There was a wetness on his cheek but it was too dark for anyone to see anything fall. Panic filled him as Loki was overwhelmed by the sensation of being unable to move. Loki couldn’t get his body to fight even when he felt a hard pressure followed by a sharp pain as Svadilfari entering him. 

Loki stared up past Svadilfari at the blinking red light on the wall. The distinction between real and illusion was distorted. Loki’s body was not his own. 

There was no way Sean could be Svadilfari, Svadilfari was dead. He had died a long time ago for what he done. 

Loki’s body was in agony from each thrust. Pain was blooming all over him from the laceration on his back rubbing against the wall, to Svadilfari thrusting into him, to the hard bites into his neck that drew blood, to the sometimes affectionate and sometimes heated words breathed into his ear. 

Loki was floating, wrapped tight in a suffocation feeling of being so detached and yet wanting to thrash and lash out, wanting to fight and run but he couldn’t because his body was frozen in place from all the rushing feelings and thoughts. Loki could not hear over his pounding heart or taste anything beyond the burning nausea. His body was pliable and changeable. Loki had escaped a cell into another, once again he had no control over his body or choice in what happened to him. 

Svadilfari finally pulled out and left him with a horrible stickiness, a sensation Loki pushed to the back of his mind to instead focus on pulling his clothes back on. His fingers wouldn’t move correctly and Loki fumbled so much he felt hands on him, helping him pull everything back on. 

The room was spinning around and around, he could see Svadilfari in front of him, but Loki could not find his voice, he could not find words or feet beneath him to run. Loki only found himself being pulled into another kiss. 

"I love you," Svadilfari whispered. 

 _Sean._   

Loki felt himself being lead forward but where he did not know. Everything was either red or black and the only sensation he felt was warm hands tight around his arm. Loki followed because he couldn’t see any other option. 

Sean loved him. Sean loved him. Svadilfari loved him.  

 _Dead. Svadilfari is dead._  

Loki could feel bile rising up his throat. He must have made some sound because there was suddenly a hand brushing through his hair and a soft comforting sound that did little to stop anything from spinning. 

In the distant Loki heard footsteps. Svadilfari let out an inhuman sound somewhere between a snarl and a growl that caused Loki to recoil. 

"You would dare interfere with Doom’s plans?” Came a familiar voice, it sounded calm but Loki knew what that tone promised, “Do you understand what you have done?" 

Loki’s breath stuttered and he twisted around but he couldn’t make out anything in the dark. He felt a strong grip on his shoulder as his knife was slid into his pocket once again. 

"I’ll come back for you," Svadilfari murmured, his voice holding a dangerous edge, “I promise.” 

Then Loki felt the floor move from beneath him, Svadilfari faded away, and the red darkness was replaced with burning white light. 

 _No. NO._  

Loki stumbled back into something hard. His heart rate rocked so fast that he was sure it would burst. Yet all Loki could focus was the white walls. Blinding lights were beating down on him. Everything was white. 

They were going to hurt him. They were going to tear into his skin. They would make him scream. There was no escape, no relief, in the white room. 

A loud beeping noise caused Loki to scramble away, throwing his arms up in front of him. 

 _Pain. Pain._  

The doors would open, they would come for him, and they would tear his magic out of his skin. They would show him his blood and if Loki wasn’t screaming then they weren’t trying hard enough. 

His hands fell onto something cold to support himself, his fingers skittered across it and through blurry vision he made out marble and then next to that a draining board. Loki was shaking so much but he couldn’t stop it. He only just made out a sink before he bent over and vomited.  

Loki fell away, twisting and turning around the room but all he could see was the white screaming at him. White walls, white floor, everything was white. Loki pounded his fists into the wall with a loud yell but the white did not leave. Spotting some switches he desperately hit at them until the light dimmed. The white faded to grey. It helped ease the panic but Loki couldn’t get anything to stop spinning. He couldn’t escape the white. 

Loki pressed himself into the corner of the strange room, trying to concentrate on the solid feeling against his back. Loki felt dampness on his cheek and realised he was crying. Loki’s hands were shaking violently. His mind was reeling. Loki could distantly hear odd broken sobbing noises that seemed to be coming from him but despite his attempts he couldn’t make himself stop. 

Loki clawed into his wrists to pull out the tubes. He had to get them out of him, he wouldn’t let them take his magic from him. Digging his nails in as deep as he could he still didn’t have enough leverage to tear the tubes out so Loki cut into it with his knife until he felt the tubes sever and he was able to pry it out of him. With them gone Loki couldn’t escape the feeling of something wet under his nails or the warmth of something dripping down his arm to his elbow. At least it was red and not white. 

It still didn’t feel like it was enough. They would still take everything from him except Svadilfari...  he had said… he couldn’t remember. 

Loki thought of the tall armoured figure stood over metal corpses. His blue eyes with fire burning behind them staring down at him, blue eyes just like Sean’s. 

Loki felt twist of horror rip through his stomach. Sean was Svadilfari. He had been sleeping with Svadilfari, living with him. 

 _"Loki..?"_

Loki yanked at his hair, tears pouring down his face. Loki could hear himself making a strange choked sound but he couldn't stop himself or muffle it. He could barely breath.  

It was just the dark again, trying to mimic Svadilfari. The dark liked to play with him, it liked to drag up corpses of his past and masquerade them in front of him under the guise of reality. Svadilfari was dead, Loki knew that, he had been executed in front of his own eyes. This was all part of Victor Von Doom’s game, a new layer to his torture. 

None of this is real. Svadilfari was only in his head and Loki was still in his cell.

_"Can you hear me, Lokes?"_

Loki whimpered. He hit his head against the wall. The pain from it bloomed through his skull, it felt intoxicating, it was something he could control so he did it again, striking his head over and over again. 

Yet it didn’t stop the images of flashing red lights or the hungry blue eyes staring into him. It didn’t stop the feeling of hands roaming across his skin. It didn’t stop the fact he couldn’t get them to stop. 

Loki could feel the lingering touch of fingers across his cheek, hard kisses pressed to his lips. Gasping, Loki clawed at his face to tear away the intruding hands but all he felt was the burning pain. 

Loki wanted to get away from the blue eyes that cut into him. They were too real. Loki didn’t _want_ it to be real but he couldn’t deny how real they had seemed or the way Svadilfari looked older, different in a way his mind couldn’t have made up. Somehow Svadilfari was still alive and he had been there, he was real. 

 _"Fuck, Fuck! Get someone quick!"_

_"Who?!"_  

 _"A medic? Thor? **Anyone!** "_

Loki was pathetic. It didn’t matter that Sean was Svadilfari because Loki loved Sean and they were one and the same. Loki could still feel Svadilfari against him, the weight pinning him in place. He could hear those three words on Svadilfari lips that meant Loki was wanted.  

Loki knew he couldn't live without Sean- Svadilfari – it didn’t matter which, no one else would ever want him. Loki wasn't worthy of anyone but he could try. 

Svadilfari had protected him. He had torn through Victor Von Doom’s base just to save him, that had to mean something. 

Loki opened his eyes but all he could see was the white in the dim light. He didn't understand where he was or whether he was sitting or lying down. Loki wasn’t sure if he had really got away from Doom. Reality was blurred. 

 _"Brother? Can you hear me?"_  

Loki had watched Svadilfari die for what he had done and yet he wasn’t dead. 

Svadilfari had been so much faster than he had supposed to be and Loki hadn’t run fast enough through Asgard’s woods, he would never run fast enough. Svadilfari was Sean. The run was over.

 _h_ _laupa, hlaupa._

Loki tried to slam his head into the wall but he was stopped by a firm hand. Loki flinched back. Loki couldn't go back to Doom’s robots only for them to take him apart like The Other had done before them. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

 _"Brother, I need you to breathe."_  

They were going to hurt him. Everyone hurt him.

_“Oh fuck, is that blood..?”_

Loki could hear the screaming of a horse in his head so loud it must be behind him. There was the feeling of tree branches scratching open his skin as his feet moving across hard ground, stumbling, his calves burning. 

Hands were on him and Loki was being pinned down. Svadilfari was looming over him and there was a look in his eyes that Loki didn’t understand but knew was wrong, so very wrong. He was trying to scream, trying to fight, but he couldn’t. He didn’t understand what was happening. He didn’t know why Svadilfari was touching him like that. 

Loki was vaguely aware he was making a sound, something inhuman, something worse than a scream or a cry. Yet he couldn’t escape what he was seeing. He was trapped at the moment when Svadilfari had-  when Svadilfari had caught up to him.

Despite the years of horror and guilt Loki hadn't managed to recognise Svadilfari in his lover and now what Svadilfari had once been taken Loki had given him freely. 

Loki started laughing over the sound of horse’s hooves clashing against the ground before Svadilfari caught him and took him. Then Loki was lost, he was falling and trapped. 

Loki was choking on his laughter whilst squeezing his eyes shut against the bright light and the tears that refused to stop falling. He would never forget the agonising pain and the feeling of being restrained and trapped whilst he couldn’t understand what was happening to him, to his body and not understanding why. 

Loki never knew how much the act, the crime, would warp him and tear away a part of himself. The moment Loki had realised there was no escape was burnt into his head nearly as much as clearly as when he realised what Svadilfari was planning to do to him. 

There had been so much pain, humiliation and shame that he had never escaped even when Svadilfari had been caught and executed. It had made no difference, Loki had been tainted. He had been raped. 

 _No. No. No._

_Lies. It didn’t happen. He wasn’t raped. None of it had happened._  

A strange noise escaped from between Loki’s lips and he smashed his head forward again, colliding hard against the surface. The suddenly explosion of pain turned his world into a nauseating spinning blur, all the while he was screaming without opening his mouth. 

He felt hands on his shoulders and he flinched back but still the hands remained. Loki’s whole body ceased up, becoming so still he would have been sure he was dead if it wasn’t for the rush of emotions threatening to overwhelm his body. 

 _“Loki?”_

The voice sounded so close and clear as if it was right in front of him.

“Loki, please… you're scaring me.” 

Loki slowly opened his eyes. His whole body stilled and a strange calmness possessed him as he took in the sight of Thor knelt in front of him. His eyes flickered around but he could only see Thor, there was no Svadilfari. It had all been in his head, it had to be.  

Partially uncurling, Loki stared at Thor with his hands clenched to stop them reaching out. Loki remained still, his breath so slow Loki wasn’t even sure he was breathing. It was agonising waiting for Thor to warp before fading away again. Yet all Loki found himself able to do was watch for Thor’s skin to melt off his face to reveal the rotting bone beneath or for blood to drip from Thor’s eyes and mouth whilst he spat out his faults and failings. 

Strangely Thor’s face remained unchanged, it did not unravel or morph into something else. It remained a startling accurate image of Thor, not a single part altered or deformed. Loki wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch Thor but he couldn’t bear the moment his hand went through nothing and he lost even this, the way he lost everything. 

Loki wanted this all over. Loki couldn’t understand why he was still here yet the answer laid in his weakness. His blade was rested against his thigh and he wanted so bad to use it on himself. He couldn’t do this anymore. 

“Loki, can you hear me?” 

Loki swallowed, his eyes rising again to look at Thor. He even sounded real. Loki wanted him to be real but he couldn’t be, Thor would never come for him because Loki wasn’t worth it. 

"I waited," Loki said, his voice sounding hoarse, "But you never came." 

"Loki-" 

"I know you never will, Brother. I learnt that a long time ago." 

Loki rested his head back onto his cell wall, waiting for Thor to fade away and yet this Thor lingered and did not fade. It would given enough time. 

Loki’s senses drifted towards the odd pain, the warm sticky feeling on his brow that came away red when he touched it, the way his back was on fire and his arms didn’t feel right, until eventually his mind settled back to the comforting feeling of the blade resting against his leg. Loki wished he could bring himself to use it or that he could get someone else to. Loki wished the robots went too far. 

"I didn't fall, you know." Loki murmured, unsure if he was talking to himself or Thor but in the end it didn’t matter. 

"I was a coward. I was hanging over the void and I could see you, I could see Father and.. I wanted.. I didn't lose grip of-" 

"Loki," Thor said in a voice that sounded oddly strained, "You're bleeding, let me-" 

Loki hushed him, grasping at his shirt that felt oddly soft under his hand. A small smile fell over his face, out of all the visions this one felt the most real. He wanted to hold on to it and make it last forever so that when it fell apart and the laughter started he would still have this. 

Loki should have held his tongue but instead he told the vision in a quiet voice, "I let go." 

The vision of Thor stared back at him. Loki expected his face to distort but the only thing that broke was something behind Thor’s eyes. 

"I wanted to die." Loki buried his face in his hands, aware of how broken his voice sounded, "I _should_ have died. But I didn't, I fell between realms, death should have been mine but the Norns would not even grant me that.” 

Loki let out a soft laugh, "The silence of the void, the emptiness, the hollowness, it was so much better than... than when the void _stared_ back." 

Loki felt a comforting hand in his hair and it felt so real that it brought the tears back. He desperately wanted his Brother to be there but he wasn’t, he never would be. 

"What Doom is doing… it is but a second to the pain that _He_ gave." 

 _So why am I not strong enough?_  

Loki pulled out his knife, flipping it in his hands to catch the glint that was obscured by blood for some reason. He lifted his gaze enough to catch a glimpse of Thor’s face before holding the blade out. 

 "If you were really here.." 

"Loki, stop this madness! I am right here,” Thor made a grab for the knife but Loki pulled it close once more. 

Loki let out a little huff, wishing he could hold out the knife hilt first to the real Thor. 

"You're not real,” Loki told the vision, the blade shaking in his grip but not dropping. 

“But if you were, I would ask you,” His voice broke for a moment before he swallowed and tried to stop it trembling against his control, “I.. I would ask you to slit my throat." 

Loki stared down at the glinting blade in his hand, wishing Thor would run the blade through him. 

Loki whispered down at the ground, "I am being punished for my cowardice because I cannot bring myself to let go twice,” Loki took in a shaky breath, “I cannot bring myself to give in and slit my own throat but you could." 

"That is not cowardice." Thor’s voice was strained, “We ne-“ 

"It is. If I had killed myself I could have saved you the trouble of having my blood on your hands.” Loki felt a bitter smile fall across his face briefly, “Not that you’re really here to do it for me.” 

Loki raised his gaze once more,  “I deserve to die. If I had died I would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. My life will never clear my ledger but it wouldn’t be a bad place to start." 

Loki slid the knife away, gripping at his head so hard it ached, as he muttered to himself, “I can’t.. It is never going to stop. If I was dead they couldn’t do it again.” 

Loki stared up at Thor noticing his eyes seemed so much bluer almost like they were glistening. Thor’s face was pulled tight and yet it was vanishing, it was becoming distorted as his vision shrunk.   

"I wish.. I want you to kill me. I _can’t_ take this.. th-is…" 

Against Loki’s will his body slumped. His vision failed him and the only thing Loki felt was hands grabbing him before he struck the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surpise..? I think? Sorry for the wait, I was juggling editing this chapter, rewriting a part for the next and writing the second to last chapter of this fic. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I'm really curious!


	10. Chapter 10

Loki’s eyes flew open to meet burning white light. Gasping out, Loki scrambled back and tried to grasp at the ground but only found white sheets. White walls rose around him, white floors spread across the ground and all he could find was white.

Loki twisted around and found tubes sticking out of his veins. The long see-through tubes ran across the ground away from him, curling and twisting in an unnatural way.

A beeping sound pierced his ears and sent him reeling back as the world span separate from him.

_They are coming. They are coming._

The beeping would not stop and yet the doors did not rise because Loki was already in the white light. White was all around, white was everywhere.

Loki tore the tubes from his veins in one fluid movement and jerked back. Loki found himself tumbling to the ground with a painful crash but within a heartbeat he was skittering away. He only stopped when his back bumped against the wall, where he was as far away as possible from the tubes that snaking across the ground.

Loki pressed up into a corner with his breath coming in and out too fast. Loki tried to focus on the feeling of the wall against his back, trying to relieve the panic that was threatening to drown him. Yet all he could think about was he didn’t know where he was, he didn’t know where Doom’s robots were, he couldn’t understand why there was bed in the room, he didn’t understand anything. Loki was waiting for the pain to start again, he was never free in the light.

Loki buried his face into his knees as his body trembled beneath him. They were going to put that tube back into him and now they were going to hurt him more.  

The door flung open and Loki tightened in on himself, trying to make himself as small as possible. Odd choking sounds came out of him and breathing was becoming a foreign concept. He listened to each footstep against the hard floor as each fell closer and closer to him. There was small part of Loki that hoped he hadn’t been spotted but he was never that lucky.

A sharp prick in his arm caused him to flinch,  his head shot up, and he came face to face with a woman. He stared at her pale skin was that did not shine from the reflection of the light and then he looked up at her eyes that did not glow blue. His eyes traced along her soft hair that fell in around her ears. She was mortal, human and living but most of all not a robot.

"Whhat?" Loki managed but the words were fumbled and slurred.

Loki sank back against the wall. He tried to fight the numbness spreading across his body as the woman stood over him but only managed a couple of moments before he gave in and he faded back into nothing.

The darkness clung to him for a long time. It was wrapped tightly around him like a blanket and he wanted to stay where he felt warm, where it did not hurt and he felt oddly calm for the first time in a very long time.

When Loki opened his eyes the strange feeling still had a firm grip on him. It felt like he had been stuffed with cotton wool, everything was floating around him and felt pleasant. 

Above him the white lights beat down on him once more, piercing through the warmth that had cocooned him. Flinching, Loki tried to move away but his limbs dragged and he found he could barely get anything to move. Loki quivered and panic became trapped under a false feeling of warmth. 

He went for the tubes again, meaning to yank them out of his wrists, but a hand wrapped around his wrist. 

"Loki don't."

Loki’s gaze shot up to meet the eyes in front of him. Through the foggy haze of his vision he made out Sean sat beside him. Loki reached out and touched Sean’s arm, it was warm under his touch and felt so solid that he recoiled away, unsure what to make of the feeling.

Loki found himself making a noise at the back of his throat and he tugged at the tubes again. Sean pulled him hands away and Loki tried to fight but he didn’t have the strength, each movement was sluggish and delayed.

He tried to yank at the tubes that were deep in his arm but he couldn't, he wasn’t strong enough against Sean. Digging his nails into Sean’s wrists, Loki tried to claw his way to the tubes. Sean didn’t understand. Sean didn’t know what they were going to do to him if he didn’t get the tubes out. He didn’t know how much it was going to hurt. It was always going to hurt.

"I don't want to.. they…" Loki choked out, hating how slurred his words sounded, "They're going to… it’s... it’s going to...”

Loki heard a hushing sound but he ignored it to instead try to grasp out at Sean but found he couldn’t.

“You don’t understand,” Loki tried to scream out but it became no more than a whisper.

Loki struggled under Sean’s grip but everything was slowed down. He stilled and squeezed his eyes shut against everything. He dug his nails deep into  Sean’s skin and for a moment it was the only thing that felt real.

“White, black. Too much white,” Loki muttered to himself as he looked at the walls once again, “White, black, I want- I can’t… make it _stop_.”

Loki felt the bed dip beside him and arms wrapped around him. His head was spinning and things sounded much louder than they should have, everything felt so different, warm when it should be cold, far away but too close. However the strangest feeling of all was the lack of pain.

Loki closed his eyes again and mumbled to himself, “Why doesn’t it hurt?”

"They are never going to hurt you again,” Sean said in his ear, “I got you out. You're safe now."

Loki watched the way Sean’s face rippled and blurred at the edges. It took Loki a moment for Sean’s words to catch up in his mind but when they did he found he couldn’t stop himself from staring.

"I'm out?" Loki whispered, afraid if he spoke too loud Sean would fade away and the dark would start laughing at him. 

Sean nodded, "You're in Stark Tower. Victor Von Doom isn't going to touch you ever again."

Loki grasped hold of Sean, his hands digging deep into solid flesh. Everything was spinning around and as much as he wanted to reject Sean’s words and convince himself he was above believing the lies the dark brought, he found this felt too real. He was too strongly clouded by naivety to linger on doubts that he was still in his cell.

Instead relief washed down him, it cascaded and overwhelmed him. Tears rolled down his face and he curled into Sean’s embrace. It felt like he was floating, he wasn’t hurting and yet Loki couldn’t stop small sounds escaping his lips as tears fell rapidly. His body was fuzzy and floating in a way that was almost nauseating. Loki pressed his face into Sean, griping onto him as tightly as he could. 

It was over. He was free.

When Loki fell silent, he lay still against Sean. Exhaustion clung to him and the foreign substance that ran through his veins tried to force his eyes shut with its weary aftertaste. Loki wanted to stay here wrapped in this warmth, knowing nothing would ever hurt him again because he was no longer in his cell or anywhere close that Doom could hurt him.

But if Loki shut his eyes there was a chance that all of this would go away and Loki wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t want to lose _this_ even if none of it made sense, even if he felt he was forgetting something important. Yet he had little choice because eventually the soft bed beneath him, the warm body against him and the drug seeping through him lulled him into a false sleep.

Next time Loki was awake everything felt clearer. The ceiling above him was brighter and he could feel the odd aches and pains. Loki could still sense something making everything duller around the edges but now the bed felt harder underneath him, the air and light no longer danced in front of him and everything felt nauseatingly real once more. 

Sean was no longer lying beside him but instead he was sat in a chair beside him. Loki slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position and froze as he waited for the room to cease spinning. He felt an arm on his chest trying to push him down back down onto the bed. 

"Loki, you need to take it easy."

Loki turned his gaze to Sean and it suddenly felt like a bucket of icy water had been tipped over his head. He met those blue eyes but he no longer felt like they were Sean’s. Instead he saw different eyes from when there had been no light except the red flashing one above. The face Sean wore was a lie, underneath was no mortal. He was a walking façade, a nightmare come to life. There had never been a Sean.

"Svadilfari." 

Somehow Loki had forgotten. Not that he could have blamed himself, a part of himself wanted to bury it back down and pretend he was Sean and let everything go back the way it was before. But there was no going back, this was not a secret Loki could allow himself to ignore.

In front of him Sean’s eyes softened. _No._ It was Svadilfari before him. He still wore Sean’s face as he struggled to find his voice.

"Nothing has changed, I'm still Sean." Svadilfari told him softly.

"You are not Sean," Loki spat, “You lied to me.”

Loki could feel his hands clenching into fists but at the same time he had to resist the urge to scuttle back across the bed. Loki wanted to scream out at the monster, the criminal hidden in front of him, who was masquerading around in his lover’s body.

"And you didn't?” Svadilfari said, “I don’t remember you ever telling me who you were. You lied the second Luke came out of your mouth instead of Loki.”  

"That was different!"

"Oh?” A thin smile formed on Svadilfari’s lips but it did not reach his eyes, “So it’s fine when you lie about who you are but not when I do.” Svadilfari's eyes narrowed, "If I told you who I was from the beginning you wouldn't have given me a chance. You would have left immediately."

"Rightly so!" Loki snapped back before shrinking a little as Svadilfari seemed to loom over him. 

"Isn't that why you lied to me?" Svadilfari said. 

Loki felt his throat tightened and found a stillness wash over him. Svadilfari must have known he was lying from the beginning. He must have known the whole time, every second of their relationship he must have known the one thing Loki had thought he could never tell him.

When Loki looked up he found a softness to Svadilfari’s gaze that made the difference between Svadilfari and Sean blur. It felt as if Sean was staring back at him rather than the monster who wore his face.

"I think you knew,” Svadilfari said slowly, “That if a mortal like Sean had known you were Loki they wouldn’t have stayed with you. In fact I think you thought that if _anyone_ had known who you were they would never have wanted you."

Loki felt his breath hitch as he tried to keep his face blank of any emotion.

"I let you keep your lie." Svadilfari told him, "But I wanted _you_. It was always you I wanted, Loki, so you have to understand - I had to lie. If you had known Sean wasn’t real I would never have had a chance to win you over. I needed that chance.”

A small smile fell over Svadilfari’s lips and this time it reached his eyes.

“But I know I’ve won you now, you loved Sean and now you love me."

"Don't." Loki felt skin begin to crawl but at the same time there was an odd feeling in his stomach he couldn’t ignore.

“Who I am changes nothing.” Svadilfari said, “I still love you. I know we haven’t had the best pasts but we were young, we’re different now, we’ve made _this_ work in a way I could never have dreamed of.”

Loki stared. On some a level a part of him was screaming with disgust crawling through his core and yet another part of him was breaking apart, reaching out and wanting nothing more than to agree.

It was all too much right now. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and pretend the world didn’t exist, that the white room had all been in his head, but he couldn’t right now with Svadilfari still in front of him.

There was a part of him deep down that wanted to throw himself at Svadilfari. Svadilfari had saved him. He had pulled him from that nightmare when no one, not even himself, could.

He loved Sean, there was no denying that and if Sean was really Svadilfari… then there was only one logical conclusion. He should have been grateful because this meant Sean wouldn’t wither and die in a 100 years. Loki already knew before Doom he was nothing without Sean, no one at all, and now right now he knew how worthless he had been made by the white room. Svadilfari had dragged him out and once again he was only showing how ungrateful, how selfish he was by turning from him because of past slights instead of thanking him for saving him.

“All the time we've spent together,” Svadilfari broke into his thoughts, “I don’t want to erase it all because of our past. I don’t think I could ever stop loving you, not even if I tried.”

Svadilfari was moving forward and Loki found himself instinctively trying to move back. His body did not obey him and the world wobbled as he managed to evade Svadilfari’s grip for only a moment. Svadilfari was looming over him, half knelt over him, holding his wrist firmly to stop him pulling away.

Svadilfari looked straight into his eyes and whispered, "I can't live without you." 

 “You’re a monster,” Loki choked out, trying to rip his hand from his grip, “You should be dead for what you did.”

Svadilfari’s eyes flashed and Loki felt his stomach drop. Loki tugged at his wrist but Svadilfari only pulled him closer until Loki could feel his breath against his skin. Loki tried to keep his body under control but he couldn’t stop his breathing hitching when Svadilfari gently brushed his knuckles against his cheek.

“I thought you were the clever one, Loki,” Svadilfari murmured, “You think Asgard would try to execute me over that?”

Svadilfari gave him a wiry smile as a dangerous glint appeared in his eye, “I think you’ve forgotten everything me and my father built, all the parts of Asgard that would not exist without my hands. Do you think the Aesir would allow _giants_ to build that?”

Loki flinched under Svadilfari’s grip but this only caused his hold on him to tighten. Svadilfari eyes seemed to be ablaze but they weren’t focused on him instead they seemed to go through him.

“The All-Father wanted me dead for being a fire giant because it was not the might of Asgard that built their great defences but Muspelheim.”

Svadilfari’s hand twisted into the back of his hair. Loki couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him and found the fingers slowly threading through his hair oddly comforting. He couldn’t resist leaning into the touch, despite knowing he should move away.

“They twisted our relationship, Loki.” Svadilfari said, his eyes focused once more, “Asgard turned you against me for their own gain. I’m not a monster, I never did what they said I did. I never did anything you didn’t want or anything you didn’t _like_.”

“I didn’t want it!” Loki found himself screeching.

Loki twisted out of his grip and rushed across the bed. Svadilfari grabbed his leg but Loki lashed out and kicked Svadilfari square in the chest with all his strength. Undeterred Svadilfari kept coming and Loki threw a punch but Svadilfari caught it as if he were no more than a child. Loki snarled and thrashed against Svadilfari’s grip but he found himself thrown down on the bed. Loki struggled but he was firmly pinned under Svadilfari’s weight. His body felt wrong, it did not respond correctly and his arms were numb and weak.

“Stop lying,” Svadilfari gripped both his shoulders so tightly it hurt, “You wanted it, I know you did.”

“No,” Loki argued, twisting under his grip as his heart began to thud in his chest.

“I love you,” Svadilfari said firmly, “I would never have done anything to hurt you. Asgard has warped your perception. They lied to you! They made you believe me a monster but I’m not. I never forced myself on you. Who was it who cried rape first? Was it you?”

“I.. it was…” Loki felt himself pause.

It had been so long ago. Loki couldn’t quite remember if he had ever said _that_ word. He remembered Thor afterwards, the look on his face, the scrambling to find the Healer Eir. He remembered the way everyone’s eyes followed him. He remembered being pressed with questions and never having answers. All he had wanted was to push the memories back so he never spoke about it and eventually people stopped asking. But Loki couldn’t remember who had first said the word rape. He couldn’t remember saying it.

Svadilfari hands were holding his face. He was stroking his cheek in a way that was supposed to be reassuring.

 “It’s okay, I know it wasn’t you.” Svadilfari murmured, “Someone whispered it in your ear but I suppose I cannot blame them, they were only trying to protect you.”

“Protect me?” Loki frowned up at him.

“Do you think the All-Father would have allowed for you to foster feelings for a giant? Imagine the scandal it would have caused. No, it was easier to manipulate you, convince you that I raped you and dispose of me before any deeper feeling kindled.”

“They lied to you, I would never have forced myself on you,” Svadilfari eyes met him and there was something desperate under the surface, “Please, you have to believe me.”

Loki tried to pull from his touch as a sickening feeling rose in his chest to mix with confusion. It had happened so long ago and he had buried it all so deep in his mind that some details were lost to him. Maybe there was a possibility that he had got some of the details of his encounter with Svadilfari wrong. Loki wasn’t sure how much of what he remembered was true anymore. It scared him to think that maybe his memory was failing him, that someone had manipulated his perception.

Loki remember the way Svadilfari had spied glances at him when he had thought he wasn’t looking and the way it had made him feel. He remembered running through the woods with the sound of horse’s hooves pounding against the ground growing louder and louder. He still remembered clearly being held down. Yet Loki had held down other lovers and they had _liked_ it. Svadilfari had held him down and he hadn’t screamed. He couldn’t remember if he had said no.

There was an odd tightness in his stomach and uneasiness clenched around him. His memory must be skewed, details were warped and the order seemed wrong. Loki had been sure Svadilfari had forced himself on him but maybe he was just remembering how rough he had been. It had been a completely new experience for him, the fear could have been from lack of knowledge and experience.

Maybe Loki had been lying about the rape or someone had whispered falsehoods in his ear. He had been younger then. It had been so long ago, it wasn’t something he thought about and yet now when it mattered he couldn’t understand what was the right thing to remember.

Loki couldn’t understand what was happening. He was used to lying to others, he wasn’t used to the possibility that he had been lying to himself. This wasn’t something he would have made up, he wouldn’t have lied about this, it had just been another reason why he wasn’t.. _no._ If it hadn’t happened that was a good thing, it must be a good thing.

Loki knew of Asgard’s hatred for giants well and he knew without asking the All-Father would not approve of any relationship between him and a giant. That could explain everything. Odin had given him a reason not to argue with the execution. They had lied to him. He hadn’t been raped. He couldn’t have been raped, he would never be weak enough to let something like that happen to him. He was not weak.

Yet this didn’t stop the memories. It didn’t block out the taste of terror that still lingered on his tongue. Loki pushed the memories deep down, he couldn’t let his mind stray back down there again.

“In the end does it matter?” Svadilfari said, reaching down to brush Loki’s hair back, “I can’t let you stop what we have right now because of the past. I know you loved Sean.”

Svadilfari paused.

“I have never stopped loving you, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You’re just so… Do you even know how perfect you are? There is nowhere else I want to be than with you.”

Svadilfari leant down and kissed him. It was soft and slow, as if Svadilfari was afraid if he put too much pressure he would break him but Loki sensed in the gentleness there was a silent plea lingering between their lips. Loki’s breath caught in his throat but before he could properly react Svadilfari was already pulling back.

Loki looked up at Svadilfari and found he couldn’t look away from what he saw staring back. Svadilfari was looking down at him as if he was his world, as if the thought of losing him was tearing him apart. It was intoxicating to see the burning that lay behind those eyes that threatened to consume him. Loki was starting to wonder if that would be such a bad thing. No one had ever looked at him like he made their life worth living, like he was everything they had ever wanted, like he was perfect.

“I know Sean was a lie but what I feel for you wasn’t. I can’t lose you after just finding you again.” Svadilfari’s voices hitched for a moment before he whispered, “Do you think you could still love me?”

Loki met his gaze, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. Loki tried to think what life on Midgard without Svadilfari would be like and found he couldn’t. He was no one without him. It didn’t matter what Svadilfari had done in the past and even now Loki was starting to wonder if Svadilfari had even done it. Even if he had, Loki had done worse things and somehow Svadilfari had forgiven him for that. Loki could have wanted Svadilfari back then, he could have been confused, after all Loki wanted him now. No one wanted Loki, expect Svadilfari.

Loki had been left with Doom, he had been promised protection and yet he had still been taken, it had only been Svadilfari that had come to rescue him. Loki had been left with only robots for so long. There had been no words, no human touch, just silence and his own mind. Yet now Svadilfari was here, there was warm fingers against his skin and eyes staring down at him like they never wanted to look away. There had been so much pain in that white room, so much fear, and now Loki was faced with so much love in front of him he wasn’t sure how he could refuse.

Loki knew without hesitation that he had loved Sean and in the end Svadilfari and Sean were one and the same. Loki couldn’t go back to being alone. He couldn’t go back to there just being robots. He couldn’t turn down his only chance at a sliver of happiness.

“Do you still love me?” Svadilfari asked.

The silence that stretched between them was almost deafening. Loki could see Svadilfari’s eyes trying to search his for an answer but for a long while Loki didn’t answer. Then finally Loki met his gaze.

Loki cut through the tense silence with a single word, “Yes.”

A smile broke across Svadilfari’s and he moved down to kiss him but this time Loki rose up to meet his as he claimed Svadilfari’s lips for his own. After all this time apart he was with Svadilfari again. Loki didn't want to fight it, he just wanted to be worthy of being loved this much. 

Hands gripped the back of his neck and the kiss deepened full. Loki melted into it. This was the first time in a long time he had felt this much love. He would never get this from anyone else. Loki refused to let the past stop _this_.

The taste of Svadilfari's lips was home. The fingers through his hair sent shivers down his spine. Loki finally felt like he had found somewhere that he belonged, even if he knew he didn’t deserve it.

When Svadilfari finally pulled away he smiled down at him and pulled him close. They lay together intertwined. Svadilfari’s presences lulled Loki into a half-asleep state and Loki wanted to stay like this forever.

Yet like everything the movement couldn’t last forever. Eventually a nurse came in and Svadilfari detangled to talk to her. They spoke in harsh whispers that Loki couldn’t catch and before he knew it Svadilfari was leaving with promises that he would come back but Loki found himself distracted by the nurse. She was holding an odd contraption and injected a strange liquid into one of the tubes connected to his veins.

Loki made a grab for the tube but he found himself sinking back. The nurse was gently pulling his hand away from the tubing and he found it hard to argue with her. He felt smothered in an odd pleasant feeling. Loki was sinking into a warmth, reality was fading away, and right now Loki didn’t feel like fighting it.

When Loki woke again he felt more rested than he had in a long time. Yet as he shifted he found he still felt lightheaded, like his body was being messed with.

Glancing around he could not find Svadilfari anywhere. The room was so empty now but Svadilfari’s words still lingered in his mind and left him wondering if he had made the right choice. He couldn’t decide if everyone in Asgard had lied to him about what had happened. Loki felt a bitter taste fill his mouth as he reminded himself it wouldn’t be the first time Asgard had lied to him. In the end Svadilfari was Sean and right now he needed Sean, he wanted him. He would make it all work somehow. He had time.

Loki was distracted by what he saw when he glanced down. Right in his wrists tubes stuck from his wrists with a strange liquid running through them. Loki felt his skin crawl and with one yank he pulled the tube from his wrist, throwing the tubing as far from him as he could.

Loki dragged himself from the bed to get away from the soft feeling. He moved around the edge of the room, running his fingers along the paint and enjoying the rough texture compare to the cold feeling of white tiles that he was used to.

The room was so much bigger compared to where Loki had been. He couldn’t work out why the room needed so much space, it could have been made half the size and still had room for the bed, chairs, odd machines and equipment. It made him uncomfortable because at least when a room was small he was never far from the walls.

Loki attempted the door but wasn’t surprised when the handle went down but didn't open. Loki made a small noise at the back of his throat before moving away. It took away the option but Loki wasn't even sure where he would go even if it was open, away from the white perhaps but from there he didn't know. 

Loki stared at the bed for a moment but found he didn’t want to get back in. His eyes followed the trail of tubing with a strange liquid running through it  and he found himself shivering. He pushed himself into the furthest corner and slide down the wall until he was pressed hard between both the walls. Loki rested his head against one of them and let out a shaky huff of air. 

Loki shut his eyes and tried to keep his whole focus on the feeling of the wall around him. It reminded him of where he was, what was real, but when he opened his eyes he still met by white walls and he found it hard to convince himself that he had got out of his cell, that nothing was going to hurt again. White was never a good thing. It always led to pain.

Loki heard the click of the door and glanced up to see Stark stood in the doorway. Confusion crossed the man's face for a moment before his eyes fell on Loki and he knew he had been spotted. Loki knew he should get up and greet the man or at least explain his strange behaviour but the position was too comforting to move from, for a reason Loki didn’t understand.

"You do realise there's a bed." Stark said, gesturing to it. 

Loki could only stare. He had been so caught up with Svadilfari he hadn’t even realised what he was hearing. He hadn’t realised he was hearing a voice, a real voice. 

"What?" Starks quirked his eyebrows, "Is there something on my face?"

Loki shook his head mutely and averted his gaze as he was unsure where to look. He was taken by how rich his voice sounded. It was shocking how his mind had never been able to capture the natural rises and falls of a voice. He had been so used to only hearing himself and the voices in the dark that it was almost overwhelming to hear a real one. Loki knew he couldn't go back there. He couldn’t be left alone with only his voice.

By the Norns, he was out. He really wasn't _there_ anymore. He felt the gravity of it sink into him like a deafening weight.

But all around him the whiteness was screaming otherwise. The white walls felt like they were closing around him. They were promising more pain, they were telling him he was never getting out.

He was distantly aware he was making a choking gasping sound but he couldn’t stop it. He could barely breath. Loki could feel his heart beating harshly in his chest and it was all becoming too much for him to bear.

Loki was still there. This had all been in his head and he was still in the white room, they were still going to hurt him and rip his magic out of him again. Loki gripped at the ground but could find no purchase.

He pressed himself into the wall but could find no comfort, it only told him how he was trapped and was never getting out. He was going to be trapped in here forever.

Loki slammed the back of his head into the wall. Pain rushed through him so Loki did it again and again until he couldn’t think, until the whole room was spinning and all he could do was claw at the floor, panting for air that he couldn’t find.

“Ekki meira,” Loki pleaded when he felt a presence near him. 

Loki flinched back from the soothing words, refusing to let them wash over him, and instead pushed the lies back. It would only hurt more if he believed he was free when he never would be.

His breathing was beyond erratic at this point. It burnt to breath air and it left too quick for him to keep. All at once he was sure he was drowning all over again. 

An arm grabbed his and Loki was kicking them as hard as he could sending them flying. More arms came out of nowhere and tried to restrain him. Loki thrashed. He couldn't let them take him. Loki let out a snarl and twisted under their grip, he was going to rip them to pieces, he would make them into scrap metal. He would watch them burn.

A hand wrapped around his arm, pinning it behind him, and Loki could only gasp as something pierced his forearm.

Then it was over. His limbs turned numb and fell uselessly. Everything faded black by the time they dragged him up. 

When Loki came to he was in the bed again. A woman was stood nearby studying some sort of device in front of her and seemed oblivious to the fact he was now awake and staring at her.

His eyes flickered around the room but he found it was the same as it had always been. He couldn’t work out how he had gotten back in bed, he had the vague memories of the floor and of kicking out but the rest was an odd blur.

His eyes fell to his wrists and he felt a sickness crawl deep under skin. With a vicious pull Loki yanked the tubing out of wrists again, ignoring the spurt of pain it caused. The woman immediately protested and tried to put it back in. Loki moved back, refusing to let her anywhere near him with that _thing._ When she tried to force it on him Loki snarled at her and threw threats at her until she backed off, her wide eyes staring at him.

Loki was never going to let anyone put anything that inside him ever again. He didn’t care about her excuses and promises that it was to help. Loki didn’t want to risk it, they reminded him of- Loki squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and pushed the thoughts back.

To his horror when the woman came back, she had others with her. One of them pinned him down to the bed whilst a man was forcing his hand into a leather restraints. Another was forcing the tubing back into his wrists.

Loki let out a screech and was unashamed to admit he thrashed like a wild thing. Even in his weakened state he kicked the man hard enough in the face to make him bleeding.  

"Ég mun drepa þig!" Loki screeched. 

They managed to force one of his legs into a restraint and were well on their way to getting a wrist secure. Loki yanked and pulled but the restraint did not give. His heart pounding so hard, his body raw with adrenaline as he twisted and clawed as they tried to confine him further.

“Nei!” Loki snarled, “Farðu í burtu frá mér!”

In his struggle Loki bit down hard into one of them. Loki tasted their blood in his mouth as he tried to launch himself at him. One slammed their elbow into his face, sending him reeling back in pain, but it only made him struggle harder.

Then suddenly his ears were filled with yelling and the hands were no longer holding him down. Loki jolted forward, his blade in his hand before he could process anything. He tore through the restraints as quickly as he could, his breath coming in out in a ragged fashion.

His eyes fixed upwards as the shouting continued.

"Get out!" Came a loud yell. 

"But sir-"

"Get the fuck out of my sight _right now_."

Loki’s eyes finally focused on Stark who’s presence seemed to take up the whole doorway. His whole body looked eerily relaxed compared to the fury burning in his eyes that Loki had never seen in a mortal before. Stark looked as if being skinned alive was the least of their worries.

Loki still clutched at the knife long after the nurses disappeared through the door to leave him alone with Stark. Loki tried to slow his heavy breathing but only managed to gain partial control.

Starks expression seemed to soften as he said, "You don't need the knife anymore, Lokes."

Loki gave him a warily look as he searched for any sign of threat but all he saw was a relaxed demeanour.

"Svo þú segir," Loki murmured. 

After a couple of moments of hesitation Loki slid the knife away again, after all it would only take a second for him to draw it out again.

"If you try to put that back in," Loki spat, motioning to the tubes, "I will slit your throat." 

"I won't," Stark assured and half raised his hands in defence. 

Loki didn’t reply and only gave him a hard stare that the mortal easily ignored. Instead Stark sank down onto the chair near the bed in a sprawled fashion, his legs propped up on a machine. The man didn't say anything after that, just tilted his head back as if he was in a world of his own, though Loki suspected he was giving Loki chance to assess him and relax the breathing that still rattled through his body. 

After he spotted no immediate danger, Loki sank down from his crouched position so he was sat on the bed once more. He found he was too tired to care too much anymore. 

Loki brushed the tubes aside so that they fell onto the ground, grimacing away from even their touch. 

"I take it you won't let me put those back in," Stark said, breaking the silence.

Loki went rigid as a snarl began to form on his face but was stopped when Stark raised a hand

"Rudolf!” Stark said sharply, "I’m not going to force you, I promise. It would just help your recovery if you let me."

"I am quite capable without those _things_."

"That's good, that's good but it would quicken things up for you."

Loki turned his gaze to the tubes and only managed to suppress a shiver. They might not glow green at the moment but that didn’t mean they couldn’t.

"But if it's triggering-"

"I don't need your pity, mortal!" Loki snapped, sitting bolt up with his fists clenched so tight it hurt.

Stark brought his feet back down to the ground, "I wasn't pitying you, I just know what it’s like. I know what you've been through wasn't-"

"It was only weeks or maybe a couple of months," Loki's face twisted, he let sarcasm drip into his voice as he waved his hand dismissively, "I'll get over it."

Stark faltered and his expression froze in place. Loki felt something drop in his stomach and it felt as if the room had suddenly got colder. Something must have face shown on his face because Stark didn’t recover from the pause in a way he could have. 

"Lokes," Stark said, his fingers fiddling with the edge of his t-shirt, "You weren't gone for a couple of weeks," The mortal swallowed, "You were gone for over a year."

Loki stared. He had known he had been in there a long time but the days had blurred and it had been hard to keep count. In that place there hadn’t been days, there had only been the white and the black to track night and day. Time had stopped, it moved both too slow and too fast. He had been sure he would have known if a year had past.

He was Loki of Asgard, the trickster God, no one could keep him confined for that long. There had been an escape plan, it had taken him a while to make it but he had made one. Loki had been in that place a while but he would have known if it was that long. He was sure of it.

 _A year_. It had been more than a year.

Loki buried his face in his hands, his shoulders slumping under the weight of everything. It had all been a nightmare but he had been sure he had been overreacting when the days never seemed to end. When no one had come from him, there had been a part of him that had hoped he just hadn’t given them enough time. Hope was for the weak.

"Loki…"

He couldn't stand the pity lingering in the tone of his voice.

"Get out." Loki said, not looking up at Stark.

Loki had meant for his voice to come out loud and threatening but he knew it had been barely over a whisper. 

A silence stretched out between them and for a couple of moments Loki thought Stark would refuse but finally he heard the sound of the door closing. Loki was once again enveloped in silence but Loki couldn't bring himself to care. He just lay back and stared numbly at the wall.

Loki didn’t know how long he lay there but he couldn’t trust himself to close his eyes, he didn’t want to see what lay beyond. Loki was so tired but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. So when a different woman came and offered him something that would help him sleep he found himself accepting. It wasn’t long after that that he fell into a blissful haze and finally managed to close his eyes. 

After that Loki fell in and out of consciousness. Most of the time he awoke alone but a couple he found he was briefly roused by a presence beside him. Yet he barely made out the sight of Svadilfari sat beside him before the drug dragged back under again. 

In this state he didn't dream. It felt as if he just ceased to exist and instead he floated between realms. At least when Loki was here nothing hurt and he wasn’t trapped in endless nightmares, in this place he could just sleep.

When he awoke properly he found Svadilfari wasn't there anymore but then there was a possibility he had never been in the room in the first place. He felt images of Asgard’s woods rush through his head, the sound of horse’s hooves and the terror on his lips, but he pushed the thoughts back as hard as he could. Instead Loki lay there not allowing himself to think about it too hard. He remained still, savouring a moment where he was in the light without being in pain.

His peace was broken by a different visitor. This time it was Coulson wearing a suit that seemed too black against the white backdrop. The agent looked immaculate but Loki couldn't bring himself to care how ragged he probably looked compared the mortal. 

When Coulson asked how he was feeling Loki gave him a simple shrug. Loki barely answered any of the questions Coulson brought and instead chose to stare up at the ceiling, ignoring him.

Loki didn’t have the energy to weave lies to explain his sudden escape from Doom. Loki flat out refused to speak about the details of what Doom had done. Loki would not allow them to mock and laugh at him.

Coulson eventually stood with an unreadable expression and told him he would come back when he was feeling better. Loki didn't acknowledge the words and just continued to stare blankly.

He was left to the quiet. It left him with too much time to think and thinking only made everything worse. His thoughts kept lingering on what had happened, what might happen, he was always thinking about things he would rather forget.

Doom had taken him once and there was nothing to stop him doing it again. He had been promised protection but Loki could only rely on himself and that had not been enough. If Doom’s robots came back for him, Loki didn't know if he could fight them off. 

Before his thoughts could take a dark turn they were broken by the entrance of Stark. Loki regarded the mortal silently, watching his movements carefully, but was left confused by the energy Stark brought to the room as he swept through the door.

Loki could only stare as Stark shoved something in his hand before lounging back in the chair in the same fashion as last time. There was now something warm in his grip and as Loki brought it up he found he recognised it but that did not stop his hesitation.

"What?" Was all that Loki managed from his mouth and even then it came out as a mixture of an accusation and a confused question. 

"Don't tell me you've not seen a cheese burger before?" Starks lips quirked, "I just thought you would want some real food. I don't know what the hell they feed you in here but it isn’t right." Stark shivered, "It's probably good for your health or something."

For the first time in a while Loki felt a faint sense of amusement wash over himself from Stark's odd ramble. It made him wonder when the last time he had felt it, he didn’t even want to think how long it had been since he had last laughed.

Stark took a big bite out of his own burger and Loki found he could only resist for a moment before he unwrapped his own was eating. The second the taste hit him Loki had to force himself not to wolf it down. Loki couldn't remember when he had last had something this good. He wanted to savour each bite but at the same time it nearly impossible to eat something this good slowly.

Before Loki knew it, it was gone and he was left with nothing but the empty wrapper. The burger left an odd heavy feeling in his stomach but he couldn’t bring himself to regret when he had its taste still lingered in his mouth. 

When Loki glanced up he caught an small smile forming across Starks face which vanished the second Stark caught him looking. It was gone so quickly Loki wasn't sure if it had ever been there in the first place. He certainly wasn’t sure why it would be. 

Loki laid back, keeping his eyes open. He knew there was still drugs in his system meddling in the back of his mind but they were starting to ease off. 

"How are you feeling?" Stark asked, his legs sprawled out on the equipment. 

Loki gave him an exasperated look at the question. He swore to the Norns he was going to stab the next person who he asked him that. He didn’t know what they expected him to say, he didn’t know if they wanted lies or the truth.

"Better." Loki said after a moment.

Stark nodded, "Give it a couple of days and you should be able to get out of this _place_ and back to your floor."

Loki gave him a long look before saying dryly,  "But not back home?"

"It's for you own safety." Stark said, not denying what he had said.

"And look where that got me." Loki muttered. 

"Look I'm sorry," Stark said.

The mortal paused for a second with an odd expression falling across his face. His eyes didn’t meet his but instead focused on the ground.

"If I had known what was going to happen I would have…" Stark’s voice trailed off. 

"You promised me protection," Loki clenched his jaw, fighting the urge to shout at him.

Loki had been left alone to fight off Doom’s robots. He had no protection, no help. He had been alone when they had taken him.

 "I meant it when I promised it! Every inch of your floor was reinforced, you had Jarvis watching the whole building and there was always one of us here on call if something happened.”

Stark looked him straight in the eye at him, “I don’t know how but Victor Von Doom interfered with Jarvis. What Jarvis was seeing didn’t match up with what was happening. Someone tampered with him but he’s fixed now, I can promise you that," Stark swallowed, "I’m sorry, Lokes, I really am. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. When that fire alarm went..."

Loki dug his nails deep into his palm, his gaze dropping away Stark. Loki only had the vaguest memory of the fire alarm. He remembered the robots coming, the image of the robots towering in the room was so clear in his mind.

It had been so quick, so sudden, without warning Doom had taken him and the life Loki had managed to build up had shattered. Then Doom had shattered him. He had taken his body apart, torn into him and harvested him, taking parts of him to be used.

There had been no one but the robots, staring at him with emotionless eyes. There had only been the white and the black over and over. 

"Loki?"

Both the dark and the light brought pain. It had been constant, never ending, there had been nowhere he was safe from it.

Stark had broken his promise once, there was nothing to stop him breaking it again, there was nothing to stop Doom taking him. Loki knew Doom could get him here and when he did he would break him. This time he would put him somewhere where no one would ever find him and there would be no escape.

Doom would do it all again. Doom would hurt him.

Loki could smell burning flesh. A horrible singed smell that made him want to vomit. His hands fumbled to find the burning metal against his skin to push it away but his hands found nothing. Yet the smell threatened to overwhelm him, it was so clear and real.

Loki’s gaze twisted to the white walls. They screamed at him, they promised pain, they promised he would never leave. The white whispered how they would burn his skin from his bone. They promised to make him watch his skin bubble and slide away.

His chest was hurting as it rose and fell unnaturally fast. His limbs felt numb and far away and would not stop shaking.

"Lokes, do you think you can slow you're breathing?” Came a faraway voice, “Can you do that?"

Loki twisted and realised somewhere far away he was choking on air. Loki was gasping, trying to keep the air in his chest but the panic was making it impossible.

But Loki was trapped, all he could see was his skin melting under red hot metal. He could smell flesh burning, it was sicking. He knew it was _his_.

A knife glinted in front of his eyes before it was brought in deeper. He let out a gasp as pain flared through his body. His blood was pooling on the ground as they separated his skin, drawing it back for him to look inside. No matter how much it hurt the robots never laughed, never spoke, they didn’t care.  

There was nothing Loki could do to stop them dragging the blade deeper through his skin. There was no promises he could give, no lies he could weave. Loki was trapped unable to fight whatever they wanted to do with his body. 

There was an arm on his shoulder and Loki tried to shake it off but his body was unresponsive and slack. A soft voice was telling him to copy his breathing and he tried. It was hard, he couldn’t get enough air and his body was panicking. It felt like he was drowning again and he was sure he was going to suffocate.

But Loki tried to mimic the slow breaths. It was hard fighting the feeling that he was dying. The panic was gripping him tight and just as he reached the cusp of his breath becoming normal, his breath would rapidly become uncontrolled again.

His chest was aching, his throat raw but eventually he managed to slow his breathing to little small choked breaths. The arm was completely around him now and he found himself was leaning into the embrace as he struggled to maintain little controlled breaths.

The whole world was spinning in indistinguishable circles. Loki wanted to scream or cry but his voice felt trapped inside. Loki curled inwards on what might have been a shoulder or a chest but it was warm and soft like a person rather than being metal and cold.

"You're not there anymore," Came a reassuring voice. 

How could they be so sure? The dark lied to him so often he couldn’t be sure if he would ever be free of it. The dark clung to him, it was so black it wrapped around him and swallowed him. Loki couldn’t bear to open his eyes and find himself back there. He couldn’t take it if this was all a lie and he was still trapped in those four walls.

“Vinsamlegast drepið mér bara,” Loki whispered, “Ég get ekki tekið þetta lengur.” 

Loki heard a hushing sound and felt the arm tightening around him. It felt good and warm. He could almost mistake it for safety.

Loki mumbled, “Vinsamlegast...“

Loki floated in between panic and tiredness, tipping backwards and forth between the two. His breath was calm and slowly his brain was able to process once more. The fear still lingered in the back of his mind but the walls weren’t screaming, there wasn’t blood or burning metal. All of that resided inside him but had little residents in the outside world.

Loki opened his eyes and realised that the body he was leaning on was real.  Jerking away, he found Stark looking back at him. Loki froze, staring back at the mortal. He searched his face but found no pity in the man's eyes, there was something else lingering under his eyes that made Loki look away as if burnt. 

Stark gave him a half smile as he got up. He asked him if he wanted something to help him sleep and Loki could only nod as he watched Stark wandered off to find a nurse like nothing had just happened. Loki didn’t know what to make of Stark but he knew he was thankful that the mortal didn’t comment.  

The next time Loki woke up he felt the drugs coiling tightly around his mind. Loki could make out Svadilfari in the room but his vision was swirling and he couldn't focus on what Svadilfari was saying to him. He was simply lulled by the sound of his voice and the feeling of his hands. 

Loki got the impression Svadilfari had brought him something but he didn’t know what it was. He wanted to ask him but Svadilfari didn’t seem to hear him.  

Svadilfari seemed unhappy with the nurse who was upping a dose of something. Loki couldn’t work out why. Surely Svadilfari should be happy about it. The drugs made him feel good, it made him feel calm and relaxed. They made sure that when he slept, he didn’t dream, so surely more of the drug would be a good thing.

Everything faded in and out, he found himself sleeping more. Sometimes he woke up  to what he thought was Svadilfari but the next time he looked he was gone. When he tried to move his limbs they felt separate and foreign.

Things were slowly becoming more and more confusing. It was hard to tell when he was awake or asleep. It was all becoming nauseating and under the false calmness fear was leaking into him.

Loki found the white walls were closing in around him again. They were whispering again. Laughter was echoing around the room, digging and cutting into him. 

With some effort Loki managed to drag himself partly out of bed before toppling forward under his weak legs. A huge weight caught him and he found arms lifting him back up onto the bed. Loki twisted under the grip and slamming his fists into the body in an attempt to struggle past the arms and back off the bed.

"Þeir eru að fara að koma," Loki slurred, " Þeir eru að fara að taka mig,"

“They're not,” Loki heard rumbled as hands held his wrists still, “I won’t let them take you.”

Loki sagged. The room came in and out of focus as if became too far away and suddenly too close. He felt like he was going to vomit but he couldn’t get his body to move properly.

"You're safe," The voice promised. 

Loki felt a hand settle around the back of his neck as his forehead was pressed against another and a heavy arm settled around him. It felt so familiar that Loki couldn’t help leaning into the embrace. It felt like the only thing that wasn’t confusing right now.

Nothing stuck in his mind, it was as if the world was flowing past without him. The body against him felt like the most solid thing he had felt in days. Loki knew he was falling apart but in this moment he felt like the arms holding him  were the only thing keeping him together, it was like they had become his foundations.

Deep down he knew this was just the drugs talking. They were manipulating what he felt and what he saw. They kept him from dealing with the outside world and feelings that threatened to drown him. Yet now they were making the world a mess, they couldn’t mask everything and instead made Loki question what was real.

Loki opened his eyes to find blue eyes staring back at him. The hand around the back of his neck retracted but Loki already felt loss. Instead of lashing out he grabbed the front of his shirt. It was solid and real. 

Loki searched his face, tracing across his face to the blonde hair. It was normal, completely normal, there was no rot, no open wound or blood. The face didn’t twist and spew words that would rip him apart. It didn’t fade away, leaving him all alone.

"Your face..." Loki mumbled.

"Brother?"

Loki felt his body sliding, slipping, as he could no longer hold himself up. This time no one caught him and he ended up sinking back into the bed. He reached out, his hands clasping onto clothes before just desperately clawing.

"Thor," Loki slurred.

He felt the bed dip next to him and he turned his gaze on his brother.

"Don't.. go." Loki whispered into the confusion mess of colours. 

He felt an arm wrap around him and he tried to move closer. Inches from his he could see Thor’s face.  Blue eyes calmly met his but beneath the surface Loki swore he was staring into a storm.

"I won't." Thor promised. 

Loki let out a hum in response and they lay the way they had for centuries, their foreheads almost touching, partly intertwined as if they were nearly one. Loki finally let his eyes fall shut. He couldn't decide if this was real or not but most all whether he wanted it to be. 

The next time Loki was offered something more to help him sleep he declined. He almost regretted it when the warm feeling faded and the floating sensation left him but his mind became his own for the first time in a long time.

He couldn’t keep living in a haze, in the end it was only making it worse because it made him unable to differentiate what was real and what wasn’t. Loki had to accept that eventually he had to come back to reality but at least when he did it didn't hurt like he thought it would. 

Loki lay there staring at the ceiling that was the clearest he had ever seen it. He wondered what he was supposed to do now. He knew he couldn’t stay here, not with the white walls bearing down on him and the longer he stayed the more worried Svadilfari seemed to get. 

Loki sat up, tugging his hoodie around himself properly, before resting his face in his hands for a moment.

_Svadilfari._

He wore Sean's, a lie. Loki tried not to dwell on it after all there was nothing he could do to change it now. Just because the face he wore was a lie didn’t mean that what he felt for him was a lie. Loki needed to remember Svadilfari was the same person he had fallen in love with. He needed to remember that Sean being Svadilfari changed _nothing._ He needed to stop acting like it was such a big deal, he was being pathetic, trying to play a victim in a narrative of the past that didn’t happen. He had not been raped. It was all just a mistake.

When a niggle of doubt formed in his stomach Loki ignored it. It would just take a bit of time to get used to the idea. Svadilfari had forgiven him for his past so even if it had happened he had no right to withhold forgiveness when Svadilfari had given what he thought no one could. Loki was being selfish again.

Loki pushed himself off the bed and tried the door again and much to his relief the door pushed open with ease. Without looking back Loki walked barefoot down the hall, drinking in the sight of the new surroundings. The hall was filled with so much colour and as he moved beyond it he found more open space than he was used to.

He moved on through the floor, hoping to find an elevator. He barely made it more than five minutes before he came around a corridor and nearly walked straight into Stark. 

Stark sidestepped him with a look of amusement starting to form across his face. 

"I didn't know they had discharged you," Stark mused. 

"They haven't." Loki replied bluntly and stared at him with a hard gaze that dared him to argue with him. 

Stark gave a shrug and would have looked carefree if it wasn’t for the calculating look in his eyes. Stark shoved his hands in his pockets as he leant back.

“Hospital rooms suck.” Stark said, “I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did to be honest.”

Loki made a small noise of agreement before spotting the elevator doors just behind him. Loki quickly stepped around Stark and got into the elevator before the mortal could stop him. He couldn’t give the mortal time to change his mind as he had no intentions of going back to that room ever again. 

When the elevator finally arrived and Loki stepped out, he found himself filled with a feeling of being out of place. He was back in their apartment and it looked almost exactly the same. It was as if nothing had changed, everything was the same, except for him.

The apartment looked lived in, it was still made up of the mess Svadilfari always seemed to leave but as Loki looked properly he could see small differences. There was small changes in furniture, damage in things that hadn’t been before and more and more he got a sense of Svadilfari. There was leftover food in the fridge, Svadilfari’s sketches spread out across the dining room table and wherever he moved he caught the familiar scent of him.

Loki entered the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. He stared at the wall and felt lost for a moment. He was surrounded by a familiar room but it all felt wrong. The silence around him was deafening but at least the room had colour, it wasn’t too dark and after a while he found some semblance of peace just sitting there.

Loki didn’t know how long he sat but it must have been a while because when he focused once more he found Svadilfari knelt in front of him. His face was filled with a look of concern that quickly melted into relief when Loki looked at him.

"You look ready for bed," Svadilfari murmured, brushing his fingers against his cheek. 

Loki didn't really feel tired but he allowed himself to be pulled into bed. He didn’t say a word when the lights went out and the room sank into darkness. He just lay in the darkness listening to Svadilfari’s movement as a way of comfort.

Loki found no matter what he did sleep seemed to escape him, it was always just out of reach. He was lying in a darkness he wasn’t used to, in the is dark he could still see his hands in front of his face, but despite the grey light it still felt too dark. 

Eventually Loki found himself stood by the window, staring out at the lit city beyond the glass. It had been so long since he had been able to do something as simple as this. There was comfort to be found in staring down at the light that promised life below but eventually his legs grew tired and he left the window with the curtain partially open so he could still see it. 

Loki sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at Svadilfari who lay sprawled out under the covers with an oddly peaceful expression. Except he didn’t look like Svadilfari, he looked like the Sean. It was easy to forget who lay underneath that mask but he couldn’t let his mind on it linger because in the grand scheme of things what _might_ have happened with Svadilfari seemed insignificant when faced with the white room. 

Loki gently ran his fingers through Svadilfari's hair, being careful not to wake him. The price of the past had paid off, whether Svadilfari was guilty of what he had been executed or it had been a plot to get rid of him, none of it mattered because right now Loki needed him.

Svadilfari had dragged him out of the hel that was the white room. Svadilfari loved him and stuck by him through everything Loki had thrown at him. Loki would be foolish to throw what they had away because of a little slight. Svadilfari was too good for him. He had always been too good for him.

Svadilfari made no comment when he found Loki had not slept that night instead he made them breakfast. Svadilfari kept to his side all day. He didn't seem to mind when Loki reached out to touch him at odd moments, instead he pulled him close. Whether Svadilfari knew it was because Loki was touching him just to reassure himself that he was still there Svadilfari never mentioned it. 

Svadilfari was still there when Loki eventually fell asleep late in the afternoon. Later Loki had woken in the dark but Svadilfari made no complaint when Loki had freaked out in the dark and had lashed out, managing to punch him in the face. 

Svadilfari was patient and filled the silence of the next day with stories of what Loki had missed, of new projects he had completed, but mostly he was just _there._ He made it so Loki wasn’t alone.

Svadilfari had been there for Loki when Loki had panicked in the bathroom, falling into a fit of being unable to breath. He hadn’t mocked him for a simple flow of water sending him reeling. Svadilfari didn't even mention it afterwards, he just took it in his stride.

Loki was grateful for this patience but he knew it wouldn’t last forever. He needed to push this behind him. He couldn't let this weakness grip hold of him otherwise it would be Svadilfari walking out on him and not the other way around. 

Loki had survived the void. He had moved past everything that had happened there and buried it deep away. He just needed to do the same here, all he needed to do was to push forward and forget what Doom had done. He would survive this. Loki just hoped Svadilfari would give him time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So somehow I went from a 3,000 word chapter to an 11,000 chapter when I went to edit. In my defense I think I emotionally broke myself with the last couple of chapters so I wanted to expand a bit here (Loki needed a hug) plus this chapter kind of just ran away with itself. So that's why there was a bit of a delay with this chapter but more content? I was also writing the last chapter and the epilogue so that slowed this release.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! (I'm currently trying not to stab Svadilfari in the face)


	11. Chapter 11

The next night Loki tried again to sleep but found himself tossing and turning. It was almost frustrating to watch Svadilfari drop off to sleep straight away. Loki wished he could do that easily but he knew deep down he wouldn’t like what waited for him there.

Eventually Loki grew so restless he found he couldn’t take laying down anymore and so he slipped out of bed. Quietly Loki got dressed, he shoved on some jeans and tugged on his favourite hoodie, all the while being careful not to wake up Svadilfari.

He exited the apartment for the first time in days and wandered through the tower with no real location in mind. Loki simply moved floor to floor, enjoying the feeling of being able to move freely in the quietness that night brought.

Loki stopped at one floor, staring out of a glass door that led out onto a balcony and went to open the door but it remain shut due to some sort of computerised lock.

"Jarvis?" Loki asked, "Can you open this?"

There was silence for a moment and Loki wondered if the spirit hadn’t heard him or he had used the wrong summoning but then Jarvis replied.

"The door is off-limits."

Loki couldn’t stop his shoulders falling. It seemed to make it so much worse to be denied this simple request when all that separated him from the outside was a piece of glass. Having it just out of reach was so much worse than not seeing it at all.

"I just want some fresh air,” Loki said, “I haven't been outside in…”

His sentence trailed off and Loki found he could only stare through the glass. Loki knew he should be grateful for what he had but he couldn’t help but want a little bit more. He just wanted to feel the air against his skin, to look up at the sky and see more than the walls around him.

There was a long pause and Loki assumed Jarvis was ignoring him. He would not expect any leniency from the spirit and yet after a couple of seconds the door swung open by an invisible force. 

"Thank you," Loki murmured but received no verbal reply from the invisible voice.

Loki stepped out onto the balcony and his breath caught as he stared out at  New York spread out before him. Huge buildings rose around him, light twinkled against office windows and roads seemed to run across the ground as far as his eyes could see.

Loki sat on the edge, letting his legs hang precariously over the side of the tower. It was intoxicating to watch the bright headlights of faraway cars as traffic worked back and forth in an endless stream. Darkness wrapped around him but was quickly held at bay by the light from the skyscrapers’ windows that became the stars that the city had drown out.

Cold wind whipped through his hair and it felt amazing. Just the taste of the night air was enough for him. The dark open sky above him was freeing and for the first time Loki could breath, feeling for once that he wasn’t trapped by four walls. 

Too soon the night was chased away by the sun but still Loki couldn’t find it in himself to leave. Instead Loki watched as the black became yellow, orange and pink, only to bleed into blue. The cold night air was replaced by a crisp, damp morning breeze. 

Loki couldn't bring himself to care. He found it peaceful to watch the night become blinded by the sunrise. It was something he had been sure he would never see again but he was free now and would see many more. He could spend as long as he liked in the open air and move wherever he wanted.

Below Loki the drop was so far down he could barely make out the figures of people in the streets. Loki wondered if it was high enough that he wouldn’t feel it if he fell. 

Loki heard the glass door behind him open and listened to each foot step against the ground before they fell silent just short of him.

"Can't sleep?" Stark asked. 

Loki didn’t reply at first and just watched as Stark pulled himself down to sit beside him, his feet hanging off the edge in a mirror image of his own.  

"I could sleep if I wanted to." Loki said after a moment.

Stark gave him a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes but as Loki searched he couldn’t find any pity there. There was something else lingering under the surface, some kind of recognition. 

Stark turned his gaze onto the city and Loki couldn’t help but follow it. The sun was striking the side of a nearby building, reflecting off it so brightly it was blinding to look directly at.

"Sleep is not something that comes easy." Stark said, still staring out at the city. 

Loki slipped his hands into his hoodie pockets and eyed him warily. 

"I only came out here for the view." Loki said.

Stark's gaze came back to him and the smile that spread across his face was tight in a forced way, "It is a great view."

Loki tapped his feet against the glass of the building, "But that's not why you're out here, is it?"

"No, I didn't come for the view," Stark wiggled his eyebrows at him suggestively, "But now I’m here, I'm not complaining."

Loki rolled his eyes, "What do you want, Stark?"

Stark paused, his expression lost its playful edge and Loki couldn’t decide if he regretted it or not.

“I wanted to see how you were doing.”

Loki frowned at him, searching his face for a hint of a lie. It had to be, it made no sense otherwise and yet Stark met his gaze unwavering. Loki couldn’t work out why he would care, unless of course he didn’t and he was just looking for information. That was the most likely explanation.

“This is the first time you’ve left your floor,” Stark said, his gaze flickered for a moment. “And I know you probably don’t want to talk about what happened but... I saw what you were like when you came out, all that..”

Loki stared at Stark for a moment, he was almost sure that Stark had choked on his words for a moment but he recovered so quickly Loki assumed he must have imagined it.

“It looked like you’d walked out of a Saw movie, Lokes.”

“A what?”

Stark waved his hand dismissively, “Look, I don’t know what Doom did-“

“ _Nothing_ that concerns you.” Loki said, resisting the urge to push up and walk away from this conversation as quickly as he could.

Stark looked away for a moment, “This isn’t just something you can just get over. It can turn you into a whole bag of crazy if you let this fester up inside of you. It can’t be doing you good staying permanently on that floor with Sean.”

Loki’s eyes shot up at the way Stark said Sean’s name, there was something Loki didn’t like about the tone of his voice. It wasn’t disapproval but there was something lingering underneath it.

“Do you have a problem with Sean?” Loki demanded, “Is that what it is?”

“What?” Stark said, “No, I don’t know the guy, Lokes.”

Loki narrowed his eyes at the Stark and Stark shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and gave a small dismissive shrug.

“What do you want me say?” Stark said carefully, “Sean keeps to himself, the work he does, his designs are… remarkable. He seems like the sort of guy I’d hire, I suppose.”

“But?” Loki said, his fists clenching tight enough to hurt.

Stark sighed, “I don’t want to turn this into an argument, Dasher.”

“Then tell me why you’re really here,” Loki said, standing up and staring down at him, “Because you haven’t come all this way just to question my wellbeing.”

Stark muttered something under his breath before pulling himself to his feet so he was level with him. Stark crossed his arms and his gaze grew harder and more focused.

“I did actually come here to see how you were,” Stark said before shifting on the spot, “But there was another reason I came to see you. The whole scooby gang was hoping you would join a meeting to fill in what happened whilst you were ... away.”

"You mean you want me to come to an interrogation."

Stark held his hands up, "Everyone just wants to know what happened. You haven't exactly been here to ask.”

"I wonder why." Loki said with a sarcastic edge. 

“Fury is going to get on our backs soon if we don’t tell him something and as much as I’d like to say- stick it to the pirate in the sky, we really don’t need him sniffing around right now,” Stark said, “I mean this is only if you're feeling up to it today, I understand if-"

"I'm fine, Stark."

“Good,” Stark replied, even if he didn’t look fully convinced, “It’s an informal one anyway. It'll give you chance to fill up on some information about Doom.”

_I already know enough about him._

"It's in a couple of hours, Jarvis will show you where."

Stark reached out to touch his shoulder but Loki flinched back from his touch. Loki quickly told him he would be there and disappeared back into the building. Loki heard Stark’s protests but simply ignored them, instead heading back down the corridors, allowing himself to lose him in what felt like a maze of never-ending rooms.

Loki didn't particularly want to go to this _meeting_. He knew eventually he would have to explain what had happened, he just hadn’t thought it would have to be so soon. He didn’t even know how to put it into words or how to make them understand. In some ways he didn’t want to, he didn’t want to remember and he certainly didn’t want to see the judgement on the faces of past enemies. He didn’t want them to hear about him being at weakest or to know how helpless he had been.

There had been a part of him that had hoped the state of his body would have explained away any questions they had and only thing he would have to lie about was his escape. He had thought that the wounds would already give them more than enough to gloat about.

Loki paused for a moment. He didn’t hurt right now. Stark had insinuated he had seen how bad Doom had injured him and yet Loki didn’t feel any pain and he had no memories of any of the nurses treating his wounds or bandaging him up.  

Loki quickly slipped into a nearby bathroom and tugging his top and hoodie up. He twisted so he could see his back in himself in the mirror and could only stare. There was a crisscross pattern of silvery lines, there were raised red ones, and on his chest was the same ragged scar left by The Other and yet as he searched his body there was no big wounds from the robots. There was faint whip marks and scars from the knife work but the majority of the robots work was just… gone.

"I don't understand." Loki whispered to himself, staring at his chest that was void from any serious scarring that should have been there, "This isn’t possible, I shouldn’t be healed this well."

"If I may?" The voice in ceiling cut in, causing Loki to jump and let go of his top so that it dropped back down, "Whilst you were unconscious and recovering your body was able to heal at an increased speed than has been previously recorded. Your body was healed within 24 hours of your escape."

Loki frowned and slid his hands under to run his shaking fingers along the marks, taking in the little indents and bumps left by scarring. He remembered all the wounds that should have been across his body. He had been a patch work of open wounds, his back had been covered in whip marks, his whole body had been carved open by knives and there had not been a part of him that had been left untouched by the robots’ work.

Despite all this, his body hadn’t been in any immediate danger of shutting down so none of his magic would have kicked in to help and even if it had it wouldn’t have been this precise, this thorough. The magic he had been allowed by Odin was defensive, it was never meant to heal him to this extent. There was no chance it could have been that. Instead it looked as if an invisible hand had wiped his skin clean. If it wasn’t for the tiny scars left on his skin it might have looked as if none of the past had happened at all.

Loki tugged his hoodie back down properly, no longer wanting to look at the marking anymore. This wasn’t something he wanted to think about right now or at all. Whatever the answer was, he was glad most of the markings were gone.

Loki let himself slid to the ground and he just sat there, allowing his mind to wander until Jarvis informed him that it was time for the meeting. Loki followed the directions as slowly as he could manage. There was a part of him that hoped that if he took long enough Jarvis would tell him the meeting had been cancelled but as he opened the door to the apartment and stepped into the living room he knew there was never a real chance of that. 

Loki was the last person to arrive, not that he was entirely surprised. Each of the Avengers including even Coulson were sat in the living room on a mixture of sofas and chairs. A few were hiding behind cups of coffee though from the way Stark was drinking his Loki suspected it wasn’t only coffee in his.

Loki hated the feeling of being exposed as all the gazes in the room turned on him. It felt as if their stares were burning into him and it took everything not to turn on his heel and leave.

Loki followed Stark’s gesture to the last free seat and quickly took it. He shoved his hands into his pockets to hide the way they were trembling and avoided looking into anyone’s gaze, instead putting on his best disinterested look. 

Coulson stood and dragged everyone's immediate attention away. As Coulson spoke Loki found it hard to focus on what he was saying, Loki knew what he was saying was important but he found himself zoning in and out and becoming distracted by the looks he was receiving. At least when Romanoff was watching him she had enough skill never to be caught but others were less subtle, it was making him wish he had never come. It felt like he was being analysed and dissected by everyone without anyone saying a word. At least with words Loki could tear them down but without Loki was only left with glaring.

After a while Loki became more focused on what Coulson was saying and found it was interesting the way Coulson spoke for so long without really saying anything. Loki was grateful in a way since the longer he spoke the longer it was before the questioning turned on him but of course it couldn't go on forever and eventually Coulson turned the attention back to him. 

"Which brings us to you," Coulson said, finally looking at Loki, "You must have some additional information about Victor Von Doom after spending so much time with him."

Loki felt his body beginning to freeze up and he had to fight with himself to not glance over at the exit. Instead he willed himself to disappear into his seat with little success.

No words seemed to escape his lips and it was as if his silver tongue had turned to lead. There was no words he could find to fit, there was nothing he _wanted_ to say or explain. Loki didn’t want to talk about Doom, he just wanted to bury it down and never thinking about it again.

"Perhaps we should start with what happened in the year you were gone," Coulson said gently. 

_What? So you can gloat?_

Loki was unable to move his mouth. There were a million things wanting to spill out but none seemed quite right. 

"Did he offer you a deal?" Romanoff asked. 

Loki’s gaze met hers and he gave her a small nod. 

She raised an eyebrow as an invitation to continue but Loki still found himself hesitant. He searched the rest of her face but it was predictably void of an expression or emotion. 

"He..." Loki paused.

Loki stared off to the side as he tried to collect his words. He was finding just thinking back that far made him feel dizzy and a little sick. His mind kept flickering back to other memories, he kept catching glimpses of white in his memory, he kept seeing red. Loki pushed it all back and desperately fought for control of his words.

"He offered me a partnership,” Loki explained, “He… wanted us to work together."

Loki shifted in his seat as he dug his nails into his palm, "But I refused, I do not work for _mortals_ ," He forced a tone of disgust to leak into his voice even though he didn’t fully feel it, “I don’t know what Doom had planned, he never told me what he had planned for our partnership.”

_I should have accepted it._

"I bet Doom wasn't pleased by that," Stark commented. 

Loki shook his head, words starting to fall easier, "Doom didn't need my cooperation. He found other uses for me," Loki shivered, "That didn’t require my consent."

Barton shot to his feet and let out a growl, "Bullshit!"

"Clint." Romanoff said warningly, grabbing at his arm but he shook it off.

"Don't Clint me!" Barton hissed, before pointing at him, "I'm not going to sit here and listen to Loki’s goddamn sob story about all the _terrible_ things that happened to him. He’s lying! We all know he was working with Doom this whole time."

"You dare accuse my brother of lying?" Thor boomed as a frown splintered his face. 

"I’m not going to sit here with him whining on how Doom hurt him or whatever lying bullshit he chooses to spit out." Barton seemed to almost be snarling, "And I’m not going to let you defend this arsehole!"

“You did see the state Lokes was in when he got here, right?" Stark remarked with a raised brow, “Or were you too busy building a nest in my vents?”

"You think he couldn't have faked that?" Barton said through gritted teeth, "Isn’t lying and illusions his speciality? Or perhaps you spent too long with your head up your arse to notice all his _evidence_ was conveniently healed before he woke up."

Thor looked like he was barely restraining himself from beating Barton through a couple of walls. Loki didn't know how to respond, the only thought that floated through his mind was that he should have expected this. It wasn’t like this was the first time he hadn’t been believed and he knew it wouldn’t be the last but it still didn’t soften the blow. He should have prepared for this but instead he had been more caught up in the fact that he didn’t want to talk about any of this.

Barton took a breath before more calmly saying to the rest of the Avengers, “I can't be the only one who had my suspicions.”

Barton twisted his gaze around the room, his stance still tense but his voice was becoming more level.

“You said it yourself Thor,” Barton said, “These past months with all these new attacks, Doom’s robots have been reeking with Loki's magic. Isn't it more likely Loki is helping Doom?”

“You can’t ignore the way Loki looked,” Rogers broke in, “It would be hard to fake that.”

“It’s all part of their plan,” Barton insisted, “He’s trying to get sympathy out of us so he can take us from the inside out. The robot attacks might be effective but releasing a snake in here is a lot easier.”

“The intention of this meeting wasn’t to-” Roger’s started.

“You saw the robot attacks,” Barton said, “They had Loki’s magic there’s no disagreeing with that it.”

Loki felt himself burning up inside. He felt like screaming. He felt like slamming his fist through the nearest wall and tearing the room apart with his bare hands. He felt like collapsing under everything but his teeth were grounding down and his heart was soaring.

There was so much he wanted to shout but all that came out was a single, “What?”

It was louder than any other word he could have said. It conveyed enough of what he was feeling that Barton took a step back. Loki took in a breath trying to calm himself, he couldn’t lose control right now when he was in front of all the Avengers.

"He... my magic..."

Loki started rubbing at his wrists to assure himself there were no tubes there but it didn’t cease the sensation that there was something there, something he needed to get out.

Loki swallowed, "These attacks.. these robots have _my_ magic? You are certain?"

Loki dug his nails into his wrists until he felt a sting of pain. His stomach seemed to loosen but it only made him want to sink his nails in deeper.

"We wanted to get your side of the story before we confused you with what has occurred in the past year." Coulson said.

Loki suspected Coulson wasn’t pleased with the turn of the meeting from the way he was shooting a hard look at Barton yet he hid it quickly under his cool mask.

“But there has been more attacks by Doom’s robots,” Coulson began to admit, “And as Barton has said the robots have displayed magical features unlike what we have seen previous to your disappearance. Both Stark’s analysis and Thor’s intel point to the robot’s possessing your unique signature of magic."

"You think I did it,” Loki mumbled to himself, “You think I did it.”

“It has been a theory that has been discussed,” Coulson said, “But this was long before your return and it’s been agreed that this wouldn’t fit Victor Von Doom’s MO that we have on file.”

“But that doesn’t stop some,” Coulson’s eyes lingered on Barton for a moment before continuing, “From suspecting that you willingly helped improve on Doom’s robots to launch another, more successful, attack on New York by giving him your intel on the magical arts.”

Loki could feel wetness under his fingernail. Everything was starting to roll and twist together. At least now Loki had the answer to why Doom had taken his magic, well at least some of it, there was obviously something else they weren’t telling him about Doom’s plans. But that was expected, they didn’t trust him and they thought he had let his magic be used in such a way. He should have expected this. It wasn’t as if anyone ever had a high opinion of him but he had hoped.

“There’s no suspecting,” Barton argued, “The magic proves his involvement with Doom.” 

"I didn't mean to." Loki broke in before he could stop himself.

Barton twisted to face him, his lips twisting into a snarl. There was something burning in his eyes that Loki knew he should flinch back from but after everything he couldn’t bring himself to be afraid. At this point Loki didn’t care what burned him.

"I tried to stop him." Loki said half to himself.

"Loki.." Thor said softly as if asking him to stop.

"This isn't the time for this." Stark said, "Loki hasn't been here long, he still needs time to adjust before you start throwing accusations around that you’re going to regret."

"He was working with him! You saw the magic!" Barton hissed.

“Come on, cut Rudolf a break,” Stark said, “You don’t have any real proof.”

“Sit down, Clint.” Romanoff said, trying to grab him again.

“No!” Barton snapped, ducking away from them, “Not until you stop defending a _murder!_ ”

The room seemed to be spinning around and around. The lights were too bright and beat down on him from above. Loki could feel the tubes in his wrists but he couldn't claw them out no matter how deep he burrowed his nails in. 

Far away Loki could hear them arguing back and forth. He could hear them bickering. He could hear the _accusations_. It was like being surrounded by a screaming mob outside a courtroom. There were some defending him but the louder ones were shouting for his blood, showing the world he would never be anything good, that whatever story he entered he would forever be a villain, he would always be to blame.

It was too loud. It was all around him and threatened to drowned him and Loki knew he couldn’t take a moment more of this. He had been stupid to believe they would not question his intentions but he had never thought they would honestly believe he would let someone use his magic like this. That he would ever let anyone do that willingly or that he would just give his magic to Doom.

All at once the white light above him, the feeling of tubes in his veins, the arguing, the accusations thrown came crashing down into his face so hard Loki felt himself crack in half. It was too much.

" **He took it!** " Loki suddenly roared, flying to his feet in front of them. 

The Avengers froze and silence finally fell in the room. They were staring at him like he was a wild thing and he in a way he was. Loki could feel his throat ceasing up as it grew tighter and tighter. His eyes were beginning to burn but he blinked it away rapidly because he couldn’t fall apart right now, even if he knew it was too late for that. Loki knew he was a sight to see. It must have been obvious to them that he was unravelling, they could see his madness, his weakness, his uselessness revealed across his whole being. Loki should have bled out in the light or starved in the dark. Loki was broken.

"Doom took it," Loki choked out, "I did not _give_ him my magic!”

“Lokes-“

“He turned my body and my magic against me!” Loki nearly screamed over the voices, “I have lost count of how many times Doom brought me to the edge of death to force my magic to lash out in defence so he could steal it from me. I couldn’t stop my magic trying to save my life, if I could I would have!”

_Then maybe I would have finally died._

“He took it, he took it.” Loki said, trying to control himself as his voice dropped, “He dragged it from me. **_My_** magic. All because I would not give it to him willingly."

Loki clenched his hand around his other wrist so tightly it should have hurt but he couldn’t feel it, he couldn’t feel any of his body right now except his fingers that were shaking uncontrollably.

"But how could I give my magic freely? My magic is a part of me. It _is_ me. It is more me than the skin I wear. Taking it from me is like tearing out parts of my soul. You might as well hack away my brain, take my mind and sanity. I think that would hurt less."

Loki swallowed trying to keep his voice steady as his eyes only seemed to burn more. He took in a shaky breath, trying to hold back the flow of words but it was as futile as trying to catch water with his hands. The words were falling through his fingers in a frenzy he had long since lost control of.

"Doom defiled me. He took what even Odin would not take from me. Yet I still fought, I found a way to keep some of my powers stored in crystals out of his reach so that Doom couldn’t take it all but that didn’t stop him stealing a bit of powers each day. They.. they were not his to take!

"I wish I could tell you that I gave it to him willingly. It would have saved me.. Norns… if any of you knew how it felt to have your heart torn from your body, have every cell of your body poisoned and burnt out, you would know I could never give my magic willingly. Doom violated me. The magic in those robots may be mine but _I did not put it there!_ "

Loki simply collapse back into his chair before his legs made him drop to the ground. His eyes were burning badly now and he wasn’t sure any amount of blinking would keep them in control.

“It's not like you're going to believe me.” Loki said, staring at the ground, “There's nothing you can do to me that has not already been done. The Other was always the best with a blade but Doom crossed a line that shouldn’t even need to exist. Doom lacks all respect for the basic laws of nature. He has taken from me in a way that will never heal in the same way the cuts on my body have.”

Loki choked on his breath and as everything disappeared into an odd haze he found the flow of words had finally halted. Whatever dam inside him that had been opened was now slammed shut to leave him with the aftermath of words he wished he could snatch back. The listeners were no friends, no allies, the Avengers would relish in his pain and humiliation at being brought so low. Loki felt his stomach tighten to the point of nearly physically hurting. They all knew how much of a coward he was now, they knew how unhinged he was but most of all they knew him as a liar.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, it was so done so lightly he took him a moment to realise it was Thor.

"You are a warrior, Brother." 

Loki felt like the floor opening beneath him and yet he could only stare up at Thor with a confusion that he couldn’t mask. There were no words except the need to disagree but for once Thor was too fast.

"You have survived more than a battle," Thor said, his grip on his shoulder becoming tighter, “You have endured and stayed true. I’m pro-”

Loki yanked himself back and away from Thor. This was wrong. This was all so wrong. How couldn’t Thor believe… after everything, no it had to be a lie. Thor didn’t know what he was saying.

“Endurance isn’t enough!” Loki snapped.

“Brother-”

“Stop calling me that!” Loki nearly shouted, “You’re just like the rest of them, you think I’m lying! You think I am in league with Doom. You think-

Thor grabbed him roughly by both his shoulders, dragging him forward. Flinching, Loki tried to evade his grasp but his hold on him was too tight. Loki stilled, finding himself pinned into place by Thor’s strong blue eyes that were a stormy grey in this moment. They said so much without Thor ever having to open his mouth and what he saw caused Loki’s mind to fizzle to a standstill.

“I believe you, Loki,” Thor said so softly Loki was sure he was the only one to hear it, “I swear on Mother’s life, I believe you.”

Loki let out a shudder and didn’t stop Thor from pulling him into an almost bone crushing hug. All the fight left him and he leant into the familiar embrace. It felt for just a moment that maybe everything would be okay and Loki found he nearly believed it, he nearly believed this could be the one place where nothing would be able to hurt him, where someone didn’t think he was a liar.

After a moment Thor spoke again, "Mark my words, Victor von Doom will regret the day he dared harm you. I will tear him limb from limb and feed him to Nidhogg myself."

"Thor-"

"I will not let him touch you ever again." Thor swore.

Loki fell silent and instead rested his head against his shoulder. He was too tired to argue with a force that only ever listened to its own reasoning. He didn’t care that everyone was probably staring. Right now all his calm facades had left him, he had always prized himself at being the one that could control himself and yet he felt more and more like he was losing control. It felt like there was nothing he was in control of right now. Yet to hear someone believed him, believed _in_ him, it felt like he gained an inch of control back and that maybe he wasn’t as broken as he assumed he was.

Loki felt a strange loss when Thor pulled back from the embrace but became distracted by the way Thor was narrowing his eyes at his allies and friends.

“If any of you accuse my brother of lying about what has been done to him,” Thor said, “Know that I will not stand for it, past bonds between us be damned. I will not let you sully my Brother’s honour by suggesting he would deceive us with a false crime such as this.”

Stark held up his hands in defence, "We weren't going to, Pikachu."

Loki’s eyes were drawn to the movement of Romanoff half dragging Barton from the room. He could hear furious whispering back and forth but they disappeared before he could catch what they were saying. Loki could almost feel the weight of the air lift as the door shut behind them. 

“Maybe we should call it a day,” Rogers suggested, “I think you gave us… some information to work off.” 

Coulson nodded and this seemed to signal the end of the meeting. Before Loki knew it he was leaving the room with just Stark and Thor. Stark ushered them into the kitchen muttering something about them all needing coffee. Loki soon found himself being handed a coffee and watching as Stark slipping something more into his own.

Loki stared down at his coffee, taking slow sips and enjoying the warm feeling it brought. He was thankful he wasn't pushed for any answers from the two of them. Instead Stark kept Thor’s attention dragged away with his babbling that Loki wasn’t going to pretend to understand and from the look of half amusement and bewilderment on Thor’s face he seemed to understand even less. Stark seemed to be spinning a mixture of pop culture references, new films and scientific nonsense into some form of speech. They were all things Loki didn't care about right now but that didn’t stop it from having a soothing effect on him as the conversation washed over him. 

Loki stared down at his coffee mug in silence as Stark went to put something in the microwave and set it to go whilst explaining his reasoning why a certain movie character reminded him of Thor. The conversation seemed to be humouring Thor to extent but having never seen the film Loki couldn’t really follow the conversation, not that he was particularly interested in doing so.

The microwave stopped and let out a shrill beeping sound. Following it came the shudder of the door opening, a clanging and then a slam. The lights were brighter now. It felt like the lights had become so bright that they had turned completely white.

_White._

His chest tightened so fast that Loki was sure his muscles should have snapped. Loki took in a gulp of air to try and fight the horrible feeling of dread that started rushing through every inch of his body.

Stark was pressing more buttons and with each touch of his finger a beeping sound sliced through him. There was nothing he wanted more than to press his hands over his ears to block out the sound but he couldn’t with them watching him.

Each beeping sound was filling his mind with images of shuddering metal rising. Loki could see himself backed up against a wall, trying his hardest to make himself as small as possible because maybe then they wouldn’t find him. Yet there was nowhere to hide. He couldn’t run. There was nothing Loki could do to stop them, they were coming for him and they would do whatever they wanted to him. There was nothing he could say or promise that they wouldn’t take anyway. They were going to drag him away and use him until there was nothing left and even then they wouldn’t stop. They would never stop.

"Ég er ekki þarna lengur," Loki mumbled under his breath.

Loki felt lightheaded as the table span beneath him, making him nauseous. His whole throat ached and burned but he couldn’t calm his breathing. It felt like he couldn’t breathe. It felt like dying. He wanted to be dead.

Loki scratched at his wrists, ignoring the pain and wetness he felt. Each time when his nails only came away with skin he only clawing at his wrists more desperately. Loki couldn’t feel the tubes but they had to there, he could feel them buried under his skin. Loki had to get the tubes out.

Loki franticly gasped for air. His chest shook and he only breathed quicker as Loki tried to breath in the air when there wasn’t any. He was choking. He was drowning. His whole body was weightless and he was falling and falling through a void. 

Loki clawed deep into his wrists until there was blood on his fingers. He tried to scrape away his skin so he could get underneath to where the tubes were. He couldn’t let them stay in, they were hurting him, he didn’t want to hurt.

Hands grabbed his wrists and Loki flailed under the strong grip. Loki struggled but his hands were pinned down. Loki let out a screech and slammed his head into theirs so hard he was able to knock them back.

Loki stumbled up, the whole room spinning around him as he staggered to the sink. Gripping the sides of the sink, Loki tried to fight the nausea rising up. He could feel it prickling against his skin as he choked on air and it rose so violently that he was unable to stop himself from vomiting in the sink. Loki panted, feeling better for a moment, before being taken once more.

Loki’s legs gave in and he let himself sink to the ground. His stomach was clenched so tight it hurt. Nausea took him and he threw up once more before letting his legs give in, sinking to the ground. 

His body felt like it was vibrating as he pressed his face into the crook of his trembling arm. He felt like he had some semblance of breathing again, even if it was only an inch of control. The feeling of air down his lungs felt like dripping cool water onto a burn. 

The hard panelling behind him was comforting. It felt solid and real when everything still felt so confusing. It took Loki a moment to convince himself to open his eyes and then to place his surrounding once more. It felt like a storm had ripped through his mind and now all he was left with was a silent room that seemed so much duller now. It was wide and open and looked nothing like his cell. 

Loki let out a breath and pushed himself up. When his vision fully focused it became filled with a concerned looking Stark and a confused looking Thor. Loki felt his hands beginning to shake and he felt the urge to hide his face. Instead he rushed to the door with only a soft sorry before he disappeared.

“Loki,” Stark shouted after him, “You don't have to-”

Loki was already out of the door before he caught the end of what Stark said.  It felt like running as he twisted around corners and down corridors, only stopping to disappear into a different room when he felt he was far enough away.

Loki didn’t turn on the light but simply collapsed to the ground, his back sliding down the wall. Loki buried his head on his knees, ignoring the way his eyes were burning in the darkness. At least nothing hurt him in the dark. It was always light that did that. It was only him that could hurt him here.

Loki shivered. 

It was only his mind in the dark. Sometimes Loki couldn’t decide which was worse but in the end it didn’t matter.

Loki lifted his head when he heard the door open but instead of looking he simply stared off into the distance. His eyes traced along the ground and despite himself he couldn't bring himself to look up. Loki had let his mind beat him in front of everyone. He had got away from Doom but it didn’t seem like his mind knew that yet. It was like _Him_ and The Other, it had taken him so long to get over that and still there were moments when Loki knew he never would.  He didn't know if he could handle it a second time, not when it was on top of everything else. 

"You sure know how to freak Thor out," Stark murmured as he crouched down beside him. 

Loki didn't respond. There was a long silence as Loki avoided his gaze. 

"Feeling any better?"

Loki shrugged and turned from him. He wanted to tell Stark to go away.

"It's okay, you know?" Stark said, "It’s a pretty normal reaction after what you've been through. It doesn't make you weak. You’re actually doing really well all things considered."

Loki let out a dry laugh. It did make him weak. Losing control of his body was one thing but his mind that was something he should have a stronger grip on. It was pathetic. 

"No need to be a smart ass," Stark muttered to himself before saying, "You should talk to someone about this, it might help. I could hook you up with-"

"No." Loki rasped, his knuckles turning white as he gripped his legs.

"I mean I know I'm not one to talk but therapy can help."

"Then don't talk." Loki said, pushing past Stark.

Stark grabbed his wrist to pull him to a stop. Loki snarled and snatched Stark’s wrist from his own and twisted it back until Stark let out a pained grunt.

“Leave me alone.” Loki warned before letting go.

This time when Loki moved Stark didn’t stop him. It didn’t stop Loki feeling his eyes watching him as he walked away and it didn’t stop the sound of his words calling after him even if they were left unspoken.

Loki managed to pull himself together by the time he got back to his apartment. He had managed to calm his mind somewhat but he could still feel the effects on his body. It felt weak and shaky but most of all tired. Loki just wanted to climb into his bed and not get up for preferably a week. He should have never left the apartment.

Loki stepped into the living room and had only moments to take in Svadilfari’s expression before he had hold of him. Loki tried to pull back but Svadilfari’s grip was so tight Loki was sure he would break it if he held it any tighter.

"Svadilfari," Loki grunted, trying to tug himself out of his hold.

"Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?" Svadilfari hissed causing Loki to freeze up.

"What?" Loki swallowed. 

The hold on his arm tightening as Svadilfari’s eyes seemed to melt. There was a look of hurt flashing in them before Svadilfari eyes averted and avoided his gaze as if he couldn’t even bear to look at him. Loki felt a lump form in his throat as his breath hitched. Svadilfari wasn’t looking at him.

"I woke up and you were gone, Loki." Svadilfari said in a low voice, "I only just got you back and last time… I.. I thought Doom had taken you again."

Loki stared up at him, his hands reaching out but only meeting empty air when Svadilfari stepped back from his touch as if it was poison. Loki’s hands dropped back down to his side.

 "I.. I didn't mean for-"

“You never do, do you?” Svadilfari’s hands became clenched balls, “You're always too busy thinking about yourself to think about the people who actually care about you.”

Loki stepped back as he felt the sharp sting of his words. This was all wrong, he had never meant Svadilfari to get worried. He never thought about what he was doing. He had been so caught up with himself he hadn’t thought about Svadilfari.

"Where were you?" Svadilfari asked, taking a step forward, "Jarvis wouldn't tell me anything."

"I was with the Avengers, they wanted-"

"Oh?" Svadilfari narrowed his eyes, "Whoring yourself out again?"

Loki took a step back, feeling like he had been slapped. For a moment Loki couldn’t even find words to defend himself.

"I would never-"

"Really?" Svadilfari grabbed him by his hair and yanked him forward so hard Loki let out a small grunt, "Then why sneak out?"

"It was just a meeting." Loki gasped, grappling at the hands jerking his head back by his hair.

"Who are you sleeping with?" Svadilfari spat, “Who is it?”

Loki stared, "I have no interest-“

"Liar!" Svadilfari screeched.

Svadilfari punched him so hard in the stomach that he crumbled. Pain rushed through him and for a moment he couldn’t breathe. He could only clutch at his stomach. Then he was moving, scrambling up, as he tried to put distance between them but it was no use. He only evaded Svadilfari for a moment before he had a grip of him. Loki struggled in his grasp but was backhanded across the face for his efforts. Loki’s head rocked back and jolted his body painfully. He became fixated on Svadilfari’s tight fist, the painful grip he had on him, and that that look in his eyes that didn’t belong to him. Loki felt his body still.

"You're not going anywhere without telling me, you hear me?" Svadilfari’s grip became painfully tight, "I’m not letting anyone take you away from me again. I am not sharing you with anyone, much less the Avengers.”

Loki gave a small nod, trying not to provoke him further. He kept his gaze from meeting his and resisted the urge to pry his fingers from his painful hold.

"I bet you'll fuck that up as well." Svadilfari muttered, glaring at him, "There's no brain in you is there? Pathetic. You’re fucking _pathetic_."

Loki felt himself burning up inside as Svadilfari walked away without even glancing back. Loki sank down on the sofa, burying his face in his hands for a moment. He could feel his eyes beginning to burn as well but he held it all back. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to let himself fall that low. This was his fault, he shouldn’t be feeling sorry for himself because if he had just told Svadilfari where he was going, if he had just used his brain for once in his life, he wouldn’t be in this situation. He didn’t think. This was all his fault.

Loki pulled out a tablet and started aimlessly scrolling as he tried to distract himself. It didn’t really work, he couldn’t get his mind to focus. Instead he could feel his throat becoming unbearably tight as a horrible feeling clung inside him. He couldn’t understand why he always screwed everything up.

Loki heard footsteps and quickly closed the device and turned. Loki regretted it when Svadilfari narrowed his eyes at the tablet and snatched it off him. Loki reached for it but this only made Svadilfari snarl and fling it across the room, out of reach. It struck the ground and span across the floor. Loki shut his eyes for a moment, knowing the screen was probably broken now. 

Svadilfari grabbed his arm, tight enough to leave marks, and forcibly dragged him off the sofa. 

"Something to hide?" Svadilfari hissed.

His face was inches from his own, so close he could feel his hot breath against his skin. Loki could have sworn he could see Svadilfari’s eyes burning as Loki shook his head.

"You think you're so smart, don't you?"

Svadilfari dragged him forward suddenly, causing him to stumble and nearly fall. Loki tried to pry his wrist free, it felt like Svadilfari was going to snap the bone, and yet even as he dug his nails into Svadilfari’s hand he still wouldn’t let go.

"It hurts," Loki tried.

Svadilfari glared at him, "It's all about you isn't it? I work so hard for you and that's all you have to say? You’re a selfish shit."

Svadilfari raised his fist and Loki flinched back. Svadilfari’s face twisted in disgust and dropped his hand to instead grip his other arm.

"Keep your fucking secrets but if I find out who you were talking to-”

“I wasn’t talking to anyone!”

The grip only tightened, “If you’re cheating on me, I will kill them." His blue eyes flashed red, "I’m not sharing you with anyone. You are mine."

Loki’s voice cracked over the pain, "I’m not cheating on you, I swear."

He was shoved into the bedroom, his back cracked against a set of draws. Pain flaring through him but his whole attention was held by Svadilfari who stood over him.

“You better hope you weren't.” Svadilfari said, his tone suddenly dropping,  “You know what happened last time.”

Svadilfari grabbed his forearm and dragged him. Loki found himself being violently thrown back on the bed as if he were nothing but a doll. Loki didn’t feel anything, he was too caught up at the way Svadilfari was staring at him with a look that could only be described as disappointment before turning into dismissal.

The door slammed. Loki found himself met with a hollow silence as the room felt unbearably empty. He curled up on the bed, trying not to let his thoughts stray on the last time Svadilfari had got that heated about thinking he had cheated. Yet he knew he would never forget the sound of snapping bone.

He wished Svadilfari would trust him. Cheating wasn’t something Loki did and yet Svadilfari didn’t trust him. No one trusted him. He was the Liesmith, the Silver tongue, nothing he said could be trusted. Everyone was so sure he would fail them and he had, he was a failed prince, failed conquer, failed lover. He was nothing.

Loki stayed there. He wanted to go after Svadilfari and convince him that he was wrong, that he would be better but he didn’t want to make it worse, not when Svadilfari was like this. He didn’t want to hear more of his words, he didn’t want to hear his failures out loud. He already knew them.

The sun dipped into darkness and it was only then when the door opened. He wanted to pretend he was sleeping but he knew Svadilfari would see through it.

He felt arms wrap around him and Loki struggled not to stiffen. Loki slowly turned to face Svadilfari but was unable to move away. He was so close that their foreheads were nearly brushing against each other. The look that had been in Svadilfari’s eyes earlier seemed to have faded and his body looked so much more relaxed, which made Loki slightly hopeful.

“I’m sorry,” Loki said softly.

Svadilfari hushed him and gently tucked a loose hair behind his ear.

“I just worry,” Svadilfari said, so quietly that Loki nearly didn’t catch his words, “I get scared you’re going to leave, that you’ll find someone else..”

Svadilfari trailed off and his eyes seemed to go glassy for a moment, unable to look up and meet his. Loki felt an odd feeling take over his chest.

“But, I would never-”

Svadilfari let out a little bitter laugh, “I know, trust me I know. It’s just I’ve only just got you back and you’re already disappearing on me without saying a word.”

“I’ll tell you where I’m going next time.” Loki promised.

Svadilfari gave him a wide smile that reminded Loki of a cat, “Good.”

Svadilfari’s arms encircled him and Loki let himself settle against him, enjoying the feeling of Svadilfari around him once more. Loki let his eyes fall shut as a heavy weight left him with the knowledge that he had been forgiven and that Svadilfari was here and wasn’t going anywhere.

He felt Svadilfari's lips against his neck. He slowed kissed down the whole length, leaving a warm and hot trail all the way down. Loki shifted uncomfortably but felt the arms encircling him tighten as they moved down. The hands were sliding down, the fingers reaching down and exploring. 

Loki gently nudged them away, trying to move their attention away but this only made them insistent. They were tugging down his clothes and Loki felt himself freezing up as his clothes were removed. He felt a sudden vulnerability as he felt the cold air against his bare skin.

Loki let out a protest and shifted away but instantly found his arms pinned in place. Staring up he found hard blue eyes bleeding through the darkness.

“Stop,” Loki said, his voice barely audible, “I..”

A frown was forming on Svadilfari's face and Loki felt his stomach drop as his mouth became unable to move. He knew he was doing it again. He was letting down Svadilfari, he was being selfish and not giving Svadilfari what he wanted. 

"But it's been so long," Svadilfari said, kissing along his collarbone, "I've missed you so much."

Loki felt hands trailing down and he tried his best not to shift under the cold fingers. He felt trapped under Svadilfari's grip, there was nowhere to escape to and no words Loki could think of to free himself. It was too much right now.

There was a sudden burn and Loki gasped as he felt two fingers being pressed inside him. 

"I've missed this."

Loki pushed at Svadilfari's shoulders in an attempt to get him off him, he just needed some air, it felt like he couldn’t breathe beneath him.

"I'm tired." Loki tried, "Can't we do this later?"

Svadilfari's movements stopped and instead of feeling relief Loki felt like he wanted the ground to swallow him up. Even in the dim light Loki could see the annoyance leaking into his expression. He could see it edging into something darker and Loki could feel his mouth turning dry as he wanted to take the words back. They were such foolish words, he should be enjoying this. He _had_ to enjoy this.

"Why wait when we can do it now?" Svadilfari asked, his breath hot against his skin. 

Loki swallowed, not letting himself protest and instead nodded. Instantly he felt the fingers move again. Any further words died when he caught the expression ghosting across Svadilfari’s face. After everything Svadilfari had done for him he had no right to deny him this, Loki owed him this. He had already made him angry today, he couldn't let himself fail him again. 

"I’ll make you feel so good," Svadilfari purred, leaving a hard trail of kisses down his neck. 

Then Loki felt it, the sharp penetration of Svadilfari entering. Loki felt everything becoming distant all of a sudden. Loki could hear himself, the noises he was making at each thrust, he could hear the small praises Svadilfari made under his breath but it all sounded so far away. 

His heart was pounding in his chest so hard Loki was sure it should have hurt. His breath was trapped in his lungs and was almost impossible to expel. Yet Svadilfari was looking at him with his pupils blown and praised spilling from his lips and Loki tried to convince himself that this made it right. It had to be good.

He was making Svadilfari happy and in this moment he was wanted. Loki couldn’t deny Svadilfari this, he couldn’t deny himself this. Svadilfari was showing him how much he loved him and how much he wanted him. Maybe in-between the kisses he peppered against his skin and the hard thrusts that hit just the right spot, maybe somewhere, Loki was worth something.

And yet Loki felt like crying. It was trapped in his throat as if there was a lump there. His hands were shaking and there was a feeling of being trapped overwhelming him. 

Each thrust brought a horrible burning sensation but he couldn’t tell Svadilfari to slow down. He didn't know how and he knew it would be wrong to do so. It would be selfish. It would only make it worse, Svadilfari was forgiving him for his mistakes. He was the reason he was even free right now so this was the least he could do. 

Yet it still didn’t stop him feeling like he was drifting away. He was staring through Svadilfari and up at the ceiling. His body felt separate from him and at the same time there was something stirring at the back of his mind. Loki caught himself lost in images and sensation. His hand were holding clumps of long brown hair. His legs were moving faster and faster until they became still and then they were sliced open in the muddy ground. Branches caught and cut him and his breath became acid in his lungs. Hands pushed him down. Hands held him down. But all Loki could see were blue eyes staring down at him and into him and the only sound he could hear was hooves pounding behind him like a war drum. He could taste fear on his lips but a scream never left them.

Then Loki was pushing it back and pulled himself to the present, feeling as if he was pushing his head out of the water moments before drowning. Loki found blue eyes falling shut and hips stuttering to a stop. Loki felt a warm sensation inside him and then Svadilfari pulled out. It was over.

A small smile fell across them Svadilfari’s face as he pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Before Loki knew what to do he found arms around him that pulled him flush against him.

"I love you," Svadilfari murmured, nuzzling into his neck. 

Svadilfari started whispering to him, keeping him encircled in his arms and Loki couldn't stop the warm feeling rise up inside him. Loki found his heart beat calming and he couldn't help but to start to wonder why he had started to get worked up in the first place.

Loki let himself relax against Svadilfari, savouring the warm feeling it brought. He was pleased with himself because for once he hadn't been selfish and had given Svadilfari what he needed so now Loki was lying where he had wanted to be for months. Svadilfari was happy and he wasn't angry or disappointed. Loki was safe here. But most of all Loki was need, wanted and loved and that was something he would do anything to keep. 

Loki tried to ignored how foreign his body felt to him and instead forced his eyes to fall shut and tried to let sleep take him. Yet in that moment Loki found he wanted to cry but he didn't know why. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for long gap between uploads but life kind of happened and well as usual when I edited this it ended up doubling in size. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think? I kind of had to just let this go because I was spending too much time going over and over it


	12. Chapter 12

Loki had to be happy. After months and months with Doom Loki was finally free so surely he should be happy but he wasn’t and didn’t understand why.

Loki could feel himself sinking. Everything was dragging and dipping under the surface as he was slowly suffocated under the effort of just breathing. He couldn't move, he couldn't lift himself up. There was nothing wrong with his limbs, they weren’t broken or damaged, it wasn’t even that he didn’t want to move, it was that it took too much effort. Everything took so much energy that Loki found it was easier just to stay in bed.

It wasn’t like anything really mattered. There wasn’t anything to look forward to. His life just _was,_ it moved without him and he didn’t care. It was easier that way.

For the next three days Loki barely left his bed. It didn’t matter that it was uncomfortable, it was simply easier. No one made a move to stop him.  Svadilfari certainly didn’t argue, which Loki took as a good thing. Even Jarvis never mentioned it. He didn’t even disagree with him when he turned down another meeting with the reason of being too busy.

When he rolled over and caught sight of the dark handprint bruises around his wrists and arms, he buried himself deeper under the covers, trying to ignore that they even existed. He didn’t want to see his skin and more than once he caught himself wanting not to exist at all.

Loki wasn’t sure when the dreams started because it wasn’t something that was new but it was more something that changed. At first they were just flashes of images of the white room or voices from the black one that faded into a half remembered mess when he woke up but soon they transformed into full blown images.

They became more than that, instead of just images, they became tangible and inescapable. Each time he slept it was as if his skin really was being torn off his body, it was like he really couldn’t breathe and his face was being submerged in water and when he screamed water surged down his throat. Loki thrashed but metal arms held him firmly in place.

Then his world was shaking and he found Svadilfari inches from his face. His body was drenched in sweat, his throat was raw and his whole body was shaking. He allowed Svadilfari to wrap his arms around him but he didn’t believe him when he told him everything would be okay.

Every time Loki closed his eyes, he was back where he started. His world was filled with light, it was filled with pain, and he was reminded of everyway his captures had taken him apart to steal his magic and of the way he screamed and every word that never freed him.

Loki stopped staying in bed. He avoided sleep as much as possible because he knew what waited for him there but eventually Svadilfari dragged him to bed, becoming annoyed by the way lack of sleep made him look.

The dreams only got worse with every night. They reminded him of the ones he had after he was finally free of Thanos, expect Svadilfari's presence didn't calm him, it didn't stop the dreams anymore. In some ways, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Svadilfari added to the nightmares.

In one dream Loki found himself running and running down a corridor. The only light was the flickering red emergency lights that made each corridor look exactly like the last. No matter where he ran Loki couldn’t escape the sound of hooves behind him. He couldn’t run from the hands that pinned him in place. The worst part wasn’t the pain rocking through his whole body but the trapped feeling of being unable to stop it and the fear burning through his veins.

Sometimes there wasn’t red lights, sometimes he was surrounded by the dim light that the forest tree’s let through. Wherever Loki ran he found trees. They spread out for miles whilst at the same time closed in and suffocated him.

The more Loki ran the closer the trees became. Inch by inch the trees were drawing together until Loki was pressing himself between the trunks and cutting open his skin when he tried to pry the branches apart with his bare hands.

Roots wrapped around his legs. Loki kicked and he struggled but the branches whipped out and trapped him in their vice grip. His back was pressed up against the hard bark of the trees that encircled him. Loki was pinned in place.

Yet as he struggled against the branches Loki found they were not hard and rough but warm and smooth. Holding his wrists were hands, his back was not pressed up against bark but a warm body. Loki twisted. His fingers finding black markings and falling into the long brown hair.

There was the glint of teeth in the dim light and he found himself staring up into Sean’s blue eyes. The pupils dilated and those soft blue eyes turned hard and predatory. They were Svadilfari's eyes. 

Hands moved across his skin and he knew what was coming next. Loki tried to fight. He tried to scream but lips came over his to silence him. Loki’s hands were clawing at the body over him but he only came away with bloody clumps of brown hair. He was pinned so hard Loki would have been sure he was going to break if he didn’t know he was already broken.

His ears were filled with laughter. It felt like it was piercing his skin but wherever he looked he couldn’t find the source of the laughing. The laughter dropped to whisper until all he could hear was a hot panting against his ear.

Loki awoke to find himself being shook. The images fell away, scattered to the back of his memory as most dreams did and yet he found he could not meet those same blue eyes. The blue eyes from a lifetime ago who had- no. His mind was twisting things again, Asgard had twisted things. Svadilfari was innocent, tried for a crime he had not committed.

Loki lay in the darkness, he tried pushing away all the images and all the lies his mind had drawn up. It had all happened too long ago for anything he remembered to be real or correct. It didn’t matter in the end, he needed Svadilfari, without him there was no point in anything. There was hardly a point to start with.

Loki waited until he was sure Svadilfari had fallen asleep again before pulling himself to the edge of the bed to sit there. Between his tightly clenched hands he held his blade, crafted by Frigga’s hand.

No matter how much he tried to block it out, Loki could still hear a horse’s screech in his ear. He could still feel the sharp pain and the feeling of panic. It was the feeling. He tried to tell himself it was a lie, he knew it was. What he thought he felt was a narrative told to him to try and turn him against Svadilfari. Knowing it was a lie didn’t stop it feeling any less real. It didn’t make himself feel any less like he had lost something, like something had been taken.

Loki stared at the glinting blade. He want to cut the memories out even if they weren’t real. He wanted erase the moment from his life so that he didn’t remember a single second of it. He didn’t want to remember the way it changed things, how people had treated him differently.

He didn’t want to remember.

Yet more than that Loki wanted to cut a feeling out of him. The feeling that stopped him wanting to move in the morning, that kept him from feeling like himself. It made him feel trapped inside himself, made him numb to everything and yet at the same time it hurt him all the time. It was the feeling that reminded him he was nothing and he would never be anything. If Loki cut it out the blade would make him feel alive for just a moment.

Loki raised the knife high, watching the sharp point rise and rise. Loki took a deep breath, readying himself to plunge it down into himself, to cut everything out, to let all putrid, rotten parts of himself bleed free. Loki was ready to be free.

He let go.

Loki’s arm fell back down onto his lap and the blade lay unstained on his leg. Loki smiled sadly, wondering how many more days he could take before he didn’t fear the embrace of nothing.

He let the days blur and pass as he became stagnant with a feeling he couldn’t, wouldn’t, cut out. It was a type of sadness he had never felt before. A sadness without tears and without a reason he could pin down. Yet it was eating him, glutton on him until it gnawed away all his muscle and flesh, leaving him unfeeling and numb to the world around him but in constant agony from the bare nerves and bones never meant for open air.

Instead Loki ignored it, in its place he focused on pleasing Svadilfari, quenching his moods where he could and trying to stay awake as long as he could. Yet like everything it all hit a breaking point. There was only so long things could stay exactly how they were.

Loki knew he was dreaming again. He knew that but it didn’t make it any less real, it didn’t make it any less terrifying when he couldn't move. Loki struggled and struggled against his bonds but he couldn't escape the blade that cut him open, and couldn’t fight the metal hands sliding in to pull his skin back. Each cut, each touch felt like fire. There was blood everywhere. _His_ blood. 

Then he falling, dropping away from the hands holding him captive, and instead dropping through the void. He cracked into something and everything exploded in pain. 

His eyes flung open and he flailed and grappled, trying to grasp anything solid. His sight was spinning and Loki was gasping for air as he tried to orientate himself. It took Loki a moment to realise he was on the bedroom floor with Svadilfari glaring down at him. 

"Can you stop screaming?" Svadilfari grunted, his voice filled with sleep, "I'm trying to sleep."

"Sorry," Loki rasped.

He slowly got up, trying to ignore the throbbing pain from where he had fallen, and was about to get back into bed when Svadilfari stuck out a hand to stop him.

"Go sleep on the sofa." Svadilfari said, "I've had next no sleep this week thanks to you."

Loki stood in the middle of the bedroom, unsure whether to step forward or back. He didn’t want to go into the living room, he wanted to get back into bed but now he was being denied that. The nightmares wouldn’t stop but at least there would be someone next to him, someone to remind him that he had got out and wasn’t still there, but now there would be no one.

"I won't wake you again." Loki promised. 

"No you won't," Svadilfari agreed, "Not from out there."

Svadilfari turned on his side away from him and completely ignored him, leaving Loki stood awkwardly by the bed feeling the cold air brush against his skin. He opened his mouth to argue but he found no words. Loki wanted so badly to curl against him or to hear him lie that everything was going to be okay. He wouldn’t even give him that, not when Loki had managed to wear all his patience away like he always did.

Loki’s throat felt unbearably tight as he left the room to go lie on the sofa. His eyes burned as he tugged the blanket all the way around him but he didn’t let the feeling beat him. Despite the warmth the blanket brought Loki found no comfort in it. The silence of the room was deafening and only highlighted the absence of another in the room.

Loki could feel the blade against his thigh, it was so apparent it felt like it was screaming at him but Loki paid it no attention and instead found comfort in the knowledge that it would be there if he ever changed his mind.

No matter how hard he tried Loki found that he couldn’t go back to sleep. Every time Loki shut his eyes he could see muddled images from his dream and guilt wrapped around his stomach. Loki couldn’t help but curse himself for his situation. If he had more control over himself he could still be in bed right now, if he had just thought about Svadilfari he would have realised the effect he had been having on him but Loki never thought, it was pathetic. He was pathetic. 

Loki curled in on himself as tightly as the sofa would allow and it was then that he realised how much he hated this. It wasn’t just this, he hated everything. Loki caught himself wishing he never left that cell because at least there he knew what to do, he knew what to expect, there was never a doubt of what his day would entail but here, in this apartment he felt trapped in a way four walls  of a cell had never been able to. He felt stuck in a loop of disappointing everyone around him, making everyone so angry, being so selfish, and yet he didn’t know how to break it. Except the way he was scared of.

As the night went on Loki couldn’t stop his mind wandering. He couldn’t block out images of that forest he kept trying to forget and he couldn’t help but catch the sound of hooves in his ears, he couldn’t help but connect the image of Svadilfari with his memory of him.

It was wrong.

It made him everything Svadilfari said he was but he couldn’t forget. Svadilfari might not have done what he said he had, Loki might have been convinced of what had happened that day, but it didn’t make it any less real and it didn’t make it hurt any less.

He tried to sieve through the memories to find the truth in the images but all he saw where moments where he could have fought, where he should have screamed and moments where he should have been strong enough. Loki couldn’t remember if he had kicked out at Svadilfari, he couldn’t remember if the hair in his hands had been an accident and the kisses against his lips were ones he returned. He couldn’t remember anything clearly but there was a horrible feeling in his stomach. He was a fraud.

If he hadn’t wanted Svadilfari he should have fought him, he should have buried his blade deep in his stomach, but he hadn’t and so he couldn’t have been raped. It wasn’t him that had said the word but he had believed it, he had let it become true and so Loki was just to blame for the execution that had happened afterwards.

He had thought he had been so clever, so grownup with all his plans to get Svadilfari and Svadilfari’s Father to do the building with a timeframe that was never long enough, and when they had beaten the odds and were moments from completing the building, he had been so proud when he had come up with the perfect distraction.

It was all him. He had chosen the plan that day. Loki had wanted Svadilfari, he had just been too scared to admit to the All-Father that he had slept with a fire giant. It had been so much easier to agree with everyone that he had been tricked because he really hadn’t known what he was. It was easier than telling the All-Father who he had fallen in love with. The All-Father would have dismissed him and told him he was too young to know what that word meant, the way the All-Father always had when he was that age.

Loki didn’t fight Svadilfari so it couldn’t have been rape and yet there was a feeling and it was a growing every time he couldn’t quite remember the order of events. He couldn’t remember clearly what had happened anymore. Loki didn’t know what parts were truths and which parts were lies. He didn’t trust his mind.

Long after the sun had rose and Svadilfari had gone about his day, his mind remained at battle with itself. With each passing moment his stomach became more and more clenched until Loki wasn’t sure if he was going to be sick or just stop breathing. All he knew was he wanted to run, he wanted to bury himself somewhere dark where he could relax and breathe, but he was surrounded by this apartment that still felt so foreign and wrong.

He needed to get out of here. 

Loki finally spoke, "I can't do this anymore."

Svadilfari's gaze fell on him but he looked away, not wanting to know what he would find there.

"Can't do what?" Svadilfari said slowly. 

Loki shifted, unfolding and folding his hands, before shifting in his seat again when he found himself struggling to keep still.

"This," Loki said, managing to keep his voice level. 

Loki could feel his eyes boring into him and he knew if he looked up to would see a gaze harden to stone but he knew he couldn’t look.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Loki shook his head quickly as his heart painfully skipped a beat. He should have realised how this sounded. It wasn’t that he wanted to break up, more that he was tired of _this_.

“I just need some space,” Loki explained, “I need some time to clear my head, I thought I could go back to home so I could get away from this place for a while.”

Svadilfari folded his arms and Loki heard an unnerving calmness in his voice that seemed moments from shaking, he could see it in the way Svadilfari’s knuckles were turning white.

"Don't lie to me, Loki, you're not half as good at it as you think you are. When you say you need space to _clear your head_ , I know that means you’re not coming back, that's what you're planning aren't you? You’re just too scared to tell me the fucking truth for once in your life."

Loki shifted again and this time he raised his gaze up to Svadilfari and in that moment he felt like he was looking into the fires of Muspelheim itself and he wasn’t sure how he was able to force a reply from his mouth when every cell in his body screamed at him to remain silent.

“I.. you’re right… I just think we need some space right now. I need some space to work out some things. It seems like just yesterday when I was calling you Sean and I need-”

"That's what this is about isn't it!" Svadilfari broke in, his eyes were glistening now, "It’s _me_ , isn't it? You were fine when I was Sean but not now that you know who I really am."

Loki twisted his gaze away, not knowing what to say. This had all been so much easier when he had only been Sean but now everything felt so much more complicated.

"I knew it!" Svadilfari's voice was so much higher now, "I thought you had forgiven me for what happened between us in the past. I didn’t think you were stupid enough to still believe those lies!”

Loki flinched from his tone and said half to himself, "I just need time to get used to it."

"You wanted it! You wanted me!" Svadilfari shouted, "You came to me, it was all part of your plan, wasn’t it? If you distracted me and stopped us finishing the build in time no one would have to pay us. That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?

Loki felt his throat ceasing up and words were hard to find.

“Wasn’t it?” Svadilfari almost screamed when he didn’t reply.

"It stopped you and your Father finishing in time, didn't it?" Loki said to the ground, his hands shaking.

“My Father is dead because of you and your fucking family,” Svadilfari was closer now, “I would have been killed too if I had let it. Shouldn't it be me who has to forgive you? You distracted me and now my Father is dead but no you’re the victim in this. You’re the one who got raped, right?”

“Svad-”

“You just have to be the centre of attention, don’t you?” Svadilfari snarled, cutting him off, “I was nearly killed because of those lies. Is it easier? Does it help you sleep better at night telling yourself that I raped you rather than the truth?”

Loki could almost feel his hot breath against his skin.

“You are not the victim in this. Don’t blame me because you decided to whore yourself out for Asgard.” His voice dropped to a whisper but there was nothing soft about it, “You got Sleipnir out of it, didn’t you?"

Loki stared at him as each of his words rolled and crashed over him. He knew if he said one wrong word and he would regret it, really regret it this time.

"You took my son from me," Svadilfari said through his teeth, “Gave him away like he was _nothing_.” 

"I didn't!" Loki protested, finding his voice, "Odin took him, that wasn’t me!"

"If you had stayed with me none of this would have happened!" Svadilfari shouted.

“How could I?” Loki shivered, staring at his hands, “You weren’t there and they kept saying.. they said what happened between us was wrong. I remember trying-“

“You never said no, not once.” Svadilfari spat, "Your memory is twisted!"

"No it isn't!" Loki threw himself up onto his feet.

Loki went to leave but Svadilfari grabbed his arms painfully tight and dragged him forward. His face was inches from his own, his lips drawn back into a snarl.

"You can play the victim game all you want,” Svadilfari spat, his grip so tight Loki was scared he was going to break his arms, “But I know the truth. You used me, _you_ got my Father killed and you threw our child away. You’re hiding behind your convenient lies, ruining my family’s name because you Asgardians are a bunch of fucking racists!”

Svadilfari shook him, nearly knocking him off his feet, as he continued,  “And now after everything I’ve forgiven, after everything I’ve fucking done for you, you’re just going to walk out on me like I mean nothing to you!”

Svadilfari’s eyes seemed to be glowing all Loki could do was squeeze his eyes shut as he begged, “Just let me have a couple of days, I’m not-”

Svadilfari jerked back, finally relinquishing hold of him.

"No!" Svadilfari cried, "You are not going to do this to me, I won’t let you! Without you, I have no one.”

There was a pause between them and yet it didn’t feel like silence, not when Loki could hear how fast Svadilfari was breathing or how Loki could have sworn his own heartbeat was audible.

Svadilfari’s voice was shaking now, "When I was Sean did you love me?"

Loki hesitated, "I..."

"Did you love me?" Svadilfari voice quivered. 

Loki buried his face in his hands, swallowing hard as he fought the urge to drop to the ground.

"Tell me!" Svadilfari screeched, ripping his hands away from his face to force him to look.

Svadilfari’s eyes glistened with unshed tear, “Was this all a lie?” He whispered, his voice now hoarse, “Did you ever love me?”

Loki felt his throat tighten as he whispered, "Yes, of course I do. How could I not?”

"Then don't do this to us.” Svadilfari grabbed him desperately,  “I've forgiven you for the past and you have done worse things than I ever have. I know you know deep down I didn’t do what the All-Father said I did but it’s okay we will figure this out. You loved Sean and we are one and the same."

"It’s different..."

"No, it really isn't." Svadilfari said, hands wrapping around the back of his neck as his fingers slipped into his hair to grip it tightly, "You are everything to me, Loki, without you there is nothing to live for. "

Loki felt his stomach drop but he could do nothing but stare back into Svadilfari’s unbreaking gaze.

“If you leave me,” Svadilfari said, “I will kill myself.”

Loki felt himself crumbling inside at the words. He could feel his eyes burning as he realised what he had caused, what he was doing. Loki slowly rested his forehead against Svadilfari’s in defeat.

"No.." Loki whispered, "Don't say that, you don't need me to live."

“Despite what you might think, I love you.” Svadilfari said, “I have loved you since the moment I set my eyes on you. I don't want to live in a world that you're not with me, I _won't_ live in it.”

Loki ducked his head down as he felt something wet spill down his cheek. He only wanted a couple of days to clear his head, he didn’t want Svadilfari dead. The last thing Loki wanted was more blood on his hands.

Loki felt fingers in his hair as Svadilfari pleaded, "Please say you won't go. I can’t live without you."

Loki took in a shaky breath as he buried his head into his shoulder. If Loki ever left Svadilfari would kill himself and it would be all his fault. He would be Svadilfari’s murder. He could never leave, he couldn’t be the cause of this, not someone like Svadilfari who deserved so much better. Svadilfari couldn’t cut himself off from Valhalla or Fólkvangr.

"I won't go, Svadilfari." Loki said, the words tasting heavy in his mouth. 

Then suddenly Loki was being pulled down and he was surrounded by Svadilfari. Loki wouldn’t break up with him, he couldn’t, not even if he wanted to.

They lay there, Svadilfari half on top of him just as he was half on him and Svadilfari held him as if letting go would mean he would vanish. Svadilfari’s fingers slowly running through his hair and gradually relaxed him despite the clenching in his stomach that still remained.

It was then Loki realised he was stuck. He was trapped. Loki was never getting out of this relationship and Loki wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing, only that it was another restraint. It felt like Svadilfari’s life hung over him and one wrong move would send everything crashing to the ground. Surely he couldn’t mean enough to someone that they would resort to killing themselves. This was wrong. 

They didn't leave the sofa all day. Loki tried to give his apologises but Svadilfari wouldn’t have any of it. Instead Loki found himself half on his lap silently watching him play some game on the TV that involved building with blocks, only for some strange green block creature that looked like a zombie or revenant to come and destroy everything. The visual quality of the game was seriously lacking but Loki didn’t think Svadilfari would appreciate his commentary and he was more content in accepting his company, even if it was distracted by the TV screen.

After dinner, Svadilfari dragged him into their bed, their clothes dropped around them as they desperately tried to find friction. There was no words, only Svadilfari lips against his.

When they finally fell into one another it was like finally coming home. They fitted together perfectly, each movement becoming more frantic but they weren’t racing to the end but rather savouring each touch like it might be the last.

Loki became lost in the pleasure of the caresses, of the friction and of the slowly building pressure. Loki didn't even hold back the sound as he was finally hit with waves of pleasure, shuddering and moaning, sensing somewhere in the back of his mind that Svadilfari followed shortly after. 

They lay against each other, basking in the aftermath and the warm buzz until sleep took them but for Loki that didn’t happen. Instead Loki lay his eyes at the ceiling with Svadilfari half wound around him with a deep wrongness seeping into him.

There it was again, a feeling dragging him down. It made his limbs feel heavy and trapped under the surface of his skin, so close Loki wanted to sink a knife into his flesh to carve it out. He wanted to escape this feeling that nowhere he went since his banishment could cure but it was only made worse in this apartment, it only seemed to pull and drag him harder. Loki knew if he could just get out of here, go home for a while, and clear his head then this feeling might leave.

Loki shouldn’t have been surprised. Svadilfari hated him going anywhere where he wasn’t, he liked to keep him safe and yet right now it felt like being trapped, it felt like he couldn’t breathe. As long as he was with Svadilfari he would have to tell him where he was going and accept it if Svadilfari told him he couldn’t. There was no way out of this because he couldn’t ask for space or sometime apart, not without the worry that Svadilfari might kill himself.

He was never going to get out of this.

Loki stared at his arms that had become a black and purple map of bruises, he could almost see Svadilfari’s hands making claim along his whole arm, and yet it wasn’t a surprise, Loki had long lost count how many times he had gone to sleep with his body in bruises.

There was no denying the natural order, Svadilfari _would_ get angry again and he probably would hit him again, it was inevitable. Svadilfari promised after each time that he would never lay a hand on him again but Loki knew that wasn’t true, Svadilfari would keep going and he couldn't blame because if he was dating him, he'd probably beat him too. He would call him worse things than what Svadilfari did. He deserved everything he got and so much worse. It was him that got Svadilfari angry, if he could just control his mouth or think about what he was doing then maybe Svadilfari wouldn’t hurt him.

Despite all this, there was a small part of him that wanted this over. He wanted to get away from the fear, pain and the constant roller-coaster of emotions, trying to countdown to when the next time Svadilfari lost his temper. Loki wanted to be free of this trapped feeling, knowing he could never leave Svadilfari, he couldn’t go anywhere.

Loki wanted to be free of everything and yet he could escape, he could see clearly in his mind’s eye how easily he could end it all. He would even be able to free Svadilfari too, no longer would he have to apologise or put up with him.

The day blurred into one as Loki was consumed by a singled thought. It clung so clearly in his mind that he knew this was it, he wouldn’t back down. Loki didn’t remember what he did, what he ate or said. It was as if he blinked and Svadilfari was kissing him goodnight, leaving Loki laying in the darkness wondering how much he would hate him when he woke up. Loki knew when Svadilfari gave it thought he would know Loki had done the right thing, he knew Svadilfari would be happier.

Loki slid out of bed and quietly dressed, leaving the door slightly ajar as he left. Walking through the building felt like the longest walk in his life. Loki felt each step of the stairs as he climbed up and up, he ignored any doubt, and kept climbing higher until the stairs ran out but even then Loki did not turn back.

At the top, Loki pushed open the door and was relieved when it swung open effortlessly. Loki stepped out into the open and was immediately hit by the cold night air. A wind whipped around him, caressing his hair and running against his skin with its icy touch. 

Loki took each step slowly, his footsteps felt heavy as his boots echoed on the ground. Loki reached the edge and stopped, looking down from the very top of Stark Tower. Beneath Loki could see the other skyscrapers hanging underneath, most were dwarfed by the Tower, but what caught his attention was that below him seemed to be miles and miles of open air before he could even attempt to make out the ground. It was a stomach dropping height but being so close to the drop brought an odd buzz to the back of his stomach and rather than fear there was an strange calmness that set into his bones.

Loki took a step back from the edge and stared up at the sky. The stars were lost behind the city lights and Loki wished he could see them rather than the deep darkness above. Even up here as high as he was Loki could have sworn he could hear car horns in the distance, the city’s chatter that never ended no matter what time of day. New York was forever talking and moving, it stood still for no one. Everyone below him was wrapped up in their own lives, a mass of anonymous faces and voices shouting out into the dark, whilst he stood on what felt like the top of the world where no one would look up and see him. 

Loki drew his knife out. It shone in the night and glinted dangerously as if it was grinning at him, waiting hungrily for what came next. This time he didn’t raise his blade up, he didn’t hold it to his throat because even now Loki knew that he wouldn’t be able to do it that way.

Instead Loki did what he had done a hundred or even a thousand times, he brought the blade down onto his palm and carefully carved a rune into his flesh. Blood welled up and dripped down but Loki ignored it to bring the carving up to the crystal of the blade and he closed his eyes against the uncomfortable feeling. If he opened his eyes Loki knew he would see the crystal was glowing brightly whilst drawing his magic from him. Loki could feel the pull of the crystal and it felt as if he had sliced himself open to let all his blood seep out to be replaced drop by drop with acid. Loki knew this familiar burn. It was something he had felt over and over again, something Loki had done to survive and now was perverting.

As the blade took more and more of himself, Loki had to constantly concentrate on not pulling his hand away to save himself from losing the little magic he had. Somehow he managed to hold on until his legs began to shake under the strain of the draining and only then did he let go.

Loki slid the knife away with a bitter smile that no one would see. The blade seemed heavier in his pocket despite the impossibility of it, the blade weighted the same it had the day Frigga had crafted it. The only difference now was that the blade held the last of the magic he could muster, this was the closest moment he had ever been to standing with mortality but this was the way he wanted it, it was the way it had to be.

Loki stepped out onto the edge until his toes were hanging over the edge of the Tower. The wind blew around him, pushing and shoving at him, daring him. 

Loki stared down below him at the miles of window and stream of cars. The drop seemed so much bigger now when he was almost hanging over the edge.

The drop had a force of its own. Loki could hear it singing to him the way a siren calls a sailor to wreck his ship. He couldn’t help but inch one of his feet closer. His heart was beating dangerously fast in his chest and yet he felt calm. Loki was the calmest he had ever felt in his life. It was just him and the open air below him. 

Loki could feel how trapped he was inside as he rotted away. There was a feeling eating away at him and sapping all his energy. A feeling that had no reason, no beginning or end, he didn’t know what caused it, only that he wanted it to stop.

There were too many thoughts clashing around his head that he just wanted to stop. He wanted everything to stop. He wanted a moment of peace.

Loki stretched his arms out either side of him and looked straight ahead of him because looking at the ground wasn't important anymore. The ground wouldn’t go anywhere but if he looked at it too long he might step back and he couldn’t be a coward anymore. 

Loki was going to free everyone. Svadilfari would find someone better, Thor wouldn't have to pretend to care anymore, and he would finally stop disappointing everyone. He would be free.

Loki would be free of this feeling inside of him, the feeling of confusion and guilt. It didn’t matter anymore if he couldn’t remember what had happened between him and Svadilfari all those years ago. He wouldn’t have to blame Svadilfari for taking a part of him, he wouldn’t have to forgive him for the way everything changed. It had been the day he learned that no one would ever treat him the same again. He would always be argr. He would always be the one who hadn’t been strong enough to fight back. He had wanted it.

Loki wouldn’t have to blame himself for believing the All-Father’s lies and he wouldn’t have to ask Svadilfari for forgiveness. He wouldn’t have to hate himself when he couldn’t stop the false memories having a grip on the present. He wanted to love Svadilfari and forget that horrible feeling in his stomach when he woke up with memories, that he knew weren’t real and were just Asgard’s lies, but sometimes caught himself wondering why they felt so real.

Loki wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. Doom wouldn’t be able to touch him ever again and he wouldn’t be able to take him back to the white room. Svadilfari wouldn’t be able to hit him anymore or control where he could and couldn’t go. Loki wouldn’t be exhausted as he tried his best not to make Svadilfari angry but inevitably failed.

Everything was his fault. He was unable to let go, he was unable to forgive and he was unable to be what Svadilfari wanted him to be. Loki was never what anyone wanted him to be but now it didn’t matter.

Loki smiled even as his eyes began to burn. It was time to forget. 

_"Loki!"_

This time Loki was going was going to escape every restraint that held him down. There was only so long he could be confined and now Loki would be free.

Without looking at the pavement below, Loki took a step forward and fell from the top of the Tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally meant to be longer but I've kind of cut this chapter in half and saved the next part for the next chapter as I wanted you all to have the next chapter within a reasonable time and also when I was first writing this it was supposed to cut off at the moment, plus I love my cliff-hangers! 
> 
> Please let me know what you think?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience with my editing. Would you believe my subscription for Word ran out? (Got it back now) and editing such a long chapter was.. interesting.
> 
> Anyhow enjoy

It took Loki a moment to register the feeling of having no ground beneath his feet. His stomach left his body. His hair whipped around him as buildings rushed past him one by one.

There was something euphoric about falling so fast. It was ironic, in this moment Loki had never felt so alive. There was a finality to it all, knowing in a couple of seconds he would never feel again.

Loki braced himself for impact and wondered if he would feel it when he struck the ground. From this height Loki only hoped he died instantly, if the Norns could at least give him that, he didn’t care what remained of his body.  

A sharp pain hit him so hard that his eyes flew open. A cry spilled from his lips. His sight was blurred but when the pain vanished and his eyes came into focus he realised the ground was moving away from him. Loki wasn't falling anymore. He was rising.

Tight around his waist were red metal arms that were dragging him upwards. They were taking him from freedom and robbing him of relief as they took him further and further away from the pavement.

Loki let out a screech and started twisting in the hard grip, clawing at the metal arm in an attempt to release himself from its hold. Loki kicked and threw himself side to side, even elbowing the red suit in the face, but no matter what Loki did he couldn’t get free.

They shot back into the building, through an open window and onto solid ground. In the landing, Loki managed to slip from his grasp and instantly made a run for the edge. Loki was a foot away from jumping when he was tackled over onto the ground.  His legs became pinned under the weight of metal as he was dragged back into the building. He fought under the grip but this time he couldn’t get free.

"Loki, stop it!" Stark shouted through his speakers. 

Loki could only let out animal cry in response, it was half between a screech and a sob, as he struggled against the iron grip. Loki couldn't let Stark stop him from completing this when he had been so close. He couldn't fail at this again. He should have died when he dropped into the void, just as he should have died when he had jumped from the top of this building. There had to be one thing he could do right in this world.

Loki grabbed his knife and raised it up.

"Bruce!" Stark screamed.

Loki slashed the blade across his throat and pain shot through him. Instead of finding his throat cut open, Loki found his wrists slammed to the ground and the blade torn from his grasp.

Loki wanted to die. Why wouldn't they let him die? None of this made any sense.

Loki struggled against their grip, trying to kick out or punch them, but they gave him no slack. Loki felt trapped under their grip, he was being restrained to the ground and there was nothing he could do about it. Loki wasn’t in control of anything anymore. The moment he had been fully in control had been when he had jumped and now he didn’t even have that. So despite how strong their grip was he still continued to struggle because if he could just break free, he would be in control of his life, he would be able to end this.

“Farðu af mér!” Loki snarled.

His eyes were burning and his throat was becoming so tight that he was sure he was going to choke. Loki sagged against the ground, his breath coming out ragged when he couldn’t fight them anymore. It was all pointless. Loki had failed and now they knew it.

There would be no relief. This feeling inside him wasn’t going away, it was going to eat away at him until there was nothing left of him and he was powerless to stop it.

Their grip loosened and for a moment he just sat there, the ground cold beneath him, with his nails digging in so deeply he knew it should hurt. But then Loki was slowly pulling himself to his feet, with Stark’s hand still wrapped around his wrist, and he found himself standing when all he wanted to do was fall. 

"Jarvis." Stark murmured and without needing to say more the door to the outside slid close with a whirl and click, his means of escape cut off from him. 

Stark dragged him across the room and Loki didn’t resist, he couldn’t see the point in it so he let himself fall back onto the sofa he was lead to without resistance. Loki buried his face in his hands for a moment as he tried to pull his thoughts together but was only met with numbness, it was an overwhelming feeling that kept building up inside him to such a painful intensity that all he wanted to do was scream and yet right now he couldn’t even cry or utter a word.

Loki watched them move around him, feeling more like an observer than an active participant in what was unfolding. Stark’s armour pulled away and Loki was met with his expression, it wasn't filled with anger or pity, it was instead void of any emotion, except his eyes which revealed more than Loki wanted to see. His body may have look relaxed but Loki could spot the tension running through Stark’s body.

Banner was different, his tension was obvious, Loki could see how taunt each part of his body was. His brows were pulled together as he kept compulsively pushing his glasses up his nose. Banner was stood rigid in the middle of the room, his eyes falling to where Stark had put his knife on the bar before quickly moving to watch Stark pace up and down.

"Tony, what's going on?" Banner said. 

Stark stared at Banner and Loki saw the mask he had carefully craft was slipping. 

"He jumped." Stark said, "Loki fucking _jumped._ "

Loki winced and wished he could bury himself deep into the ground but right now it was taking all of him to stop the burning in his eyes from turning into something else. He couldn’t show them how weak and pathetic he really was, not after what Stark had witnessed.

Loki watched as Banner hesitated, his fingers twitching. Banner seemed to be struggling to find the right words but when he finally spoke his words were calm, "I'm not following.."

"I just stopped Loki from jumping off the top of my tower!" Stark's voice cracked, "I saw him step off… and he…" 

“Tony-”

“He was trying to kill himself, Bruce!” Stark seemed to be gripping onto Banner for support at this point, “He would have been dead if I hadn’t… and it would have been my fault...”

Banner rested his hand on his shoulder and Stark fell silent, leaning into the gesture. Loki wasn’t sure that Stark was even aware that he was doing it. Banner’s lips were moving but Loki couldn’t catch the words.

Loki stared at the ground as he felt Banner’s gaze turn on him. Loki was past the point of crying but he knew if he did he would never stop. It felt like everyone was staring at him. It was like he had been stripped bare and there was nothing to cover himself with. There was no way to hide what he had done, what he had tried to do. He was weak. He was a coward, instead of fighting, he had given up. He was pathetic.

“Stop it.” Loki said, it sounded more like a plea rather than the demand he had wanted it to be.

“Loki...”

Loki could swear he saw the pity in Stark’s eyes. He didn’t want it, he didn’t need it, he hated it. He avoided his gaze and instead stared at the ground, wanting so badly to wrap his arms around himself, to close his eyes, and never wake up again.

“Why?” Loki asked, his voice shaking.

Stark’s head jerked, "What?"

“Why did you do this?” Loki asked through his teeth as he clenched his fists until it hurt, “You must hate me. You won’t even let me die… I just wanted this all over.”

Loki could feel a lump forming in his throat but swallowed wouldn’t dissipate it. He took a shaky breath when all Stark did was stare with his lips slightly parted.

“I wouldn’t have been a burden anymore, I would have been out of the way. After everything I’ve done, surely you would have wanted that?” Loki felt a surge in him and suddenly found himself raising his voice, “You had _no right!_ You had no right to stop me, I didn’t ask for your interference or your pity, you’ve ruined everything!”

Stark flinched but Loki didn’t know why sure why. Banner pinched the bridge of his nose but didn’t react in any other way. 

"I wasn't trying to stop you," Stark said, "I was saving you. I’m not going to let you do something you’ll regret."

"Save me?" Loki dug his nails deep into his palm, "You took away my only option. I have nothing now, don’t you see? It was all I had left but now I’m…”   _stuck. I’m trapped. Why would you do this to me?_

"This.. _this_ is not the answer." Stark grabbed hold of his sleeve, "It is never the answer."

“You don't know what you’re talking about!” Loki snapped, “You understand nothing. All you care about is your heroics, you’re just like the others. I don’t want to be saved!”

Loki yanked his arm away but Stark refused to let go of his sleeve and instead held on like a twisted version of tug of war. Loki pulled as hard as he could but Stark wouldn’t let go. Loki gave one swift tug to try and force himself free but all he succeeded at was jerking his sleeve up his forearm. 

Stark’s eyes shot wide open. A look of horror froze over his face as his eyes fell across his bare arm. Loki’s heart jumped into his throat but there was little he could do when Stark dragged him forward. Manhandling him, Stark half pinned him whilst he yanked his sleeve all the way up.

"What the fuck are these?" Stark gaped. 

Loki jerked away, like Stark had thrown hot water over him, and pulled his sleeve safely down. 

"Maybe _Doctor Banner_ should be more careful in future," Loki lied over his racing heart. 

"No. No!" Stark hissed.

Then Loki found himself being pushed back, his shoulders restrained, his sleeves pulled up to reveal the skin beneath. Loki squirmed and yelled at him to get off him but Loki was aware it was already too late because what was seen couldn’t be unseen.  His flesh was laid bare and there was no way Loki could hide it. He was unravelling, the last string snapping as his flesh was laid bare for them all to see.

Loki stilled under Stark’s rough hands. The two men were staring at him with a mixture of emotions Loki couldn’t quite place. He thought he saw disgust or horror but all he knew was they shouldn’t see this, this was bad. No one was supposed to see this but there was no denying what lay across his skin.

Around his wrists there was obvious handprint bruises still dark purple and fresh but along the rest of his arms it was less obvious, there were green, yellow bruises scattered along them. The faded bruises resembled hands, Loki could still make out Svadilfari’s fingers from where he had gripped him so hard Loki had been so scared he’d break his arm. Bruises were littering his skin. Even as he pulled his sleeves back into place he knew Stark had seen too much. 

"Bruce did not cause that." Stark said, his voice turning to ice.

"How can you-"

"Stop it!" Stark snapped.

Loki flinched. Emotions flooded across Stark’s face and Loki could have sworn he was moments away from uttering an apology when his face became hard and words boiled out, "Stop with these stupid excuses, these lies. It wasn't Bruce, you know that and I know that." 

"Tony.." Banner said, putting his hand on Stark’s shoulder but Stark shrugged it off. 

"You can see it, Bruce, I know you can see it.” Stark said, "I'm sick of pretending I can't see it."

Stark's face looked split in half, like someone had torn him wide open and now he didn’t know how to close himself up again. Loki had seen wild eyes like those before and it scared him. He had really messed up this time. This was all his fault.

"I never had enough evidence. I kept convincing myself that I was being paranoid but I was stupid, I should have stepped in sooner." Stark took in a gulp, and if it was shaky no one pointed it out, "I should have said something before you felt like you had nowhere else to turn except to.. to jump." Stark paused to compose himself, "I can't ignore this any longer."

"I don't know what you think you're seeing," Loki started.

All it took was Stark waved his hand to silence him. He was left with his silenced tongue to watch everything spiral away from him. This was getting out of control but Loki didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t want Stark to know, he didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t want them to see how weak he was and he didn’t want Stark to turn away. Loki didn’t know what he wanted anymore.

"Did you think I wouldn’t notice? I saw all of those bruises, Loki, followed with excuses that never matched any of them! Clint punched you and yet your face looked like it had been kicked in."

Stark seemed to grind his teeth, attempting to steady his voice with little success. Loki couldn't tell if the man was going to shout or cry but it made him lean back, it made him want to look down and make himself smaller because the small he looked less he got hurt.

"I don't think I've ever seen you without bruises. They're always there. When I came to your house you were covered in them. You don’t get bruises around your neck from a building collapse and you don’t threaten someone with a knife for asking about them. I'm not stupid, I’m a freaking genius, I can make the connections."

Stark rubbed his face with his hands and let out a laugh but without its usual charm it sounded flat, "I've seen the way Sean looks at you."

"What are you trying to say?" Banner broke in, his gaze flitting between the two of them. 

“You saw those hand marks. I think you know.” Stark let out a sigh, almost deflating as he half muttered, “Fuck. Fuck. I should have done something earlier.”

Banner seemed to sway, the edges of his skin going a tinted green, before sitting down on the sofa opposite him. Banner took his glasses off and started cleaning them on his shirt and for a moment the room was deafly quiet apart from Stark’s almost ragged breath. It felt worse now that no one was talking, he was left with the silence in his head, where normally there were millions of plans rushing through his mind but instead there was a white blankness as his heart shuddered in his chest. 

Banner slid his glasses back on and leant forward, "Loki," He said carefully, "How did you get those bruises?"

Loki stared at him. His mind was blank. Every single lie that he held in his mind was gone and his words had left him. All he could see was Banner waiting calmly, whilst Stark stood stiff, his whole body ready to strike, and yet even when he saw only patience in Banner’s eyes, Loki couldn’t think how to answer. The truth was too heavy in his mouth and it would mean the end. Then he would have nothing. Lies were all he had but even they had abandoned him.

_Everyone is going to abandon you._

Loki felt his breath become trapped in his throat. This was all wrong. He was so pathetic. This was all his fault, he should never have tried to jump off this building instead he should have gone to bed and carried on with his life. He was so stupid.

“Loki,” Stark said, “Does Sean hit you?”

Loki felt cold. The words hadn’t come out of the blue but he still felt them like a sharp slap across the face. It was the directness of them, there was no side stepping around the issue, there was no chance Stark had come to a different conclusion of what the bruises meant. Hearing those words out loud made it real all of a sudden. He knew it was real but it had been private, it had only been him who had to look at the bruises. It had been his secret. The bruises had been words against his skin telling him he was never good enough, reminding him how he could never do anything right, No one else was supposed to read them.

Loki felt the urge to duck his head. He couldn’t face them because if they knew he had let his partner beat him and done nothing to stop him, he would be lesser in their eyes than the moment he had jumped off the Tower.

In a way Loki had never stopped falling from that building. His status seemed to be dropping and dropping. Soon they would know how much Svadilfari had to put up with. If he could be good enough, Svadilfari wouldn’t have to hit him, he did it to help him be a better person. Svadilfari couldn’t help his temper. It was his fault.

Loki swallowed and looked Banner in the eye, "No." He said firmly. 

Stark sat down, letting out a tiny sigh, and an expression slipped onto his face that Loki had never seen before. This Stark looked old.

"You do realise Jarvis has cameras all through this Tower," Stark said slowly, tapping his fingers on the arm of the sofa, "He keeps everything confidential but…"

Stark trailed off and looked at him but all Loki could do was stare back. He knew there were cameras everywhere. He had known but…

"We're not going to get mad," Banner reassured him. 

That wasn't what Loki was worried about. He didn't want them to know and he didn’t want to talk about it but most of all he didn’t want them to see. Jarvis _knew_. Jarvis had _seen_.

"Do you want me to ask him?" Stark asked. 

Loki dropped his head, blocking his face behind a curtain of his hair. Loki shook his head in reply because he didn’t trust his voice to remain steady. 

Loki didn't want them to know about this. They would know how pathetic he was. They would know Svadilfari deserved someone better than him otherwise he wouldn't have- There was a hand on his leg. Loki couldn’t hide his surprise when he saw it was Stark looking back at him.

"Did Sean give you those bruises, Lokes?" Stark asked softly. 

Loki stared down at the ground as he searched his mind for any excuse, anything that would be viable. He could continue to deny it but there would be footage and somehow that was worse. 

"Sean didn't do this," Loki said before he even knew what he was saying, "I just had a bad fall, that's all."

"You fell?" Bruce repeated, his eyebrows might as well have disappeared into his eye line. 

Stark narrowed his eyes, "If you fell why are you hiding the bruises?"

"I wasn't-"

"Let's see them again then."

Stark took a step forward to grab his sleeve but Loki scrambled backwards across the sofa. He tried to keep his face void as he tried to think a reason but he hadn’t planned for this, there was no lie he had prepared. His mind was jumbled and he couldn't think properly, except that he couldn't let them know. He couldn't let them find out. 

Stark stopped. He sank into the seat opposite with a sigh, seeming to have ceased trying to grab him. Yet Loki still remained on the far end of the sofa, as far away as he could manage from the man.

"We're trying to help," Stark said softly, "I can just ask Jarvis but I thought it would be better if it came from you." Stark ran hand through his hair, "Sean did that to you, didn't he?"

Loki stiffened. He’d been so stupid. Jarvis knew.

Loki should never have stayed here, he should have stayed home with Svadilfari where he was happy and everything stayed exactly how it should be. If he had been there then no one would have known. There would have been no need to explain himself. There would have been no need to explain how he had let this happen or how if he could control himself Svadilfari wouldn’t have to do any of this.  

They were acting like this was some sort of big secret but what had happened between him and Svadilfari wasn't that bad. Loki knew that a lot of people had it a lot worse. This was attention seeking, just another reason why he would never be good enough.

Svadilfari didn't hurt him that often. He just had a temper and Loki just made it worse. None of this was Svadilfari’s fault, Stark would see that. They had to see that.

“Do you want to ask Jarvis-”

It was a threat. The start of one.

Then everything clicked into place. There was no need for threats, no need to force the information out of someone, if the information was already known. Threats were often bluffs.

Loki felt a rush of relief wash over him and it felt like he could breathe again. Jarvis couldn’t possibly know. If Jarvis did then Stark would know too but if he was threatening him then it was clear he didn’t. Stark was fishing, threatening, hoping to scare the information out of him. Loki knew better than that.

Stark spoke of confidentiality but that wasn’t true. The whole point Loki had moved here in the first place was for protection, Jarvis was supposed to be watching to keep him safe, and yet Jarvis had never protected him. Jarvis hadn’t reported Doom’s robots because he hadn’t been able to see them. Jarvis didn’t say a word when Loki had sat with a knife to his throat. Jarvis hadn’t said a word when Svadilfari had hit him or hurt him. If Jarvis had known surely he would have raised concern. 

Loki paused.

Jarvis would have heard how there was no “Sean” and would have heard their arguments and known he was an enemy of Asgard, yet Stark had mentioned none of this. Jarvis should be loyal to his maker, he wouldn’t have sat on the information that there was someone hiding in their midst. Jarvis surely would have reported this threat, confidentiality be damned.

Unless Jarvis hadn’t said anything because he really hadn’t seen anything. Loki knew how clever Svadilfari could be. Svadilfari had magic and with magic there were always ways around watchful eyes. After all Loki had spent most of his life hiding from Heimdall’s sight and it was more than probable that Svadilfari had done the same with Jarvis. Stark had nothing.

“You won’t get Jarvis to do a thing.” Loki said, sitting up straighter, “You can threaten me all you like but Jarvis hasn’t seen anything, has he?”

Stark hesitated. A spark of surprise entered Stark’s eyes but even as it faded there was no denying he had seen it.

“Otherwise Jarvis would have s..” Loki swallowed his words quickly and changed them, “You told me Jarvis was fixed but you’re lying. You have no evidence, Jarvis hasn’t seen a thing.”

Stark mouth opened and closed. Loki should have felt pleased at managing to silence a man known for his inability to shut up but he didn’t feel an inch of satisfaction.

“If Jarvis had, you wouldn’t be having this conversation with me. You would _know_ if Sean had ever laid a hand on me.”

“You don’t know that.” Stark tried.

“The whole point of me moving here was for my protection. Jarvis is supposed to see everything, according to you, so why wouldn’t he tell you if someone was hurting me? Tell me, what did he see?”

“It’s confidential-”

“Even if I’m in danger?” Loki said.

“Well...” Stark stared to say.

“Stop lying to me, you’re not half as good at it as you think you are.”

Loki flinched inside at the familiar words ringing through his head but this time with a different voice, a different argument.

_My Father is dead because of you._

Loki grimaced.

Banner was staring at Stark, “If the others find out Jarvis isn’t-”

“Bruce!” Stark broke in, waving at Banner in an attempt to silence the man but the damage was already done.

“So it’s true, Jarvis hasn’t seen a thing,” Loki crossed his arms, “Because he’s still broken. You haven’t fixed him yet, have you?”

“I have!” Stark said

Stark looked defensive but Banner shot him a look that caused his shoulders to drop.

“I mean, I did,” Stark admitted, “There’s a couple of bugs... some problems… with the cameras but I have theories to test, I’m not far from fixing it.”

Loki clenched his teeth and rose to his feet.

“I knew it.” Loki spat.

Then Loki turned to leave them to their stupid theories and assumption but Stark grabbed hold of him.

“No.” Stark tightened his grip with an odd intensity to his eyes, “You’re doing it again. You can’t avoiding this by distracting me. I might not have any video evidence but I don’t need it when it’s written all over your fucking arms.”

“Get off me.” Loki demanded.

Loki tried to rip himself free from his grip but Stark only held his arms tighter until it became a vice like grip and only then did he tear his sleeve back up. Loki found himself unable to stop himself staring down at his bruises again. There was no hiding from the ugly purples and yellows that seemed to spread across his skin like an infection.

“You don’t get this from falling,” Stark said firmly, “You don’t even get this from walking into something,” He jabbed his finger at the largest, “Don’t you dare try and tell me that this isn’t a hand mark. I don’t need footage to prove someone has touched you.”

“I’m not lying,” Loki said, desperately trying to pull himself free.

“Yes, you are!” Stark suddenly shouted.

Loki flinched. His eyes pricked with tears and Loki tried to tear himself away but couldn’t, instead he was faced with the sight of Svadilfari’s hands all over his skin in the form of large hideous bruises.

Stark’s grip was so tight at this point that it was starting to hurt. It felt confining. Loki couldn’t move away instead Loki was trapped under Stark’s grip, whilst he was forced to watch Stark’s face slowly fill with anger. Loki found himself struggling to breathe under the weight of it all.

“You’re hurting me.” Loki choked out.

The grip suddenly vanished and Loki found himself stepping back, half falling back to the safely of the sofa. He wiped furiously at his eyes, clenching his teeth until it physically hurt because at least then he had something else to focus on.

He could hear Stark apologising but he wasn’t really sure why. All Loki could focus on was the way his heart was pounding in his chest and the way he had been so convinced about what had been about to happen next. His whole body had been tensed and now there was nothing. Instead he realised he wasn’t getting out of this conversation with them, they weren’t going to let him lie his way around the bruises. Surely it would be easier for them to just agree with him. It was none of their business what happened in his relationship.

When he finally looked up he found Banner looking at him with a serious expression he didn’t think he had ever seen before. In some ways there was something more intimidating about that look than Stark’s anger.

“You didn’t get those from falling.” Banner said.

Banner it said in such a way that it sounded more like he was stating a fact than asking. Banner didn’t say a word more, simply stared at him, as if waiting for him to respond.

For a long moment Loki let the silence swallow him and settle in the air until it was stagnant and restricting, only then did he feel his mouth move by its own accord to fill the uncomfortable silence.

“No.” Loki admitted.

The rest of his words, the excuses, the lies and explanation, were trapped in his throat. They would have explained away his confession and made sure everything fell back to the past and ensure everything remained the same. Instead his tongue stilled.

"What about the other bruises?" Banner asked softly, looking at him from over his glasses. His face was neutral but his eyes held an odd green colour.

“They...” Loki struggled to find the words.

He could feel an odd panic swirling around his stomach. He tried to find a way to explain it away. There had to be a way to stop the questions.

“Did Sean hurt you?”

Loki winced, his hands shaking despite how hard he was clenching them.

“He didn’t mean to,” Loki blurt out.

Stark made an unusual noise but Banner didn’t even blink, he simply gave him a questioning look.

“It’s not his fault,” Loki explained, trying to look straight at Banner but barely managing, "I... can be irritating… I’m not the easiest person to live with so Sean sometimes gets angry with me but he doesn’t mean to. " He let out a little laugh that seemed completely inappropriate but he couldn’t stop himself, “It’s nothing. I’m sure every Midgardian couple has their moments.”

"Does he lose his temper often?" Banner asked, not skipping a beat. 

“Not really,” Loki shrugged, “Sometimes, I suppose, but that isn’t unusual.”

Stark stood up so abruptly that Loki struggled not to startle. Stark’s fists were so tight that Loki was convinced his knuckles were going to burst through his skin

"I’m going to kill him-"

"Tony." Banner cut him off sharply.

Stark scowled, “Fine. But he leaves right now.”

Loki could have sworn his heart stopped. It felt as if something had been stabbed right through him. Stark couldn’t do this to him, not when Svadilfari didn’t deserve this. Loki had opened his mouth and once again screwed things up.  

"You can't," Loki said, throwing himself to his feet, “He hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“Have you seen your arms?” Stark threw back, his face twisting, “I’m not going stand here and let him hurt you anymore.”

“He doesn’t hurt me, it was an accident!” Loki said, “It isn’t his fault.”

"Isn't his fault?" Stark echoed, “You didn’t make him hit you, it was his own fucking choice to do that.” 

"If I didn't antagonise him so much-"

"He might as well have kicked your face in!" Stark spat.

Loki took a step back, trying to put distance between them. There was something unnerving about the way Stark held himself and there was something oddly cold about his voice.

"What about your arms? What did you do to deserve that?"

Loki swallowed, his fingers nervously fiddling with the edge of his hoodie. He had to stop Stark talking because the further he went the more worked up he got. Stark didn’t know Svadilfari, he didn’t understand.

"I was having a nightmare," Loki lied.

Stark narrowed his eyes, “What?”

“I was lashing out in my sleep,” Loki said quickly, the words flowing to his mouth once more, “Sean was holding me down to stop me hurting myself, I guess he held on too hard.”

Stark paused and his face morphed for a second before it returned back to a hard expression. Loki’s stomach clenched together painfully and he found himself struggling to meet his eye.

 “That still doesn’t excuse anything,” Stark took a step towards him and Loki stepped back, “It sure as hell doesn’t explain the other bruises.”

“His temper is not an excuse,” Bruce added, “If he’s hurting you, we can help but we can’t if you keep defending him.”

Loki found himself flinching back from both of them and taking large steps away until he was almost backed against the wall. His fingers were digging deep into his palms as he failed to stop them shaking. His breath was racing in and out but he wasn’t panicked, upset or angry. He didn’t know what he was. All he knew was he wanted them to stop. He didn’t understand what they were trying to achieve but it was making him edgy. He didn’t like the way they were talking about Svadilfari, it was like they were trying to catch him out. He just wanted everything to go back to the way it had been.

“I don’t need your help!” Loki snapped over his pounding head.

He wanted to get out of here, he couldn’t stand the way they were staring at him. It felt like they were taking him apart with just their eyes. He swore he could sense disappointment but there shouldn’t be any because they didn’t know the first thing about him.

They thought they could help him but they didn’t know anything. They didn’t know what Svadilfari was like, they thought they were dealing with a weak mortal. They would never understand what it was like to be with Svadilfari, Loki loved him, he knew he did, he couldn’t leave him. They were trying to blame Svadilfari for the bruises on his body when Loki knew full well that every single one was his own fault. They didn’t understand that Svadilfari wasn’t the bad guy. He didn’t want their help getting away from Svadilfari, he had everything under control.

“You want to know how I got those bruise?” Loki asked, waving his arms wildly as he struggled to keep himself in control. He could barely keep his thoughts straight, it felt like his words were flowing without him, “We had a fight. He hit me, I hit him. It really isn’t that complicated.”

“That is not-”

Loki found himself lashing out, “Me and Sean have nothing to do with you! I most certainly do not need _your_ help.”

"Loki," Stark said.

It was one word but the way he said it made it sound like he was saying a thousand other things that Loki didn't want to hear it. 

"Fara til helvítis!" Loki swore, pretending there wasn’t a lump forming in his throat again, "Stop pretending you care. You don’t. None of your do! You’re just trying to take away the last good thing I have in my life."

Stark face twisted and Loki could almost see the moment Stark’s eyes started  to burn. This time when Stark opened his mouth the words came out quiet, "I thought five minutes ago you didn't even want a life."

The edge of his vision blurred. The words didn’t even cause him to flinch but instead caused him to whip forward, snatching his blade from the side and bodily shoving Stark out of the way.

“It’s not my fault I’m still here.”

"Loki-" Stark warned. 

Loki shot him a glare and made for the door but Stark darted between the gap.

“Hey, we haven't finished talking.” Stark said, “Sean-”

“I think we have,” Loki gritted out, “I get it, you disapprove of Sean. You hate me having a relationship. Whatever your problem is - Get. In. Line.”

“Do you want me to get Thor involved?”

Loki grabbed onto Stark’s shirt and dragged him forward, “If you so much as dare-”

Stark smile was all teeth, his eyes remained untouched and detached from any emotion.  

“Worried that Thor wouldn’t approve when he sees what Sean’s done?”

Loki’s grip tightened on Stark’s shirt, despite how undeterred Stark looked. He wanted to hit him and knock the expression straight off his face.

"Tony, stop it." Banner said. 

“I know Sean’s hurting you,” Stark insisted, ignoring Banner, “I don’t buy your story one bit, you don’t get bruises like that from a fight.”

Loki shoved Stark back causing him to topple into Banner. Stark corrected himself but Loki was already in his face, "You don't know the first thing about Sean!"

"I’ve seen Sean’s type before, you think Sean cares about you but he doesn’t,” Stark yelled, "He’s manipulating you and you can’t even see it. It’s only going to get worse!”

"You know nothing about me or Sean. We’re happy so stay away from us."

“How can you say that,” Stark said, reaching out to grab him, “When I just caught you from high-fiving the pavement?”

Banner snapped Stark’s name, cutting him off, and grabbed him roughly by the shoulder. Banner’s eyes were glowing a toxic green when he tightened his hold of Stark but Loki was finished with them. Striding through the door, he tried to block out Stark’s words but his shouting travelled down the corridor after him.

"Sean won't stop hurting you! That sort of temper doesn’t disappear!”

Loki dashed down the corridor trying to ignore the words echoing after him but the words that followed were so matter of fact that Loki’s blood ran cold. 

“He is never going to stop.”

Loki kept moving. He was going completely the wrong way but it didn't matter, he just needed to get away, far away, where nothing mattered and he didn’t exist. There had to be somewhere that his thoughts stopped and the voices were silent.

In the end Loki slumped down onto the ground in a room he'd never seen before. It was dark but he was alone, finally alone. Here, it felt like he was the only person in the world. 

Loki pulled his blade out and stared at its sharp edge that grinned at him in the dim light. He should just do it. He should just end it now.  Yet when Loki raised the blade, his hands shook and every word hit him at once.

Something broke.

The blade dropped from his grip and Loki started to cry. He couldn't stifle or stop it, his body became wracked with sobs but it felt good, it was like opening a dam, and everything that had slowly been suffocating him was now pouring out of him. Everything that he had tried to push aside, everything Loki had told him shouldn’t affect him, came to the surface and now Loki couldn’t stop the tears falling.

He couldn’t stop but there was nothing left to lose now anyway. Any dignity Loki might have had left was long gone by now. Stark had seen him try and kill himself and now knew him for the coward he was. Stark was insisting Svadilfari hit him. Stark had seen the finger marks on his skin and now he believed him weak. He was trying to force the truth out of him, like that would change anything, like he would ever need his help.

Loki sank his face into his hands. What if he confronted Svadilfari? What if he accused Svadilfari of hurting him?

He felt a twist in his stomach and his breath stuttered.  

_It’s only going to get worse._

Loki slammed his fist into the wall. What the fuck did Stark know? His relationship was none of their business. Arguments were a normal part of a relationship. He was raised an Aesir, he could take a fight, he wasn't as weak as everyone thought he was. Svadilfari didn’t mean what he did. It was all just a big misunderstanding.

Eventually the tears dried up and Loki was left to his silence. He stared into the dark and tried not to let his mind linger on why it felt comforting. Instead he sat there, remembering the way it had felt to step out into empty air. He hadn’t wanted saving, not from the one thing that had finally made him feel free.

The light flickered on and Loki looked up to see Stark lingering in the doorway. Loki made no move to stand and instead sank further into the floor. 

"Go away," Loki told him hoarsely.

Stark stepped in, closing the door, without saying a word. Loki hung his head and hoped it didn’t look like he had been crying. He heard a thump as Stark lowered himself to ground in front of him.

"I'm sorry." Stark said. 

Loki looked up, both his brows raising up. There was something odd about seeing Stark sat, sprawled, across the ground in front of him but not as weird as the words he had heard come out of his mouth. 

Stark let out a bitter laugh, "I know, shock horror, Tony Stark is apologising."

Loki watched him warily for a moment. He could still track the tension in his shoulders and he could see his hands were still curled but the look that had been in his eyes, that burning look that made Loki sure he was going to hit him, seemed to have burnt out. There in his eyes was a glazed look, an air of confidence, to guard whatever really lay underneath.

"Why?"

“I’m a dick.” Stark said with a sigh, “I was trying to help… but all I did was yell at you. You didn't need that, and now I’ve probably made everything worse."

Loki shrugged and held a firm blank expression across his face. He gave no reply and instead he stared down at the knife still on his lap.

"You're not going to use that are you?"

Loki paused. He found himself imagining what it would be like if he did. Blood would bleed free and his body would go slack and he wouldn’t feel another damn thing. There would be nothing, he would be nothing. It would be like he was in a void- No. Not again. _No. Loki._

Loki murmured, "I would if I wasn't such a coward,"

"A coward?" This time it was Stark’s brows that shot upwards, "This is coming from the guy who jumped off my Tower, right? That is anything but cowardly."

Loki wanted to stare, he wanted to shout or scream at him, but all his energy had faded and he was left numb. The act of jumping might not be not cowardly but his intentions were.

He looked up and tried to find judgment in Stark’s eyes, he even looked for pity, but if anything Stark looked tired and overwhelmed. Yet when he looked again what he saw was gone and had been replaced by hesitation.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Stark asked. 

Loki frowned and shook his head. There was nothing to talk about. He had failed, like everything else. There was no point trying again, he’s probably screw that up to.

He could feel tears welling up behind his eyes. Loki couldn’t see the point in living, it was all futile, and yet he was still trapped in his skin. 

"I know what it's like to feel like there's no-"

"You have no idea what I feel like," Loki said, gripping onto the blade when he caught the edges of his voice breaking. 

"Well, I never had someone quite like Sean-"

"Sean has nothing to with this." Loki insisted, ignoring the foul taste it left in his mouth.

"Why did you do it then?" Stark asked.

Stark’s voice had gone soft. It felt like the question was an arrow, burying into his skin, stopping him in his tracks.

_I wanted everything to stop. Everything hurts too much._

Loki let his head drop as he left the words unsaid. This wasn't a conversation he wanted because this wasn’t something he ever spoke about. It was shameful enough when he had let go of Gungnir and dropped into the void. In that moment he had met every expectation anyone had ever had about him.

"It's not something to be ashamed of," Stark said, "Sure, some people say its cowardly but it takes guts to attempt suicide." Stark pulled out a hip flask and took a long swig, “But, it takes a lot more guts to stay alive.”

He offered the flask. Loki grabbed it, tipping the contents back, not grimacing from the burn it left in the back of his throat.  

"Look, I don’t think any less of you because of what you tried to do.  You’re not a coward." Stark said.

Loki let out a bitter laugh, handing the flask back, "If it wasn't cowardly, people who committed suicide would get into Valhalla but they don't, they go to Helheim."

Loki felt a small smile fall across his face before it fell into sharp, broken pieces.

"If I'd succeed, if you hadn’t of stopped me, I would have seen her again.” Loki said more to himself than Stark.

"Her?"

His mouth tasted foul and he wanted to drag the words back but once again he had said too much. He couldn’t help it, if there was even a chance of falling into something other than nothing, Loki would have loved nothing more than to see her again. It would be a type of peace.

"My daughter." Loki said. 

Stark gave him a look which Loki couldn’t quite decipher.

“I didn't even know you had children...” Stark said, “She died?”

Loki grimaced, "Death would have been a blessing."

Stark stared at him but Loki waved his hand in dismissal.

“It matters not,” Loki sighed, “I am not in Helheim, and Valhalla or Fólkvangr would have suited me ill.”

Stark took a heavy swing of his flask before putting it away, his face didn’t change once from the taste.

“I'm not the most religious person, Lokes," Stark admitted, "Heaven sound too perfect and Hell that might as well be a party," He paused for a moment, “There is something nicer about slipping into nothing..”

"It’s not a matter of religion," Loki said, "I have walked the Halls of Helheim and I'm sure you could convince my Brother to take you on a quest through Helheim and Niflheim."

Stark raised an eyebrow before muttering, "Right, I forgot… Alien Gods."

Loki went to stand but Stark caught his wrist. He didn't raise his voice but his words still sounded firm when he said, "You still didn't answer my question."

Loki tugged but Stark only relinquished his hold when Loki sank back down. Loki shot Stark a questioning look.

"Why?" Stark repeated, "Why did you do it?"

Loki stared at him with no idea how to answer because he wasn’t even sure he could put it down into words. If he could pull the feeling out of him and lay its heavy and tangible form in Stark’s hands then he would understand. Instead the feeling was trapped inside him, dragging him down day after day, making even the easiest of tasks impossible. This feeling inside of him made getting out of bed too hard. If Stark could feel how tired he was, how desperately he wanted this over, then he would never have caught him.

Then on top of that there was the knowledge that the best thing in his life was also the thing that made him suffocated, trapped and questioning if this was all there was. Svadilfari was someone he loved more than anything and yet there was something trapping in the knowledge that if he tried to leave he would kill himself. It was almost ironic.

There was that constant worry and guilt when he let memories of his past came to the surface, twisted and distorted images fed to him by Asgard. He knew Svadilfari had never done anything bad to him but doubt seeped in when images of the forest held him so tight that he could taste the fear. He needed to let it go but he couldn’t and he didn’t know why.

There was a horrible feeling growing inside him but if he could place it in Stark’s hands he would understand. He would see it for what it was - a tumour growing larger and larger, some days it didn't hurt but others it pressed up against his lungs and choked him, making him cough up blood, whilst on the surface it was invisible to anyone who looked.

In the end nothing had pushed him over the edge, only aided and speeded it, because for the past two years Loki couldn’t think of a moment where there hadn’t been a part of him that had wanted to die. There were more reasons than he had fingers for why Loki wished he didn’t exist anymore.

"Was it because of Sean?" Stark asked softly. 

Loki swallowed, his gaze reaching the blue light on Stark’s chest, "No."

"Look I get it," Stark told him. There was a long pause before he spoke again but now each word sounded carefully chosen,  "I don't talk about this a lot, fuck. I don’t talk about this ever but fuck it, my Dad... he used to-"

"I said no, Stark." Loki cut him off.

Starks gaze was sharp when he let a small pause fall between them. Loki could see Stark’s lips yearning wanting to move and utter words he wouldn’t be able to take back. It seemed Stark reconsidered and instead he said something different

"You don’t have to lie, this isn’t your fault. It's taken me years to realise this for myself.” Stark paused and Loki thought he saw him swallow, "Nobody deserves to be hit, Loki."

_I do._

"It's not Sean's fault," Loki whispered.

His hair fell around him as his head dropped to hide how his eyes were beginning to burn again. Loki bit down on his lip to silence any words from spilling out.  

He should have known this would happen. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to blame Svadilfari. It was Loki’s fault this had happened, not Svadilfari, Loki was the one who made him so angry.

"Look," Stark said, shifting his position on the floor, "I had my suspicions but it was easier to believe your excuses. I mean it's _you_ ," He let out a dry laugh, lacking any mirth, "I didn’t want to think someone could do that to you."  

Stark’s finger tapped against the ground and Loki found his head lifting to follow the movement, it was almost hypnotising to watch. Abruptly his fingers came to a stop.

"It’s no excuse, I should have put a stop to this a long time ago but we’re going to sort this out right now. I’m not going to let Sean anywhere near you again, we can protect-"

Loki shot up onto his knees, finding himself inches from Stark’s face, "I don't need your protection," He balled his fists, "I'm not some helpless woman or argr that needs your help."

Stark raised his hands and shifted back, "I’m just trying to help, Loki. These situations can be difficult to get out of on your own, I don't want your blood on my hands because I didn't try to stop it."

"Oh? We wouldn't want that, would we? We can’t have the great Anthony Stark with blood on his hands!" Loki found himself on his feet, looming over him, "Not everything is about you. Have you ever thought about minding your own fucking business?"

"That isn't what I meant," Stark joined him on his feet, with a voice that sounded like it was barely reined in from shouting, "I'm trying to help you get out of this situation alive!"

"Did it ever occur to you that I didn't want to get out of this _situation_?" Loki growled, his throat feeling like a tight cord about to snap, "I don't need your help. I have been alive before your grandfather was even born, I do not need help from children."

"Then fucking act like it!" Stark grabbed his shirt before Loki could dart back, "Have you ever accepted help in your goddamn life? Pull your head out of your arse for just one fucking moment and you might actually notice people that care about you."

Loki could feel his hands shaking as he yanked Stark’s hands off him. He could feel his body already beginning to betray him but he pushed on, choking out the words, "I don't want your help."

Stark let go and physically deflated as he said into his hands,  "Damn it," Stark moved his hands away, "I didn't come here to shout at you again."

Loki let out a dry laugh, hiding his shaking hands behind him, whilst he tried to convince his legs to move but they were made of stone. 

“Look...” Stark said after a moment, “I can't let this go on. You won’t admit to it but I’m not going to keep letting Sean hurt you.”

Loki bit his lip and looked at Stark, trying to think what would happen if he accepted his help but before he could go further he knew it could never be. Loki was nothing without Svadilfari. Svadilfari only hurt him because he had to and if he told Stark what was happening, Stark wouldn’t be able to stop it, it would only make Svadilfari more angry and when that happened it would be him that paid the price. So Loki swallowed down any hope he had left, that hope had fallen without him to the streets of New York, instead he had to accept he was going to be with Svadilfari as long as he lived. If Svadilfari could love the good and bad parts of himself, he could live with a punch or two.

Loki’s mouth was moving, spinning a web as it always did, "You don't know a thing about Sean," Loki said, "Since I met him, we haven’t spent more than a day apart. We do everything together, I have never had someone like that." Loki swallowed the small voice in the back of his mind that tried to whisper a name and instead he continued, "Attachments are weaknesses, they’re pointless and leave you open for attack, but with Sean… it’s different, I couldn’t help myself."

Loki took a breath in and for the first time looked Stark directly in the eye as he said,  “If you take him away from me, you won’t be helping me, you will be killing me.”

“How can you say that after what he's done to you?” Stark asked, “You can’t talk your way out of those bruises.”

"You know nothing." Loki said, "You think me without rage?" He felt his lips twist, "I am quite capable of protecting myself."  

“You were hiding those bruises,” Stark insisted, “You were scared of getting Thor involved, I know you’re hiding something.”

"I don’t want Thor involved because he’s just begging for a reason to spilt us up. He hates the idea of me courting anyone."

“Your Brother would only want to protect you from getting hurt.”

Loki threw his hands up, letting out a disgusted sound.

“You want to know the truth?” Loki asked, and didn’t wait for a reply before words spilled out him like he was reading straight from a script, "Yes, Sean has hurt me but I hurt him just as much.” Stark looked as if he was going to interrupt but Loki pushed on, taking a step forward, “But all those suspicious bruises you keep seeing on me? They weren’t Sean. You’re going to have to accept the fact that Barton can’t control himself.”

Loki had a bitter taste in his mouth but he couldn’t stop now, “Barton caused those bruises, not Sean. I'm sorry if my _excuses_ are weak but it’s not my fault if you can’t accept the truth.”

“You said Sean hit you.”

“And he did,” Loki replied coolly, “But I hit him back. You can hardly blame him for a couple of arguments that got violent, relationships aren’t always smooth sailing.”

“You got them in a fight?” Stark said, his brows might as well have been raised to his hairline.

“Couples fight. We throw things, say things we don’t mean and then we make up, what’s not normal about that?”

"So you’re not being abused?" Stark’s voice rose to a higher pitch than Loki had ever heard.

"Abused?" Loki laughed, his heart was pounding in his chest and he could feel himself crumpling to pieces as he laid false anger on top of everything. He buried everything he was feeling as far down as he could and he muffled all the voices crying out because Stark couldn’t help, instead he forced a feeling of outrage that Stark would think anything was wrong.

Nothing was wrong. Everything was perfect. He was happy. He had to be happy. How dare Stark think he wasn’t happy? Svadilfari was so good to him, he put up with all the crap he gave him. One hit here and there wasn’t bad. It wasn’t abuse. It couldn’t be _abuse_. Something like that happened to people who couldn’t defend themselves. Loki was strong and everything was fine.

“We got into silly fights,” Loki spat, “Do you think so little of me that you think I’d let someone hit me? Abuse me? I would kill them before I let something like that happen to me.”

Stark pressed his lips together. His brows became a firm line before his face turned unreadable. The only sound he made was a small, "Oh."

Loki folded his arms, hiding his quivering fingers, as he plastered across his face an expression stuck between anger and displeasure when inside it felt too tight to breathe.

Stark seemed to swallow, before finally saying,  “So, Sean isn't the reason you jumped?”  

“No.”

Loki turned to leave, hoping this would be the end of the conversation, but Stark interrupted, “You still haven’t told me why you jumped.”

Loki scowled at him, “Why do you care? You seem more than capable of coming up with your own _assumptions_.”

“It’s just if it’s not Sean then-“

“You do realise where I’ve been for the past year?” Loki said, his voice toneless.

It was painful watching the realisation pour across Stark’s face, “Loki-“

“Don’t.” Loki said, feeling so tired that he couldn’t keep it from leaking into his voice, “Just don’t.”

This time when Loki went for the door Stark didn’t stop him and somehow that was worse. He made his way down the corridor, each footstep was heavy, but somehow he reached the apartment door without stopping once.

Loki buried himself into the sofa and put the TV on to give some light and sound to the dark living room. There was no chance he was going back to bed, he couldn’t face Svadilfari tonight.

The words of the conversation kept playing over and over and Loki couldn’t help trying to change them in his head to a combination that didn’t make his insides ache. Loki had weaved Stark a story and he had bought it. It had been what he wanted so Loki couldn’t understand why everything felt so wrong, like he had made a mistake.

He had protected Svadilfari from being misunderstood and had stopped them from trying to split him up. Loki had made it so they thought Loki gave as good as Svadilfari did. He wasn’t weak in their eyes. Loki should feel better but he didn't.

Loki pressed himself deeper into the sofa, trying to reassure himself nothing was wrong. He hadn’t lied to Stark about Svadilfari, he really hadn’t hurt him that much. The bruises on his arms, he had lied about that, but that was only because Stark wouldn’t believe him that it had been his own fault.

None of this would happen again. Loki was going to be better now, he would make sure Svadilfari didn’t get angry again so this would be the last time he would hurt him. It wouldn't happen again.

_Liar._

Tears spilled down his cheeks. Loki sat up, rubbing at them aggressively in an attempt to get rid of every drop but it only caused more to fall.

He was so weak. He shouldn’t be getting upset about this. It was so pathetic.

Loki bit his lips hard enough that it drew blood. He could taste the copper of the blood in his mouth but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Svadilfari told him each time was the last but it never was, but at least it meant Loki got to stay. It was a small price for love. Everyone loved Stark, how could he understand what it was like to have no one? Loki couldn’t have told Stark the truth. He would try to take Svadilfari away and then Loki would be nothing, he would have nothing left.

Loki slammed his hands into his head, feeling a thud of pain from the impact. He no longer tried to stop the tears from falling, only stifled the sounds trying to break from his throat.

If Stark knew the truth, he would tell him he was exaggerating. If he explained each bruise and how he got them, Stark would just say he was overreacting. Stark would call him a liar.

Loki deserved what Svadilfari gave him, Stark would realise that. Loki was a liar, he was unworthy of so much and the fact Svadilfari even bothered with him should be enough. Stark would call him ungrateful for complaining about a couple of bruises when he was loved this much.  

Stark had said he could protect him but he thought Svadilfari was mortal. Loki had lied about that too. Stark didn’t stand a chance against a Fire Giant. He couldn’t protect him.

Stark had acted like he was scared to leave Svadilfari but he was wrong, Loki could leave him whenever he wanted. _Liar._ No, Loki couldn’t leave, not when it would kill Svadilfari. He didn’t want to anyway. It was amazing that Svadilfari loved him so much that he couldn’t live without him. Loki had found someone who truly loved him.

Loki had done the right thing. He might have lied and span the story a little but he had never strayed too far from the truth. Stark would never have understood the truth if he had given him it. Loki didn’t need his help, Loki could look out for himself.

His lips twisted into a parody of a smile when he wondered what would have happened if he had accepted Stark’s help but it was much too late. Lies had fallen his lips and he had twisted a story, convincing Stark nothing was wrong. Stark shouldn’t trust him because he couldn’t help lying to everyone, no wonder Svadilfari hit him.

Normally wrapping himself in lies, hiding underneath words, made him feel safe. Lies were the best place to hide. More often than not after Loki had gotten everyone to believe his lies there was a part of him that couldn’t help believing too.

Besides the story Loki had told wasn’t a lie. Svadilfari didn’t hurt him that much. He was happy. Nothing was wrong.

Loki stared at the bruises across his arms and realised there a reason he was the God of Lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, guys, I know a few of you were hoping for someone to come and rescue Loki. The weird thing was that was the original plan for this chapter but well Loki kind of hijacked that and instead I got an ending to this fic that I was more happy with. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

It was hours later that a loud sound awoke Loki. His eyes flickered open and it was only then he realised he had fallen asleep on the sofa. Loki looked up for the source of the sound and found his gaze meet Svadilfari and it was then that guilt rushed through him. It felt as if Svadilfari could see right through him. It was as if just by looking at him Svadilfari knew the sinful thing he had tried to commit, all the lies he had nearly spilled to Stark, all the ways he had sullied his name.

Loki lowered his gaze as a sickening feeling gripped him. It felt as if the night before had been a daze, he didn’t understand the logic he had been following. After everything he had been through, what did he think gave him the right to take his own life. He should be grateful for every second he had been given, every moment he could be with Svadilfari, but instead he had tried to end it and all because he was too weak to handle everything. Svadilfari would be ashamed if he knew.

Svadilfari’s words broke through his thoughts, "Sorry," He said, "I was trying not to wake you."

Loki forced a small smile, "There was no need, I should have been awake already," He yawned.

Svadilfari leaned down, his fingers wrapping around the back of the neck. Loki supposed it should have been comforting and yet his heartbeat skipped as he felt Svadilfari eyes above him and his fingers digging into his skin, trapping him in place.

“You looked beautiful when you were asleep,” Svadilfari murmured.

Loki felt his cheeks beginning to burn but he hid it with a smirk, "Compared to you, anything is."

Svadilfari snorted and before he could react Loki found Svadilfari leaning down to kiss him. It was short but there was a sweetness to it that meant Loki couldn’t help leaning up with the hopes that he might disappear into it. The warmth and tingling sensation made Loki smile against his lips, making him wonder how he would ever want to be anywhere but here. The kiss lasted a moment but Loki wished it would last longer because when his lips were against his, it was easier to forget the gnawing pit inside him that was trying to devour him, trying to push him once more over to the ledge at the top of the tower.

As Svadilfari pulled back, Loki brought his hands up to run his fingers through Svadilfari’s short hair, feeling soft against his fingertips. He found it hard to keep a smile across his lips as images of Stark’s angry eyes filled his mind and all the words he screamed. Loki reminded himself that Stark didn’t know Svadilfari. Svadilfari was too good for him.

"Bad dream?" Svadilfari said so softly that Loki nearly didn’t catch it.

"Something like that," Loki said, pressing his face into Svadilfari's neck.

It wasn’t a bad description of how he felt. It was as if yesterday had become a nightmare. Yet some part of himself told him that right now was the nightmare. The feeling of being trapped consumed him again and he couldn’t help but remember being stood over the ledge and freeing feeling it brought. It had brought the knowledge that no one would be able to hurt him ever again, that he wouldn’t be a failure, that he would no longer have responsibilities. He didn’t want Svadilfari to grow attached, he didn’t want him to feel so strongly about him.

_If you leave me, I will kill myself._

It was already too late for that now. Svadilfari life was in his hands and he’d be damned if he let anything happen to him. After all he was the only one who would ever put up with him. Eventually even he would hate him, he would see that he had betrayed his trust by trying to leave, in a permeant way. He would have succeed too if it hadn’t been for Stark.

Loki felt arms around his waist and he was suddenly pulled close. Strong arms around him were enclosing him close to Svadilfari and Loki let himself bury deep into him with his eyes close. He let out a long breath and felt his limbs go loose as he focused on Svadilfari’s breath. This was where he was meant to be.

All too soon Svadilfari pulled back and Loki received a kiss on the head before Svadilfari disappeared into the kitchen. Warmth lingered against his skin but it felt like he had already lost it.

Loki rose to the bedroom, removing the clothes that brought too many memories of the night before, and yet as he tried to walk to the shower he found he couldn’t do it.

He sat at the edge of the bed, the world around him feeling so far away. It was as if everything was in a dark haze and he found himself wondering what the point was. A shower seemed like too much effort. Everything seemed so pointless.

He startled when he heard Jarvis’ voice breaking into his silence. The words that followed left him even more numb and tired. It brought thoughts that he’d rather not dwell on. Jarvis told him he was needed for a meeting with the Avengers as they still hadn’t got enough information from him about Doom. Loki tried to argue at first but it became clear that it would be more effort to attempt to get out of it than it would be to go.

With a sigh he pulled new clothes on, paying little attention to what he picked out. He roughly ran a brush through his hair, not caring as it pulled when it caught knots. In some ways, the burning feeling of yanking the brush through his hair felt good. The pain made him feel real, if only for a moment.

Glancing up at the clock he quickly grabbed his hoodie and stepped from the room. He was halfway across the living room when Svadilfari’s voice caused him to recoil.

"Are you going somewhere?" 

Loki spun, his breath trapped in his chest, "Yes," Loki swallowed, "There's a meeting I have to go to."

Svadilfari seemed to cross the room in a matter of seconds and even with a step back, Loki still felt like he was too close. The air felt still and Loki knew that wasn’t a good sign.

"You didn’t need to go to the other meetings." Svadilfari was narrowing his eyes.

“I can’t keep missing meetings.”

Loki tried skitter around him but Svadilfari grabbed his arm, dragging him close. Breath brushed across his skin but instead of feeling warm, it felt like it was scolding his skin.

“You never seemed to care about that before,” Svadilfari said, his grip on his arm tightening enough that his nails were digging into his skin.

“They’re not happy with me.”

“I can imagine, that isn’t too hard when it comes to you, is it?” The words felt empty. There was a coldness in his blue eyes that made Loki’s heart stop, “You were going leave without telling me.”

“No-”

“You weren’t even going to tell me you were going,” Svadilfari’s interrupted, his nails dug so deep into his wrist that the skin should have broken, “You were going to leave me with no idea where you were, weren’t you?”

“No, I wasn’t,“ Loki started, “I-”

Svadilfari raised his hand but Loki had no time to react when he struck him. Pain blazed through him, running through his whole body.

“Liar!” Svadilfari snarled.

Loki found himself being shoved backward, his back and head hitting the wall. The pain hit him again in waves and yet he couldn’t focus on that over the panic gripping him. He could feel his legs being to shake as his head began to ring. He wanted to wrap his arms around himself and curled inwards to make himself as small as possible. Svadilfari was in his face again, arms holding his shoulders to shake him violently.

“I need to know where you are, what can’t you fucking understand about that?” Svadilfari shouted, “I can’t trust you to look after yourself. I don’t trust them.”

Loki tried to argue but he couldn’t form any words, He could only shake in his grip. Loki’s eyes were burning but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Loki swallowed in an attempt to control himself. He mustn’t make him angrier.

“You don’t even care how much you make me worry, do you? You care more about those fucking Avengers.”

“I don’t,” Loki choked out.

He reached out to touch Svadilfari, to try to calm him, but Svadilfari slapped it away. His arm jarred from the force but it hurt in an entirely different way.

“You think I’m fucking stupid, don’t you?” Svadilfari took a step away from him, “You think you can do whatever the fuck you want and I won’t say a word.”

Loki swallowed, ignoring the lump, “I won’t go anymore.”

Svadilfari grinned at him but it was all teeth, it made his face morph into something that wasn’t human. It was the face of a forest fire, it was the face of something animalistic.

He let out a yell and a metal table inches from Loki toppled to the ground in a dented state, the contents crashing with it. Loki flinched, waiting for a hit that never came. Instead the air was filled with heavy breath.

“I won’t go anymore,” Loki repeated, his mouth feeling dry, “It’s.. it’s not.. I don’t want to go.”

Svadilfari let out a laugh but there was no amusement in it, “You don’t want to go anymore?”

Loki shook his head. Svadilfari stepped over the debris and grabbed his jacket, before moving to the door.

“What are you doing?” Loki asked.

Loki hated how small his voice sounded, yet worse was the little voice in his head that wanted to shout after him. Please don’t leave. Don’t leave me.

Svadilfari’s lips twisted, “I’m coming with you.”

Loki shifted on the spot, unable to bring himself to look him in the eye, “Let’s just stay here, we could-”

Svadilfari grabbed him and yanked him forward, “I said we’re _going_. Let’s see how important these meeting really are.”

Loki opened his mouth but thought better of it when he caught the look Svadilfari was giving him. He sank inside of himself. He shouldn’t have listened to Jarvis, he should have just stayed here. He was so stupid, getting ideas into his head that any of this had been important. What had been important was Svadilfari had been in a good mood just minutes before, but Loki had ruined that now, just like he ruined everything.

He let himself be led by Svadilfari by the hand gripping him. His heart was still pounding in his chest, leaving it feeling tight and uncomfortable. He tried to draw breath into his lungs to calm himself, pulling a blank expression over his face and trying to stop the burning in his eyes. With each step, Loki thought he succeeded to an extent, even if in the pit of his stomach he wanted to vomit.

As they reached the door of the meeting room, Svadilfari relinquished hold on him but despite this, he was still close enough to him that he could feel his presence wrapping around him. Loki could feel his gaze piercing down at him, making him feel that one wrong move could lead somewhere that Loki didn’t want to return.

They stepped in and with a quick scan, Loki could see everyone was already around the table. Loki avoided all of the gazes on him as he quickly took a seat.  When he glanced up briefly and found Banner looking back at him with an odd expression. Loki quickly looked away, hiding his hands under the table until they stopped shaking.

"Brother,"  Thor greeted.

For a moment Loki worried that Thor was going to get up and move towards him but when he gave a dismissive grunt in return it seemed to halt him. Loki couldn’t help regretting his response, even if it did make it easier for himself. There was a part of him that wanted Thor to drag him into one of his spine-breaking hugs, or for him to rest his hand behind his neck, drawing him close. There would have been something comforting, something familiar, behind those gestures. Instead all he got was a frown crossing Thor’s face.

Svadilfari’s hand came to rest on his leg and he swallowed, pushing the thoughts away. He didn’t need Thor. It was better this way. Acting on any of those thoughts might make Svadilfari upset and it just wasn’t worth it. He needed Svadilfari to be happy.

He heard Coulson clear his throat and it was then that his disapproval became apparent.

"I'm sorry," Coulson said, his voice neutral and lacking emotion, "But it is not appropriate for civilians to attend this meeting."

Loki bit his lip, his nails digging into his palm in an attempt to keep himself from letting his shoulders drop. He opened his mouth to reply but Svadilfari beat him to it.

"Oh. Is this meeting classified?" Svadilfari asked, his voice was dripping with sarcasm as he glanced around at everyone around the table. A thin smile formed across his face, “Next thing you'll be telling me is I’m sitting around the table with the Avengers. No wait, better yet, you’ll be telling me I'm dating a Norse God that tried to destroy New York and that Victor von Doom is responsible for the robot attacks, we can’t possibly trust a _civilian_ to know that.”

Loki felt a small burst of relief bursting through the coiled panic inside him. He found himself physically having to stop himself snorting but something must have shown because he felt Svadilfari squeeze his leg a little with a small smile.

"It is too early for sarcasm," Stark said dryly as he propped his feet up on a spare chair.

"That might be so-" Coulson started.

"Just let him stay," Stark waved his hand, "It’s not like Loki isn't going to tell him everything afterwards."

Loki felt all eyes turn on him and all he could think to do was to shrug innocently.

"See?" Stark said, tapping his fingers against the chair arm. There was a smile on his face but it never warmed his eyes instead what had lurked behind Banner’s eyes was behind his too.

Coulson pressed his lips together tightly before everything was wiped away and his expression became schooled. He flicked a button and from nowhere a hologram appeared floating in the middle of the table, information swirling around which seemed to signal the beginning of the meeting.

Loki silently watched as Coulson outlined the progression of the attacks over the past year and how the threat that Doom posed had increased. To start with the number of attacks had increased and then soon after so did their abilities.

As Loki watched a strange stillness came over him. He saw blasts that robots sent grow stronger and where once brick crumbling it instead became dust. He saw robots no longer avoiding the Avenger’s attacks but instead rushing straight into them, unaffected due to magic shields that they wrapped around themselves. Loki saw them plough civilians down like they were cattle. He saw blood on their metal hands. He saw the blade in their hands before it came down to meet his skin. He saw a terrible whiteness, so white he was sure he was blind before he sullied it with his blood. He heard himself screaming with the knowledge no one would come.

The hologram flickered out for a moment and Loki came back to himself. He scolded himself, he shouldn’t let his mind stray back there, he needed to focus on the present. If he started to think too much about that there was no telling when he would come back to himself.

"This was the most recent attack," Coulson said flicking his hand and causing the hologram to become active once more.

The clip started like any other. The robots moving as a swarm, bringing with them a large amount of destruction that was to be expected. Their hands were outstretched to blast buildings and people alike.

Yet this time it was different. A robot paused in the centre of it all and hovered above the mass of chaos. Then with no warning, the robot exploded in a deadly green light. The blast expanded and green light engulfed all that was around it. Buildings were consumed by the huge waves and didn’t simply burn under its light but melted. Within seconds there was no building, not even a street.

What disturbed Loki the most was the colour of the magic. Before it had not been so obvious but now as the screen filled with a toxic green there was no denying what he saw. The magic that had torn through the building looked exactly like his own magic. That was because it was his. He knew Doom had taken his magic and used it, they had told him that much, but actually seeing it with his own eyes was different. It was like seeing a mutilated part of himself parade across the screen, something that was him but at the same time was definitely not. 

"This.. this is why you thought I was helping Doom." Loki said.

"At the time, it seemed very likely," Rogers folded his arms.

Loki shook his head and muttered, "Bjáni, alger Bjáni."

"Loki." Thor warned.

Loki caught Svadilfari smirking at Thor and his smirk only widened when Thor glared back.

"You should not talk of our shield brother’s in such a way."

Loki shrugged, tapping his fingers against the tabletop, "I am just telling the truth.”

Barton let out a snort but Loki kept his expression controlled.

Loki focused on the rest of them and continued as if there had not been an interruption, “You thought I would do this," He waved his hand at the destruction, "My magic is bound-"

"Who's to say you couldn't break it?" Romanoff broke in.

Loki pressed his lips together, refusing to let it show how he wouldn’t stand for many more interruptions. Instead he met Romanoff’s gaze. Her eyes were cool and almost flat, hiding whatever lay beneath so far down that Loki couldn’t decipher it.  

"You can’t simply break one of the All-Father’s spells. That is no easy feat… You show how little you know of the All-Father." Loki said, narrowing his eyes, “It is insulting that you would suggest I would perform such childish magic."

"Childish?" Coulson questioned, “I fail to see how any of these attacks can be called childish. The attacks killed-

Loki waved his hand, “That isn’t what I meant.  I’m talking about his control over the magic or should I say the lack of. He throws it around with no purpose."

“It still seems to get the job done,” Stark said dryly, “He is able to cause enough destruction and even put up shields.”

Loki paused for a second as their eyes met. He felt himself falter, his mouth going dry. There was a hardness in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. It felt as if Stark could see right through him but there was no way he could, Loki had got rid of any of his doubts the night before.

Loki drew his hands tightly onto his lap and focused on the task at hand, "You don’t see it but every hit the robots make, half of their spell is lost. There is so much more power to be harnessed that Doom is failing to use. He is wasting magic. Even when he channels it into shields they are rudimentary and lasts shorter than a child could hold it. It’s pathetic. He uses magic as if it is a hammer to smash with.”

“I don’t see how that matters,” Rogers said, “You saw the latest attack. Even if he isn’t using magic to its full ability the building was still destroyed and people died. I think you’re ignoring all the suffering he’s caused, that’s what really matters.”

Loki sighed, “Of course it matters.”

He wasn’t glossing over what had happened. He wasn’t trying to mock it. He wanted to tell Rogers that he had been there for one of the attacks. It felt like a lifetime ago, back when things felt simple. But that didn’t mean Loki didn’t remember the dust on his skin, the copper smell in the air and the sound of the robots overhead. Rogers could talk of destruction, he could talk of death but he hadn’t been there. He hadn’t been trapped under brick with the corpse of a woman and two dying children.

He knew what Doom was capable of. He had seen it in New York’s streets, he had seen it in the white room and now he could see the results. A lesser man would feel responsible but this wasn’t his fault or his doing. He wasn’t trying to belittle what had happened in the clips, he was trying to say something more than that.

Loki looked straight at Rogers and said, “I’m not saying his attacks aren’t powerful, I wasn’t saying people haven’t died and that properties haven’t been destroyed.”

Loki paused, his hands balling on his lap, “Each attack is gaining more and more semblance of control. You should hope this is all Doom gets. Control is key to this, if Doom learns how to wield my magic properly... the damage in those clips will look like nothing. He is untrained with a large amount of my magic if he was to...”

Loki felt himself shiver.

"Loki?" Rogers said.

He looked up and realised he had trailed off.

"The raw power he has will cause more damage than I think you realise. It is a bomb.”

"I thought you said he had no control over it?" Stark said.

“Of course not, those robots reeks of my magic. Magic that isn’t his, it was stolen and won’t be easily controlled or tamed. Only a fool would try to harness another mage’s magic.” Loki struggled to keep the growl out of his voice, “His lack of control is what worries me.”

“Shouldn't this be a good thing?” Coulson asked, “If Doom is unable to use the magic to its full potential then he won’t be able to cause as much destruction.”

Loki sighed, pausing as he wove his words together, "A mage’s own magic is volatile at best when they lack the correct knowledge but to try to control another’s magic it’s like... trying to manipulate a tide, eventually he’s going to misstep and he’ll find himself drowning.”

“Enough metaphors.” Stark said, “What are you trying to say?”

“When Doom loses control and do not doubt this, he will,” Loki said calmly, “He has enough magic to take New York with him. It will be as if the city never existed.”

After that he lost control of the conversation. Questions were thrown, voices rose and fell over each other as they tried to make sense of what they couldn’t possibly understand.

In some ways their lack of understanding of magic was what allowed themselves to comfort themselves, lie to themselves, and tell themselves that he was exaggerating and in some ways he wished he could join them in their ignorance. It would be easier that way.

At least when the meeting came to a conclusion there was one thing they could all agree on. It had been too long since Doom’s last attack. After that there was just the agreement that they would meet again before finally the meeting ended.

As Loki stood he felt Stark’s gaze land hard against him. He kept his gaze low and tried to follow Svadilfari out of the room but as he tried to squeeze past Stark grabbed his forearm.

Stark leaned in uncomfortably close, “I need to talk to you.”

Loki yanked his hand free but didn’t immediately walk away. For a moment the hardness was gone from Stark’s eyes and Loki felt like he was being taken apart. It felt like his clothes and skin had been stripped off so that all that lay in front of him was his bare bone.

It felt like he knew. It felt like Stark could see behind all his words, all his arrogant speech and confidence when speaking about Doom, it felt like he could tell that right now that wasn’t what scared him. There might not be any bruises to show how he felt but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be when he got to his apartment. He wasn’t scared. He had no reason to be scared.

Loki swallowed, “Don’t.”

Loki turned and without looking back strode after Svadilfari, praying that Stark wouldn’t follow. They walked side by side in silence for a while. Loki tried to remain calm as he walked, focusing on each step.

After a couple of minutes Svadilfari began to comment on the meeting. Loki tried to read into his responses but he found he couldn’t. They were calm on the surface but he found his stomach twisting at the possibility that they weren’t. Loki didn’t know if he could handle it if Svadilfari felt like he had wasted his time with the meeting. He shouldn’t have gone. He shouldn’t have gone. He should have stayed at home.

When the door of their apartment closed behind them, Svadilfari’s mood remained the same. Loki scanned him for any signs but he didn’t seem angry, he didn’t even seem annoyed. Loki let out a breath, trying to still his shaking fingers as he unzipped his hoodie.

He found his eyes trailing over the mess that still remained across the floor. The table laid on the ground, the metal twisted under a heavy force, and its contents spread across the floor. A reminder.

"You seem stressed," Svadilfari commented.

Loki swallowed but it did nothing to clear the dryness in his throat. He gave a shrug as he threw his hoodie over the edge of the sofa. He wasn’t sure the word to explain it was stress. He didn’t really want to think about it at all, let alone name it. He wanted thoughts to stop racing around and around his head. It felt like he was forever second guessing, trying to work out which action leads to Svadilfari’s anger. It was exhausting. He just wanted things to be simple again. Back when Svadilfari didn’t… didn’t get so angry with him all the time.

Loki startled when he felt arms snake around his waist. For a moment he felt himself become rigid, each muscle in his body was tense and ready, until the warmth of the body against him became too much and he sank back into it. He let himself melt into Svadilfari, entangled with his arms so that if he pressed hard enough he would disappear into him. Loki let his eyes fall shut for a moment and it was then that the faint tremor in his fingers ceased.

Loki pulled away and turned to look up at Svadilfari. He was so close to him now that it felt that his presence was all around him, draped around him.

Slowly Svadilfari reached out. Svadilfari’s hands threaded through the back of his hair with an odd tenderness, like he was afraid he would break him. His other hand cradled the back of his neck as he leaned down to kiss him. His lips were warm against him and tasted so comfortingly familiar that Loki couldn’t stop himself wrapping his arms around his shoulders in an attempt to pull him closer.

The kiss was slow but there was something more to it. There was a need behind it that caused a gasp to escape from his lips. He felt Svadilfari pull him flush against him but all Loki could focus on was his pounding heart, the way it was crashing to escape. He knew what this meant, what it led to, and it filled him with dread.

Shut up.

He was being selfish. It didn’t matter what he wanted. In fact there was no way he didn’t want this.

Loki felt arms slid back around his waist and he was lead backward through the living room and into their bedroom. Their lips didn’t part for a moment but instead the kiss became more and more desperate until Loki found himself being shoved down onto the bed.

Loki gasped for breath when their lips finally parted. Svadilfari moved down to his neck, his lips creating a path across his skin that sent shivers down his spine.

"I know a good way to relieve stress," Svadilfari said and Loki found his hands were now a lot further down than they were before.

"I don’t t-" Loki gasped as Svadilfari sank his teeth hard into his neck.

His voice was lost between his lips. The kisses seemed to become possessive and his hands were now pulling his clothes off in a manner that made Loki think they would tear.

Loki wanted to protest but when their eyes met he felt his words freeze. Svadilfari’s eyes weren’t just looking down at him, they were looking _at_ him. They saw him. They reminded of looks he saw a very long time, they looked at him like he was worth something, like he was something that should be worshiped. It was as if he was the sole focus of the realms. He knew without a doubt that he didn’t ever want to lose that. He would do anything to keep it.

Yet the blue eyes seemed to become lighter. The face around them became thinner and more defined. Loki felt his eyes widen as he watched Svadilfari’s tattoos slowly spiral down his arms and across his chest as if the black was bleeding through his skin. Lastly his short hair was replaced with longer, braided hair and all at once the mask of Sean, a false man, was gone. It was now Svadilfari, truly him, staring down at him with such intensity that Loki struggled to find words.

All he could do was stare at Svadilfari above him. His presence felt so much more defined now that Loki felt suffocated. His touches, his hands felt as if there was more power behind it, despite them being from the same man as moments earlier.

Loki felt the hard pressure of his fingers entering and he barely managed to silence his moan.

"You can't," Loki said as he waved weakly at Svadilfari’s new form in an attempt to express the words he couldn’t find, "Jarvis will see you and t-” Loki cried out and couldn't help bucking upwards as Svadilfari found the perfect spot with his fingers.

Svadilfari grinned briefly before pressing his fingers in just the way that Loki found it hard to keep still, let alone form words. Svadilfari persisted for a while until he eased for a moment.

Svadilfari met his gaze with a more serious expression, "People see what they want to see, let’s just say computers are even easier to manipulate," With Svadilfari’s free hand he twisted his fingers, forming red sparks from them, "Jarvis sees what I want him to see."

Loki felt his brain stutter for a moment, flickering between relief and a deep dread but at this moment he couldn’t remember why he felt it. It was something about J-- Svadilfari’s lips were on him again and Loki might as well be lost to the world.

Loki found himself pressed into the sheets as Svadilfari lost any patience to wait any longer. Their bodies met but their time it was different, with Svadilfari’s real body it felt like they fit together as one piece.

Svadilfari’s movements were slower and precise. Svadilfari’s eyes saw only him as he marked his whole body with kisses and bite, in attempt to consume him. In some way it felt like Svadilfari was devouring him because in this moment, between Svadilfari’s hot breath and his thrusts, there felt like there was nothing outside of this. There was certainly nothing worth having outside that gaze, a gaze that promised a love Loki knew he didn’t deserve but would steal for as long as possible.

He pulled Svadilfari's hair free of the braids and twisted it harshly between his fingers, yanking him as close as he could.  Each thrust brought him closer and closer to the edge and in the end all he could do was grip tightly as Svadilfari gave one final thrust and it was then Loki was seeing stars.

It was only when he came down that he loosened his grip on Svadilfari’s hair, realising he could have easily ripped it out. They lay there in the aftermath, Loki resting against Svadilfari as they caught their breath. He could feel Svadilfari’s lips against his forehead as he pressed a lazy kiss to it. He let a small smile fall across his face and listened as he heard Svadilfari begin to drift to sleep.

Loki traced Svadilfari’s tattoo, running his fingers along its design. He felt himself become lost in the complex swirls and as he did it made his stomach twisted and turn. His chest ached and Loki couldn’t get air into his lungs.

Loki stilled his fingers, twisting around so that his eyes faced the wall. Yet an image still pierced in his mind no matter how much he tried to drift over it. He could see it. Mud splattered across the black tattoos, red scratch marks across them and blood under his fingernails as he failed he get the large weight off him. Blue eyes loomed down but he wouldn’t get off. He wouldn’t get off. Loki couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t going to stop and Loki was screaming.

No one could hear him. No one would hear him. No one would come.

He wouldn’t get off. Loki couldn’t push him off, he couldn’t kick him off or claw at his skin. He didn’t understand what was happening only that hands were pinning him down and his whole body was on fire. It hurt. It hurt so much but more than that, it felt like his hands were under skin, breaking a part of himself that could never be fixed. Even in that moment, he knew that he would forever leave a part of himself in that forest.

Loki swallowed, focusing on the fingers gently running through his hair. He focused on how Svadilfari had looked at him like he wasn’t useless. He focused on how his hand- how his hands had pinned him down in the mud and - Loki squeezed his eyes shut.

He needed to let the past go. His mind was playing tricks on him, twisting lies into truth in an attempt to turn him from the only person who loves him. He needed to stop overreacting to an event that meant nothing. It had happened such a long time ago that it didn’t matter anymore. The memory meant nothing to him.

Loki pressed himself against Svadilfari and felt one of his arms wrap around him and pull him close. Loki nestled close. This was where he was meant to be. He was happy here.

Loki gulped for air.

He was happy. He had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the long gap between the last update, my life suddenly got a lot busier. I'm working on getting back a proper schedule. I'm finally happy enough to release this chapter. Thank you for all your comments on the last chapter. Please let me know what you think of this one


	15. Chapter 15

When Loki woke up he wished he hadn’t. He found he was barely able lunged out of bed to the bathroom in time before he was keeling forward and bringing up his previous meal. The acidic burn brought tears to his eyes. He clutched the cold metal as he could do nothing but let the feelings wash over him.

Afterwards Loki sank to the ground, pressing his back against the wall. Waves of nausea rolled over him and it was another half an hour before it eased off. It left him curled, with his arms around his stomach, waiting for the next time the feeling became too much.

When he eventually felt like he wasn’t going to immediately throw up if stood up, Loki allowed himself to get back into bed. Svadilfari didn’t comment when he stayed like that for the rest of the day. Loki didn't tell Svadilfari he had been ill but he supposed Svadilfari was used to him having days like this.

The days that followed dragged. Loki could feel himself sinking again, suffocating within himself. It was worse now but Loki could find no reason it should be, it wasn’t the fact that he seemed to suffer from sickness nearly every morning, it wasn’t for any reason he could find. It came as it always did out of nowhere, swallowing him up until he was left with no energy.

He found himself more often than not clutching his knife, willing himself to press it to his skin. He wanted to cut whatever was causing this feeling out of himself, if he could bleed it out of himself he would. It felt like something was rotting inside him and he wanted nothing more than to slice it out. At least that way he would be able to move, be able to think clearly, rather than live through this dark haze that made him want to jump off the top of the tower. It didn’t seem so cowardly right now. It felt like the only way. There was a parasite in him and the only way to kill it was to kill himself. He wasn’t living. He was a mess, floating in nothingness. 

He never left the apartment moving from sofa to bed in some semblance of activity. It was a routine of some kind. It was something he started when Svadilfari started leaving to go to work a couple of weeks, despite him not really needing to. Maybe it was just Svadilfari’s way of getting away from him.

After all Loki spent more time sleeping on the sofa due to nightmares of white and of metal that he would wake choking on air, no longer remembering where he was. There was no way of knowing when the nightmares would happen but Loki couldn’t help feeling that it was more often than it used to be.

He wanted to cure his weakness. It had been a while now since what had happened and he just wanted to forget about it. He didn’t want to wake up thinking about the cell or Doom. He tried to focus on other things, tried to push through his tiredness, and do the little things like remembering to eat, shower or even just get up.

Loki didn’t know what day his routine was interrupted since the days had long since blurred into one. Yet it was on this day he was trying harder than usual to muster the energy to move, to get up and do _something,_ but it felt like it was impossible.

The interruption came in the form of hard knocks on the door. Loki found himself startled enough that he pulled himself up into a sitting position on the sofa, wrapping his blanket around his shoulders. He eyed the door, biting his lip. If he laid back down maybe whoever it was would go away. Loki sighed to himself wondering how he could ever think himself so lucky.

The knocking came again and Loki drew his legs up onto the couch, resting his chin on the top of knees, praying they would go away. Loki knew he should be getting up, he should be throwing the blanket away, to make himself look more presentable but he couldn’t find the point. None of this mattered.

The door swung open and with it the lights flickered on. Loki squinted against the bright light for a moment before his eyes adjusted against the light to see Stark striding in. He looked odd in the room, a casual t-shirt of some band, his hair set perfectly in place or maybe it was just he hadn’t seen anyone other than Svadilfari in a long time.

“What do you want?” Loki muttered.

Stark raised a brow, come to a stop in the middle of the living room, “It’s so nice to feel welcomed.”

Loki shuffled into the corner of the sofa between the back and arm, wishing he had tied his hair back because it kept falling in his eyes.

“That wasn’t the impression I was going for,” Loki said through narrowed eyes.

Stark huffed, wandering over to the kitchen. Loki could make out the sound of him opening and closing cupboards until he came back into sight with alcohol in his hand that Loki didn’t even know they had. Stark sat down on the other sofa, throwing his feet up onto the glass table like he owned the place and Loki supposed he did.

“Want to tell me what’s going on?”

Loki glanced up, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Stark took a sip of his drink and Loki noticed his knuckles were turning white. His voice went up as he asked, “Do I look like an idiot?”

Loki swallowed, glad that his hands were under the blanket so Stark couldn’t see them trembling. His eyes ran over his body, spotting the signs. He could see Stark’s tense shoulders, his lips pressed together, his eyes staring for a moment too long. Stark was angry.  

Loki quickly shook his head. He lowered his gaze as he shifted in his seat in a failed attempt to get comfortable. His heartbeat was starting to spike and it was ironic that this was one of the only emotions that still pierced through the overwhelming fog that left him numb.

Stark set his drink down on the table and it felt like the sound ran right through him. 

“Talk to me,” Stark said after a moment.

Loki clenched his hands together in an attempt to stop their incessant shaking, “Just leave me alone.”

“That’s all you’ve been doing,” Stark said, “Sitting in here on your own.”

“I can do what I want.”

“Is this really what you want?” Stark asked, his feet dropping to the floor so he was looking directly at him, “Is it?”

Loki’s mouth felt dry and he found he didn’t know how to answer. Of course, this wasn’t what he wanted but there was nothing else he could do when his mind had turned on him. 

“Thor’s been asking about you,” Stark shifted, “He wants to see you.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Loki said bitterly and then quickly continued when Stark tried to interject, “Not when I’m like this..”

“Like what?”

Loki hesitated for a moment. There was a part of him that screamed at him to lie, to hide what he really though, and yet when he looked at Stark he found he couldn’t. It seemed that these days Stark could see right through him.

Before he could stop himself, Loki found himself blurting out, “A fucking mess.”

Stark's eyes lightened for a minute, Loki felt like laughing but there would be no humour behind it. Stark was prying his fingers into him like he was an open wound but there was nothing clean about it. 

“You’re not a mess-“

“I’m not?” Loki laughed.

“It’s just this apartment..” Stark said, “You need to get out of here for a while, talk some people, get some sleep-“

“You’re saying that like sleeping is an option.”

Loki felt Stark pause, his eyes raking over him, making Loki regret speaking. He should keep everything to himself it was easier that way. This conversation in itself was exhausting. 

“Nightmares again?”

“Something like that,” Loki muttered, bringing his knees tight against him. 

He wouldn’t call them nightmares when they felt so real. Nightmares sounded small, like something a child experienced. They were certainly a lot more than that.

“There’s more to this than just that.” Stark said, he took a large sip of his drink, regarding him for a moment as if he was debating his next words. Eventually he seemed to give in and he spoke, “You don’t still want to jump, do you?

Loki’s breath became trapped and in a way it felt like Stark had caught him. These thoughts that circulated his mind should stay there because out loud they sounded too real. People weren’t supposed to know and yet he couldn’t blame anyone else but himself. 

His lack of answer seemed to be enough for Stark. He wondered if it satisfied him to walk in and humiliate him. 

Stark tapped his fingers against the arm, “I really think you should see someone.” He said softly. 

Loki shook his head. 

“Why not?”

Loki bit his lip. He wouldn’t lower himself to that. It would be admitting defeat. Either way talking wasn’t going to change anything. It was a waste of time, they couldn’t tear this feeling out of him and they certainly couldn’t fix him. 

“I don’t need someone to talk to,” He managed, “I’m fine.”

“You’re fine?” Stark said, a frown forming again, “You’re not fine. Have you seen yourself?”

Loki swallowed, feeling like he had been slapped. Of course he had seen himself, he was a mess, he had told Stark that. He didn’t need to repeat it.

“You don’t look like you eat,” Stark continued, “You look exhausted. When was the last time you showered or slept?”

Stark’s voice was rising and rising and his body was moving forward and into his space. Loki could see the tension in his body once more and he couldn’t help focusing on how his hands were curling tight. Loki could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He seemed so close to him now and the walls were closing in. He could feel himself cringing back, his body tensing as he readied himself to duck.

“You’re not fine.” Stark said sharply. 

Loki flinched away from him at the sound of his tone. 

“And- And you look like your fucking terrified that I’m going to hurt you.”

Stark’s face looked furious and it seemed like his eyes were burning into him. Every part of him wanted to run and yet he was frozen in place as his heart hammered through him.

Tears started running down his face and he stared as he saw Stark’s face break. Mortified, Loki started rubbing at his eyes but now that he started he found he couldn’t stop. Tears were streaming down his face and he was making a horrible, disgusting sound. His shoulders were dropping and he couldn’t breathe properly. 

_Useless._

He tried to turn so Stark couldn’t see but it was too late. Stark was already by him, pulling his hands back. 

“I’m sorry,” Stark said. 

For some reason that just made him cry even more. 

“I can’t, I can’t do this,” Loki mumbled through his tears. 

Stark was clambering up onto the sofa and yanking him close. The world around him was feeling too surreal for him to really react. All he knew was he was getting Stark’s shirt wet. 

“You can.” Stark said, “What do you think you’ve been doing this whole time?” 

_Failing. Wasting everyone’s time._

“You’ve held on a lot longer than most people would,” Stark murmured, “You’re still here, aren’t you?”

“I don’t want to be,” Loki said between sobs.

“I know.”

Loki didn’t know how long he cried for with Stark murmuring to him for but in an odd way he didn’t want it to end but like everything it did and eventually he was calm enough that he stopped. It was like a storm had come over him. He had lost complete control and yet now it was over he couldn’t be mad at it, instead he was left with a feeling that something was missing.

He let go of Stark, sitting up properly, as he wiped his face. Loki felt one of Stark’s hands still resting on him. It was warm against him.

“I can fix this,” Stark said softly, “If you talk to me. Properly this time.”

_You can’t fix this._

Loki gave a half smile, “There’s nothing to fix.”

Stark frowned at him but this time Loki found no anger rise in him. He let himself sink back in the seat slightly.

“Do you really expected me to believe that?”

Loki let out a little huff. His mind twisting over things before replying, “I’ll be alright,” Loki said slowly, “Just everything with Doom… it’s taking time to fix.”

“This is just about Doom, huh?” Stark asked with an eyebrow quirked.

Loki didn’t quite meet Stark’s gaze when he nodded. He heard Stark let out a sigh and as he stood up Loki found he couldn’t quite distinguish Stark’s expression.

“I’m coming back in a day or two to check up on you.”

“I don’t need-”

Stark cut right through him, “If you won’t talk to a professional then you going to talk someone so you’re stuck with me, alright?”

Stark looked at him with such intensity that Loki couldn’t help but nod, even though it felt like a death sentence. If Svadilfari caught Stark in here, it wouldn’t end well.

Loki watched with a dry mouth as Stark began to walk out. A feeling of relief was about to wash over him when Stark stopped and picked up something from the side. Loki couldn’t make out that he was turning it over in his hands until Stark turned around and then Loki knew it was his tablet. A tablet that’s screen was cracked beyond repair.

“What happened to this?” Stark asked with an incredulous tone.

Loki laced his fingers together, trying to find a voice that sounded convincing.

“I broke it,” Loki lied.

Stark’s eyebrows rose higher than Loki had ever seen as he looked down at the tablet and then back at him.

“You can’t _just_ break this,” Stark said, “I made these I should know. They are the best on the market.”

“You’re obviously not as good as you think you are.” Loki snapped.

Loki saw Stark’s eyes flare and a cold feeling ran down his back. Yet suddenly the look faded and despite his shoulders not dropping back to their relaxed state, Stark smiled. Loki had seen that smile before but it had always been on TV or in magazines, he’d never seen it in person. Stark’s body looked angry and yet he was smiling, he was setting the tablet down.

“I’ll get you the newest model delivered.”

And with that he was gone, leaving Loki to blink. He did not understand what had happened. With a look like that Stark should have shouted, yelled, done something. Yet it was like nothing had happened.

Loki lay back down on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. It was odd but a part of him felt a little bit better and he wasn’t entirely sure why but stranger still there was a part of him that was hoping Stark wasn’t lying that he would come again. Loki rolled his eyes, he really was losing it.

When Svadilfari finally came home Loki had already got rid of Stark’s drink, leaving no evidence Stark had ever been. Loki only let himself breathe properly the next day when Svadilfari had still made no comments or asked any questions. His day was able to continue without incident.

Over the rest of the week Stark didn’t come and Loki couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit disappointed. It felt like the only thing that reminded him of the turn of a new day was the nausea that followed him. He couldn’t remember a morning where he wasn’t looking at the bottom of a toilet bowl.

One particular day stood out the most. It was the day he stared into the bowl and saw blood. An odd numbness washed over him, a mixture of fear but most of all relief. He flushed and walked out of the bathroom. He spoke of it to no one because there was nothing worth telling.

Loki lay staring across the living room, time sliding around him, making him feel less a part of the world around him. Even when Svadilfari came home, the feeling remained as he just moved around him until Svadilfari suddenly pierced through it all.

"Get dressed," Svadilfari grunted.

Loki sat up, pushing his hair out of his face, "Why?" He said, his voice rough from disuse.

"The Avengers want to have another one of their _meetings_ ," Svadilfari said his voice filled with disdain. 

Loki resisted the urge to sigh. The idea of a meeting sounded like too much effort, the movement alone seemed like too much strain and that wasn’t including the social interactions with people that didn’t even like him.

"They don't need me."

Svadilfari was stood closer now as he said, "They want you there."

Loki gave a small shrug, shuffling back into the sofa.

“You don’t care about stopping Doctor Doom,” Svadilfari said.

Loki rested his head on the arm of the sofa, only able to see up to Svadilfari’s shoulders. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He cared a lot. He couldn’t wait for the day when he cut Doom’s head from his shoulders, he couldn’t wait to make him suffer, make him bleed. He wanted Doom to feel everything that he had felt and more. Loki would make him regret ever looking at him.

Yet this meeting would bring them no closer to stopping Doom. The Avengers were just bickering children who didn’t understand a single thing about magic. They wouldn’t march straight to the source, straight to his front door and confront Doom. Loki would do it himself someday.

Loki gave a shrug again in response because that was just easier. He didn’t want to explain himself.

Loki felt a harsh grip in his hair and then he wasn’t on the sofa. He was being yanked off into the air by his hair. Loki let out a loud cry. His scalp felt like it was on fire and it took all of him not to scream. His hands flew wildly, grabbling with Svadilfari’s wrists and arms to relieve the strain.

"Svadilfari!" Loki begged but he was completely ignored.

His heart was pounding in his chest and yet his arms and legs felt sluggish, frozen in place, as he was dragged across the room. His legs didn’t reach the ground, his toes only just brushing against the carpet. The only control he had was his hands gripping onto Svadilfari’s as he tried to pry his hands off but he even managed to fail at that.

Then all at once the hold on him was gone and he was falling. Loki landed hard on the bedroom floor, his wrists jarring as he just managed not to crack his head open. Looking up, he saw Svadilfari stood over him, strands of hair caught between his fingers.

"Get dressed," Svadilfari glowered as Loki pulled himself up, "You might not give a shit about looking after yourself but _I_ do. We need to make sure Doom is stopped and if that means going to the meetings then so be it.”

Loki stood frozen in the middle of the room. His head still burnt and his hands would not stop shaking. He could hear himself making small gulps of air, a pathetic sound, as he tried to ignore the burning of his eyes.

“Are you even fucking listening to me?” Svadilfari snapped, taking a step closer, “Pull yourself together and get ready, _now._ ”

Loki could feel his knees threatening to buckle and a part of himself was screaming at himself to pull himself together and yet all he could do was stare at Svadilfari’s burning eyes and at his clenched fists. He knew Svadilfari was moments from losing it and his pulse quickened at the thought of what would happen.

He just wanted to see the softness in Svadilfari’s eyes. He wanted Svadilfari to tell him that everything was going to okay but right now that was impossible. Once again Loki was messing up, he was letting Svadilfari down and ignoring what he wanted.  

“ _Loki.”_ Svadilfari snarled through his thoughts.

His voice shattered him and Loki felt himself moving to the wardrobe. He felt himself pulling clothes on, hands shaking as he tried his best to get dressed as quickly as possible. It didn’t feel like he was doing any of it instead it felt like he was watching from afar. Emotions were rushing through his body so quickly Loki could feel himself drowning in them, becoming numb as they consumed him.  

Svadilfari grabbed him roughly and he found himself being lead out of the apartment and into the corridor. The whole walk was a blur of corridors and floors. He could feel the tension of Svadilfari radiating off him and yet with each step his posture changed and his face relaxed to hide any emotions he had from sight. Loki on the other hand only managed to stop himself from being trembling all over as they entered the meeting room.

The lights in the room felt too bright. Everyone seemed to turn to see who had entered and Loki swore their eyes were cutting into him. As Loki moved to sit the walls of the room felt like they were closing inwards on him.

He knew Coulson was speaking but he wasn’t talking loud enough. The words were flowing over him, each word making sense on their own but together they might as well have been a dead language.

Loki looked up and met Svadilfari’s eyes and he swore he could see red reflecting in his eyes, he swore his whole face was bathed in the red light of an emergency light.

A phone rang. The loud piercing beeps filled the air and Loki’s skin crawled. He could hear the shuddering of a metal door rising. He could see the darkness of the enclosed space opening into the piercing white light as metal arms wrapped around his wrists. He could see the clear tubes trailing across the floor, ready to be put into his veins.

Loki squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. It was not real. 

The lights above seemed to beat down on him. They were so much brighter. They were white.

Loki tried to take a couple of deep breaths but that only seemed to make it harder to breathe. His chest was tight and each breath was only coming in and out faster as his body struggled to get air, his breathing was erratic and he felt himself reeling inside.  

He rose abruptly to his feet, stumbling to the door as best as he could. His heart was crashing against his chest and he was sure it would burst through at any moment. With each step, he felt the pins and needles down his arms become even more intense.

"Where are you going?" Svadilfari demanded. 

"Ég fer á baðherbergið," Loki choked out.

He pushed himself through the door and made his escape down the corridor. Loki knew he must have staggered down the hall but at this point he was just focused on keeping himself upright.

He fumbled with each door until he found a bathroom and almost fell through the doorway. The door slammed behind him and he slid the lock, moments before his body gave out and he fell to the ground.

Loki lost all semblance of control over his breathing, all that seemed to stop his breathing becoming any faster was the burning of his lungs and the pain of his throat. He was drowning. Panic was running through his veins thicker than his blood. He wanted to scream but all he could do was bury his head in his knees, his last comfort. His whole body was shuddering, shaking and shivering and he hated every moment. He had lost control of his own body and mind.

White.

He could still see that room, he could still remember every part of it. He could still remember how much it hurt to have his magic torn from him. He could still remember what it was like to drown over and over again or have his skin torn from his back. He knew what it was like to want to beg but knowing that what he wanted didn’t matter. He could remember what it was like to be broken every day and then discarded back into darkness.

He shuddered and tried to push past the memories that didn’t feel as distant as they should have been. He didn't want to remember anymore. Loki closed his eyes tight, trying to find some comfort in its darkness. There was never any pain in the dark. Nothing could hurt him when it was dark.

_Only yourself._

The world was spinning separately from him as he stayed in his darkness, away from the white waiting outside, away from Svadilfari covered in red light, away from the metal hands that promised only pain. In the dark Doom couldn’t rip his magic out of him. He couldn’t hurt him. Even here, Svadilfari couldn’t hurt him.

Loki gasped and gasped until his body forced him to breathe. Even then his breathing was laboured but at least the panic was easing. He stayed curled in on himself in his own perceived darkness, trying not to think about how badly he had failed to control himself. It was completely pathetic. He shouldn’t be as weak as he was.

Eventually Loki was able to bring himself to carefully open his eyes. At first the light was painfully white but when Loki looked up he could make out the warm yellows that fell around him. His shoulders dropped and he let out a soft sigh. He was in Stark Tower and not in the past.

Loki dragged himself up onto shaking legs that had slowly begun to feel like his own once more. As Loki straightened his hair in the mirror he couldn’t help but despise the weakness he could see in his eyes. He looked so small and lost. Glaring, Loki forced his eyes to glaze over into a hardness until he felt a mask of calm envelope his shaken foundations. 

He slowly made his way back to the meeting room. He wondered how long it had been since his rushed exited and he couldn’t stop the anger rising up inside him. He needed to be less obvious, now the Avengers and Svadilfari would want answers and he knew they wouldn’t like what he had to say.  

Yet as Loki stepped into the meeting room, there something else that had taken everyone’s attention. In fact no one noticed that he was stood in the doorway, he might as well have been invisible.

Everyone’s attention was trained on the centre of the room and when Loki took in the sight he felt his mouth become dry. Svadilfari was stood inches away from Thor. His eyes were blazing with rage and his lips were pulled back into an animalistic snarl. Thor was glowering back, his fists clenched as he let out a sound that sounded strangely like a growl.

"You think I'm a fool!" Svadilfari snarled.

Thor’s face twisted, “Was there another conclusion I was supposed to come to?”

Svadilfari became dangerously close to Thor’s face as he ignored his retort, "Anyone can see you don't approve of me, in fact you hate me. Don’t you dare deny it! I suppose I can’t blame you since I have something you want.”

"How dare you suggest-"

Svadilfari gave Thor a shove, "Yes, I dare! You can't mind your own fucking business," Svadilfari glared at him, "You only want Loki now because you can’t have him. You’re nothing but a child, throwing a toy away and being angry when someone else takes it.”  

“You speak falsehoods,” Thor growled over the sudden sound of thunder outside that caused Loki to flinch, "Loki is my brother, I have never thrown him away. You do not understand the first thing about my brother or the reasons for my dislike of your character."

Svadilfari snorted, he drew back from Thor and it was like his anger seeped away to be replaced by a dangerous coldness. It was so sudden that Loki wanted to recoil back and leave the scene but his feet were stuck and he found he was unable to move them.

“You do not know your brother at all and you certainly don’t care about him like I do, ” Svadilfari paused, his head tilted to the side as he regarded Thor in front of him, who looked moments away from beating him into a wall. His next words were spoken slowly, “You claim to know your brother so well?”

“Of course,” Thor said through his teeth.

“If you two were so close then answer me this, on Loki’s coming of age what title did the Norns give him?”

Thor seemed to freeze and Loki saw confusion edging across his face as anger became momentarily forgotten. Loki could feel dread sinking into his stomach but he did nothing, feeling like an observer.

"Loki was given the title of God of Mischief and Lies," Thor replied with a hesitant edge.

Svadilfari actually let out an audible growl. He could see something flickering behind Svadilfari’s eyes once more.

“No, he wasn’t,” Svadilfari snarled, slamming his hand down on the table so hard that it should have broken. 

"You accuse me of lying, Son of Clark?" Thor boomed. 

“That or you are lying to yourself,” Svadilfari clenched his fists, “Loki isn’t the God of Lies, you of all people should know that. That wasn’t a name the Norns gave him that is something that was thrown on him,” He spat, “You might be right that he is a God of Mischief but that isn’t his real moniker. He is the God of Chaos.”

Loki could see tremors running through Svadilfari’s hands and yet Loki was trapped, his eyes wide.

"You disgusts me. You claim to know him, to love him and yet you restrain him and hold him back. That is what Asgard does. It is a stagnant Realm that is so far up its own arse that is can’t find the need for Chaos. Loki is entropy, he is change, chaos and mischief and without him everything remains unmoved and unchallenged. You _need_ him but all you do is label him a liar.” 

Svadilfari was visibly shaking with anger and Thor was staring at him. 

"You don’t know what you speak of,” Thor said, “I have never tried to make Loki what he is not-"

Svadilfari let out a sharp laugh, "That is all you have ever done. It’s what you're doing right now. You want to manipulate Loki until he accepts you back and then you will forget him again."

"I would not!"

"Then where were you?" Svadilfari suddenly shouted, "When he needed you, where the fuck were you?"

"You think I did not try?" Thor snapped, "I tried many times to visit him in his banishment but he would not see me."

"So you gave up, didn't you?"

“I thought only to give him time to think,” Thor said, “I was respecting his wish for space.”

"Admit it, you gave up on him because it got hard, just like you always do. I mean convincing him when he lives in the same place is a hell of a lot easier isn't it?" Svadilfari growled, "And when he accepts you back as a brother you'll be gone again. You won't be there when he needs you."

"I am always there when he needs me!" Thor took a threatening step forward. 

Svadilfari gave him a twisted version of a smile, his voice went low, "You were, weren't you?" His voice was smooth with something darker lingering under the surface, "When he needed you most you were there to hold your _dearest brother_ down whilst Dwarfs sewed his lips shut."

Thor’s eyes flew wide. It was as if his face was ripped apart by a storm. All Loki could see was Thor’s face filled with regret and _pain._ Loki found himself stepping into the room, towards Svadilfari, and becoming more than an observer as the Avengers were.

"Stop it." Loki said but his voice came out small.

Svadilfari gaze were blazing now and he showed no sign that he had heard him.

"You held him down as they hurt him! You might as well have done it yourself." Svadilfari snarled, "You have never been there for Loki when he needed it."

Thor's expression that had been so torn became hard and firm, "I have been there longer than you ever have. You have been around barely a fraction of Loki's life."

Svadilfari let out a snarl and Loki saw he was about to launch himself at Thor. Before he could think better of it Loki was between them, his hand on Svadilfari’s chest in an attempt to stop this escalating.

"Stop it, _please_.” Loki said.

Svadilfari eyes turned on him and it was then Loki realised how close he was actually stood to him. He tried to step back but there was no space to go unless he wanted to bump into Thor.

“Are you defending him?” Svadilfari hissed. 

"The past is the past," Loki managed his voice sounding faint.

“Is it?” Svadilfari asked, his voice was ice.

Loki’s nerve gave out and he tried to slide away but Svadilfari’s hands clamped down on his arm. His grip was so tight that Loki felt his eyes widen as he struggled not to let a gasp slip from his lips. If Svadilfari tightened his hands Loki was sure his arms would break.

Out of nowhere Stark’s voice broke in, “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let go of Loki.”

Svadilfari growled, “Stay out of this Stark.”

Svadilfari’s grip tightened and Loki found himself being dragging forward away from Thor and Stark. He stumbled slightly, trying to pull Svadilfari’s hands off but it was like they were made of iron.

“Fuck you,” Stark snapped, “Get off him now and stop this stupid temper tantrum. You and Thor can compare dick sizes somewhere else.”

Thunder crashed down outside as rain started slashing against the windows and it was then that Loki noticed that Thor had Mjolnir in his grip. Svadilfari’s grip on him was suddenly relinquished as he started striding towards Stark. Loki spotted a sudden white light radiating from Stark’s outstretched palm.

“Don’t test me.” Stark spat out.

Instead of a shout breaking through the impending fight, it was strained words.

“I would really like it everyone would stop fighting.”

Loki turned to see Banner facing them, his skin had a strange green tinge to it. He was such a small man but right now he looked moments away from exploding outwards.

Loki watched as Stark lowered his hand and Thor took a step back, their eyes filled with a weariness. Svadilfari was frowning, his body still tense with anger but Loki could see that even he was a little wary.

"As interesting as this," Coulson cut in, "Can everyone sit down so we can get on with this meeting. It isn’t like we are running late or anything.”

There was a tense moment where everyone was looking at each other as if to see who would make the first move and then one by one everyone moved to sit down. The last person to sit around the table was Svadilfari whose gaze was boring holes into Thor, who was glaring with equal measure.

The rest of the meeting was tense. The unresolved argument lingered in the air and the pointlessness of the meeting didn't help matters. It was simply a back and forth of ideas that didn’t go anywhere.

They seemed to have an endless stream of questions that only seemed to lower Loki’s faith that any of them possessed any knowledge of magic. In fact it made him want to apologise to Thor for ever putting him down for his knowledge of magic. Loki answered each of their answers but his usual smugness felt muted as he kept glancing over at Svadilfari who sat in stony silence.

It eventually sank into politics between the US and Latveria which in itself proved even more pointless. The political power the Avengers held in Loki’s opinion was pathetically weak.

By the end of the meeting it felt like they had moved no closer to finding a solution instead the air around them only seemed to be thicker. Loki left quickly this time, not giving Stark a chance to grab hold of him. Instead he moved quickly down the corridors with Svadilfari beside him and an unnerved feeling resting in his chest.

Even as they entered the apartment, Svadilfari didn’t say a word. It was like Svadilfari wasn’t even there. Loki swallowed watching as Svadilfari continued striding until he disappearing into their bedroom. 

Loki sat on the sofa for a moment, his stomach twisting painfully tight. He stared at the blank TV, trying not to look back at the bedroom door and yet it was all he could think of. Loki gritted his teeth, looking down at his fingers that were beginning to shake again, he glared at them and willed them to stop but they did not cease.  

Inside the room Loki heard a loud crash, followed by the sound of something shattering. Loki bit his lip, glancing at the bedroom door. For a few moments he stared at the door, his legs unmoving before he was able to will himself to stand and slowly walk to the door. He swallowed and slowly swung the door open.

"Svadilfari?" Loki asked uncertainly as he stepped into the room, glancing at the broken and singed fragments on the ground. 

Svadilfari turned his gaze on him and Loki flinched. Svadilfari’s illusion was stripped once more and instead of his Sean persona, there stood the true Svadilfari with his twisting tattoos and eyes that seemed to burn.

"I want to kill him." Svadilfari snarled, stepping over the broken mess of furniture.

"What?" Loki managed to say, focusing on holding his ground.

"Thor," Svadilfari said with more venom than Loki had ever heard, "He thinks he's so fucking great, doesn't he?" 

Svadilfari slammed his fist onto the dresser, denting it, which caused a small mirror tumbled off and crack on the ground. Loki stared down at the broken glass scattered across the carpet.

"He thinks he can interfere with relationships that don't concern him."

Loki swallowed, "Thor doesn't always realise-"

"Are you defending him again?" Svadilfari said, moving towards him.

Loki shook his head as he felt his heart rise into his throat. He started backing up but this only caused Svadilfari’s expression to grow darker and he stalked forward, only stopping when Loki found himself almost backed up to the wall. 

"Don't lie to me."

"I- I'm not."

"Yes you are," Svadilfari snarled.

His fist was raised now and Loki flinched at the sight, pressing his back against the wall. The only thought that ran through his head was _this was going to hurt._  

"Thor interferes in places he isn't wanted.. I- I know that," Loki stuttered out, "That isn't a reason to want to kill him."

Svadilfari narrowed his eyes and it was only his gaze that could take him apart so effectively. In all his life he had never felt so small than when Svadilfari was looking at him right now.

"I suppose not," Svadilfari said dryly, "But I see the way he looks at you, the way he treats you. He wants to win you back."

"You don’t need to worry about our relationship." Loki said, his voice so faint it was barely audible.

Svadilfari features twist, "You're going to let him win, aren't you? You're going to crawl back to your _brother_ and fall back into your role of a faithful dog following him around and clearing up his messes."

"I never said that." 

"But it’s written all over your stupid fucking face," Svadilfari hissed, "He doesn’t care about you. He only talks to you when you’re useful, you realise that don’t you?”

Loki stared at him, frozen in place. Thor wasn’t someone he liked to think about too much because when he did it was complicated. In all their years there had been moments when Thor had been there for him and other where he was nowhere in sight. Thor cared about him and yet Loki could feel doubt creeping in. There was no one that actually wanted him, he should know that by now.

Svadilfari moved back, kicking the base of the mirror out of the way. Its metal base hit the wall across the room with a clang. Loki noticed in a detached way that Svadilfari had damaged the paintwork.

"I'm trying to protect you, Thor’s only going to hurt you. When he has you back, he'll lose interest in you. You are _nothing_ to him."

"I don't need your protection from Thor. I know what he can be like,"

"Do you?" Svadilfari span back, his voice rising, "You seem to have an endless amount of forgiveness for him. Is there any wrong he can do in your eyes or is it just me?"

Loki stared at him, "What?"

Svadilfari let out a growl and backhanded across the face. Loki's head snapped back and collided hard with the wall. He could taste blood in his mouth as pain rocked through his skull. 

"Don't pretend to be oblivious," Svadilfari hissed, "You think I don't know how you've already forgiven Thor but not me."

Loki swallowed, trying to ignore the metallic taste,  "I-I don’t.. understand,” Loki managed to say, “I never said I'd forgiven Thor."

"But you will. You always do and then he'll turn you against me."

"No," Loki said, taking a step towards him and tried desperately to reach out to him but Svadilfari easily avoided his hands.

"He'll take you from me!" Svadilfari yelled. 

"He won't," Loki promised.

Svadilfari was suddenly there, his arms on his chest as he slammed him back into the wall. Loki could feel himself trembling under his grip.

"How can you be sure?" He growled.

"I'm not going to leave you," Loki said, cringing at the pleading tone to his voice.

He looked up at Svadilfari but he saw no response, only cold eyes as Svadilfari’s fist slammed into his face. Loki cried out as his body became laced with pain. He raised his hands to stop the towering force above him but it was no use. Svadilfari fist came down harder this time. There was a sickening cracking sound and pain crashed against him. One of his hands came up to his face and came away red. He knew, with an odd numbness, that his nose was broken. 

"I'm not.. going to.." Loki gasped, his voice sounding odd.

"Liar," Svadilfari said, his voice shaking with rage, “I’m not an idiot.”

Loki shook his head, trying to slip out from between him but his hands wrapped around his throat, holding him in place. Loki quivered. He felt vulnerable with Svadilfari’s hands around his neck and not a single plan in his head. His hands came up around Svadilfari’s and he tried to loosen them but this only ended with him tightening them.

"So you were joking when you told me you needed space?" Svadilfari glowered, “Were you joking when you tried to break up with me? You tried to leave me, don’t even try to lie about that.”

“It was a mistake, I wasn't thinking properly.”

The hands around his throat tightened and he felt himself rise until his toes could barely touch the ground. Loki choked against Svadilfari's hands. He clawed at the hands, drawing blood, as he tried desperately to get enough air. 

"You never fucking think. After everything I’ve done for you, you were going to leave."

His grip tightened, cutting off his supply of air. Loki gagged and thrashed against his grip, his hands failing to loosen Svadilfari’s grasp as they went painfully numb. Panic began to set in when Loki realised he couldn’t feel his legs anymore.

"All because you couldn’t accept who I am!" Svadilfari yelled but his voice had never sounded so far away, "I accepted you but you can’t accept me. You can’t stand that I lied about who I was but you can easily forgive Thor. I bet you still believe all Asgard’s fucking lies about me." 

Svadilfari lifted his hand until Loki’s legs dangled completely off the ground and then squeezed. Loki choked. He clawed wildly at the hands around his throat. He might have been crying but he found it didn’t matter.

"I… c-an't… breathe..." Loki gasped.

His lungs were burning. Panic flooded his bloodstream. He could feel his chest convulsing, trying to find air that wasn’t there. His legs were failing uselessly below him but his whole world had shrunk to the hands cutting off his air.

Then the grip was gone and Loki dropped like a rock. He struck the ground so hard that it jolted his body. Loki gasped, gulped and coughing as the relief of air filled him.

"It's all about you, isn't it?" Svadilfari snarled.

Svadilfari dragged his head up by his hair. Loki cried out against the sharp burn and grabbed at Svadilfari’s wrists trying to lessen the pull but it had no effect. 

"You're pathetic," Svadilfari spat, "You spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself."

"I don't-"

Svadilfari kicked him in the face and Loki screamed. His arms wrapped protectively around his head but that did little to stop the series of hard kicks that Svadilfari sent to his stomach. Each kick had him crying out in agony but this only seemed to make Svadilfari kick him harder. By the time Svadilfari stopped he was left half curled on the ground, gasping in pain, as he tried to cover whichever part Svadilfari went to kick next.

"Shut up! Shut up!" Svadilfari snarled, "It's not all about you! What about me? I try so fucking hard but it’s never enough for you."

Loki felt a harsh grip in his hair yank him upwards and suddenly he was on his feet. His whole body quivering, warm blood running down his chin.

“You think I don’t know that you’ll try to leave me again?”

"I won’t.." Loki whispered.

Loki looked up at Svadilfari through his hazy vision. He could see the twist of rage in his face and the clenching of his fists.

_He is going to kill me._

Svadilfari struck him again and again and Loki’s world turned back to pain and fear. There was someone crying out but all he could focus on was Svadilfari’s fist before he came to meet his skin and send him reeling in even more pain.  

"Do you know what it would do to me if you left? Do you even care?" Svadilfari said, his voice sounding breathless now, cracking in places, “I have no one else, Loki. Thor made sure of that.”

Loki could feel liquid dripping down his face but through the pain he couldn’t distinguish blood from tears.

"They killed my father," Svadilfari gasped out, "They murdered the only family I have and then they erased us and took credit for everything we built. Without you, I am nothing."

Loki swallowed. His body was trembling. Loki tried to answer but he couldn't find any words, he was so scared if he said something Svadilfari would hit him again.

“But you're too fucking selfish, aren't you?” Svadilfari clenched his jaw, “You don’t care about me.”

Svadilfari flung an ornament at him and Loki ducked just in time to avoid it, causing it to shatter across the ground. Svadilfari snarled and shoved him. Loki tumbled and fell into the broken shards, his hands slicing open.

"You’re pathetic," Svadilfari said, his voice cutting into him deeper than any of the shards.

By the time Loki looked up the bedroom door had slammed shut. Loki was motionless as he heard the main door slam as well and he was left completely alone. The room was filled with a silence and an empty feeling settled in the air.

Loki slowly dragged himself into a sitting position, his back resting against the wall. He stared at his bloodied palms that had been torn open by the shards.

He hurt. His whole body hurt and despite Svadilfari being gone, his heart was still pounding in his chest. There was a feeling rushing through his body and he tried to ignore it but it felt like it was consuming him. He was scared. 

Loki swallowed and took a couple of breaths to try to calm himself. After a moment he tried to stand but he was shaking too hard. His body was trembling. His heart was crashing out of his chest. He could feel the way the whole situation rose in his chest and then overwhelmed him, he no longer had the strength to stop tears from falling down his face.

It wasn’t supposed to get this bad. It was never supposed to get this bad. Yet he was here and he had fucked up this time. Svadilfari hated him. He had made Svadilfari think that he wanted to leave but he hadn’t, there had never been a moment he had ever wanted to leave him. He loved him. Svadilfari loved. He would never hurt him.

Loki let out a sob. He was a liar, just like Svadilfari had told him he was. He couldn’t count the number of times Svadilfari had promised that he would never do it again. Yet he always hoped that this time he meant it because when Svadilfari was happy, there was nowhere else he wanted to be. Svadilfari was the only thing he had left, he had lost everything else. There was no point living if Svadilfari wasn’t there. Yet as Loki stared at the blood on his hand, he wondered if it was worth it. He didn’t want to get hurt again.

He dragged himself up and stepped over the ruins of their bedroom and into the bathroom. Loki washed his hands under the tap. He watched the water turn from a dirty brown to a bright red as a stinging sensation came over him. He watched, detached, as the red swirled down the plug only to be replaced with more. 

Loki finally had the courage to look up in the mirror and he wished he hadn't. He was covered in injuries from his eyes that were red, glistening and bruised to his nose that was at the wrong angle, still swollen and bloody, from where Svadilfari had most likely broken it. Ugly bruises covered his face, his throat and probably his chest from how much it still hurt. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stared at the blood for a moment. He was a mess.

Loki felt his stomach sink and he had to look away from his reflection. No matter what he did Svadilfari was always mad at him. He needed to try harder. He needed to be better. He needed to be less selfish, he had to stop being so pathetic, and then maybe Svadilfari wouldn’t hit him.

_He is never going to stop. That sort of temper doesn’t disappear._

Loki froze as Stark’s words washed over him. They seemed like they had been said a lifetime a go and yet they still caused him to clench his hands in response despite the horrible pain it caused.

Stark had thought what Svadilfari did to him was abuse. Abuse happened to other people, it happened to women and children but it didn't happen to him. Svadilfari loved him. They were nothing without each other. It couldn’t be abuse if Svadilfari loved him.

_I know Sean’s hurting you._

Loki felt a sickness roll over him. Stark had been so shocked at the bruises he had that night. He had been angry and upset. Stark had thought it was wrong that Svadilfari hurt him. He hadn’t known how to explain that this was different. He didn’t know how to tell Stark that so long as Svadilfari stayed after he had hurt him that it made it okay.

Yet as Loki stared at the blood running from his split lip, Loki realised how scared and alone he really was. Loki could feel tears running down his face. There was when a part of him that broke, a part of him that couldn’t take this anymore. He didn’t want to get hit anymore. He didn’t want to look at his partner and see the person everyone told him had... He didn’t want to keep thinking about the person who had hurt him in those woods back in his younger years. He didn’t want to be scared of saying the wrong thing and getting hurt. He didn’t want to live on the edge, always scared that Svadilfari was going to hurt him. Except it wasn’t a game of _if_ he was going to hurt him, it was more of _when_.

_This was abuse._

The words caused him to let out a sound that sounded more like an animal. Yes, maybe this was abuse but that didn’t mean he knew what to do. If he tried to leave the beating would be nothing compared to this and worse still if he actually managed to do it, Svadilfari would kill himself. He had told him he would. A small piece of doubt washed over him and yet Loki didn’t think he could risk it. He still loved Svadilfari. Despite everything, Svadilfari was a good person, he was kind to him. He was nothing without him.

Even without all this, Stark couldn’t protect him. Svadilfari wasn't mortal and he could easily kill Stark and for a strange reason he didn’t want that. Anyway Stark wouldn’t give him protection now. Loki had lied to him.

Loki felt sobs rising up inside him again. He couldn’t understand why this wasn’t simple. If he didn’t like this situation he could just walk away, if he didn’t want to be hit again then he could just leave, Svadilfari’s suicide be damned. Yet he didn’t. He wouldn’t.

He had ruined any chance of help, Stark wouldn’t believe him now that he had lied. Stark would probably laugh at him. Loki had stood there and let this happen to him. He had no one to blame but himself. Even if Stark believed him, he would tell Thor and Loki didn’t think he could bare for Thor to realise how weak he was.

Loki sank to the ground. 

No, he was making a big deal out of nothing. It was as he told Stark, it was just fights and squabbles. He was a warrior, he wouldn’t just let someone beat him. He could stop Svadilfari from hurting him at any time so he had let this happen.

If Thor found out who Sean was, he would kill him. He would never understand how much Loki loved him despite the past. Loki couldn’t let himself be alone again. Things were better this way. Svadilfari hadn’t meant what he had done, he just had a temper.

Loki pulled himself up. 

No one thought he was worth love but he was. Svadilfari loved him. He wouldn’t let anyone take that away from him. 

Loki stepped back into their bedroom, ignoring the throbbing pain and instead looked at the mess. He stared down at the shattered mirror scattered across the floor and saw his reflection split and cut into a million pieces. _Broken._  

Loki let out a growl and started throwing the pieces into the bin, not caring if he cut up his hands further. He just didn't want to see that face anymore. He didn’t want to see his weakness. He was pathetic. He was useless.

Loki held up the last piece of mirror. It was a long ragged shard and he found it impossible not to see the horrible broken mess that was his face. The sight made him feel sick. He hated himself. 

Loki held the shard to his wrist and pressing it to his skin. Maybe there really was some way he could bleed his sickness out of him. Maybe he could slice out everything that was wrong with him.

Loki dragged the shard across his skin. He gasped as a sharp pain bloomed across his arm. Blood swelled and then dripped down his wrist and elbow. He slashed at his arm again, holding back the gasp, as more pain blazed across his skin. They weren’t deep enough to kill him but it was enough to hurt him. It was enough that he could feel the throb, he could see his blood. It was the first time that he had caused his own pain. It was the first time he was in control and there was something about that, that made the pain comforting.

Loki dropped the shard into the bin along with the rest and the mirror became mixed with his blood, creating a red blurred image of himself. Everything was fine. He was okay. He was in control. 

Loki sank down on the bed. He sat there staring down at the big angry cuts across his arms that still stung as the bleeding slowed. He could feel himself drifting away as a strange pleasant buzz ran down his spine. His body was on the bed but his mind was floating away. It was better this way when everything drifted around him. He wasn't in pain. He wasn't scared. He was nothing. 

Yet it felt wrong. It was like falling into the void. He was so apart from everything, engulfed in darkness, in the nothingness that made the sense of self become nothing. He was falling, falling and falling. He couldn’t see. He was going to die in the void.

_You will beg for something as sweet as pain._

He could feel himself flailing out. His breath coming out panicked.

_There will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you._

He was trapped and he was never going to die. He would float forever in darkness, all alone.

_Þú munt þekkja frið._

Hands wrapped around his head and he flinched back. He raised his arms protectively around himself. He could feel his heart pounding as he tried to shuffle back but failed. He could hear a strange noise filling the room and it took him a moment to realise it was him.

His eyes flew open and it took him a while to recognise that it was Svadilfari knelt in front of him, eyes staring into him. 

"Loki?" Svadilfari said, an odd desperation to his tone, "Can you hear me?"

Loki swallowed, his breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t help wondering how long Svadilfari had been there. All his previous worries and memories seemed minuscule as he scanned Svadilfari’s face for signs of anger. He didn’t want Svadilfari to still be mad. He didn’t want to be hurt again.

"I'm sorry, I’m sorry," Loki whispered but it didn’t feel enough, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I’m sorry," He said over and over.

It felt like his heart was beating in his skull. He couldn't think straight when his body was shaking. He didn’t want Svadilfari to hit him again. He didn’t want Svadilfari to leave. 

“Ég er fyrirgefðu, Ég er fyrirgefðu,” Loki gasped.

He reached out but couldn’t bring himself to touch Svadilfari for fear his hand would be slapped away. His hand stayed outreached for a moment, quivering in the air, before he let it drop. A moment later he felt the bed dip and he found arms encircling him, drawing him close.

He made an odd hiccupping sound but Svadilfari hushed him, tightening his grip on him. It was almost a relief to be held like this if it wasn’t for the sad smile Svadilfari was giving him. 

“You don’t need to apologise,” Svadilfari murmured, “It's not your fault,”

Loki shook his head, "It is," His voice was shaking, "I should've.. I should've.."

He gasped out when he couldn't quite finish his sentence. It felt like words were leaving him like water through his finger. Everything was spinning too fast for him to think straight. 

"No." Svadilfari insisted.

Svadilfari gently ran his fingers through his hair and Loki found himself sinking. Loki rested his head against his shoulder and accepted the touches. It felt good. It felt right.

They stayed like that for a long time, Loki curling into his warmth and savouring every moment of it in case he lost it. At least he would always have the memory of this. Too soon Svadilfari pulled back and Loki felt the loss as if it physically ached. 

“I'm so sorry,” Svadilfari said, his hands reached out for his face, “I can fix this.”

It was as if his Svadilfari’s hands suddenly became ignited. Red licked across Svadilfari fingers as they began to take on an unnatural glow. Svadilfari touched his face and Loki felt a warmth crawl under his skin. It was slowly at first but gradually the pain in his face slowly seemed to fade and the ache in his nose vanished.

Svadilfari moved his hands down, his fingers brushing against his chest and down his arms. Loki watched all the black and purple of his bruises turned white as if they had been wiped clean away. The cuts along his arms slowly closed up and small slices along his palms and fingers disappeared. 

Loki ran his fingers across the fresh skin. Inside he could feel a strange hysterical laugh trying to force itself from his lips as he realised now there was no proof that anything had ever had happened, the evidence had been washed away.

His fingers hesitated on his arms where the cuts had once been and it was then he felt as if something bigger had been erased. It felt like he was slowly losing more and more control and now it was as if nothing had happened. There was no proof of his fear, there was no blood to show that he had been sure Svadilfari was about to kill him.  

Loki wanted to pick up the shard of the mirror again and slice into his skin. He wanted to see himself bleed, he wanted the pain. His body was no longer his but when that glass had been against his skin, for a single moment he had felt like he had a choice. With no marks on his body it made it feel like nothing had happened.

"I lost my temper," Svadilfari murmured, "You know I didn't mean what I said right?"

Loki raised his gaze and found there was a bitter taste in his mouth. He knew it was a lie. Svadilfari had meant every word. Loki was pathetic. Despite this, Loki gave a small nod as he reached up and threaded his fingers through Svadilfari’s long hair. 

"I'm not going to leave you," Loki promised. 

He didn't want to fight it anymore. He couldn't lose Svadilfari. He just couldn't. 

"I know," Svadilfari said, gently stroking his cheek, "I don’t know what I was thinking..."

Svadilfari's jaw clenched and seemed to glare into the distance. Loki shivered at the sight and couldn’t stop his shoulders dropping and yet when Svadilfari caught sight of him, his gaze softened.

"I just don’t want to lose you."

"You won't," Loki murmured.

A small smile formed across Svadilfari’s face and he said softly, "I don't deserve you."

Loki blinked and he found wasn’t sure how to reply, only that he wanted to argue. Even more confusing was the sad expression that seemed to form across Svadilfari’s face in response.  

"You're not going to leave, are you?" Loki said, a nervous tension forming in him, "I didn't mean to make you mad but I'll try-"

Svadilfari cut him off by suddenly dragging him forward so that he was almost completely on his lap.

"Stop," Svadilfari said, wrapping his arms around his waist, "I'm not going anywhere. _Ever_. Okay?"

Loki felt his eyes being to burn and before anything more could come of it he quickly buried himself into the embrace. Loki didn’t believe him but he wanted to, he wanted to so bad that he was willing to push down the doubt and just pretend it was. He was going to pretend that moments before he hadn’t been thinking about leaving Svadilfari.  

"You're so perfect," Svadilfari said so quietly Loki nearly didn’t catch it.

Loki settled back against him, relaxing as fingers ran through his hair. He savoured it. He didn't know when he was going to lose _this_ so he would take everything he had. 

So later when he found himself being pushed down on the bed, his clothes being pulled off him, he didn’t say no because Svadilfari said he was going to show him how sorry he was and he was looking at him with real affection. He let his body be pinned under Svadilfari’s weight despite how wrong it felt and how much right now he didn’t want it. Loki didn’t want to start another argument, he didn’t want Svadilfari to be angry, so he ignored how each caress felt too hot against his skin and how every thrust was uncomfortable. He ignored how trapped he felt in Svadilfari’s grip. He ignored how when Svadilfari pulled out there was no post bliss, just an awful guilt. 

He wasn’t saying he didn’t love each touch and kiss or the way Svadilfari looked at him, only that it felt wrong. There was a feeling in his stomach that didn't sit right. He felt dirty like he had been injected with a foreign substance and had no choice but to accept it poisoning his blood. All he knew was that he hadn’t wanted to be touched like that, not so soon after what the same hands had done.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the feeling as he curled against Svadilfari and tried to sleep. He lay there listening to Svadilfari sleep and was slowly lulled by the sound of his breath. He tried to tell himself that he didn't want to be anywhere else and this was where he was meant to be. Except a thought leaked into his head. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be anywhere else, maybe it was that he had nowhere else to go and that there was no way to escape this relationship.

Loki felt a horrible twist in his stomach when he looked at Svadilfari’s sleeping face. He was a man whose hands could give him nothing but love and affection and at the same time his hands could give him nothing but pain and suffering. Loki didn’t think he could take this anymore, he wanted to leave. Loki let his fall eyes shut once more as the memory of Stark’s words washed over him. 

_He is never going to stop._

_I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your patience and support as you can see I'm definitely trying harder to push chapters out quicker. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, it was certainly angsty


	16. Chapter 16

Loki woke up the same way he always seemed to do with his body bent over as he vomited all the food from the day before. He thought he'd be used to throwing up nearly every day by now and yet he could never get past the nausea that lingered or perhaps it was the sight of blood he caught sight of.

Loki pushed past the thoughts and distracted himself by brushing his teeth to get rid of the horrible taste that remained in his mouth. As he did so Loki couldn’t help catching sight of himself in the mirror. His face looked paler than usual but what caught his eye was how unmarked he was. There was not a single bruise to be found on his skin. It was as if nothing had happened.

Loki rinsed his mouth and set his brush down. He tried to push himself to go back into the bedroom but he found he was hesitant, he didn’t want to look at that room. He didn’t want to look at Svadilfari.

Loki turned his gaze back to the mirror. He couldn’t help thinking that his face should be obscured by bruises. Svadilfari had said he would fix what he had done but Loki couldn’t help feeling that nothing had changed. Svadilfari hadn’t cured anything, all he had done was cover it up. He had used his magic to remove his injuries but that didn’t change what had happened. It certainly didn’t remove the memories and feelings of fear that he had felt.

Loki knew he had been in the wrong. He had been the one to make Svadilfari angry. Loki clenched his jaw as an odd wave fell over him. He didn’t understand why everything had to be his fault all time.

_Pathetic._

Loki rested his hands on the sink. He felt himself swallow as he found himself wondering how long it would be until Svadilfari got angry again. One of these days Svadilfari was going to do a lot worse than what he had done last night and Loki didn’t know if he would be able to stop him. He didn’t know if he wanted to.

It wasn’t that Loki could blame Svadilfari for his anger. After all Loki had betrayed Svadilfari by trying to walk out on him. Svadilfari had done so much for him and all Loki had ever done was let him down. Svadilfari had forgiven him for all the messed up things he had done in the past and yet Loki couldn’t get past a couple of rape allegations.

Loki paused.

They weren’t allegations. He could remember what happened, he could remember what state he had been found in and he could remember Thor’s reaction. All of that couldn’t be a fabrication and yet Loki was a liar. He had been young back then, a person that felt no longer part of him, but even back then he had a lot of training behind him and he had all of his magic so if he hadn’t have wanted Svadilfari he could have stopped him. It had been lies to make him look weak.

Loki felt his head drop. If it was all lies, then Loki couldn’t understand why he was still plagued with memories. He could still remember being pinned down to the ground, hands touching places that felt so very wrong and above all else he had felt consumed with helplessness and confusion.

After the incident, Thor had never been quite the same. Loki remembered he had always been a bit protective and yet after that Thor had been borderline paranoid of any potential suitors. Loki pretended to be annoyed but in some ways it had been a relief.

Yet despite all of this Loki couldn’t help thinking that maybe he had remembered this all wrong. Svadilfari had a temper and he wasn’t always perfect but he would never purposely hurt him. Svadilfari loved him. He had tried to fix last night, it wasn’t his fault that Loki was incapable of forgiveness. Compared to Svadilfari, he was nothing. He was weak and unworthy. He should have killed himself by now but he couldn’t even get that right.

Loki was startled from his thoughts as he felt arms wrap around his waist. He looked up in the mirror and realised it was Svadilfari behind him with a small smile spread across his face. Loki felt him press a trail of kisses down his neck. 

"You're up early," Svadilfari murmured into his skin. 

"I couldn't sleep," Loki said.

Loki felt his breath hitch when a hand slid under his shirt and his skin felt like it was on fire. Loki tried to move out of Svadilfari's hold but he found he couldn't slip away easily. He felt his trousers being pulled down and he was pushed up against the cold tiles of the wall. One of his hands snaked down into his trousers ad Loki grabbed his wrist in an attempt to stop him. 

"Can we not do this now?" Loki said gently, "I'm not in the mood.”

Svadilfari was staring down at him and Loki felt his stomach drop as he saw dilated eyes looking down at him. Svadilfari’s hand wrapped around him and squeezed. Loki couldn’t stop the small gasp escaping his lips.

"It sure feels like you're in the mood," Svadilfari purred. 

Then Svadilfari was yanking his clothes off. It left Loki feeling naked in more ways than one. He pushed against Svadilfari’s chest but he didn’t even budge. Svadilfari’s hands keep coming, trailing across his body, as his lips latched onto his neck. Loki’s heart was hammering in his chest to the point that it was painful.

“Please,” Loki managed to say, “Stop.”

Svadilfari paused and for a moment Loki felt relief wash over him before he caught sight of Svadilfari’s expression. Loki could see something darker beginning to leak through. He could see Svadilfari’s face forming into a frown and the hands holding him were so much tighter now, it felt more like he was being pinned into place.

“You’re not still angry at me for last night, are you?” Svadilfari asked.

The words seemed innocent and yet they cut right through him. Loki could feel the anger under the words bubbling under the surface and he knew it would take one wrong word and Loki would find himself back to where he was yesterday. He didn’t want to be hurt again.

Loki shook his head.

Svadilfari’s face broke into a smile and his hands came to cup his face as he pulled him into a heated kiss. Through the beating of his heart Loki tried to capture the memory of that smile.

Svadilfari’s hands returned to his body. There wasn’t an inch of his body that was left untouched. Every part of him was marked by Svadilfari and Loki let it happen. Loki didn’t push him away, he didn’t protest, he just let everything wash over him. In some ways everything felt like it was happening to someone else and Loki was just watching his body from a distance.

Loki was aware on some level that it was painful when Svadilfari entered him with no preparation and yet Loki had never felt more numb. He could hear himself gasping against Svadilfari. Loki felt himself grabbing Svadilfari's shoulders and digging his nails into his skin hard enough to draw blood and yet it wasn’t him.

He tried to pretend that nothing was happening and yet he couldn’t. His mind was present. He could feel every moment of it with the knowledge that he had chosen this over Svadilfari’s anger. After all it was better to push himself through a couple of minutes of this than have to explain why yesterday was still fresh in his mind. He didn’t want to explain just how scared he’d been and he certainly didn’t want Svadilfari to know how despite his promises there was a part of him that wanted to leave or to try his chance at jumping again. If he explained this Svadilfari would either make promises he couldn’t keep or he would get angry, either way letting Svadilfari have what he wanted was easier.

"That's it," Svadilfari praised for something Loki couldn’t remember doing.

Loki could feel each movement Svadilfari made and despite the fact that he moaned, it had never felt more wrong. He felt trapped between Svadilfari’s body and the wall. There wasn’t enough room for him to breathe or for him to escape the feelings overwhelming him. He wanted to push Svadilfari away, he wanted to scream and yet he was silent and pliant under Svadilfari as if he were nothing more than a doll. 

Svadilfari moaned his name and Loki felt his pace quickening before it started to stutter. Loki felt his breath hitch as the feeling of pain and pleasure take over. His eyes began to burn as he heard himself panting and moaning.

Svadilfari's pace faltered and with one loud moan he came to a stop. Loki slumped back against the wall but with a lurch straightened when he felt Svadilfari take him in hand and work him back and forth. Loki buried his head into Svadilfari's shoulder as he felt pleasure building up against his will. He tried to resist but eventually he was spilling into Svadilfari's hand with a gasp. It was only then that Svadilfari finally let go.  

Svadilfari moved down and kissed him. It was slower and softer than the others and yet it still felt harsh against his lips. Loki let it happen, trying not to trembled under Svadilfari’s hands. After a moment Svadilfari pulled back and murmured something that Loki didn’t catch and it was only then Loki was finally left alone.

Loki found himself stumbling into the shower, his body shaking and yet his heart was strangely still. He could feel an odd panic washing over him and he was overcome with a feeling that he couldn’t breathe. He was raw.

_Those same hands won’t stop touching him._

Loki turned the shower to full power and stepped under it, letting the spray crash against him. The sudden change in temperature burnt against his skin but Loki couldn’t feel it. He started violently scrubbing at himself as he tried desperately to clean himself. But no matter how much soap Loki used he couldn’t wash away what was rotting inside him. He couldn’t rid himself of the sensation that he didn’t feel right.

_Those hands were holding him down._

He leant against the wall letting the water pound down and tried to control himself but over the numbness and panic, he could hear himself crying. The water was battering against his skin but it didn’t rid him of the feeling of fingers against his skin. Loki couldn’t understand why it felt like there was mud stuck to his skin.

_He was screaming._

He sank downwards, letting the water was over him, as he felt himself slipping back into his mind. Images and sensations were flashing over him and he wasn’t strong enough to block them out. All he found he could do was gasp for breath as he lost control of his lungs. He was spiraling downwards into panic.

There were hands pinning him down into the mud. His nails were clawing into skin and drawing blood, his legs kicked out but the body above him was unmovable. He was screaming. He was begging, he was shouting but no one could hear him. The figure looming over him silenced him, taking his voice along with everything else.

Hands were touching him and taking him apart, only to put him put back in the wrong order. He was being violated and hurt even though the voice promised him that he would enjoy this and for some reason that scared him even more.

Mud was sticking to his skin, covering the slices where branches had cut him. He could see the same trees all around him but they were towering over him now. He was radiating with pain and he was crying and gasping for air. His heart was pounding in his chest and he told himself someone would come for him.

_No one knows you are here._

He stared up at the strange dilated eyes. He stared up at the hands that seemed to dwarf his own. He started at the foreign markings across the arms that held him in place. A sharp flare of pain hit him and his body became something that was no longer his own.

Loki slammed his head into the tiles of the shower and pain exploded in his head. Loki found he could hear the sound of the shower. It was so loud that Loki wondered how he didn’t hear it before. Cold water was pouring down on him and as he caught his breath, he wondered how long he had been sat for the hot water to run out.

Loki stood in a daze, grabbing for the towel as he went through the motions of drying and dressing. He tried to ignore his shaking limbs throughout the process. He felt drained.

He could barely stop himself flinching when Svadilfari returned. He couldn’t meet his eyes because as he looked at him all Loki could feel was panic boiling under his skin. He couldn’t help seeing the same face from all those years ago. The face might be older now but it was still the same face.

Svadilfari left to head off for a shift and Loki felt oddly horrified when relief washed over him. He knew it was wrong that he was relieved. He sank back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He couldn’t help wishing for a simpler time back when Svadilfari had been Sean. He had been happy then. Loki dug his nails into his palms as he remembered that even then, without the past that came with Svadilfari, Sean had still- Loki swallowed. Sean had still been the same person. Things might have gotten worse but that didn’t mean it hadn’t been bad before.

Loki gritted his teeth. This was all so wrong. Svadilfari had been there for him when no one else had been. Loki had been thrown aside and banished to a realm that was not his own. His magic had been locked inside of him and his identity had been taken. He had been alone in a way he had never been in all his life and yet Svadilfari had been there to pick up what everyone else had abandoned. He had built him up and shown him that he was worth something. He had given him a home. He hadn’t cared who he was, what he had done, he had simply accepted him for what he was. Loki had been someone to somebody and that was enough.

Yet Loki wasn’t sure that meant he could forget everything else that came along with the good. He didn’t know how much longer he could deal with knowing that he was just waiting for the next time Svadilfari snapped. There was a chance that next time Svadilfari would kill him.

Loki looked at the ceiling once more and his mouth went dry.

“Jarvis?” Loki said, hating the hesitation in his voice.

For a moment there was only silence and Loki felt stupid for ever speaking but then a smooth reply came.

“Yes, Mr. Odinson?”

“Could you-” Loki started.

Loki stared at the ceiling as he let the sentence trail off. He found he couldn’t finish his sentence, it was as if he had lost his voice.

“Mr. Odinson?” Jarvis repeated but when Loki didn’t reply, Jarvis continued, “Is there something I can help you with?”

Loki let out a little laugh but it sounded fake against his ears. There was so much he needed help with but there was nothing a disembodied voice could do but despite that, he wished he could.

“No,” Loki said, “If you weren’t blind maybe... maybe you could.”

Loki rolled onto his side and no longer looked at the ceiling. He let Jarvis’ reply simply wash over him. It didn’t matter what the voice had to say, he couldn’t help him, no one could. Loki was alone in this and Loki knew that was what he had always been trying to avoid. Above all else it was better to be with Svadilfari than it was to be alone. If he was alone, then he was nothing.

Loki didn’t know how much time passed as he lay on the bed. He knew it had been a while since Jarvis had tried repetitively to get a response from him and he knew the light from outside had changed but that didn’t give him any real time. He just lay there, letting his thoughts crash around his head. It felt like a constant tug of war between good and bad memories but in the end it left him with the feeling that the only way to solve his problems was to throw himself over the edge. He wanted nothing more than to grab a piece of mirror and drag it through his skin, just for a moment of relief.

He was so consumed by thoughts that he didn’t even know he wasn’t alone in his apartment until the bedroom door opened. He turned with Svadilfari’s name on his lips but as he looked properly he felt a jolt go through him.

“Stark?” Loki sat up quicker than he should have.

Stark gave him an apologetic look, “I did knock,” He said as he closed the door behind him.

Loki just caught himself from voicing his disbelief. Instead he pressed his lips together, berating himself for not paying attention to his surroundings. It used to be impossible for anyone to catch him by surprise but now even Stark could do it.

“What do you want?” Loki asked after a moment of silence.

Stark pulled a face and he leant back against the door, “I told you I would be coming back to talk you.”

_But you didn’t._

Loki swallowed and forced himself to meet Stark’s eyes in a way that he would have done easily in the past. He knew the look was far from intimidating but it at least got Stark’s attention.

“That isn’t the only reason.”

Stark sighed and for a moment he looked tired but when Loki blinked it was gone and instead he found Stark was focused intensely on him once more.

“I wanted to ask you about yesterday,” Stark started but whatever Stark said afterwards was drowned in a swarm of thoughts.

Yesterday. Stark couldn’t know about yesterday, it was impossible. There was no proof that it had happened, there was not a single mark on his body that suggested that Svadilfari had laid a finger on him. The only thing Loki had was his memories and that wasn’t exactly something that Loki could trust. Loki’s gaze turned to the bin where he could see the shattered glass of the mirror and he felt his lips press into a thin line as he realised that perhaps that glass was the only physical reminder left.

“Loki?”

Loki’s eyes shot up and he felt a twist in his stomach as he realised Stark had followed his gaze.

“What did you say?” Loki quickly asked.

For a moment an odd look crossed Starks face before his eyes moved away from the bin and he responded, “I was asking you how Sean knew so much about your past.”

Loki’s brain stuttered for a moment as he realised he had jumped to the wrong conclusion, “I don’t understand.”

“I was talking to Thor,” Stark said, “And the stuff Sean was coming out with wasn’t exactly common knowledge.”

Loki bit his lip as he thought over what Svadilfari had said about him, about the Dwarfs, and he couldn’t help thinking the Thor was right. Back in his earlier years Odin had made sure to keep things private but even something as simple as that changed. If Svadilfari had been mortal there would have been no way he could have known that information by himself.

“I told him,” Loki replied, trying to muster confidence behind his words.

“When exactly was that?”

Loki felt himself freeze up before he said hesitantly, “How am I supposed to remember that?”

Stark raised his eyebrow, “It can’t have been that long ago, it isn’t like Sean knew who you were until Coulson accidentally outed you.”

“Well-” Loki started before trailing off.

That day Coulson had come felt so long ago but he could still remember the feeling of relief when Svadilfari hadn’t walked away when he had discovered the truth. There was a twist in his stomach and he felt a frown form. Svadilfari had known who he was long before Coulson had told him. He had known who Loki was longer than he should have. Dread started seeping under his skin and he wanted to wrap his arms tightly around himself. Loki couldn’t believe he had never thought about this before. When they had met all that time ago as Sean and Luke that couldn’t have been by chance, there was no such thing.

“Loki,” Stark said, dragging him back to the present, “I know there’s something going on, just talk to me.”

Loki felt his heart miss a beat. They were such simple words but Loki knew exactly what they meant. He couldn’t help looking at Stark and wondering, just for a moment, if he wasn’t alone in this.

Words fell from Loki’s lips, “I can’t.”

Stark sat on the bed next to him. A thin smile was forming across his face and for a moment Loki thought Stark was going to hug him. Instead Stark was looking at him and if Loki didn’t know better he would have sworn Stark could see the bruises under his skin. Loki felt like Stark could actually _see_ him.

“You can,” Stark said, “You know something, you know what’s wrong with Jarvis, don’t you?”

Loki felt his shoulders dropping, he should have known talking to Jarvis was a bad idea but he couldn’t help himself.

_You **never**  think. You’re a complete fuckup._

Loki swallowed as uneasiness slipped into him. He should have realised talking to Jarvis would get him into trouble. He didn’t want to cause trouble.

Loki looked down at the ground and said, “Yes.”

A hand resting against him and it took everything not to lean into it. Instead Loki stared at the carpet.

“See? That wasn’t so hard,” Stark said softly.

Then to Loki’s surprise Stark didn’t say anything at all. The silence stretched out and Loki felt his fingers beginning to twitch. He looked up at Stark but he was met with no response. Stark didn’t say anything and simply just sat beside him.

His chest felt tight and he found himself uncomfortable by the silence. Stark was usually shouting at him, interrogating him for an answer and yet right now he wasn’t saying a word. Loki wasn’t used to filling silences anymore, that was normally for someone else.

His mind ran over Stark’s words he had said and he found a strange feeling washing over him. He couldn’t help but think of the days he had been alone in his thoughts and more than once Stark’s words had mixed with them. He remembered how at the back of his mind Stark seemed to seep through. Stark might get angry at him but Loki couldn’t help but notice the concern, even if he knew it was misplaced.

“You said,” Loki said breaking the silence.

Loki froze for a moment and he knew if he continued there would be no going back. He was sick of the fear, he was sick of his silence.

“You told me he would never stop.”

Stark grasped hold of his shoulders and Loki found himself trying to jerk away but not quick enough to get out of his grip. Loki wasn’t even sure he wanted to.

“Loki.”

It was just his name and yet Stark had said so much more than that. The hands on his shoulders weren’t restraining him, for once there were hands on him were comforting.

For the briefest moment there was hope, it was so bright inside him that Loki could have cried and yet like everything else in his life it shattered. This whole scene seemed like a dream that was suddenly ripped apart by the slamming of the front door. The gravity of everything hit him and Loki felt like he was a child being caught doing something very very wrong. 

Loki jumped back. He dodged Stark’s attempt to grab his hand. His heart was hammering in his chest and he knew he was starting to crumble as nausea hit him in huge waves.

“Loki, I can help-”

“You can’t,” Loki choked out, his head shaking back and forth, “You can’t.”

He could hear footsteps moving down the corridor and it felt like each step was a death sentence. His body was vibrating. He had never been so glad that theit conversation hadn’t been loud, maybe now Svadilfari wouldn’t know what Loki had been about to confess, maybe he wouldn’t know what he had been about to do.

_If you leave me I will kill myself._

Loki felt himself shuddered. A realisation hit him and he realised he had never felt so scared. Svadilfari wouldn’t kill himself if he tried to leave, Svadilfari would kill him instead.

“Lokes stop ly-”

“I don’t need help. You’re just going to make things worse,” Loki said, ignoring the quivering undertone in his voice.

Stark’s expression split in half before shuttering closed. His expression became serious as if he had lowered a mask over his face.

“This isn’t over,” Stark said.

Loki didn’t have time to reply before the bedroom door swung open and Svadilfari was stood in the doorway. Loki watched as surprise came over Svadilfari’s face before a frown consumed his face.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Svadilfari demanded, stepping towards Stark.

Stark smiled but to Loki it looked nothing like one. He felt himself hold his breath as he waited to see what Stark was going to say. For a terrifying moment Loki thought Stark was going to give his betrayal away.  

“I was just telling Loki about a meeting that we’re having in twenty minutes, wasn’t I?”

Loki felt eyes turn on him and he could nothing but nod.

If Svadilfari noticed Stark’s hesitation and the small look that he gave Loki, he didn’t mention it.

“Excuse me,” Stark said before almost knocking Svadilfari over as he barged past him.

Svadilfari glared after Stark as he left before turning his gaze back to him. Loki tried to stay still under Svadilfari’s gaze. He felt sure that Svadilfari would be able to see his guilt across his skin and that he would know what he’d been about to say to Stark. With Svadilfari stood in front of him, he couldn’t help feeling like a different person from moments before. He couldn’t believe what he had been thinking. He didn’t need Stark, everything was fine. If Stark interfered it would just be Loki that paid the price.

Svadilfari was moving down to kiss him and he wanted to smile, this was exactly where he was meant to be. His previous thoughts were lost as Svadilfari pulled him into the lounge and Svadilfari began to talk to him. He found himself staring at Svadilfari, not really listening to him, and more just looking at him. For once he had never felt so calm.

Eventually it came time for them to leave for the meeting and Loki couldn’t help feeling that Stark had made it up but that didn’t make him angry for some reason. There really was no point to the meeting and yet as he arrived to the meeting room with Svadilfari everyone was sat ready.

Loki couldn’t help noticing that Thor was missing. The meeting started but no one mentioned Thor’s absence and instead Loki was left staring at his empty chair, wondering why he wasn’t there. He bit his lip and told himself that he didn’t care.

Loki tried to focus on the meeting. He tried to listen to them debate over Doom's fighting tactics and of possible weapons. Loki could feel Stark’s eyes boring into him and it took everything not to look up and meet his gaze. Instead he tried to listen to whatever Roger’s was babbling about at that moment.

Loki found the more he tried to concentrate the harder it began. It wasn’t Stark’s gaze and it wasn’t even Svadilfari sat next to him. Instead it was a feeling. It started slowly but eventually the room felt different. It was like the air around him was vibrating. There was a song flowing through the air but it had no sound, it slipped under his skin causing him to sway in his seat. The hairs on the back of his neck were on end and yet his whole body was radiating with heat. He could feel something calling out to him and there was nothing he wanted more than to reach out to it. He wanted it. 

"Loki?" Rogers said. 

"Mm?" He responded.

His voice sounded sluggish even to his own ears and somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should feel alarmed but he couldn't when he felt this good. The whole room felt so familiar to him. The song floating around him was home, it was Frigga’s embrace, it was Yggdrasil. It radiated of so much power that it was intoxicating.

He felt it shift and it was then that the feeling became a presence. It started behind him before it drifted across the room until it was behind Barton. He could feel himself sway and nearly tumble over. He wanted to reach out and touch it. He wanted to make it his. It felt so familiar. It felt like home. It felt like him. Loki’s eyes widened in horror.

“Barton,” Loki said sharply and he felt Barton's eyes meet his just as he shouted, “Duck.”

Loki flung his knife across the meeting room table. Fortunately Barton’s reflects meant he ducked just as the knife flew past where his head would've been. The blade flew through the air before suddenly stopping and simply hanging in mid-air, no longer moving forward but not dropping either.

Loki vaulted over the table and threw himself into a heavy kick. His feet hit something solid but he was already grabbing the knife and twisting. Sparks flew under his hand and burnt the edges of his skin. Loki paid little attention, more focused on the flash of green that revealed the lifeless form of a robot with its chest torn open.

Loki took a deep breath tuning out the sounds of the Avenger’s panic and instead focused on the room. For a moment there was silence but then Loki caught the sound of the song, his song, and he spun towards the presence. He slashed out with his blade. He felt it meet metal and for a moment the room was filled with the creak of metal before a headless robot appeared from nowhere and dropped to the ground. He felt its presence die with it, like a flame going out.

Loki tried to catch his breath, spinning to find the next target, when he found himself knocked down. A blast came from nowhere clipping his side. He let out a snarl and stabbed and slashed through the air but his blade met nothing.

He twisted along the ground and was violently shoved down again. This time he stabbed upwards and as he did he let out a loud yell and he felt a wave surge out from under his skin. The room became filled with a bright green light and every presence in the room was extinguished, causing each robot to drop to the ground.

After a moment the light faded and he was left covered in black ash from the closest robot. He pulled himself up, feeling light-headed. He stumbled and caught his balance on the table as the room span. The taste of magic still lingered in the air and it made him scream because the magic calling out to him was _his_ but there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it.

He heard Stark say something but before he could process it, he was interrupted by the shattering of glass behind him as the window exploded. Loki was knocked to the ground, his blade rolling from his grip. He found his body pinned in an iron hold and no matter how he struggled or kicked he was held perfectly in place. He could do nothing but stare up into the glowing blue eyes that seemed mixed with green now. It raised its green glowing hand to his face and Loki braced himself. He didn’t close his eyes but looked straight at the creature that was going to kill him.

The robot shuddered. Loki looked down at its chest to see it was skewered. Loki stared at the long metal staff protruding from the robot’s chest. The staff was yanked out and the robot’s eyes dimmed as its chest sparked and fizzled. It was falling but Loki was being pulled away and up onto his feet, just as the robot dropped, motionless.  

Holding him up was Svadilfari, the real Svadilfari, stripped of his illusion. Loki’s eyes ran over his swirling tattoos, his taller stature and long braided hair before settling on the hand that held his staff. Svadilfari’s expression was tight as he brought his free hand to cradle his face as he searched his face.

"Are you okay?" Svadilfari asked urgently. 

Loki nodded, pulling away from his grip to take in the rest of the room. His stomach dropped when he saw the Avenger’s shocked expressions fixed on Svadilfari. It felt like a nightmare but the worse part was that Loki knew it wasn’t. Svadilfari had in the space of seconds destroyed Sean.

"They can see you," Loki whispered, trying not to let the panic leak into his voice "By the Norns, have you lost your mind?”

Svadilfari grabbed his shirt, yanking him back, "I was saving your life."

"I had it under control," Loki insisted, "I didn’t need your help. You’ve screwed everything up!"

The strike came so sudden that Loki felt his head snap to the side before he could register that Svadilfari had hit him. He staggered slightly but Svadilfari had wrapped his hand around his arm to hold him in place.

“Don’t _ever_ talk to me like that.” Svadilfari spat.

Loki felt his hand come up to cover his cheek before he could think better of it. His fingers came into contact with stinging skin and he couldn’t help wondering if it was going to bruise. The grip holding him was painful now and Loki wished he could take his words back.

“Get the fuck off him,” Stark yelled, his voice was seething.

He felt Stark grab him and yank him out of Svadilfari’s grip. He stumbled but didn’t stop Stark dragging him away. He could feel himself trembling ever so slightly under his hand and despite the distance it still felt like Svadilfari had his grip on him.

Loki let his eyes scan the room. He could see Rogers and Barton staring directly at him with a horrified edge to their expression. Banner seemed oblivious to the whole situation and was staring off into the distance, his breath laboured. It was after a moment that he noticed Romanoff had her gun out aimed at Svadilfari’s face.

"Who the hell are you?" Stark snapped, bringing Loki’s attention back to him, “And don’t even try and bullshit me.”

Svadilfari raised an eyebrow at Stark and a thin smile formed across his face. It felt like the life Loki had built was slowly crumbling around him.

"I am Svadilfari of Muspelheim," he said, "Builder of Asgard and Son of the builder of Surtur’s Inner Fortress."

"The name would have been enough," Stark said, his eyes were burning into him. 

"You're not Asgardian?" Rogers asked, surprise filling his voice.

Svadilfari’s grip on his staff tightened, "I am not _,_ " He said, through gritted teeth. 

Loki picked up his fallen knife, slipping it away as he put himself some distance away from Svadilfari but by doing so he brought himself closer to Barton and was enough to send the archer over the edge.

"I told you! I told all of you that Loki couldn't be trusted!" Barton growled, "You trusted him and look what he brought us!"

Svadilfari gaze turned on Barton and he said smoothly, "You speak as if you are one to be trusted." 

Barton blanched before his face turned dark, "I’m a lot more trustworthy than the God of Lies. The only thing you can trust him to do is lie."

Svadilfari snarled and started to lunge forward towards Barton, his staff rising up into the air, but Loki slammed his hands into Svadilfari’s chest.

"Stöðva það!" Loki shouted. 

Svadilfari shoved him back, glowering down at him. Loki felt shivers running down his spine and he stepped back, sudden regret coursed through his body. They might be in public but Loki was doubting that was going to deter Svadilfari anymore.

"Þú hefur enga virðingu fyrir sjálfum þér," Svadilfari said coldly, his gaze blazing. 

"I do have respect for myself," Loki insisted but his voice sounded so quiet now.

"Everyone, you need to see this," Banner said. 

“You’re not acting like it." Svadilfari spat and it felt like a slap, “But that isn’t a surprise, is it?”

Svadilfari gaze was sharp and predatory. Loki could see his fists clenching and he could feel himself backing up. He could see Svadilfari’s temper boiling up under the surface. His instincts were screaming at him to make himself as small as possible. He didn't want this to happen now but Loki knew he was never the one in control. He always got what he deserved. He knew he had fucked up.

Stark stepped forward, “I think you need to calm down,” he said.

Banners voice grew louder, "Guys, there-"

"This is none of your business!" Svadilfari suddenly shouted.

Loki swallowed, he wanted to take another step back but there wasn’t anywhere else he could go. He was trapped. If he said something he would make everything worse and yet if he did nothing Stark would do that all by himself.

“Shut up!” Banner shouted, “We have bigger problems!”

Loki froze along with everyone else in the room. Banner was the one person that never shouted. Too slowly Loki felt himself turning to Banner to see him stood staring out of the shattered window, up at the sky above. Loki followed Banner’s gaze and he felt his breath stuttered at the sight that met his eyes.

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Banner asked, his voice sounded distant.

Loki blinked a couple of times but the sight in the sky didn’t go away. Loki let his blade drop into his hand as a grimace formed across his face. This day was just getting worse and worse.

Barton sighed, "We are so fucked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! I'm already working on the next chapter, still debating whether to give you two chapters or to throw it together into a longer chapter


	17. Chapter 17

Loki was stood over the edge. Wind was rushing past and whipping around him but he barely felt its chill. Instead Loki stared up at the sky above him that was no longer blue. Nothing was right about that sky.

He could hear it all around him, a sound that was a chorus of voices except there was nothing sweet to it, they were screaming a strange song like an animal being beaten. It wasn't human. It was as if someone had strung up his tendons just to see what song he would sing. 

Above him, Loki could see bright green light spreading across the sky, curving over the building into a large dome as far as his eyes could see. Loki could hear it singing, he could hear _his_ magic singing. Its twisted song was that of power and a hope of freedom. The song surrounded him, beating against his very being, as the last of the green muted the blue of the sky. It was calling to him, a dome of power, his power, trying to free itself from its bonds. It was the cry of a caged bird, its wings clipped so it would never fly free. 

Yet despite the bright green light the sky was darkened. At first it could have been mistaken for grey clouds hovering over the city but it was nothing like clouds. Above was a swarm of glinting metal descending downwards and as Loki stared closer he could make out individual humanoid robots. There were more robots than Loki had ever seen and they kept coming, spreading out into the city. 

A huge blast rocked the building and knocked everyone out of their shocked daze. Rogers immediately started barking orders across the room and Loki watched as Barton and Romanoff took off running, talking into coms as they went. Stark’s suit was already forming around him but where it had come from Loki had no idea. Stark gave him an unreadable look before his helmet fell into place and he was diving from the window, speeding off towards the robots.

Rogers gaze fell between him and Svadilfari, glancing between them like he was debating something before ordering, "Stay here, out of sight until this is over."

Then Rogers was gone too, leaving them in an empty meeting room. Loki felt his lips curl before he turned to look out the window, watching the robots descend on the city below. The sight of them caused him to shiver. They brought back too many memories and he wanted nothing more than to slice each one apart. He didn’t want to remember the white.

Loki could feel Svadilfari's presence beside him. It wasn’t in the same way that he could sense his own magic in the air around him, though he knew he would have been able to if it wasn’t for the All-Father’s chains that held his magic, isolating him from Yggdrasil. Yet he could still feel the shift in the air that meant Svadilfari was closer. There was a part of him that wanted to back away, the part that could still feel the stinging on his cheek, and yet there was a larger part that wanted nothing more than to lean into him and give in.

He didn’t understand why he felt like this because he should be angry. He should feel angry that Svadilfari struck him in front of everyone, he should feel angry that he had insulted him in front of them all, and yet he felt none of that. He felt small. He wanted to bury himself in the ground and pretend they hadn’t seen his weakness, pretend that they didn’t how he wouldn’t defend himself. It was humiliating and he knew he would rather take a bigger beating than allow Svadilfari to do that in front of other people. Yet he had no one else to blame but himself. He had forgotten himself and shown disrespect to Svadilfari in front of everyone.

But as he looked at Svadilfari stood with his staff in his grip the only thought that crossed his mind was that they all knew the truth now. They knew that there was no Sean and that there never was but worst of all they knew exactly who Svadilfari was. It would only be a matter of time before someone let slip to Thor the truth and then the life Loki had built for himself was going to crash down and kill him.  

Another blast rocked the building. This time Loki felt himself stumble and he would have fallen over if Svadilfari hadn’t caught him. For a moment he let himself rest against Svadilfari and ignore his surrounding but all too soon he pulled back.  

More and more robots were swarming around Stark Tower. They were veering close to the windows before circling around. He heard the smash of glass below and Loki realised they were starting to come inside. 

"We can't stay here," Loki said. 

Svadilfari didn’t have the chance to respond because in the next moment a robot was barrelling through the window. Arms wrapped around him and the robot vanished. There was nothing. Loki couldn't see, he couldn't hear. It reminded him of the eerie quiet that could only be achieved when he dived under water.

Then with a blink he found himself stood on top of a tall building with Svadilfari’s arms around his waist. Wind rushed through his hair and he stared at Stark Tower that was a couple of blocks over rather than under his feet. From this perceptive Loki could see how damaged the building really was, he could only be glad that it would be Stark paying for it.

Robots swarmed the sky and the road below. Loki could see the flames coming from the overturned cars, he could see pedestrians running and he swore he could smell the fear in the air as it was thicker than the dust coming from the demolished buildings. He could see the streaks of green flashing across the street cutting through flesh and brick alike.

The green dome stretched across the sky became darker and thicker. The city dimmed as if the sun was setting. It only made Loki more uneasy. It made him feel trapped and like something was looming over him.

He realised Svadilfari’s arms were still around him but as he glanced back Svadilfari was already letting go. He watched as Svadilfari became fluid, his staff in motion as it collided with a robot. Loki curses himself for not noticing the threat sooner. 

He clenched his blade, moving forward, but Svadilfari was already lashing out and landing hits that were strong enough to cut through metal with brute force. Green blasts were thrown but bounced harmlessly off the glowing red mist that now surrounded Svadilfari. This allowed Svadilfari to get close enough to swipe the robot off its feet and impale it in one clean motion. The robot became still, sparks jumping from its body, but it was instantly replaced by more. 

Svadilfari snarled, sending out a surge of red flames from his staff, melting the robots in front of him before swinging staff around to smash another straight off the building. No matter how quick Svadilfari fought the robots they were soon replaced or even duplicated and within moments Loki found himself joining the fray as they began to overrun the roof. 

Loki’s blade was barely able to make a dent on their numbers. Despite this Loki did not slow, he guarded Svadilfari's back, losing himself in the rhythm of battle. Loki sliced and cut enemies, only throwing his knife short distances as not to risk losing his weapon for too long. He led them in a deadly dance, ducking and dodging until he was close enough to sink his blade into places that mattered.

With Svadilfari behind him they were never truly overwhelmed and for a while that was all that mattered. He could lose him in the sound of Svadilfari’s staff sweeping through the air, the sound of his heavy breath and the sound of his own blade colliding with metal. Yet as he sank his blade into one robot a strange feeling came over him. An insistent feeling ran through his body through his veins and every cell, feeling so good that he wanted to cry but instead he was enthralled. 

Loki pushed the corpse of the robot off him and drifted across the rooftop. He was vaguely aware of blasts around him, metal parts flying in red sparks and Svadilfari screaming his name but it seemed so far away. Instead he kept walking. The pull was too powerful to ignore. The song was so loud, he could feel it vibrating against his skin.

Below he could see the ground, miles and miles of open air, and yet it was still calling, it was screaming for him. He stepped forward and he heard far away someone yelling. His whole body lurched and arms were yanking back, away from the edge, away from the singing. He stared up at the blue eyes blazing into him.

"Over there," Loki gasped out, his hands reaching out to where the singing was coming from.

It was so close that he could almost taste it. It was sinking under his skin and it was too hot, it was too cold, it was perfect. He was going to die if he didn’t have it.

"I need it.." Loki flailed in the iron grip, “Please,”  He begged, feverishly clawing at the arms, his legs kicking out, “I need it, I _need_ it.”

His eyes became a flash of red and he wasn’t hanging over the edge, he was on a different building now. He was closer. Loki felt a grin split his face and his hands flew to grab his shoulders and he curled into his warmth for a moment.

"Closer.." Loki murmured before waving his arms to the next building, "Take me there, take me over there.”

There was another flash of red and he was there. His legs gave in and he dropped as the arms that were holding him let go. The singing was washing over him in waves. It was euphoric, so much power calling out to him. He wanted it. He needed. He reached out.

"Mine." Loki whispered. 

Being this close actually caused the sensations that hit him to become so strong that his body could do nothing but sink down and relax. He felt warm and comfortable, his mind buzzing, as he took in the sight in front of him. He found his hand resting against a huge cylinder, taller and wider than himself. It was encased in metal apart from a small section of glass that revealed its contents.

Loki pressed his forehead to the glass and lazily watched the swirling green within. At first the green swirled like it was a gas but the longer he stayed the more it twisted and pressed itself close to the glass. It moved like a snake curling and coiling around him. He could feel it crying out to him, trying to squeeze itself through the glass. It hurt. There was a part of him trapped inside there.

He rocked back onto his heels, his eyes scanning the device. His eyes caught sight of a screen of a screen along the base of the cylinder. There were numbers flashing on the screen reading a time that was counting down.

Loki flicked his knife back out and he pried it under the casing. After a few tries the casing came away to reveal a mass of wires. He ran his fingers across the different colour wires before slipping his knife under the first wire.

"I wouldn't cut the red," Came a dry voice. 

Loki twisted, pulling his blade away from the red wire he had been about to cut. Loki snarled, slashing his blade inches away from metal only at the last minute to realise that it was the Iron Man suit and not a robot. 

Stark made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a yelp before he covered it by saying, "That goes for me too."

Loki tilted his head and stared at the man. He felt the urge to tear the man’s throat out by his teeth. He didn’t want anyone near this, this was his, and he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him. Loki blinked and pushed the thoughts back to instead examine the wires once more. He found the wires were an array of colours.

"Why not the red wires?" Loki asked after a moment.

"It's a jo.." Stark let out a sigh, "Never mind," he said, "It’s just cutting the red wire of a bomb is never a good idea."

Loki arched his brow but before he could speak, Stark had turned and blasted a robot that got past Svadilfari’s defenses. Loki looked down at the wires and instead slid his knife under the other wires.

"No, no!" Stark yelled frantically, causing Loki to flinch. 

He pulled a face and stood, moving away from the device. Instead Loki waved at Stark to have a look. Stark knelt and examined the device. Loki stood watching as Stark pulled away more paneling to look at the circuitry.

"Fuck," Stark swore.

Loki gutted a robot that got too close before looking at him again, "What?"

"I'm going to need more than 6 minutes to diffuse this." Stark said, motioning to the timer. 

Loki raised his eyebrows, “Are you saying you’re not clever enough to do it?”

Stark glared at him and with a huff he got to work, losing himself between the wires of the machine. His hands were moving fast across it as if the device was nothing but an instrument beneath him. Loki ignored the feeling in his stomach that made him want to rip the man away from what was _his._

Loki felt his eyes were drawn back to Svadilfari. He was on the far end of the building surrounded by robots. Loki could see flares of red shoot around him before his body became a blur, twisting around the green blasts and striking robots down.

Svadilfari was knocked back by a blast and dropped from the building. Loki’s eyes widened as robots spilled down after him. Loki lurched forward, his feet pounding across the rooftop before he really processed what he was doing. He peered over the edge of the building, afraid of what he was going to find. Yet instead of seeing a sudden drop he saw a lower hanging roof. 

Loki let a sigh before having to suddenly dodge an energy blast. He was arching his blade towards the target but the robot suddenly became engulfed in flames. 

"Go!" Svadilfari shouted from below.

Loki took in the sight of Svadilfari knocking three robots down with a sweep of his staff before heeding Svadilfari's words and taking off back towards the bomb. When he made it back to Stark, he saw Stark was no closer to diffusing it, and worse still the time read 3 minutes. 

"Have you worked out how to diffuse it?"

Stark let out a snort, "I'm Tony fucking Stark, I could disassemble this in my sleep and make it into a robot dog."

Loki pressed his lips, "Then why is the timer still going?"

"Shut up," Stark muttered, hands deep in the wiring. 

Loki didn't respond instead turned his gaze fell to the dome high above him. It was dense now and Loki found he couldn’t see where it started and ended. In the distance Loki could make out green lights shooting up into the sky, hitting the dome, and becoming one with it. Loki twisted and made out three other beams across the city that were striking the dome. Loki frowned at the green light. There was something very wrong about this. 

"Loki," Stark called in a strained voice.

Loki turned to see Stark with half the bomb gutted in front of him. The green glow of his magic inside the cylinder reflected off the metal of Stark’s suit. The timer read 2 minutes. The sight didn't fill Loki with the dread he thought it would. Stark would either stop it in time or he wouldn’t be it. There wasn’t anything Loki could do to change it. Loki had long since lost any autonomy of his life, long before he was stood in front of a bomb with enough raw power to wipe him from existence.

"You need to get out of here," Stark said urgently. 

"There's not exactly enough time."

"Get Sea-Svad-whatever his name is, " Stark said, "I'm sure he could use some witchy stuff to get you out of the blast radius."

Loki stared up at the dome, watching how it simmered,  "That won't work," he said, "Svadilfari won't be able to get us out of the city with that blocking the way."

If Loki still had access to his own magic he would have been able to but Svadilfari wasn’t strong enough. The dome was encasing them in what would become their tome. While it stood around them it kept them from leaving. They were all going to die here. 

_Why?_

If Doom was going blow up New York City, it didn’t make sense to waste energy producing a shield to stop people trying to escape. He had plenty of robots that could do that job on their own and then he could use the energy of the dome to make a more potent bomb. Loki stared at the dome and wondered why he would waste all this energy. Then it hit him and he couldn’t believe it had taken this long to figure out the spell work.

"By the Norns." Loki choked. 

"What?" Stark asked, his eyes were wild. 

"The dome it isn't there to keep us in." Loki said numbly, "I thought it would shield the blast and keep us all in but... but it won't."

He couldn't believe he had been so stupid. He had been looking but not thinking. He hadn’t been looking at the bigger picture instead he had underestimated Doom and now everyone was going to pay the price.

"What are you saying?" Stark was facing him now no longer facing the bomb.

"I don't think the dome is meant to stop us leaving," Loki said, "When this bomb goes off the dome is going to magnify the blast."

Stark swore under his breath and for a moment they were silent as they stared at the shimmering green light. It didn’t look so beautiful anymore. 

"It's going to take out more than just New York."

Loki nodded, "It’s going to take the whole State, possibly two."

Stark let out a yell and he kicked the device. Loki had never seen Stark look like this, he looked undone, lost, and Loki wanted to reach out and say something to comfort him but he knew he couldn’t. Loki wanted to tell him that if he couldn’t diffuse it then it was impossible and he didn’t blame him for that, no one would.

The ground shook and Thor landed on the roof, Mjolnir in his hand as he strode towards them. He easily batted any robot that was in the way, sending it flying into another building, shattered to pieces.

"You seem troubled," Thor said, his face still lighting up the way it always did when his brother was in the middle of a battle.

"Well, I'm not going to look happy when that's about to kill us!" Stark yelled, waving at the bomb.

Thor’s eyes became hard, "This," He pointed his hammer at the metal device, "Would try to harm you?"

"It's not trying, Big Guy." Stark sighed, staring at the timer. 

"I will defeat this metal beast," Thor proclaimed. 

Loki stared in horror as with one massive roar Thor brought his hammer down on the bomb. Loki felt cold as Thor swung his hammer for the second time. Long cracks had already formed across the glass like spiderwebs. It seemed the whole sheet of glass was held together by nothing but a breath of air. Thor brought Mjolnir up for a final strike.

"Thor!" Loki screamed.

Loki threw himself at Thor but at the same time the glass splintered and burst. For a single moment Loki stared down at the blue eyes so unlike the ones he had grown used to. Then Loki was struck full force by the blast. He screamed and his skin boiled and melted. Every bone in his body shattered. His eyes rolled back as everything became a burning green. It swirled around him, wrapping around him. He writhed and screamed, each touch was acid that peeled his skin away. 

He could hear it all around him but it wasn't singing anyone. It was chanting, whispering and snarling. It coiled, curled and then it struck. Every drop of magic from the bomb rammed itself down his throat. 

Every part of his body was scorched and all he could was cry out. He couldn’t fight or escape as it forced itself inside him. All he felt was a bright burning, a white pain, as power twisted under his skin. There was so much power coursing through his body but it was too much, it was drowning him and tearing him apart. Yet it felt so good, it felt so right. 

He felt another wave of magic penetrate him, sinking and tearing into his body. He let out a scream but he couldn’t hear it over the snarls of the magic, the twisted song his magic screamed as it burned too hot. There was too much power pouring into him, he had never held this much inside him. There was no way his body could contain all of this. It couldn't.  

He burst open and the world exploded into gold light. Loki let out a silent scream as he felt Odin's chains snap under the power within him. The pressure eased and he wasn’t suffocating anymore. The magic under his skin burst across his body, to his fingertips, as it responded to his call.

He could feel once more. His body was no longer dull but brimming with energy. He could feel Yggdrasil, her branches brushing against his skin. He could feel the flow of everything in the realm, the song of magic flowing through the air. It felt like he had been blind and now he could see again. He could reach out for his magic and feel it pouring out of him.

His sight remained gold as he felt his magic wrapped around him, soothing his wounds. In the gold light Loki saw three women. They were sat around a well, weaving thread that looked nothing like thread and as he watched the youngest lady dropped a stitch without noticing. Loki reached out but they vanished along with his gold vision. He could now see his hands in front of them. His magic moved freely over the ruined skin, stitching and mending his flesh. He felt his magic pulling his bones back together, pulling him back together.

There was so much power pulsing under his skin and yet without Odin's spell, his magic flowed freely once more. He felt it wash over him, weaving back the lost flesh. Yet even then as it pulsed under his skin there was too much of it, it hurt how much was inside him. It was unnatural.

Yet he could hear more calling to him. There was more of his magic out there, screaming to be a part of him, and he wanted it. He would tear down this whole city, burn it to the ground, just to make it part of him again.

He stretched out his hands and pulled, not with his muscles, but with the power racing inside him until he felt a tug and everything went taut. Loki twisted his wrists and he watched as metal containers flew up into the air. The green dome above flickered and then suddenly went out. Loki stared for a moment at the metal containers that shot through the air towards him like missiles before he threw out his hands and they hung above him, circling him slowly.

With a vicious slash the metal split as if it was paper and the contents poured out. Green mist filled the rooftop, singing and screaming all around him. Loki reached out and his magic drifted through the air, twisting around him before seeping into him. He tipped his head back and a smile fell over his face. His whole body was vibrating and pulsing with energy. He had never felt anything like this in all of his life, every part of his body was magic.

His grin widened and something warm dripped down his chin. He touched it and his fingers were drenched in red. Loki tilted his head to the side and he licked the blood from his fingers.

Everything was foggy. The power was intoxicating. There was so much power pulsating around his body that it hurt and yet he finally felt grounded. Loki felt as if he could reach out and touch Yggdrasil. He could feel _everything_. 

A grin split his face again and as blood trickling down his cheek he ignored it. He let himself bask in all the power at his fingertips. What had been taken from him was finally his again. 

Loki felt a sharp pain but this time on the outside of his body. Loki turned to see a robot hovering behind him. The robot outstretched its hand and sent another energy blast but Loki deflected it with a wave of his hand. He narrowed his eyes at the robot. He hated those robots. He wanted to rip them all apart. Everything inside him surged and the robot exploded. Metal flew everywhere before instantly becoming a cloud of dust and ash. 

He felt the magic rushing through him and let out a grunt as the inside of him pressure built and he could feel it pressing and tearing at his skin. His sight lurched and there was a warm trickling sensation. His fingers brushed against his eyes and he saw they came back with blood covering them. Green sparks fell from his fingers and even when he tried to force it back down, it had no effect.

The sky glinted grey with the metal of robots swimming above. He could feel their pull, his song trapped in their shell. A song stolen from him. Loki snarled, willing his magic outwards and with a twisted of his hand a blast radiated across the sky. The robots were struck by a green blast. Some melted, some sparked and fell. He felt them go cold, the song in them dying. 

It was his. _His_. It had been stolen from him and he would destroy them for it. He sent out tendrils of magic, they sped out across the sky and pierced the robots. They wrapped around them, crushing them, melting them until they were nothing but ash and scrap metal.

Loki felt glass slice through his skin as every window around him shattered. Yet he kept reaching out with his magic, savouring the feeling of its touch at his fingertips as he tore his magic through metal carcasses. He crushed each robot, taking back what was his. He had been robbed and violated. He let out a cry and waves of magic surged through the air spreading across the sky, taking up more space than the dome ever had as he ripped each robot from the sky. He silenced every song in the city.

Doom had done this to him. He had taken this from him. He thought he could tear his essence from him, thought he could play games with Gods. He had made him bleed, he had made him scream and wish for something as sweet as death. He had trapped him in a room of white and robbed a year of his life.

It was then that he felt it or more specifically he heard it. He heard a song unlike any he had heard. It was twisted and crooked. It sounded like a bird that sang with its vocal cords held together by a tether. Yet he knew that song.

**_Doom._ **

He would pay for this. Loki would make him bleed, he would make him beg and realise that it would change nothing. He would tear him apart and wipe even his memory from existence. 

**_Show yourself._ **

Loki spread his magic across the city, feeling and searching for the source of the song. He reached out, brushing against the lives of mortal around him, against the creatures of the sky, but didn’t find the one he was looking for.

**_Or are you too much of a coward to face me?_ **

Loki drifted upwards. He stared down at the city that had seemed so big. He stared at the fallen buildings, the destroyed cars and the mortals crying out all around him. He could burn this all to the ground. He could make it so there was no evidence that it existed and yet he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to smell the fear in the air, the blood and sweat, but he was helpless as it seeped under his skin and made his blood boil. 

Loki heard a whisper, he heard a chattering, and he followed it. He drifted, following the source of the sound until he dropped down onto a rooftop. For a moment the roof was empty and it was just him stood above the city, whose dust had yet to settle, but then Loki heard the sound of metal feet clanging against the ground. Loki turned to the noise, his face forming into a bloodied snarl. 

"You would dare accuse Doom of cowardice?" The figure said.

Loki took a step forward, taking in the cold metal mask that stared back at him. Doom was taller than he remembered, looming on the rooftop with his green cape twisted behind him, the hood obscuring most of his features. Green sparked from Doom’s metal fingertips as he strode forward.

Loki pulled his staff from between Yggdrasil's branches, pointing the tip at  Doom as he said, "I spoke only of what I saw."

Green sparks cascaded across the ground around Doom. The eyes through the metal mask were glowing and Loki knew there should be a part of him that was scared, this was the man who had tortured him for more than a year and taken more than could be counted, but Loki could feel nothing but the desperate need to see his blood spilled across the ground. Loki would be satisfied when his remains were unrecognisable.

"Then you are blind among other things," Doom grated out in his monotone voice.

"Well, you are a thief," Loki countered as he stalked towards him.

"Doom is no common thief," Doom said, puffing his chest out, "You were part of a higher purpose, you should be thankful to have been chosen by Doom."

Loki let out a screech, his sight went green and he launched himself at Doom. He brought his staff down but all that met his staff was empty space filled with laughter. Loki twisted and caught sight of Doom stood in a completely different place. Doom sent a blast at him but Loki threw up a wall of magic against it, causing it to bounce harmlessly off.

Doom seemed to pause to regard him with interest but Loki ignored him, his vision blurred with emotion, as he launched a bolt of energy at Doom. Doom dodged but Loki simply kicked him square in the chest.

“I’m going to make you regret ever _choosing me_ ,” Loki snarled.

Doom simply laughed in reply, sounding more robotic than human. Loki gritted his teeth and slammed his staff down but Doom reflected it with one of his arms as if it was nothing.

Loki threw himself forward, throwing every bit of himself into his spells and the clashes of his staff and yet no hit landed. It was as if they were simply sparring. Loki knew he was more animal than anything else as he fought. He was a wild thing. Each strike he made was a cry for blood. Yet his staff hit nothing but metal, as Doom dodged and vanished in equal measure, and with each moment it only made Loki want to scream and bring the whole building down on top of them. He didn’t care what happened to him so long as Doom suffered.

Doom did not have the same sentiment. He didn’t have the same stamina and with each attack struggled to match them. Doom didn’t have the same magical experience so Loki pushed on, breaking each of his magical attacks and blocking them easily while Doom struggled to match his attacks. It took Doom longer for him to counter his spells and much longer to cast. This gave Loki more than enough time to predict his moves before he had even finished his spell. Not that it mattered because with each attack Loki could sense his powers depleting. This only made Loki fight harder.

Loki swung his staff but once again Doom vanished. Loki twisted and caught sight of Doom just in time to catch the tell-tale sign of his hands forming a complex gesture before he threw a curse at him. Loki’s lips curled and he waved his hand sending the curse crashing back into Doom, sending him barrelling backwards.

Loki spat, "You are nothing but a child."

Doom threw another blast at him but Loki dismissed it with a flick of his hand.

"And you?" Doom grated out, "You would call yourself a God?"

"I am a God!" Loki shouted, the glass from the building behind them shattered under the pressure of his outburst.

"Gods do not bleed." Doom tilted his head, "You and I have much in common."

"We have nothing in common," Loki said.

Loki slammed his staff down and was pleased when it finally connected with Doom. The staff cut into Doom’s armour with enough force to cause him to grunt. Loki swept his staff around to trip him but Doom teleported backward.

"We are both-"

"Þegiðu!"

Loki sent a powerful wave of magic out of himself. The blast hit Doom, throwing him across the rooftop. For the first time, Loki stepped through the folds of Yggdrasil and appeared instantly in front of Doom, the point of his staff hovering over the man’s heart. 

"You could still be part of a greater purpose," Doom told him calmly as if his staff wasn’t now pressing into him, "Doom offers you a partnership."

"No."

"You do not have many allies." Doom grated.

"I would never lower myself to work with a worm like you," Loki spat.

“A pity,” Doom said, “Such a waste.”

Then Doom’s arm was a blur. Something sharp and glittering was moving, launching upward,  but Loki brought the staff down with one single solid motion. The staff pierced straight through the armour and through Doom’s heart.

For a moment Loki stared at the light in Doom’s eyes before it faded. Doom’s body went still and his arm dropped. There was a clatter and the object in Doom’s hand rolled across the ground. The object stopped at Loki’s feet and it took him a moment to recognise the long needle that identified it as a dart.

Where there should have been pleasure Loki found he felt nothing. He stared at the body beneath him and at the cold metal with no eyes and knew this didn’t change what he had done to him. This would never change the fear he still felt when he thought of the white room. Yet with Doom’s body cold and empty at his feet Loki could leave with the knowledge that it would never happen again. He was gone and that was satisfaction enough.

Loki pulled his staff free from the corpse. The tip glinted in the light, catching Loki's eye when he went to stand and he found it had not a single drop of blood on it. Loki turned his gaze to where his staff had pierced Doom's body and found there was no blood there either. There was simply a clean hole through Doom’s body. Loki should have been able to see blood pouring out across the ground or at least seen the red of his organs and pierced flesh, and yet there was nothing but the silver of metal. 

Loki felt cold, a tremble running down his arms. He reached down and tore the dead man's mask from his face but it held fast. Loki snarled and tore the mask. He was met not with white dead flesh but with metal and wiring. 

Something in Loki broke and he tore into Doom’s face. He dug his nails through the innards of machinery trying to slide his fingers into flesh, pleading that his fingers would become slick with blood. He clawed through Doom’s torso, letting out a sound that wasn’t human, as his hands came away with only metal. He tore Doom’s corpse to pieces and let a scream boil out of his body. His hands were shaking and cut all over from the metal but he kept digging because he couldn’t comprehend that Doom wasn’t there. Doom had to be dead. He had ruined everything, he had hurt him, it wasn’t _fair_ that he could just walk away.

"Sister?"

Loki lifted his gaze from the metal carcass to see Thor stood beside him. It was then he realised he had been laughing, a hysterical one, with his fingers warm and sticky with his own blood.

“He’s supposed to be dead,” Loki croaked, “I killed him.. but it’s a trick. He was supposed to suffer.”

Loki buried his head in his hands for a moment, hating how dizzy he felt. He nearly didn’t recognise the weight of Thor’s hand as he rested it against his shoulder.

“Doom will not get away with this,” Thor told him firmly, “I will make sure of it.”

Loki lent into his touch, an odd feeling spreading across his stomach when the hand moved to rest behind his neck. He could feel Thor’s presence next to him, now that his magic was free he would really _feel_ him, he was a calm twisting storm of energy. There was a strange comfort in that.

“I want him dead,” Loki choked out, “I want to break every bone in his body, peel his skin off. I want him to beg and to kill him anyway.. I want to… I want.."

Everything was quivering in his body. Everything was struggling and straining under his skin. It was then Loki realised how odd his body felt, it felt stretched and torn in a thousand directions, it felt so full of energy but so empty. There was a part of him that wondered if he was going to faint but he found he didn’t care. There was so much power at his fingertips and he had still failed to kill one man. He had failed.

Loki mumbled to himself, "He's supposed to be dead. He’s supposed to be dead."

Loki felt Thor gently pull him up into a standing position. He allowed himself to lean into him and accept his embrace because if he lost himself in this moment he wouldn’t have to think about what came after this. If he stayed here he didn’t have to think about where Doom was, he didn’t have to wonder where Svadilfari was, he didn’t have to wonder what happened now that magic was coursing through his body. Instead he leaned on Thor, his fingers curled tight as if that was enough to hold everything in place.

"One day," Thor insisted, "I will see that it is so, Sister."

Loki’s retort died in his throat as confusion fell over him. He found himself staring at Thor. He heard the thud of metal behind him but he didn’t turn instead his mind kept turning over the idea that he had surely misheard Thor.

“Is that you, Loki?” Stark said behind him.

Loki turned his head to look at Stark and saw his helmet was pulled back so that he could see his face. His eyes were looking intently at him, filled with interest and curiosity that he seemed to be trying and failing to rein in.

“It is,” Stark said, not waiting for a reply, “You never told me magic could turn you into a hot chick.”

Loki felt his eyes widen and his eyes flew down to his body. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed the differences. His hands and fingers were more slender, in fact his whole body was. There was nothing about him that wasn’t so obviously female. His hair brushed past his shoulders, heavier and thicker now. Loki cursed under his breath.

With a shimmer of green he reversed himself back to his male form. It didn’t feel much different but it felt more comfortable at the moment. He didn’t understand why his body had changed, he normally changed when it felt right. It didn’t make any sense but then sometimes magic never did, even for someone like him.

Thor shot him a disapproving look, "Loki, you didn't have to..." but he trailed off when Loki found himself coughing violently.

A scorching sensation burned through his body as he fell into a coughing fit. He felt his body trying to shift back into a woman but he resisted holding his form in place. Yet just the effort of throwing the spell over himself burned too much. It hurt all over. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and with one final push he forced his form to hold. It hurt but he knew it would hold.

He opened his eyes and immediately coughed up blood, nearly choking. His body was strained and damaged from the amount of magic he had been using.

"Loki?" Thor asked in a concerned voice. 

Loki waved him as he wiped the blood from his mouth. Loki pulled himself upright but the world suddenly tilted to the side. Metal arms caught him and he found himself lolling to the side for the moment. There was so much power in his body and yet it hurt.

Far away he could hear Stark and Thor talking but he didn’t pay attention to the words, he let them wash over him. Instead the world span around him as he tried to focus himself.

"We should get him back to the Tower," Stark said sounding very distant.

Loki only just had time to process the words before he felt his body shooting up into the air. He could feel the wind rushing through his air as he lost the sensation of the ground beneath his feet and yet he couldn’t focus on it over the pain under his skin. There was so much power in the pain, the magic was tantalising and felt like a home that had been taken away. It was in these moments that it was easy to forget it was deadly. This magic could have killed him but now he could feel it beginning to settle into his body as it went through the last of its aftershocks. He could feel the burning starting to lull into a warm hum. He could feel the magic knitting back together the damage of each burn it had caused.

When Loki was aware of himself enough to open his eyes he found the rooftop had changed into the long living room of Stark’s tower. He didn't remember walking there but after a moment he realised it had been Stark that had taken him here. He let out a sigh and it was nice that even such a small movement like that didn’t hurt.

Tentatively he reached his arm out to call to the magic under his skin. Loki felt a smile split across his face as green fire danced on his palm. He twisted his arm and watched it wrap around it. His arm was alight with a green flame, twisting and dancing across his skin. As he did so he felt a faint twinge inside, the way muscles felt when they’ve been pushed to their limits and have been torn. Despite this Loki couldn’t stop smiling because at least there wasn’t so much magic under his skin that it was threatening to rip him apart. It felt so good that the chains that had held his magic from him were finally broken. He was free. He was finally free. Loki never thought this would actually happen. 

“It’s nice to see you finally smile,” He heard murmured.

He paused and his eyes were drawn to Stark who was stood in the far corner. The fight was over and yet Loki noticed Stark was still in his armour, his stance remaining tense. Loki moved across the room towards him before stopping a short distance away so that he could look out the window. The sky was clear once more, there were no robots blocking the light and no green dome trapping them inside, but that didn't stop his unease. Victor Von Doom was still out there somewhere. His robots might be gone, he might have torn his army apart and ripped his doppelgänger to shreds but out there Doom was still there. Loki would make him feel what he had felt. He would make him know fear. He would rip his heart out and make him eat it. 

One of the light overhead shattered and startled him into the present. Loki realised there was a volatile green mist around him. Loki frowned, drawing the mist back into himself as he took a breath to calm himself.

"Loki?" Stark asked, concern leaking into his voice.

Loki stared at the broken glass across the ground and even though he gave Stark an apologetic look, he didn’t feel it. Instead Loki felt a rush, a flash of exhilaration, and for the first time in over a year Loki felt whole in a way he hadn't for a long time. It was like regaining the ability to walk after being paralysed for years, it wasn't something he would give up again without a fight. 

After the sound of breaking glass Loki couldn’t help noticing how quiet and empty the room was. Now that the fight was over Loki would have thought the rest of the Avengers would be here. He would have thought Thor would have been here at least. He was about to ask Stark why Thor hadn’t come back with him but he never got the chance. 

The large window at the far side of the living room shattered. A huge dark shape crashed through and a hammer flew back through the open space of the broken window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard chapter to edit but I hope you all enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think! I'm excited to edit the next chapter


	18. Chapter 18

Glass sliced through the air around him as the cold air from outside rushed in but Loki paid little attention. Instead his eyes were fixed on the dark form on the ground. The shape rose and let out a scream. Loki felt a coldness run through him as he took in the sight of the horse. His heart froze when he saw Thor appear through the cracked window in long strides, glass cracking under his boots. 

The horse charged, its hooves clashing against the ground as it charged at Thor with unnatural speed. It struck out with its legs and its hooves collided violently with Thor. Thor was knocked back and rolled across the ground for a few feet before he came to a stop. As he dragged himself up the horse was already circling, readying itself to launch itself again, but Thor let out a roar and slammed his hammer into the ground.

The room filled with lightning. The floor was tore in half by one clear blazing line that struck the horse and wrapped it in an explosion of white lightning. The power of the blast sent Loki flying back, colliding hard with the wall. His head rang for a moment as he straightened himself. Dust around Loki obscured his view but as it began to settle he saw the light bleed red, turned in on itself like a whirlwind.

Through the red haze Loki saw Svadilfari stood in the middle of a blackened floor, his mage’s staff firmly in the ground and glowing crimson. His hair had fallen from their braids and hung wildly around his face. There was a huge gash along his face but it did nothing to hide the blazing look in his eyes that made him look more animal than human. His bleeding mouth was torn into a vicious snarl. The tattoos across his arms were glowing and Loki could have sworn they were twisting and writhing across his skin but when Loki blinked they were unmoving again. 

Thor looked no better. Loki could see the signs of fatigue in the way his shoulders were drooped and yet he held the expression of a berserker. There was no wild grin for battle, only a grim determination mixed with rage that could barely be contained within his form. His hand clenched Mjolnir in a firm grip and Loki realised his fingers were stained with blood. His hair was wild and the parts looked more red than blond. Yet it was Thor’s eyes that caught Loki's attention, even from this distance, Loki could see a storm waiting to break free.

“You're a monster,” Svadilfari shouted, his voice thick and shaking.

“Me?” Thor bellowed, “You’re the real monster.”

Then Thor was moving. He was flying forward, his hammer arching as he brought it down. There was a painful clash of metal as Svadilfari brought his staff up into Mjolnir's path. Svadilfari held his stance as his feet slid back against the force of the blow. 

"You murdered my father!" Svadilfari screeched. 

He twisted his staff and sent a bolt of fire from the tip. Thor ducked and then threw himself forward, trying to land a hit on Svadilfari, but Svadilfari moved out of range and twisted his staff around for another strike.

"I never killed your father," Thor said, barely dodging the deadly swing of Svadilfari's staff, "He was executed for crimes against Asgard and not by my hand."

"You put him there. You dragged my father through the dirt like he was _nothing_ ," Svadilfari snarled, "He didn’t deserve that!"

Svadilfari slammed his staff down and a blast of red exploded from its base in all directions. Loki threw up a shield around him but Thor was too slow to react and took the brunt of it. The blast knocked Thor off his feet and smashed him into the wall. There was a louder crash and the wall crumbled down on top of Thor. If Thor had been mortal he would have been crushed to death.

"Guys!" Stark broke in, raising his glowing hands at Svadilfari, "Stop it!"

Svadilfari's face twisted into something ugly. Loki felt his heart clench at the sight. Svadilfari fired a bolt and Stark was sent flying back through brick. Loki wanted to shout to him but Stark had already recovered and had rose back up with his weapons raised. But before Stark could attack Svadilfari threw his hand up and a wall of flames engulfed him. Stark rushed back, his armour blackened from the flames. If Stark hadn’t been wearing his suit Loki hated to think what would have happened to him.  

"Svadilfari," Loki said, taking a step towards him. 

Svadilfari's head swung towards him. Loki felt himself pinned in place by his glowing eyes. Svadilfari’s lips curled and Loki stared at the blood dripping from them. In that moment Loki wanted the floor to swallow him up, he wanted the name he had spoken to be ripped from his lips. With a single look from Svadilfari he found himself unable to speak, his heart pounding in his chest, waiting for a blow to come.

"Stay out of this!" Svadilfari snarled at him.

Loki flinched back as if he had been struck but before anything more could come of it, it was as if he faded into the background. He found himself becoming a spectre as Thor dragged himself out from under the rubble of the wall that had collapsed on him. Loki could see the dust of the brick across Thor’s skin and sticking in the blood. Thor held himself in a way that Loki suspected he was injured but Loki couldn’t tell where but it didn’t stop Thor launching at Svadilfari again, Mjolnir clashing down against Svadilfari’s staff.

“Your father made his choices freely and he died for them,” Thor said, his expression dark and wild as he swung for Svadilfari’s head, “I will not be held responsible for his mistakes.” 

The hair on the back of Loki’s neck stood on end as Thor’s hammer began to spark with each swing. The air in the room became heavy but no one else seemed to show any awareness of it.

Instead Svadilfari shouted at Thor, “He was innocent!”

"He committed a crime," Thor grounded out, "Your people were banished to Muspelheim, forbidden from every Realm. You both broke that agreement."

"That wasn’t a reason to kill him," Svadilfari's voice broke.

Svadilfari lashed out, trying to run Thor through with his staff but Thor was quicker, he dodged the attack before slamming his hammer hard into Svadilfari. Loki swore he could the crack of something as Svadilfari flew back. He crashed against the ground and rolled, his staff slipping from his grasp in the process. Svadilfari made a grab for it but Thor had already seized him. To Loki’s shock instead of using his hammer, Thor simply punched Svadilfari in the face. His fist colliding over and over until blood started to run. The sound of Thor’s fists striking Svadilfari was enough to make Loki feel sick. He could hear cracking and awful cries of pain. Svadilfari was flailing, his arms coming up to protect his face but they simply became another target for Thor’s fist.

Just as Loki feared Thor would go too far, Thor dragged Svadilfari up and pinned him to the wall by his throat. Svadilfari let out an odd wheezing noise that Loki had never heard. Dark blood ran down his chin and Loki feared something was broken.

"That wasn't the only reason your father died and you know it," Thor spat, his voice had gone deadly quiet, reminding Loki of the quiet before the storm, "It was your own villainy that killed your father in the end."

"I did nothing," Svadilfari said, before spitting in Thor’s face. 

Thor let out a snarl and the hand around Svadilfari’s neck tightened. Svadilfari made a horrible choking sound, his eyes bulging. Loki felt his stomach clench, he had never seen so much blood running down Svadilfari’s face. He looked hurt. It was wrong. If Thor kept going he was going to kill Svadilfari, just like Loki had always feared he would. Loki reached out between the folds of Yggdrasil drew his staff into his hand. He could feel his fingers trembling against the cool metal.  

"Do not lie to me," Thor roared.

Thor was lifting Svadilfari entirely off the ground by his neck. Loki could see Svadilfari’s hands clawing his throat, trying desperately to pull himself free. Loki felt an odd sensation rush over him. Thor was ripping away everything that felt right in his life, everything that was normal was being taken. He stared at the hands around Svadilfari’s throat, he couldn’t understand why he hated every moment of it. Svadilfari looked so helpless and weak.

Loki wanted to open his eyes and for none of this to have happened. He wanted everything to return back to the way it was. The lies that held his life together were falling apart, as they always did, but Loki wished they had held for a little longer.  

“I’m not lying,” Svadilfari choked. 

Loki didn’t think Thor could squeeze tighter but he did. Svadilfari’s mouth flapped open and shut but there was no sound, there was no air. There a primal panic forming behind his eyes. There was something worse at seeing him gasping for air but this time being completely silent.

“You raped my little brother,” Thor’s voice trembled, “You raped him and you stand here as if you are the victim.”

Loki felt himself flush and he knew it wasn’t because of the wall of flames still burning near him. He could feel Thor’s words settling inside his head like a parasite. They felt dirty.

_Rape._

They weren’t words that should be shouted, let alone spoken aloud. It made him think of mud against his skin. It made him feel as if there was a hand brushing against him, pushing him down, holding him down. It made him feel hot breath against his neck and made him want to hide, to run and never look back.

Loki gritted his teeth and strode forward. His hands were trembling but he ignored it, instead he ripped Thor off Svadilfari in one clean motion. He tried not to wonder if he looked how he felt, a shaking mess of conflict, someone who wanted to pretend nothing was happening right now.

“Stop it,” Loki pleaded, trying to ignore the wet blood that drenched Thor’s fingers in red and the way his knuckles were split,  “He didn't r- he didn’t-”

Loki felt the words catching in his throat and he found he couldn’t speak it. He couldn’t give the word life. He couldn’t give the word truth.

Damn, Thor.

He was speaking of something that had never happened. He was speaking of lies and of things he’d rather forget. It was a memory he had to give up if he wanted to keep Svadilfari and yet he could feel his throat tightening and he could feel his eyes burning.  He didn’t know if he could let go and for a moment he wanted to tell the truth just once, even if it was just to himself.

"Brother-"

"He didn't do anything!" Loki found himself yelling.

His fists were clenched so tight that it hurt. His mouth was unbearably dry. If he denied it enough times then it hadn’t happened. It was a made up story to make him hate Svadilfari, that was what Svadilfari had told him. Svadilfari would never hurt him.

“This is his trickery, isn’t it?” Thor said, his voice was softer now.

Thor grabbed hold of his shoulders and his eyes searching his. Under Thor’s gaze Loki felt like his skin was being peeled back and that all of him was laid bare for all to see. Doubt seeped under his skin and the night that hadn’t happened became real. There were too many details in his memory and yet they shifted and fell through his fingers like water. He could remember flashes of images, he could remember the pain and fingers against his skin.

_Stop struggling. I’m going to make you feel so good._

He tried to swallow down a sob that was threatening to escape from his throat but it still leaked out. Horrified, Loki could feel wetness forming under his eyes. He swallowed, trying to push the voice from his mind, and shook his head in an answer but he wasn’t sure what he was denying.

He met Thor’s gaze and he saw it had hardened, it was darker now. He found himself stepping back, his heart beating quicker with the knowledge that nothing ever good came from a look like that.

“He might have fooled you but he’ll never fool me.” Thor said, the grip on his shoulders tightened, “I was there when you came back, I saw what he did to you. He’s supposed to be dead for that.”

Loki felt his throat seal up. He did remember Thor finding him. The memory was faint, just the brush of images across his mind’s eye but the memory was still there. Loki could remember Thor catching hold of him as his legs gave in and he could remember how it had felt like Thor’s hands were the only thing holding him together. He could remember Thor begging him to tell him what had happened and the horror that had consumed his eyes. He might have cried but he couldn’t remember.

The sound of metal hitting the ground brought Loki back to the present. He turned to see Stark standing in front of the wall of flames, his suit blackened but still functioning. Loki couldn’t see his expression and instead found himself staring at the unmoving metal mask.

"Why don't we all just step away from each other?" Stark cut in, "I'm sure we can sort this out without-"

"We will sort this out with that _monster’s_ death," Thor rumbled.

Thor’s hammer was in front of him once more as he turned his gaze on Svadilfari. All Loki could think was that despite everything he couldn’t bear the thought of Svadilfari dying. There was no point or purpose to Loki’s life if Svadilfari wasn’t in it. He wanted to shout a denial to all that Thor had accused Svadilfari of but he found he couldn’t. It was in the same way that he didn’t want to admit that if Thor succeeded then a part of Loki would be free, he wouldn’t get hit again, it wouldn’t feel like his every action was a test, and yet that thought was so wrong. Svadilfari was everything to him.

Svadilfari spat blood onto the ground, “I didn’t rape Loki,” He hissed, “You just can’t admit that he wanted me.”

“I saw what you did, I saw the marks you left on him,” Thor grounded out, “That was not love.”

“It was!”

“That was not for him to decide.”

There was a pause as words itched on the edge of Thor’s lips. Loki could see Thor’s jaw clenching and unclenching as his breath came in and out in a ragged fashion. The air was so thick that Loki was surprised he could breathe at all. The room had never felt so silent until Thor broke it once more. Thor spoke his next words softly but it did not stop them cutting through the air.

“Loki was not of age.”

Thor took a swung his hammer and it smashed straight through the wall where Svadilfari's head had been. Svadilfari was already in motion, slashing a pair of blades through the air in an attempt to land a hit but Thor blocked them easily with his gauntlets.

“He was my little brother,” Thor said, “He was too young to consent but you didn’t need that, did you? You _liked_ that.”

Svadilfari let out a roar and sent a ball of flames at Thor but he evaded it and the ball struck the far wall, singeing it instantly. Svadilfari slashed out with his blade instead but they were little match for Mjolnir.

Stark tried to move in and blast Svadilfari from behind but before Loki could stop him, Svadilfari vanished and reappeared behind Stark. Svadilfari’s hands began to glow a deep red and he clasped them down on Stark’s metal shoulders. Loki watched in horror as a red mist began to consume Stark’s form. One by one every joint of the suit melted together. Loki stared at Svadilfari’s glowing hands and his crawling tattoos that were blindingly white now. Stark became an immovable piece of metal.

Thor yelled out to Stark but Svadilfari was on him before he could get to Stark. They became a fury of attacks but Loki found himself frozen and useless. He was stood watching Svadilfari trying to hack his brother to pieces whilst Thor tried to bludgeon Svadilfari to death. He watched the still Ironman suit without knowing if Stark was alive inside but praying he was. He watched with magic at his fingertips, his staff and half a dozen knives, but that was all he did because he didn’t know who he was supposed to throw his knife at. It was all too much. He shouldn’t have to decide between his brother and his lover.

He had seen Thor like this before and he knew it wouldn't end well. When he was like this, he was a berserker, and he wouldn’t stop until he killed Svadilfari.  Yet Loki did nothing until Thor finally managed to slam his hammer hard into Svadilfari's chest. There was a horrible crunching of bone and Svadilfari staggered back, falling to the ground. 

“He was a child,” Thor growled, bring his foot down hard on Svadilfari's hand as he reached for a weapon, “You took that from him.”

Loki found himself finally moving. He was striding forward, his staff in his hand, as he tried to put himself between the two of them but it was impossible.

“Barely,” Loki gritted out, trying to distract Thor’s attention away from Svadilfari below him.

“Stop defending him,” Thor said, not taking his gaze off Svadilfari.

“I'm not,” Loki said, his hand reaching out for Thor’s shoulder, “I was only a few years too young, it isn’t a big deal.”

“He forced himself on you and you’re acting like it’s nothing, like it didn’t affect you.”

Thor dragged Svadilfari up by the throat as if he weighed nothing. There was a wild look drawing across as he swung back his hammer for a final strike. It felt like Loki’s world was coming to a grinding halt. Svadilfari couldn’t die.

"Thor!" Loki screamed, lurching forward. 

Svadilfari’s hand came up around Thor’s head, and before Thor’s strike landed, a red mists burst forth around them. The red mist seeped under Thor’s skin and Loki watched as Thor’s eyes turned from its usual blue to a burning red.

Thor’s hammer dropped from his grip, colliding with the ground. A sound, Loki had never heard in his life and never wanted to again, filled his ears. Loki couldn’t even describe it as screaming, it was so much worse than that, and it was spilling from Thor’s mouth. The sound went on and on with no seeming end. Thor's body began to convulse, his limbs twisting and turning in agony, as steam rose from his skin.

Yet what Loki found worse was when his body went completely still and fell to the ground. Loki could still hear the echo of Thor’s scream even though they had fallen silent. If Thor’s chest hadn’t been rising and falling, Loki would have said he was dead. Svadilfari pulled his hands away from the sides of Thor’s head and Loki saw burnt skin and muscle where his fingers had been. An awful smell of burning flesh hit him and Loki was nearly sick. The skin where Svadilfari’s hands had bubbled and boiled right off.

Svadilfari was hovering over Thor’s body now seeming so much bigger than him, his form blocked any light from touching Thor. Svadilfari drew out a dagger, raising the blade raised in the air above him. Loki could see the faint murmur of words across Svadilfari's lips but couldn't catch what they were. 

Time slowed down and his whole world narrowed to the edge of the knife. He could remember all the times he had wished Thor was dead. He could remember every fantasy of plunging a knife into Thor. Yet now that the opportunity had presented itself, Loki couldn’t remember _why_ he had wanted this. Loki couldn’t imagine a world where Thor didn't exist, where he was dead, but that was a lie. It wasn't that he couldn't imagine it, it was that he didn't _want_ to imagine it. He wanted Thor to live.

Lok didn't fully process what that meant because Svadilfari was already thrusting his blade down and before he could think he was throwing a bolt of magic at the blade. The bolt made contact and the dagger was sent flying from his grip. Loki had his staff up over Thor’s body before Svadilfari could strike again. Another blade came down but he caught it, sparks flying off his staff.

"Stop!" Loki shouted, "Stop it!"

"I will stop when he is dead," Svadilfari snarled, whipping his blade around.

Loki ducked a swing of Svadilfari's blade before bring his staff around to clash Svadilfari’s hand with so much force that he dropped it. The knife spun across the floor, out of reach, but another simply appeared from nowhere into his hand.

"Stop this," Loki pleaded, "Please, Svadilfari."

With the next swing Loki let go of his staff. He voluntarily let his only defense clang to the floor and he stood motionless as Svadilfari swung. Loki watched as the blade sliced towards him. At the last moment it angle changed abruptly and it cut empty air instead. Svadilfari stared at him with wide eyes, breath racing out of him.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Svadilfari demanded, "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Under Svadilfari’s gaze there was a part of him that wanted to move and get out of its scrutiny but he was the only person that stood between Thor and Svadilfari. He ignored his pounding heart and remained where he was stood.

"Stand aside." Svadilfari said.

"I can't." Loki said, ignoring the tremor in his voice.

Svadilfari's face twisted, “You would defend the man who killed my father?”

“Thor didn’t kill your father,” Loki said, “You know that.”

“He might as well have,” Svadilfari snarled, it seemed his patience had all vanished because his next words were sharp, "Get out of my way, I’m going to make Odin feel what he forced me to feel.” 

Svadilfari pressed the knife up to Loki’s throat. He felt his breath stutter as he felt its bite against his skin but he held his ground, refusing to move out of the way.

“Why are you defending him?” Svadilfari said, “He doesn’t care about you. He _hates_ you. I’m doing this for both of us.”

Loki stared up at Svadilfari’s bloodied bruised face and at his blood stained teeth as he snarled. He looked like a mad dog. There was nothing calm behind his eyes, only madness and the promise of pain. Loki’s breath caught in his throat at the sight and he missed Svadilfari’s blow as he sent his elbow crashing into his face. Loki fell like a stone.

For a moment Loki’s world twisted from the black to white before he twisted himself right. From the ground he looked up to see Svadilfari raising his blade over Thor’s heart once more.

“This will free us both,” Svadilfari said. 

"No," Loki gasped.

Loki threw a blast at him and Svadilfari was sent reeling back by burning green magic. Loki scrambled to pull himself up but hands were in his hair and he felt a sharp burn as he was dragged up. He came face to face with Svadilfari, blood dripping down his chin.

“What are you doing? Asgard does not care about you,” Svadilfari bellowed, “Odin won’t thank you for this. They hate you, they all hate you, and nothing you ever do will change that.”

Svadilfari yanked harder until his head was bent into an unnatural angle. His tone made Loki freeze. He had heard that tone so many times. It was the voice that called him a disappointment. It was a voice that meant pain wasn’t too far away.

"He.." Loki gasped wetly, "He is my brother. I can’t let you hurt him."

Loki didn't even see him swing. He only felt an explosion of pain as his fist cracked into him. His head crashed into the ground as a metallic taste exploded into his mouth. Svadilfari was on top of him and he could barely raise a hand before his fist came down again and again. All he felt was pain and warm blood pouring down his face. Fear coursed through his body making his body curl away from the assault.

The world was spinning around and around but in the midst of it, Loki brought his knee up hard enough to dislodge Svadilfari. He tried to crawl away across the cold ground but a strong hand grabbed hold of him. Loki was hanging up in the air, his feet no longer on the ground. 

"Do I mean nothing to you?" Svadilfari roared, his eyes wild, “You care more about Thor than you ever did about me. You care more about his life than what he did for my family.”

Loki grabbed at his hands, trying to break his grip but he couldn’t. Pain was still blooming across his body but he barely felt it over the slice of Svadilfari’s words and the looming threat of more.  

"I'm never going to come first with you, am I?" Svadilfari slammed him back into the wall. Loki tried to summon a counterspell but his hand were shaking too much.

“I'm never enough,” Svadilfari said, “There’s always someone else who’s more important. You don’t want me, you never have.”

Loki’s whole body was shaking and he tried to curl away from him but there was nowhere for him to go. 

"You twist your little lies," Svadilfari hissed, "You play the victim and tell your brother how I raped you. Acting like you didn’t like it, like you didn’t ask for it. It’s easier to lie so no one knows you’re a whore."

"I never told him," Loki gasped out.

"Liar!" 

His fist slammed into his stomach and Loki lurched forward into nothing, nearly vomiting. He twisted his hands to form a spell to teleport away but his wrists were pinned together. Svadilfari’s face turned to fury as his grip tightened enough to bruise his skin.

"Were you trying to get away from _me_?" Svadilfari asked inches from his face, his voice was low but it was thick and almost quaking with the anger locked under his eyes, "Fleeing like the victim you want to pretend you are?"

Loki could feel his hot breath against his cheek. There was magic under his skin and yet he was frozen in place, fear coursing through his veins and turning him to stone. He couldn’t bring himself to strike Svadilfari. 

“Do you want to know what it feels like to lose everything?” Svadilfari asked, “Do you want to feel what it’s like to have no family, no one in all the Realms, and then to have the one person in your life that you love betray you?”

"Svad-"

His world turned into fire. Under Svadilfari’s grip everything turned white and it felt like his skin was melting off and bubbling under the heat. He writhed and screamed. Loki tried to pull away from Svadilfari's grip but he couldn't. He couldn't get away from the searing pain. It was so intense that he couldn't tell if he was going to vomit or fall unconscious but all he knew was that he wanted it to stop. He would claw his own skin off to stop it.

The pain just kept coming and his whole world was reduced to the parts of his body that was on fire. He was burning up. Loki clawed and fought but he couldn't make sense of it, he couldn’t stop it. The world was spinning around and around and he was opening his mouth to scream but nothing was coming out anymore. Perhaps his throat had melted away.

He was lifted off the ground and the burning wrapped around his throat. He couldn’t breathe. He twisted away from the pain, trying to catch his breath, but his feet simply swung in the air. 

There was no air. He couldn’t breathe. His awareness was receding, his mind slowing. The pain was so sharp but his body was gone. He was choking on the burning. 

_Little God, stop fighting me._

_Freedom is life’s greatest lie, you know that._

Loki thrashed and choked harder under the grip. He swore in the white he saw the darkness of space. He swore he could see purple skin and a cruel smile that held more promises than Loki wished to know. He tried to tell himself it wasn’t real and that it was the burning speaking. He could hear the chattering of their voices, insects, as they brought burning metal to his skin.

Loki could hear the grating of his laughter. He could feel the pain that followed, he could hear himself begging until his voice was bloody. He would destroy a Realm to get away from the sound of that voice. 

Hot metal was rammed through him and occasionally they made him do it to himself. They loved the sounds he made. They made him wear his true skin and watch it bubble away. He could still remember how his blue skin had looked as it slid off the bone. He could still remember the sound of his screams before they cut off when his voice became torn and broken. The laughing, he could still hear it. 

_You think you know pain?_

Loki flinched. He didn't. He knew he didn't. There were worse things that they could do, that they would do. Just when he thought it couldn't get worse, it always did. He was never getting out of here. He could offer them everything he knew but they already had it. They had ripped him apart and remade him so many times, he didn't know who he was anymore.

All he knew was the sound of his laughter, the sound of claws against the ground that promised pain. There would always be pain. There would always be someone to take him apart and remould him all over again. 

The burning around his neck grew more intense. He could hear himself through the choking and cut off screams that mixed sweetly with the smell of melting flesh.

Then there was a flash of light. A bright blue light penetrated through his white vision. It was the deepest blue he had ever seen, it was electric and painful, but the sight of it made him feel oddly comforted.

The blue blazed through the room and Loki found himself dropping back down to the ground. The pressure around his neck was gone and along with it so was the burning sensation. He coughed and spluttered. It hurt but at least he could breathe once more.

Loki sucked in air wetly, finding the cool air stung his lungs. The blue haze of his vision had faded and now he could see the ground below him, he could feel his trembling hands overstretched across it. Dust had settled around him and Loki could make out all the scorch marks around him. The wall behind him was now crumbled and within the rubble Loki could make out a body.

There was this feeling inside him of something lost, a light extinguished, but he pushed past the dread. He dragged himself off the ground, his hands instinctively touching his neck and flinching as he felt the sting of his fingers touching warm, wet and sticky skin.

_Little God._

He shuddered and shut his eyes. He wasn't there anymore. It was all just fragments, nightmares of a past best left where it belonged - forgotten. They couldn't get him here. Not right now. 

He opened his eyes and found Svadilfari pulling himself from the rubble. His hands were white from the dust. His eyes were hard and unblinking but his arm was at the wrong angle. Loki tried to calm his breathing as he drew the blade his mother had made him and tried to pretend that it would be enough.

"What the fuck was that blue?" 

Loki backed away from him as Svadilfari stepped forward. He could feel blood dripping down his face and it occurred to him that Svadilfari had probably broken his nose when he had punched him. 

“What did you do?” Svadilfari hissed, “That wasn’t your magic.”

Loki clutched the blade tight in his hand, unsure if when it came down to it if he would be able to use it against him. He could still feel his heart pounding in his chest, his mind spinning as he tried to decipher what Svadilfari meant. Everything was a blur and he just wanted to lie down and not get up. 

"I don't know what-"

"Stop it," Svadilfari snapped, "Stop lying." 

Loki flinched, his hand holding the blade was wavering. 

"I saw it," Svadilfari strode forward almost within reach of him, "The blue came out of you.."

"I didn't do it," Loki insisted, his hand dropping as he felt his breath quickening again. He didn’t want to hurt.

"I know," Svadilfari said.

His hand reached for his shoulder and Loki tried to move away but Svadilfari still got a grip of it. Loki trembled under his touch. It was hard to tell if Svadilfari meant the touch to be comforting, restricting or a lingering threat.

Svadilfari continued in a soothing voice, "I know you didn't mean it but what was it?"

"I don't know," Loki whispered, "it wa-wasn't me."

He felt fingers through his hair. His touch was so gentle now and Loki leaned into it, trying to find comfort as his body still sang of pain and shook at the possibility of more.

"You're right," Svadilfari said, his grip in his hair suddenly tightening. 

Loki’s heart started pounding against his chest again when he heard the dip in Svadilfari's voice, the threatening tone now returning. He was close enough to slip his knife between Svadilfari’s ribs before he hurt him but Loki knew he wouldn’t. He was weak. Even now, he didn’t want to hurt Svadilfari. Not when Svadilfari’s face was twisted from Thor’s fist and his breath was staggered from the pain. Loki could see the formation of bruising from Thor’s hand around Svadilfari’s neck.

"It wasn’t your magic, there was something different about it, " Svadilfari said, his eyes darkened becoming calculating, "What are you hiding from me?"

Loki stared up at Svadilfari and hesitated. He wasn't hiding anything because he didn't know what the blue magic was. It had come out of him but it wasn't him, his magic wasn't blue and it couldn’t change colour. The colour of magic was as changeable as a fingerprint. Whatever it had been wasn't him. Something skimmed at the edge of his mind, a doubt, a taste of vomit in his mouth, but he brushed it away.

Svadilfari's grip loosened and he let go of him. Loki stepped back as Svadilfari outstretched his palm. The tattoos along his arms began to glow but his palm didn't. Loki felt tendrils of magic brush against his own. He resisted at first but it pushed inside him, searching inside him. Svadilfari's magic intermingled with his own. It brushed and tangled, burned and soothed as Svadilfari reached into him.

He felt a twinge of pain as it touched something foreign inside him. Svadilfari gasped, his magic recoiling so quickly it caused Loki’s magic to flare painfully in defence. Svadilfari's magic twisted around them, crackling in the air as a physical entity.

"When were you going to tell me?" Svadilfari gaze was accusing. 

"What?"

"You’ve been hiding a child from me, keeping it all to yourself," Svadilfari whispered, "I won’t let you, you hear me? I'll cut it out of you if I have to."

Loki froze in place.

_Child._

The word seared through his mind but did not make sense and yet the blue magic that was not his own had come from within him. Then he remembered the vomiting, the pain and as he reached inside of him he wasn’t surprised when a tiny song called out to him.

He was with child. 

His hand came to rest on his stomach and he was overwhelmed with a feeling, a frenzy, a protective feeling that screamed _mine_. A primal need to protect. Before the feeling was swallowed by a darker feeling, a fear, a repulsion of what was inside him. His feeling settled back to a desperate want, a need to keep the blue song singing. 

"It is mine." Svadilfari growled, "You will not discard my child this time."

"My children have been many things but discarded has never one of them," Loki spat with such venom that he saw a look of surprise cross Svadilfari's face. 

He would not let anything hurt this child. Not this time. 

Svadilfari's face darkened, "Then where is our son? You threw him away and abandoned him."

" _I_ abandoned him?" Loki said, his fists tightening into balls, "Where were you? You were dead and I was on my own with a child I never asked for. I wasn't even considered a man yet, Svadilfari." Loki gritted his teeth against his shaking voice, "If you cared about Sleipnir you would have come back, it was me against Asgard. I never abandoned him. I never stood a chance."

There was a dangerous spark in Svadilfari's eye, "You dare blame me after everything I've done for you."

Loki felt a shiver run down his spine.

"You can pretend you're better than me but you're not," Svadilfari said, "You say your children are not discarded but you discarded Sleipnir. You even discarded your monster of a daughter."

Loki slapped him across the face.

For a moment there was silence. Svadilfari head jerked to the side, his eyes wide like he couldn’t believe he had done it and if Loki was honest with himself he could barely believe he had done it either. It was as if his body had moved without him.

His daughter was not a monster. Svadilfari had never even met her, he had been too busy pretending to be dead. His daughter was the one thing that was truly his, the one thing that would never be Svadilfari’s. Loki loved his daughter and had never discarded her.

"Take it back." Loki whispered, tears threatening to break free. 

"You want me to lie?" Svadilfari asked, "I will not. You threw your children away, just like you do with everything. I will not let you do that with this one."

"I'm not going to," Loki insisted, "They’re innocent, they’re mine."

Svadilfari eyes searched his and strangely his expression softened. Svadilfari reached out but his hand but never quite touched him. The tension in Svadilfari’s body seemed to ease and for some reason that made Loki more nervous.

"This is exactly what we need," Svadilfari said, his voice lighter, "This could be our chance to start over, we could finally start a family."

Loki paused, the grip on his blade loosening, as a bloody smile bloomed over Svadilfari’s face. Loki watched as Svadilfari’s hands began to move, pulling on unseen threads. His fingers twisted and curled as he weaved magic into the air. The red flairs of magic began to curl and cut the air open to form a hole. Svadilfari pulled and the hole tore wide open to reveal a green landscape floating inside the gaping tear where the living room had once been. The sky within the hole was foreign and unlike the Midgardian one. 

"Come on," Svadilfari said, gesturing to the portal, "We can’t stay here, not now that everyone knows who I am and especially since you refuse to let me solve the issue by killing Thor."

Loki swallowed. He looked at the portal that showed green grass and a new world to be explored. It was a new start, a new life, far away from his old one. He could be happy and finally raise a child with two parents instead of one. He could make himself a new identity.

He looked down at his hands, at the blood on them, and he looked past them to the scorch marks on the ground, the rubble around them. Only moments before Svadilfari had been choking him, burning the life out of him. It hadn’t been for the first time either, Svadilfari kept hurting him.

He thought of Thor and of his rage and his belief of what had happened so long ago in those woods. Something had happened there that Loki wanted to pretend hadn’t but that didn’t change the truth. Something very wrong had happened.

If Loki went with Svadilfari, it wouldn’t change anything. This time there would be no Stark to stop him jumping. There would be no one to protect his unborn child, who had already saved him. It would be him and Svadilfari, in a new environment, but at the end of the day they would still be the same people.

Loki was mad. He was weak. He was pathetic. He was clinging to a fantasy where Svadilfari loved him, where he wouldn’t hurt him. He kept blinding himself to what Svadilfari had done and was doing. Svadilfari had nearly killed him. It was only a matter of time before he finished the job.

“I can’t go with you.” Loki said, taking a step back.

“What?” Svadilfari said, disbelief filling his voice, “We can’t stay here.”

Loki took another step back. He couldn’t quite bring himself to meet Svadilfari’s eye because if he did he didn’t know if he could stop him changing his mind. Loki felt as if he was stuck in the middle, one step away from letting go and another from running straight back.

Svadilfari paused and asked, “Are you still clinging to sentiment, to the hope that Thor loves you? None of them care about you, they don’t love you the way I do. They aren’t worthy of you.”

Svadilfari suddenly had a grip of his arm. He was looking at him with such intensity that Loki felt his mouth go dry.

"I don't want to go somewhere else," Loki said. 

"You don't want to?" Svadilfari’s voice grew high and the wild look was returning to his eyes, “I will die if we stay here and then what will you have? You’re nothing without me. You’re filth, you’re pathetic. You _need_ me.”

Loki stared at the portal and the grass that lay beyond. It would truly be just him and Svadilfari out there. There would be no getting away. A part of him still hoped he could take back his words but he needed to end this.

"We can’t stay here." Svadilfari grounded, "We are going _right now._ "

Svadilfari grabbed his shoulders and started to drag him forward. Loki panicked as his feet started to drag across the ground towards the portal. He slashed out with his knife but Svadilfari grabbed his wrist and pulled the blade straight from his hand. 

Svadilfari held the knife and went to turn it when he let out a pained yell. The knife clattered from his hand and Loki stared at the glowing knife on the ground and then at the burnt imprint of runes on Svadilfari's palm. 

Loki felt an inappropriate laugh bubble out of his throat but it sounded more like a sob. The brand of runes across Svadilfari’s palm were promises of the pain to come if Loki went with him.

Without even meaning to the words slipped out. 

"You're never going to stop," Loki said. 

Svadilfari stared at him, rubbing his injured hand, "What?"

With those words, he could hear every word Stark had said to him. Deep down Stark had known what was going on, he had tried to warn Loki what would happen if he stayed. Loki hadn’t listened and now he had the burns on his body as payment. Stark had told him it would never end.

It hit Loki that he wanted it to end. He was sick of the fear. He was sick of the pain. Maybe it was better to be alone than it was to be beaten.

"You must be mad if you think I’m coming with you," Loki’s voice sounded hysterical to his own ears, "You just tried to kill me. You beat me, not for the first time. You keep beating me and you promise me it won’t happen again.”

Loki clenched his fists, a sudden anger flaring up, "And the sad part is that I keep believing you! I forgive you every time you lay a hand on me and I tell myself it’s my own fault. But how is this-” He said gesturing to the damage to his face and neck, “My fault?”

"Loki I didn't-"

"Didn't what?" Loki yelled, "Didn't mean it? Don't insult me," Loki took in a deep ragged breath, "How many times do I have to forgive you? I think we both know you won't stop."

"It isn't my fault," Svadilfari snapped. 

"It never is!" Loki felt his throat nearly ceasing up, "Always someone else or me. Or should we go for some sad childhood trauma that means you’re allowed to be an arsehole?"

"You want to start over and go somewhere else," Loki gestured to the portal, "but it won't change a thing. You’re never going to stop hurting me and now.."

Loki paused, his hand coming to rest on his stomach. “It’s not just me who’s going to get hurt next time you decide I’ve fucked up. You're everything to me, you know that." Loki swallowed, "But I can't wait for you to change, for your anger to stop. You’re.. you’re going to kill me. I want us to work, you used to make me so happy, but I have to accept that we.. we don't work and we never will."

“We do work,” Svadilfari interrupt, stepping towards him but Loki immediately backed up.

“We don't! We might never work and that’s fine. But I can’t bring a child into this relationship, I won’t stand there and let you hurt them.”

“Loki, I love you. I can’t live without you, I would never hurt that child,” Svadilfari said, “You’re the only thing that’s right in my life. You just.. make me so angry sometimes but with a new start, we can change things.”

Loki felt tears start to drip down his face, “You won’t change.”

“Loki, I will, I promise I will!” Svadilfari said, “I don’t know where you’re getting this all from. I would never hurt you or our child. Everyone is twisting everything. Just like Thor, remember? He wanted you to believe I raped you but I didn’t. When we get away from those liars, you’ll see, I promise.”

“Thor,” Loki said thickly, tears falling, “was telling the truth. Maybe it wasn’t rape.. but it was something. It was wrong, whatever it was.”

Loki reached out with his magic and twisted Svadilfari's workings. He threaded his own magic into the portal and the image changed from green grass to red scorched earth and a sky made of flames. Svadilfari gaze turned to the portal and realisation dawned on his face.

“I can’t keep giving you more chances,” Loki said, through the tears, “I care about you but this has to stop.” 

A snarl formed on Svadilfari's face, "I should have known you were incapable of forgiving me for my little mistakes. If you weren’t so infuriating I wouldn’t have had to hit you, would I? You don't love me anymore, that's what is, isn't it?"

Svadilfari lunged forward but Loki flung his arms out, magic blasting from his open palms. Svadilfari was sent flying back. There was no chance for Svadilfari to catch himself as the green force threw him back and straight through the portal. 

With a jerk of his magic, Loki tore the portal apart and it closed with a sudden pop. Loki found himself left with an empty space where Svadilfari had once been.

"Who ever said I didn't love you?" Loki whispered into the silence, before he broke down into sobs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all being so patient with my upload schedule. I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know what you think!


	19. Chapter 19

Loki wanted nothing more than to sink to his knees. He wanted to shut his eyes and pretend the world outside wasn’t happening but instead his eyes were wide open. He stared at the husk of a room that had been destroyed in the ensuing fight. Yet as Loki stared at the empty space and into the silence engulfed him, it was the emptiness haunted him the most.

Svadilfari was gone. 

Loki took in quick gulps of air as tears continued to pour down his face. He could hear himself making an odd hiccupping noise but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It was hard to breathe and he knew he was starting to panic.

Svadilfari was gone and it was all his fault. He had pushed him. Literally. He had looked him in the face and betrayed him like Svadilfari had always said he would. The one person who loved him in the whole world and he had betrayed.

_He doesn’t love you._

Loki swallowed. He had done the right thing. Svadilfari hadn’t loved him, not in a way that was healthy. Yet whatever Svadilfari had felt, it had been something, it had meant he wasn’t alone. In the silence Loki knew being alone was better than what had been. Being alone couldn’t hurt him in the way being with Svadilfari would.

Loki hurt too much. Not in a physical sense but inside, he felt as if he was being ripped in half. The one person his whole world revolved around was gone and he was somehow supposed to know what to do. He didn’t. He was free. Svadilfari couldn’t touch him or his child but there was something scary about that. At least after Svadilfari had beaten him, he would look after him, he would smile at him and for a moment he was worth something. Svadilfari would tell him what he could and couldn’t do and that became Loki’s right and wrong.

Loki gritted his teeth and forced himself to take in the blackened cycle. This had gone too far. It didn’t matter if Svadilfari loved him, he was going to kill him, he had tried to kill him, and it had to be stopped. He had done the right thing even if it felt so utterly wrong.

Loki turned his gaze around the broken room until it fell on Stark’s armour. He felt his stomach drop. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, trying to ignore how more blood came away than tears. He had been so caught up with himself he hadn’t checked on the others Svadilfari had hurt.

He started moving quickly over to the damaged, black armour when an arm grabbed hold of him. Loki flinched and struggled but the grip was painfully firm. He twisted around and found Thor holding onto him.

Loki had never seen Thor look so pale. He could see blood dripping from his nose and he could see Svadilfari’s hands brunt into him like a brand. Yet it was Thor’s eyes that worried Loki, they seemed half crazed, glowing with unkempt lightning.

"Where is he?" Thor said, his voice rough from screaming, "I'm going to take his head."

"He’s gone." Loki said softly, trying to tug himself free. 

Thor only grabbed hold of him tighter and pulled him close, “Where did he go?” Thor asked urgently, “I will not let him get away this time.”

"He's gone, Thor." Loki said, he tried to pry his fingers off him, “Get off me.”

Thor’s brows tightened as he looked down at his grip on him but he finally released him. His expression only seemed to tighten. Yet Loki only felt the relief of being released.   

“I can’t let him get away,” Thor said, “It is worrisome that he found you in the first place. We must find his ally Doom and strike while we still have the chance.”

Thor didn’t know.

He felt sick. He didn’t know that Svadilfari had been parading around in Sean’s form. He didn’t know that Loki had been sleeping with his rapist. That Loki had loved him. He though Svadilfari was allied with Doom and not that Loki had allowed him to live amongst them. He was forever letting Thor down.

“He wasn't with Doom,”

“You cannot know his motives,” Thor said, “It is no coincidence that that monster shows up when Doom attacked.”

Loki swallowed. The truth lay thickly on his lips and yet he couldn’t bear the disappointment in Thor’s eyes. He couldn’t handle the doubt it would throw. He certainly couldn’t handle what Thor would do if he found out the true extent of what Svadilfari had done.

There was a loud crash. Loki jerked around the destroyed living room to see Stark half crouched on the ground, with his blackened armour in pieces around him. Stark’s chest rose and fell, his expression looked hysterical. His skin was covered in a blacken dust but Loki could see no blood.

“Don’t mind me,” Stark cut in, “I’ll just cut myself out of my own suit.”

“Friend Stark, I am sorry-”

Stark waved Thor off with a parody of a smile. Loki couldn’t help but notice the glazed look to Stark’s eyes, the way his breath was still too fast to be normal or how there was a tremor to his hands.

“Come on, let’s get you two to a doctor,” Stark continued, "and me to a drink."

Loki paused, Stark wasn't wrong. Everything hurt. He was dead on feet but even then Loki could be his own doctor. He reached out to his magic to heal his wounds. A soothing feeling fell over him and he felt the start of his wounds knitting together but then his magic flickered and snapped back. It cracked him hard, whipping hard through his body. Loki jolted and felt blood run from his nose again. Reaching for his magic made his body burn as if to touch his magic was to stick his hand into acid.

"Loki?"

"I think..." Loki said, "I've used too much…"

"You're burnt out?" Stark asked. 

Loki nodded. 

That was probably the reason. He had gone from using no magic, to having so much power he had broken Odin’s chains and had nearly burst open. Loki gritted his teeth, he wanted to reach out and heal his wounds but he was useless. He touched the edges of his magic and he found it was there, damaged but not permanently. When it was fixed, he would be himself again.

Loki let them lead him to the infirmary, not that Loki could have stopped Thor and Stark if they had forced him. Loki sat as some nurse cleaned his wounds and patched him up. Yet he wasn’t focused on their treatment, instead he was falling. He couldn’t get the image of Svadilfari’s last look out of his head. He had looked betrayed. He had looked hurt. Loki had done that to him and yet… despite everything, it had been the right thing to do.

_You raped my little brother._

Loki swallowed. It _had_ to be the right thing to do. He had to accept he wasn’t safe around Svadilfari. If he had stayed any longer Svadilfari would have killed him. He had tried to. He had tried to kill his brother. Svadilfari might have loved him but it had all gone so terribly wrong.

Loki felt his eyes becoming hot but luckily the nurse seemed to be finished with him. He could see others being treated around him but for once no one seemed to be focused on him. It allowed him to slip away unnoticed as far as he was aware.

Loki didn't remember the journey clearly. All he knew was he was walking away, he was getting away. His vision was dizzy as he entered his apartment after all there was nowhere else he could think to go. The familial was comforting after all.

Loki didn’t remember laying down, he didn’t remember walking over to the sofa and yet when he opened his eyes, that was where he was laying. Morning light pouring through the window. The cushion he was leaning against was ever so slightly damp. Loki sat up and twisted the crook out of his neck.

As he moved to the bathroom he found the dizzy feeling had left him. Yet the wells of magic within him still ached and burnt. Loki couldn’t help the niggle building in the back of his mind that wondered if his magic would ever heal properly.

He pulled at the edges of his bandages to glimpse the still fresh wounds. He had hoped they would be gone but they were still there. As he looked in the mirror he could see how much of a mess he was. There were parts of his face that just didn’t look right, a reminder of what Svadilfari had done, but he reminded himself that it wasn’t permeant and it would heal. Yet even when they faded, what Svadilfari had done would still be with him. He didn’t think he would forget the moment when he hadn’t known if Svadilfari would stop or would simply beat him to death.

Loki swallowed and rested a hand on his stomach. He couldn’t feel any movement under his hand but he knew his child was there. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen the signs but then he knew he wouldn’t have wanted to believe. This wasn’t the first time he had held Svadilfari’s child inside him but experience didn’t make him feel any more ready.

He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a shuddered breath. He should kill it. He should cut it out of him. It would be a mercy. No child of Loki had ever found any lasting happiness. They were always ripped from him.

But he knew he couldn't kill it, just as he hadn’t killed Sleipnir. This child was still his child and it deserved better. He would find a way to provide the best for this child, somehow. Maybe this time could be different. All he knew was he could lose another child.

He had never asked for children but he would never regret them. He didn’t ask for this one but he would be damned if he gave up on it. This one could have been different. He could have been happy. He and Svadilfari could have raised this child together but he was stood here in a bathroom, alone.

His knuckles turned white. 

Loki was alone and it was all his fault. His body ran cold. He had sent Svadilfari through a portal. He had _rejected_ Svadilfari and refused his offer for a new start and a chance at happiness.  The one person in all the realms that loved him and he had ruined it. Just like he ruined everything. Pathetic.

Loki gritted his teeth together. He hadn't. _He hadn't._ Svadilfari would have hurt the child, he would have hurt him. He was better off without anyone. He was better off alone.

Yet Loki wanted Svadilfari. He knew it was wrong but he did. It felt nice to be wanted, to belong somewhere. He was nothing without Svadilfari. He didn't care what he had done to him.

Loki paused and opened his eyes, “Liar,” Loki whispered to himself.

He stared at his body and all the marks Svadilfari had left. It was a sight Loki knew he was used to. It was quicker to count the times when he hadn’t looked beaten half to death than the other way around. It was just the way his life had been. He did something wrong, Svadilfari corrected him. Loki didn’t mind.

Yet Loki was lying to himself. He wanted Svadilfari to love him but all he did was hurt him. No matter what Loki changed about himself Svadilfari always ended up hating him. Loki didn't want to hurt anymore, he couldn't deal with it. He couldn't be afraid of every word he spoke, every action or sound he made. He couldn’t be afraid of what he would do that would send Svadilfari over the edge because it didn’t matter. He was starting to think Svadilfari didn’t need a reason.

He loved Svadilfari but this wasn’t right. Sending Svadilfari away wasn't something Loki had ever imagined himself doing. It had happened so quick. A split second decision that changed everything. He hadn’t known that Thor would attack Svadilfari and he hadn’t known the only way he would have been able to protect him and his child would be to push Svadilfari.

After the whole situation had been resolved maybe Svadilfari would have never hurt him again and they could have been a family. It would have been perfect. 

Loki traced the edge of his bandages, ignoring the sting of pain.

Thor had said he remembered the marks on his body.

_I saw what he did to you._

No.

Loki stared at where the hand marks around his neck lay under the protective layer. If he focused he could feel the ghost of hands holding him down. He could hear hooves cracking the ground beneath them. 

Loki tried to block out Thor’s words but they burst forward into his mind.

_Rape._

Loki hated that word. When it was uttered out loud, it felt like it sliced through him. It took things from him.

Svadilfari had said he wanted it. Thor said he hadn't. Thor had said he had been too young to say yes. Thor had spoken with such conviction.

Loki breath caught in his throat. He remembered confusion. He remembered Svadilfari hands moving across him. He remembered the fear when he had released what was happening.

He remembered running. Loki remembered running until his chest burnt, running and running, but knowing it would never be fast enough.

There was a struggle. He had kicked, scratched and bitten at those hands but he hadn't been strong enough. Svadilfari had hit him. The world had span. Svadilfari had wrapped his hand around his throat, holding him as he-

Loki let out an enraged yell and everything bottled up sudden expelled out of him. Green light flared out and everything was sent crashing back. The mirror in front of him cracked along with the window, tiles tumbled down, and Loki found himself falling downwards onto his knees, sobs wrenching out of him. 

Everything was a mess. Lies were lying on top of lies. Truths were in plain view but slipped between his fingers. All because he couldn’t be honest with anyone, least himself, but Loki wasn't sure which were truths. 

He didn't know how to function without Svadilfari. Svadilfari told what to do, what to think. It was easier. He was nothing without him. Worthless. Loki deserved everything he got. 

Loki dug his nails into his arm until it bled. Svadilfari was bad for him. He promised that he would stop hurting him but he never stopped. Each time it only got worse. If Loki had done nothing, Svadilfari would have killed him. Loki slumped. That wouldn't be such a bad thing. 

His fingers traced the cracked edge of broken tiles as he stared numbly down. His cheeks were wet but he wasn't crying anymore. His chest had been ripped open. In one step Loki was free and in the other he had lost everything. 

Loki had never deserved love anyway. Svadilfari was supposed to have loved him. He said he had but the marks on his skin spoke another truth.

Loki was sick of hurting. It was just better he was alone. Like Stark had told him, Svadilfari was never going to stop. Deep down Loki had always known that.

Despite all this, there still stood a problem. Just because he had kicked Svadilfari into another realm, this didn’t mean Svadilfari wouldn’t come back. Loki was sure he would. When Svadilfari came back and he would be angry and Loki knew he couldn’t be here when he did.

Loki stood, rubbing away any tears. His stomach felt unbearably tight. He didn’t even know where he could go. He didn’t want to go. This was all Svadilfari’s fault.

Loki snarled and tore a cabinet straight off the wall. The wood cracked and shattered under his grip. He kicked the remains across the room, his breath ragged. He slammed the bathroom door, splintering it in the process.  

Svadilfari and Loki did not work. Loki needed to accept that. He couldn't keep clinging to it. He couldn't keep believing Svadilfari's lies. Svadilfari would be after him and if he hadn’t wanted to kill him before, he would now.

Loki grabbed a bag and empty his life into it. He shouldn’t have bothered. Within these four walls there was more Svadilfari than there had ever been Loki. Svadilfari’s touch had tainted everything in his wake. Everything screamed of Svadilfari. Even the few books Loki owned, didn’t seem worth taking.

With his bag in hand he glanced back one last time at their apartment. There was nothing left of him in these rooms, except the fear that swept the air and broken furniture from fights that Loki had never fought back in.

Loki looked away and magicked himself away. The next time he opened his eyes, he was on the rooftop of the building. If he was going to run, Loki wanted to see this view one last time. Loki stared out at the city. The skyscrapers spread around him, glinting in the morning light. 

Loki slowly sat, letting his feet hang over the edge of Stark Tower. Below he could see the streets and roads spread as far as he could see.  It felt so quiet up here, the wind rushing past him and he couldn’t hear the cars below. 

When he focused on the buildings around him he began to notice the damage. He could see the shattered windows, blackened metal. The cars might have been rushing past below but he could streets where there were no cars. Loki could see black vans surrounding those streets. He knew if he looked harder, if he used magic, he would see them removing the evidence of what had occurred and rebuilding the destroyed roads.

He imagined there would be parts of robots laying throughout the city. Somewhere on a rooftop would be the robotic remains of Victor Von Doom. Not the real one but there would still a corpse torn to pieces by his hand and for once Loki felt satisfaction.

Despite the attack, the city would bounce back. It would keep moving and fix itself. Within days or weeks the damage would be gone and it would be as if it had never happened. Loki found he liked it. Nothing that was thrown at New York halted her progress. Destroy her and she would rebuild herself better than before. 

"I'm not going to have to catch you again, am I?"

Loki shifted but didn't turn to look at the man behind him. With his magic, it was like having his sight back, even if it was hazy from the damage it was still recovering from. Even without its help, Loki recognised the voice.

"No, Stark." Loki murmured, "I'm not going to jump, if that's what you're worried about."

Loki stared down at the drop, it was certainly a long way down to the ground and even now it was as tempting as ever. 

"I'm not sure it would kill me now." Loki said, half to himself. 

Loki heard Stark let out a sigh and to his surprise Stark sat next to him with his legs hanging off the edge as a mirror image of himself.

"See, it's when you say things like that that make me wonder if my concern wasn't misplaced."

Loki quirked his lips but didn't reply, instead he stared out at the rising sun. It was quite a sight watching its light catch the glass windows one by one. The blue of the sky bleeding out of the red and pink. 

"Me and Jarvis are having a disagreement." Stark broke in. 

"Disagreements between you and your spirit are no concern of mine," Loki sighed, tapping his heel against the glass below, "though some might question your sanity."

Stark grumbled something under his breath and Loki simply lets out a hum. After a moment Loki noticed how much Stark had bristled up. There was a tension in his shoulders which vanished as he straightened up.

“Anyway,” Stark said, “before you so rudely interrupted, I was saying, me and Jarvis couldn't agree on something concerning our resident space alien.”

Loki raised a brow at him, trying to hide a wince at it pulled on skin that hadn’t healed yet.

“Jarvis seemed to think you were packing up all your things to leave,” Stark explained, “Whereas I think you were either trying to dismantle my house or Asgard has an interesting concept of how redecorating works.”

Loki mouth went dry and he could feel unease sinking through him. He made to stand but Stark grabbed his wrist pulling him down. 

"Hey wait," Stark said. 

Loki paused, Stark couldn't physically stop him from leaving but the tone of his voice made him hesitate. Loki turned to face him, now close enough to catch the smell of alcohol on his breath as he spoke. 

"You don't have to run." 

Loki gritted his teeth, "I am not running."

"I'm many things but an idiot has never been one of them." Stark said, his voice suddenly more serious than before, "You might not think you're running but I know you're not staying, are you?"

Loki looked at Stark taking in his steady gaze. He couldn't see judgment laying behind it and he realised he would miss that. There was something about Stark, perhaps in another life they could have been allies, friends even.  

After a moment Loki answered Stark’s question with a simple shake of his head.  

Stark let out a sigh, "Stay," He said, "At least until you're fully healed."

Loki pressed his lips together for a moment, "I can't."

"You can."

"No, I cannot!" Loki gripped the ground beneath him tightly, "You think Thor will let me roam free? I'm surprised Asgard's wrath has not fallen on me already. I don't know if it's escaped your attention but part of my punishment was having my magic bound and that broke."

"But surely you've served enough time.."

"Enough time?" Loki scoffed, "The All-Father will never be satisfied until my head is separated from my shoulders."

Stark frowned, "The attack on New York wasn't fully your fault."

"What about the attempted murder, Stark? The treason?" Loki’s knuckles had turned white as he struggled not to shout, "That isn't exactly easily forgiven, I should have been executed for it. Let's not forget, my genocide, my attempt at destroying a whole realm of giants. These crimes will not just be brushed aside."

Loki fought not to flinch when he saw the pained look on Stark’s face. He couldn’t ignore how Stark wouldn’t meet his eye. There were some things it would seem even Stark couldn’t morally agree with. Loki let out a sigh, loosening his grip on the edge.

"I will not let the All-Father take my magic again," he said firmly, "I will not let them bind me, suffocate and block a part of myself. I'd rather spend the rest of my life running."

"You know," Stark said, "I doubt Thor will let that happen."

"He let it happen the first time," Loki said bitterly, staring at ground below, "He stood and did nothing, the ever _faithful_ son. I'm not going to wait around for him to drag me back to Asgard."

Stark stared out at the city and a silence stretched between for a long moment before Stark turned to him again. 

"I think Thor might surprise you. You saved his life after all,"

"I didn't," Loki interrupted, "I was simply repaying-"

Stark let out a snort, "Alright Big Bad, whatever helps you sleep at night," The spark of humour died in his eyes, "You basically saved New York that has to count for something to the All-Dad."

Loki let out a sigh, "If you think something like that would sway the All-Father when it comes to me, you are sorely mistaken."

Nothing he did for Odin would ever please him. Anytime Loki had ever tried, he had ended up making things so much worse for himself.

"I'm not going to wait for the All-Father’s judgement." Loki pressed his lips together for a moment, "I have no interest in going back. I refuse to play _happy_ _families_ as Midgardians’ call it."

Stark gave him a long look, it was as if there was something on the edge of his tongue but he seemed to think better of speaking. Instead Stark peered down at the city.

“I don’t think that’s the real reason you're leaving though. I saw you back there with Thor as much as you two hate to admit it, you two have each other’s backs. I think you already know what Thor would do if daddy dearest came calling. No, there's another reason you’re deciding to run."

Loki pulled his feet off the edge but didn't stand, instead he drew them up to his chin. There was something comforting about the action.

“Or should I say someone else?”

“Don't.” Loki said softly. 

“You should have told me, I could have helped.”

“Helped?” Loki scoffed, “I don't need your help.”

“Right,” Stark said, “But I think you wanted it. There were moments when I thought you were going to tell me,” Stark swallowed, “I heard what Thor said-”

“Thor doesn't know what he's talking about.” Loki ground out, a strong shiver running through his body as the words tasted bitter in his mouth. 

"So it was lie?" Stark asked, "Svadil-whatever he never..."

"Don't."

Stark tried a lighter, more fake smile, on his face but Loki found he preferred his more serious looks. 

"You could have warned me that your boytoy was superpowered." 

Loki dug his nails deep into his legs, not stopping until it hurt. 

"I didn't know." Loki said.

Stark gave him a confused look but Loki pressed on.

"When I met him he was Sean. I thought he was real." Loki said.

_I wanted him to be real._

"You didn't know who he was?" Stark asked, the smile slipping.

"Not until it was too late. If I had known, I would never have courted him. He was the man who.." Loki’s voice cracked and his head slummed against his knees, "Svadilfari was so… convincing. I suppose I should say.. manipulative. He was everything I wanted but I can’t do it anymore. When I jumped, you shouldn't have caught me, you should have just let me fall. He couldn't get me if… if I was dead."

"He can't get you now," Stark said softly, "You sent him far away, right?"

Loki shook his head, "Only to Muspelheim. It might have been a one-way door but he'll be back. He’s already proven that once. I can't be here when he finds a way back."

Loki took in a shuddering breath, murmuring to himself, "He's going to be so angry."

"Stay." Stark said, "We can protect you."

Loki pulled himself to his feet, staring hard down at him, “You can’t protect me. No one can. Even if I had told you earlier, there was nothing you could have done.” Loki choked on his words for a second, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.”

"It does. You do."

Starks jaw tightened, Loki could see a ripple of what looked like anger rush over him. Stark stood. Stark’s hands gripped onto his shoulders and his eyes became hard.

"I shouldn't have listened to you. I should have listened to my gut."

Loki pulled out of his grip, his eyes going wide, "What nonsense are you drooling?"

"When I confronted you about Svad," Stark said, "The night you tried to jump. I accused him of hurting you and you insisted he wasn't. Then there was that time you were about to admit it to me. You even repeated my words back to me. Yet I still did nothing."

Loki felt his mouth go dry, "I never said-"

"Stop it!" Stark shouted, "I can see it on your neck, I can see it on your face. Just as I’ve seen again and again and _again._ " Stark grabbed hold of him, "Look me in the eye and tell me this is the first time he's touched you. Tell me he’s never beat you. Tell me he’s never left a mark on you."

Loki stared back into Stark’s eyes and they were burning. He could feel the lies on the edge of his tongue and yet it was as if his silver tongue had turned to lead. He was tired. He didn’t want to lie anymore. This was what had got him into this trouble in the first place. Yet shame was seeping into him. He wanted to deny it all. He didn’t want to seem weak.

“Go on,” Stark gripped his shoulders, “Tell me he didn't cause those bruises I always see. Tell me he’s not the reason your running.”

"Stark." Loki managed but it came out as a plea. 

There was something wild in Stark’s eyes, “Tell he is not a fucking rapist. Tell me he is not a fucking pedophile.”

Loki flinched.

Stark stood there almost panting, as his voice dropped, “I'm such a fucking idiot." He swore to himself, “I should have done something. I should have stopped this.”  

"Why do you care?!" Loki cried out, "I'm a monster, a murderer, what does it matter if he hit me? I _deserved_ it. You're making it out like it's a big deal."

"It is a big deal, no one should hit you." Stark said.

"I'm just proving everyone right!" Loki snarled, "It's my own fault. I let him hit me, I didn't stop him."

"Loki that doesn't-"

"I've become exactly what they always said I was, an argr. No one would be surprised I let it happen."

"Stop it!" Stark broke in, "I don't know what the hell those weird arse words mean but if you're trying to say you're weak. You're wrong."

Loki went to rebut him but Stark didn't let him. 

“I saw what you did. You tore apart a whole army of Doom's bots as if they were nothing. You would have killed Doom too if he had been there. I don't know how you can call that weak.” Stark paused, “You stood up to Svadilfari, you alone stopped him hurting people and you alone sent him to Mulphe-land.”

Loki stared at him. His breath was coming in and out, stuttered. He could hear what Stark was saying but he couldn’t understand it.

"You did that." Stark said, "Not me, not Thor. What Svadilfari did to you is wrong. It doesn't make you weak. It is not _your_ fault."

Loki felt himself slump. His eyes no longer met Stark’s as a lump formed in his throat.

“But..”

“He was the one to hurt you, you’re not the one at fault here.”

Loki felt his face crumple. He twisted around and sank to the ground before he fell. There was no way he could have made it look natural.

"He hit me, he hurt me.." Loki confessed, feeling his throat tightening, "I didn’t know what to do. I had no one else. Svadilfari gets so angry and I was scared, even though its all my fault…"

Loki could feel himself crying and he let himself. It wasn’t like Stark could think any less of him than he already did. He felt an arm fall around his shoulder and he pressed himself into Stark's shoulder. He simply cried. There was something cathartic about it. To have one person in all the realms who knew and didn’t blame him. It was a surreal moment.

Stark’s arms held him tight and he could hear the murmurs of ‘I’m sorry’ from Stark between his sobs. It made him wish he had told him about Svadilfari earlier. It made him wonder if things could have been different but he would never know. He had lied to Stark over and over again and had denied any help given to him. He had been part of the problem.

As his tears dried up he heard, Stark murmured, "He can’t hurt you now."

"He will." Loki said quietly, pulling away to wipe at his eyes. 

"You've got your magic now," Stark said, "Also you're _you_."

Loki’s head looked at him, a question forming on his face. 

Stark snorted, "You're a fighter Loki. Give you a knife and you could easily stab the bastard."

"I don't want to." Loki admitted. 

Stark gave him a look and for a moment he thought Stark was going to shout at him. He thought he was going to judge him and yet Stark gave him a sad look with a flicker of understanding in there somewhere.

"That's the beauty of them." Stark said, a thick venom to his voice. 

"Them?" 

Stark shook his head, dismissing the question, "If you stay here, I'm sure me, Thor, hell, even Brucie will protect you. We’re not going to let that prick touch you."

Loki let out a huff and didn’t know if he was going to laugh or sob. After everything that had happened, Stark was offering him protection, like it was something he deserved. No, he couldn’t accept it because despite what Stark thought, he was no match for Svadilfari. He wasn’t going to let Stark get hurt for his mistakes. Loki stood up.

"I can't stay here." Loki said. 

Stark held a bitter smile across his face and Loki could see the defeat that lingered there and something else that might have been guilt but Loki didn’t know why.

"It was worth a try." Stark said, “You can come back to visit if you want, you’ll always be welcome."

Loki reached out for Yggdrasil’s branches. His hands glowed green with wisps of magic as he wrapped his hand around the branch. 

"I would pay to see your mojo under some equipment," Stark nodded to the magic glowing at his fingertips, "It would keep Thor happy too, he eats me and out of house and home when he's miserable."

"I think you'll manage." Loki said dryly. 

"We could use someone with your skills." Stark said.

Loki laughed as Stark grasped at straws, "Ah, you wish me to stay because you have use of me."

Stark gave him a long look before sighing, "Sure, you're useful but that's not it. If you go off now on your own after everything.. it's not healthy."

"Your concern is misplaced."

Loki reached out further, his hand disappearing as he prepared to skywalk. Just as he was about to vanish, he turned to Stark one last time. 

"What were you talking about," Loki asked, "when you were talking about the beauty of them?"

Stark didn't answer for a moment, his hands sliding into his pockets. 

“Were you talking about Svadilfari?” Loki said.

"In a way, yes."

For a moment Stark looked at him, considering. Then Stark looked away at the bright sky but he wasn't looking at it, he was looking through it. 

"The beauty of them is no matter how much they hurt you," Stark said, "some part of you can't help but still love them, despite everything they've done."

Loki stared at Stark as a sad smile fell on his lips. Loki felt his chest tighten. Loki didn’t know how to respond and in some ways he knew Stark didn’t expect a response, he didn’t need one.

Loki grabbed Yggdrasil with both hands and walked across her branches. He knew next time Stark looked at him he would see nothing but an empty rooftop as if he had never been there at all. Loki wished that was true.

Stark’s words echoed in his head as he ran along Yggdrasil's branches. There was a bitter taste to them. Loki wanted to deny their truth but his life was full of too many lies. He needed to stop lying, at least to himself.

Loki twisted off the usual path, leaping across the gap until he reached a new destination. As he took in the new sight, far from where he would have considered home. He didn't know how long he was going to stay here but it was new, it was different. Maybe things could be better now. 

Loki stared up at the sun. He hadn't said goodbye but there was still something final in his parting with Svadilfari. He was going to try and make a life for himself and his child that was separate from what Svadilfari wanted.

With his magic Loki could skywalk once more so maybe he would return to Stark and become something more or maybe he would travel somewhere where no one would ever find him and slowly be forgotten. Yet there was a part of him that wanted to be found. Despite everything there was a part of Loki that wanted Svadilfari to find him. Loki wasn't sure what was beautiful about that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience when it comes to updates and thank you for all your lovely comments. Please let me know what you think!


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